mayb i'm juz not ready afterall

mayb i'm juz not ready afterall

2007's coming to end. everyone knows that. and 2008 is arriving. the whole of 2007 has been a new experience for me in many aspects, and a big resting period for something else. it's abt time i end the chapter 2007 in my life, and write a whole new story for 2008. a story with much much more new challenges.

let me return back to xmas and b4.

went to macau and HK for the past 5 days before xmas eve. was pretty much a shopping trip as well as a photography trip. (imagine taking 500+ photos with a 2MP camera that is 4 years back in technology. man. TOTALLY TIRING!) anyway. wun talk abt the trip, neither would i b uploading the photos. 500+ is too many, unless there's some quick uploading and sharing site for me to do it.

bac in sg. xmas was 2 days away. got presents ready by xmas eve. celebrated xmas on the day itself as usual every year at my uncle's place. but oh well, nth much interesting abt it. juz ate, enjoy photos, receive & open presents, and adios.

wad was interesting was smthing that happen on thurs night, very late night that is. initiated a chat with her. thinking in mind she had already seen my greeting card. i was kinda lost for words on wad to say. but the thing was, she hadnt exactly receive it. it's still in her mailbox which has yet to be opened. so...phew? well, the chat went fine. but i dn even wna think abt waz gna happen after she has read the contents in my card. i sure hope she'll reply after she reads it, but i'm guessing she's gna say something that i already know.

so taz kinda it for this part of the entry, which isnt really related to the title.

now. theses tots have been going thru my mind ever since i made that final decision i wan to tell her, which was like abt a mth ago? i've been thinking, for 2008 and for the future of my future, i dno if i really wna choose to fall in love, marry, or wadsoever. of cos the sight of couples, do at times makes me jealous, makes me long for her to be by my side. but thn i think again, maybe tis aint the future i would eventually yearn for. or is tis juz a impulsive thought?

looking at myself in the future, it seems i hav a lot in mind to pursue. shooting is definitely one of them. astronomy itself, is becoming much of a hobby for me. and thn the hit drama, HEROES, is starting to fascinate me so much, that i think evolution is something truely interesting. and of cos i'm referrring to the evolution of humans. there's also quantum physics that i might take a look into, and of cos one more, that biggest, most difficult dream i wan for my life. all these things, it'll prolly take the rest of my life to do, to research, to learn, etc.

thn i ask myself. to put wad i wan in life over love. or to put love over wad i wan in life. i asked myself if i was actually ready for waz called love. to do so many things as an individual, not being tied down by many things, such as love, family, etc. is this good? or having to share all this interests, having to do all this together with someone, isnt it better? but thn again, how many out there are really that specifically crazy over tis things, and waz the chances of finding the special one within those crazy ones? i'm sure she isnt one of them, or rather most likely not one of them. and whn the world turns crazy one day, and whn doing wad i wna do has become more dangerous than it seems, waz gna happen to all those i ever loved. mayb being a lonewolf isnt that bad afterall.

but who knows, mayb that one person do really exist.
but as it is now, i cant see the difference between ready and not being ready.

tell me waz right and wrong

tell me waz right & wrong

i'm losing motivation to do many things. studies is one of them. i wasted the whole weekend doing nothing at all. just lazing around for two whole days. sleeping away. something is just not right here. i seem to hav said this sentence over and over again. and i dno why i do that.

it's just that one feeling to get me away from doing my studies. and it's so strong, i dn feel like getting any work done. i hav one assignment that's worth 40% of the whole module that needs to be submitted this coming wednesday. but it's as good as undone. i hav an assignment last fri, which was supposed to be done last fri, but to date, it has not been done. the list goes on...

attending microecons tutorial tis morning made me realise how much i hav prepared for the common test, and more so, how much i hav really understand and learn of miec. the answer: it's hardly anything. i feel really guilty at this point in time, yet i hate waz going on.

let's get to the point. i'm feeling something i hav hardly felt. and taz hate. not only that. but it gets worse. this hate, it gets stronger and stronger. i can feel it consuming me. and frankly speaking, i fear it'll change me. change into someone i dn wna ever see.

but wad hate is tis? tis hate towards the system. the education system. why? the assignment this wed to be handed in. it belongs to a module called CATS(creativity & applied thinking skills). in my opinion, it's bullshit. this whole damn module sucks downright to the bottom. it's useless.

i dn like it. i hav no motivation to do it. the tutor gives me such a aimless impression of CATS. it's like every god damn CATS class is freaking purposeless. i go to class, with a feeling holding me back. wad does that feel like? do you even feel like attending class?

and it doesnt stops there. i'm not saying all the classes, but the majority of the NP classes i go to, it's tis way. at the least, i feel so for this sem. so tell me how fucked up is that? lecturers or tutors with attitudes that dn encourage learning, dn encourage wad education really is, and their mouths say they do. WHAT IS THIS? some freaking hypocritical statements? or some stupid statements that you bloody adults just shoot out w/o thinking?

with this kind of pple that exist in the education system, is that the so-called moulding the future of our nation? that feels like total bullshit to me. i've seen good teachers, great ones in fact, in NP and esp. my sec sch. but the teachers of this sem, such disappointment is undescribable.

that's not the end. those are just the teachers. i haven even touch on the system. IS(interdisciplinary studies). CATS included. with almost half the sem gone, i find year 1 IS modules are pretty much useless. or rather, to put it more direct and ugly, it's shit. other than IAC(individual and the community) and sport&wellness. tis year's modules are screwed. having compulsory IS modules for year 1 students? no choice for selection? so it's force completion of a module isnt it? whether you like it or not, you don't hav a choice.

NP thinks it's useful for students. NP thinks it's good. NP tis and that. wadever it is. how much do they find out from students about it? prolly rarely i would say. how much do they know of waz happening in the classroom? adults always think they're damn freaking right. or rather, let's put it this way: the superiors or the higher ups think they're always right. who is to question what they do? i dno how many think they should question wad those pple do. but i know I DO! i question every single freaking thing they do. from scholarships interviews to TDP(talent development programme), from how they work to the kind of lecturers they hav, etc.

bring it up a notch, the country. how much of feedback is really taken into consideration? feedback that favour wad the superiors think, prolly they are considered. but what about those feedback that goes against their way of thinking? i bet half the time those feedbacks are just marked down and thrown away.

and i hate those pple always trying to vye for good results, vye for cca points, tis and that. all this stupid materialistic shit. waz the damn point? so wad if u get god damn great results and high cca points, when behind those figures are juz mere meaningless actions or something you got for doing nothing out of.

waz really right and wrong in the real world? is there even one? results results results. does your whole fucking life revolve around that damn word? thn i think u r so freaking screwed. there's no right or wrong answer in the things you do in business, in research, in wadever it is(except criminal activities. that's obviously wrong. dun rebutt me with the obvious thing and tell me it's right.)

in school. in exams. in theory. wad we study. wad we "learn". everything there, it has an answer, correct and incorrect. but some things such as projects, they are judged by the lecturers/tutors. right or wrong? who's to say? and i would say, i even question if they are qualified to even judge. not basing on their experience, but their attitude they hav as teachers.

in the world, beyond this galaxy, the vast space out there. the rights and wrongs. who is to define which is which.

the whole post is pretty messy. my thoughts are all jumbled up. just bcos i hav too much to vent. and all tis hate rounds up to me as well. i hate myself for being like tis, i hate myself for putting myself through all these. why shld i even bother? it's not as if i'm right or wrong. i dno wad it shld be.

but at the end of the day, waz most pitiful is, i'd still hav to complete my CATS assignment, unless i choose to fail and repeat the module. and i do not even wan to think of it. failure. module repetition. yet another judgement. *sighs* pathetic.

to hav the education system fall into such a bad state, i cant express wad disappointment i hav of it as to date. but waz more impt is, how many of those up there see waz really wrong and recognise that fact.

the revival of the fortress of solitude.
let me be sunk in my thoughts, once again.
i'll return soon, once i straighten out my thoughts
to fulfil wad i feel will be my destiny.

what shld i do?

what shld i do?

not sure if she still drops by and take a look at my blog. but wadever it is, if you do, you know i'm talking abt u.

well, a major challenge is over for you. everything seems pretty good now, and u seem pretty happy. reading ur blog, i feel kinda neglected. i feel as if my existence does not matter to you anymore, yet whn u approached me online, i feel the otherwise. i dno why, and i feel i'm being thrown frm side to side, from darkness into light yet back again.

after this long while, i know there's a lot on my mind to tell you. i dno if it's the right time, i dno wad i shld do, but it wun b those 3 words again. all this while, my tots of u, i keep thinking and trying hard to find wad might be the best way for me & u, or rather at least the way i feel best.

i hav so many things to do lately, one major deadline to meet. and i've got hardly any time. moreover, i'm lacking slp now with the nites i stay up juz to watch meteor showers. i feel tired. yet i know i still hav to fight on. i wan to see u but smthing is holding me back. i wan to chat w u but i dno how to start talking. i dno wad i shld do.

looking at ur acc there on msn, online & green, yet i'm lost for words on wad i shld say. i just hope december arrives faster...

想她

想她。。。

最近不知怎么搞的，我又会再夜晚里一直想着，挂念着，思念她。读过了她的博克好几次，我越想越深，不知该如何好呢。哎，12月的流星就快要到了，我只盼望可以陪她看这一次的流星，虽说我已不干把希望放得太高了。

其实，我最想知道的是，你还记得我爱你吗？

除了这问题，我已失去了方向，已不知做什么才好了。。。

TOP ceremony + misc.

TOP ceremony + misc.

oh man. i got so many things in mind to dump on my blog. hav been living life tis past few days with many things in mind, yet i couldnt find time to blog all those out as i was too busy with sch work (which of cos, i hav yet to finish...)

so basically, i think tis entry is gna b quite a long one. but it'll only include today's events and quite a lot of photos, so there wun be much of an update on the past few days' happenings.
a brief phrase-by-day summary would be: pissed by email; matters of the heart; and today. (so going by day, the 1st one happened on sunday.)

alright. as for today. nth much in the morning but rather evening. mornings were tired as usual. no matter how much i slp in the bus, i still end up tired in class. haha. one thing was unusual abt the bus trip tis morning though. it was UNUSUALLY SMOOTH TRAFFIC. the bus was like going pretty fast and hardly even continuously stopping. it's like "WOW, wad happened to the traffic today? where did all the cars go?" thn upon reaching sch, it was another unusual scene. the usual crowd and bustle that shld be seen or heard in the morning were not there. it was considerably silent i could say. i wasnt really used to it either. feels kinda eerie all of a sudden.

anyway. jumping to the evening. came bac home in the afternoon and had a change of attire. thn went back to sch for BSTATS tutorial. and thn laze ard till it was time for registration. for wad? Towards Outstanding Performance(TOP) Prize Presentation Ceremony. dn bother telling me so smart or wadever bullshit related to doing well in acads. those who know me pretty well shld know how much i hate it. high performance in acads? do i even look like i give a blardie god damn shit abt it? (ok. frm that last sentence, u shld know how much i hate it.)

ceremony was pretty plain. nth much. performance; announcing names; giving certs; singing; refreshments. oh wadever, why do i even bother to narrate the event. it's boring in any case. photos are a much better reflection of the event. haha. photo appreciation PART 1.

black and white. hahaha.

raven's confident smile.

are u tired?

coincidentally, it's in ascending height.

wow. is the food that nice??

my photography for enkai. (still lacks smthing though)

TOP Ceremony. THIS WAY!

Exit? That way!

or is it UP that way?

Venue of ceremony. NO! It was the basement of tis venue.
LOL. it's the same lar. why do i even bother to crap.

The lift interior was so well maintained that i could see myself!

waz with boon's exclamation & raven's horny expression?
i wonder wad i was looking at...hmm.

now i'm looking below the camera.
is it the lens or my eyes problem? they are avoiding each other.

glass panels

tis is the most interesting pic. it was taken with a self-timer.
somehow. raven and me were standing so close. i didn even realise.
boon was giving that spastic look.
and enkai looked cool in that pose. haha.

well taz for the ceremony. moving on to photography. i find the current camera i'm using is really limiting my ability to shoot better shots. and i really feel i shld get a better camera asap, say mayb a semi-pro one since i cant afford a DSLR juz as yet. but even a semi-pro is a problem now. with limited financial resources, i really need to allocate my spending well. moreover i'm wan to get a new phone more than i wan to get a cam. prolly a PDA phone. so how? anyone wans to sponsor me at least a semi-pro cam? hahahahaha...

on the way back home. took some nice sunset shots too. although the car was moving on the expressway, the backgrd was still clearly reflected and i must say: it was pretty. Photo appreciation Part 2.

b4 entering the flyover.

on the expressway.

smwhere on the expressway.

i love tis shot most.
nice foregrd silhouette w light radiation in the middle.

not a full recovery

not a full recovery.

it's interesting how i actually do managed to recover from a setback in such a short time, for most occasions. although i wouldnt say i hav recovered totally frm ytd's happening, i know i feel better. i know i'm better today bcos i wna get things done. but, that motivation to fight is still feeble, it can break almost so easily if smthing goes wrong again. and yes, i'm still not all that happy, i can say.

i feel fortunate to hav friends i can pour my emotions and stress out to, cos at least it's better than talking to a wall esp. whn i know i'll end up banging on it...

right now. mulling over that event, i find myself kinda speechless and blank on wad i shld type. and somehow i find that i cant continue typing anymore....

yet another disappointment

yet another disappointment.

tis post is response to my prev post.

today was a big disappointment for me. a harsh disappointment that reminded me of a similar past event which made me feel disappointed in myself. tis means, it's the second time tis has happened. *sighs*

i wasnt prepared to face tis disappointment yet again. i nvr thought i'll screw up so badly after putting in so much effort to prepare for tis BCOMM presentation. all over that one word: nervous. it's such a great pity.

abt the past event. it was also a presentation. a group one. that was on an environmental competition. it wasnt nervousness that killed me here. but rather it was having to burn the wrong files into the disc. the files werent the finalised ones. by the time we realised that, it was too late cos it happened during the presentation itself. tis sucks big time esp whn we spent 3-4 mths putting that much effort, having late or even sleepless nites, into such a great thing that came down to a waste in the end. and i was the one who screwed it...

till now, i still feel very bad wad happened tis morning. i'm still dwelling on it. and tis sucks too, esp it's the second time alrdy.

the moment i return to my seat. i was filled with anguish and i was like: man. i'm so totally screwed tis time. i cant help it but all other moods or enthusiasm to do any other things juz disappeared. i was like emo-ing the whole day after my turn ended.

it's not abt not doing well to score that 5% assessment. but rather it's bcos i did not put in the best or the better i could've done. smthing that i truely stick to: put ur best into anything u do, and enjoy the process of doing it. and it was smthing i could not achieve today all over that one word.

it's disappointing. and i really cant think of any other words to replace it bcos i cant think properly even till now.

prolly some pple would hav thought that i was fine seeing me playing games not long after. but that was more like a mask i'm wearing. not wanting to worry my frens ard me, even though deep dwn i felt really sad. behind that mask, it's still me, dwelling on smthing i shldnt be dwelling on.

i hate tis. and i feel like crying again all of a sudden.
guess it juz goes to show how impt i look at tasks assigned for me to be done. esp whn i'm performing so off-form & my best is not there....

tis disappointment. why doesnt it seem to end?

SHIT!

SHIT!

DAMN IT. I SCREWED MY PRESENTATION. WAS TOO NERVOUS THAT I FORGOT MY LINES OF INTRODUCTION FOR MY METEOR SHOWER TOPIC. ARGH!!!

GOD. CAN I PRESENT AGAIN!

DAMN IT! DAMN IT! DAMN IT! DAMN IT! DAMN IT! DAMN IT! DAMN IT! DAMN IT! DAMN IT! DAMN IT! DAMN IT! DAMN IT! DAMN IT! DAMN IT! DAMN IT! DAMN IT!

exhaustion

exhaustion.

oh god. man, am i tired!

whoa. hav been slping past 4am the last 2 days, and seriously whn i wake up, i could juz fall easily back on the bed again. and i seriously doubt slping at tis kind of time will in any way aid in my recovery, instead it might get worse. so...GOTTA SLP EARLY!!!

but it seems difficult to do so though. with the amount of content i hav to read up for both Computer Info Processing (CIP) & Network Server Systems (NSS), it's pretty tough to slp early. in fact for the past 2 days, i haven done any reading up on the text. i'm seriously lagging behind. damn. not to mention, i still hav a biz communication presentation to prepare for tis fri. slide content is easy to do, and i hav done it alrdy. in fact i done 2 of it. one on shooting in powerpoint. and the other one on meteor showers in a flash player. having a hard time deciding which to present though.

taz for the content part. but wad abt the talking part?! my slides having aint no text. they're all pictures or super short clips. taz wad i've gotta prep. gotta crack my brains and think how to talk in a super great amazing way! WAHAHAHA! but seriously, my brain is lacking ideas tis few days, somehow, that is. or rather i'm more worried i cant get things across in an interesting manner.

alrite. taz hmewk.
as for training, it was tiring today. for 1 obvious reason:
I'M ALREADY THAT TIRED!
but still, i went down to HTNS to train.

hav been training prone a few wks now, and i find that there was some improvement today. for example, my endurance went up to 30mins long for my 1st round proning. but i couldnt bare the numbness in my hand for the 2nd time. only stayed in prone position for 20 mins for the 2nd round. even so, i felt good about today's training. maybe the break i had helped much. hmmm...

well. taz a wrap i guess.
today's a long day. i need some nice rest...phew...

the worst start

the worst start.

alright. 1st wk of sch for sem 2 started. but it aint any nice for me to begin with. it's prolly one of the worst starts i hav for sch. woke up that monday, with a throat feeling so like shit, and i knew smthing bad was coming. in fact, i could feel the heat brewing in me b4 monday. juz that i didn expect it fall SO NICELY on the 1st day of sch.

the next few days, or rather the whole blardie wk spent was like so dead for me. i can hardly get any feeling to really focus in my studies. darn it. tis sucks big time. even till today.

at least now i'm starting to feel better, almost on the brink of full recovery. abt 70%-80% maybe?(i decide to strike that out. cos everytime i say that kind of thing, i hav a very high chance of having a FULL relapse!) otherwise, i dn think i'll be here blogging. i'll still be walking ard like some living corpse.

man. i really wonder smtimes how the hell i actually was so determined to fight thru so many flu viruses for the past few yrs, always refusing to seek any treatment or take medicine. come to think of it, i feel really tired, somehow, after tis many battles. oh & btw, tis time round, i doubt it's a viral flu, rather it's a pretty bad sore throat, REALLY PRETTY BAD!

for the whole of tis wk, i've been trying pretty hard to recover, and i think there's really one person i muz thk. haha. esp. for the Hacks sweet. oh, i think it's obvious enuf with that "sweet part". hahaha. thks a lot.

1st wk took off with such a bad start. wad'll 2nd wk b for me? moreover, i haven done any tutorials thru out tis wk. omg. *head banging on the wall!!!*

*half-opened eyes* i feel very slpy. too much energy used in the effort to recover i guess.

incomparable passions

incomparable passions

passion for shooting is one thing on its own. passion for love is too.

noticed she went offline a while ago. yet i was surprised i did not notice her coming online. it's been so difficult to see her online tis days with smthing big coming her way.

took a look at some new photos she posted. and i was reminded again. reminded of her images that was always in my mind. with such a long period of zero contact face to face, i really do miss seeing her in person. the only other way seems to be only looking at her photos, but it's different. the feeling. the passion. those words that i nvr dared to tell her in person. there's too much to it...

looking at her smiles, facial expressions in the photos, she prolly seems happy enuf. hopefully that is so, so at least i can put my heart at ease.

so many questions, so many wonders. i really wonder how she'll perform, wad she's gna do after that...etc.

haven been doing much for her the whole year. or rather, didn had much of a chance to do so. i guess, at tis point of time, the only thing i could wish for her, is luck and believing. May all the luck in the world help her to perform, as well as, the believe that i hold for her. i've been believing in her, and hopefully she believes in herself too. the rest, is up to her now.

biathlon shoot. 7 Oct 2007.

biathlon shoot. 7 Oct 2007.

alrighty! told ya i'll b back in 2 days time to blog again. heh.

ok. so the biathlon shoot was today. and it ended quite disappointing for me in terms of the scores. but oh well, as much as i feel disappointed, i'm still feel quite glad.

woke up to a bad start tis morning. was freaking tired and i was really reluctant to get out of bed. *sleeping & lazing away* hahahaha. by the time i left my house it was already around 8.05am? (prolly ard that time.)

had to get some food b4 i went dwn to htns. unfortunately, Four Leaves at Northpoint wasnt open that early, and neither did Delifrance had much of a selection of bread. so, headed to woodlands via bus. (obviously lar, got bus concession. dn take bus thn take mrt meh?) luckily, BreadTalk had some sausage rolls. HEHEHE...

waz more interesting was...there was someone who stole a muffin from BreadTalk and NO STAFF NOTICED IT! but prolly the cctv shld hav caught it. the sad thing is, it's an old lady. she seems kinda poor and hav been hungry for days. cant blame her lor. but it's quite surprising lar.

ok. so 2nd bus journey towards HTNS. and after that it's a long story of the preparation, thn start of competition....the dreadful 5 hrs.

so the story is. blah blah blah blah blah blah....hahahaha (told u it's long alrdy. wan the story? get from me in person. dn ask me to type it out. i'm too lazy.)

no story. but there are some interesting happenings, prolly related to me only. couldnt really b bothered abt the other shooters. didn had much time to look ard and c waz happening. but even whn i did, i dn c any interesting things abt the others.

basically one of the fastest number of shots i've ever done. it was ard 17-18 mins left to end time. and i was like 50 more shots away. (for air pistol btw. not air rifle. i would've been dead if it was for rifle. ha.)

but of cos, 20 shots was done quite fast. & with 10 mins left for my 30 shots!!! AH!!! but still i finished shooting. WAHAHAHA. quite a crazy thing, i must say. haha. even during trainings. the fastest i did for 100 shots was 40 mins. PHEW!

well. in the end. no prizes for me. position unclear(didn bother to count also). but got COP.

reflecting back, i was actually more disappointed with my timing for rifle. it seems a little too slow. and there was a total misfire, giving me a zero. but i think that series avg around 80+. lowest series for rifle was 85(two series were 85). so the whole rifle score was 1822/2000. but pistol was way bad. 1200+++/2000. *sighs* my starting was quite bad. it seemed my right hand like kinda shrink, for some weird reason lar. and i had to find means to enlarge it. LOL!

but nvm. it's over now. come nxt yr. i'll start 2 mths earlier for pistol. MUAHAHAHA. seriously speaking, my pistol really needs a whole lot of improvement...

wad will it be...

wad will it be...

finally after almost a dreadful month of training for the biathlon shoot. it has ended today. phew. it sure wasnt easy training for tis shoot. i think i've gotten quite shagged from all tis trainings. taz ONE. the other thing is bcos the holidays has been so darn boring! (AGAIN. if u've been reading, my posts hav been emphasising tis point yet again and again. haha).

now u know why tis is a dreadful month for me. zzzzZZZZ...

ok. so biathlon shoot is in 2 days time. tis sunday. 200 shots of rifle and 200 shots of pistol in 5 hrs. how well am i gna do? i've got totally no idea. (well taz obvious right, since it's my 1st time shooting it)

but on the all, i can say, my pistol shooting has definitely improved. hahahaha.
and yes! sch's starting in another wk. and starting from next wk, i'll start training up my prone position. ha.

dn ask me why i feel so excited abt sch starting. cos i myself dno why. it's the total opposite of how i feel whn i was in secondary sch. the only other reason i can find is, tis holidays cant get any better than whn i'm in school.

well. will b back in 2 days time. let's c how's my performance.
'til thn...ciao!

Fire true to your passion

Fire true to your passion.

i've probably lost the feeling of how i felt hours ago, feeling very challenged & motivated to shoot. but oh well. at least i can remb the experience still. i shld b able to get the feeling back as i typed on. so read on as well.

so...wahaha. went down to cck and shot smallbore today. basically i was thinking of taking up 3P. and in fact i've been thinking of taking up 3P for quite a while alrdy. but i prolly only did 2P today. which is the prone and the standing position. didn get a chance to do kneeling today.

standing position. no elaboration on that. cos basically it's the same as normal air rifle standing position, just with the addition of a recoil whn u shoot. hmm. gotta work on that though, if i'm shooting 3P. cos basically, i find the buttplate too short for me so it aint fixed and i feel it's affecting my shooting for standing position.

prone position. tis is the challenge. but it's where the fun is for today. hahaha. coach asked me to take up the prone position in my innerwear at first. thn the jacket came on. and the perspiration starts to come in like a normal water tap that is turned on. it sure took quite a while for me to adapt to the position. the left arm going over the sling. the tightness. the pushing. the position. woah, it gets kinda tough on first try. thn my body starts to adapt. and tis process was filled with the most perspiration. hahaha. after a while, whn i finally end my prone training with 15 shots. i can say i was not perspring as much as b4.

50m rifle proning for the first time = perspiration till my whole long sleeve T was wet inside [taz basically for me. ha.]

haha. enuf talk abt the happenings. now as always. feelings are better to express in blogs. it makes blogs hav emotions (i guess so? or does it not?)

i think i'm falling in love all over again for my passion. shooting air rifle all tis years. i do actually feel kinda numb smtimes. so numbed i've find it no challenge to shoot good scores anymore, instead i switched to the challenge to perfect my processes. but that aint easy. now that i picked up shooting 3P, by basically starting out with proning. it's a challenge. a very much fun challenge. prolly taz waz been motivating me to shoot, all tis while. the challenges that every different discipline of sport shooting possesses that makes me wna further my shooting knowledge & technical skills.

i could feel the drive to really start shooting all over again. it's like bac to the basics. back right where i was really hyped up, passionate, motivated, fired up, enthusiastic to shoot air rifle. back right where i first started shooting, where i first touched the air rifle, picked it up, started to shoot on the target.

but only tis time it's a smallbore rifle. i feel i've got much to learn again. and in fact it is. it's like entering a totally new country, juz like how the different countries are on tis planet earth. Earth is shooting. And the countries are the different disciplines.

i can really feel how I first fell in love with shooting. and tis time it's all over again. and the love is even deep now. i'm not sure if i can commit to tis. but the only sport that i'll nvr quit in tis lifetime of mine, it's shooting. i know it cos i can feel it. i think i'll be really sad if i were not be able to shoot one day, even to the extent of breaking down. good or bad scores. singapore team or not. i'll still shoot. all my life. as long as i live.

so. to all out there who reads this. no matter wad. if it's such a sport u love so much. dn give it up within a few years of doing it. go on doing it if u love it so much. if it's such a passion of your life. do it with wadever u've got. for the sake of your passion. nvr give it up in your lifetime. esp, whn u've fallen very deeply in love with it. bcos if u give it up or no longer be able to do it, it's as good as losing someone u love...

问世间情为何物

问世间情为何物;
Ask the world what is love.

life's been boring. again. it always has been since the start of this holidays. well at least it's gna end QUITE soon.

hmm. ve'been training for biathlon shoot which is nxt sun. 200 shots of rifle & 200 shots of pistol. it's gna b super speed shooting for me. n esp. there's been some problems for my rifle ever since i started using my shooting specs since last fri. i can hardly c e target!

ok nvm 'bout that. now. abt the title.

i was sitting in the bus tis afternoon, going towards htns for my training, basically. as usual, listening to my ipod's music. but tis tot kinda struck me n got me thinking real hard.

wad really is love? literally, in the most direct sense that is. not all other kinds of love.

all of a sudden, i found myself thinking that i dn really seem to know wad love meant anymore.

so wad is it? i always hear & see tis everywhere. be it the media, tv programmes, internet, public.

being concerned, caring, helpful, self-sacrificing. feeling attracted. having constant thoughts of the other person. understanding the other half, trusting him/her, protecting, cheering up, feel unpleasant when something may not be right abt him/her. making each other happy, going all out to do smthing the other wants...etc.

is it all that? more than that? & also that special feeling?

i tot to myself. all tis time, that i loved her. was it really love? or was it just a persistent effort that wasnt in anyway related to love? if it was the latter, why do i even persist?

why do we humans, come into tis world to search for a person we love? why?

why do some pple fall in love so easily, yet fall out of it in a such short period time such as a few wks? why is it to some, it's so difficult to fall in love, yet whn they do, they fall out juz as fast as those who fall in one easily.

wad are we really searching for? is it bcos it's related to how we grew up? the environment that we grew up, the way we think, the way we act as we grow?

somehow, i think i've lost the understanding wad love is all abt again. i believe i still love her. & i do.

but havin' thought back to how i hav lived my life, i cant help but think do i really know waz love? details to my younger past can be imagined from wad tis blog states - the life of a lonewolf. put pretty simply, i haven really been living my life communicating much abt myself w the outside world. until the recent years that is. communicating with frens or pple of the same gender was generally a much easier task thn whn i did to the opposite, in the past. but of cos, it's only pple that more or less i know, not those who are total strangers to me.

i kinda realise that in the recent years when i started opening myself up. i do actually communicate more, rgdless of gender. but the thing here is, there's this feeling i get when i communicate with the opposite gender. it gives me a feeling of being close, of being able to share, a lot in fact. you can put it in the way of a confidante. well. somehow. taz e feeling i get. n that was probably how it all started out the way i felt for her. but the feelings somehow went beyond.

as a matter of fact, it seems to me now, that when it comes to sharing the more personal side of me, it's becoming easier but so do i get the same feeling as i did when it started (as stated above). although tis feeling feels very much similar. it doesnt seem to find its way in developing further.

but in the end, here, i've still gotta ask: so wad does the word "love" mean at the end of the day?
and whether i still love her, i cant really say anymore. i know there's still a feeling there. a feeling that i feel, i want to do anything i can for her. until i know wad love is again, probably only thn i'll return...

问世间情为何物。。。

what am i livin' for?

what am i livin' for?

well. results were out ytd. yea. and in fact i felt it was a little unexpected, considering the number of mistakes i made in the exam. and moreover, distinction rate was capped at 5%, so i tot it was kinda difficult. but oh well, the result had a strange turnout.

but couldnt really be bothered with e results anyway. god. n there's still a self-select timetabling to do tis coming tuesday. sighs.

hmm. life hasnt been very interesting at all. ups & dwns are at zero level. tis is pathetic. i really cant stand it any longer. playin' GE everyday. i cant quite stand it. somehow i'm getting tired of playing computer games.

what am i living for everyday? even i wan to know wad i've really been doing. oh god. ARH!!!

coming to shooting. i hav started to train for the biathlon shoot next mth. my standard for pistol shooting really dropped a whole lot since i last shot...like 2 yrs ago, and which lasted like only a few wks? hahahaha. guess it's more training.

alrite. coming bac to the topic. i'm seriously looking for an answer to tis.
it seems there's like a long list of things to do, but i juz dn feel like doing it.
1) mounting my tv onto e wall
2) reading up on ASP.NET & SQL Server
3) reformatting my comp
4) tidying up my room

or maybe it aint that long a list. but it does take quite a while to get those things done.

but. it seems to me that the purpose of living my life has become rather unclear. the short term purpose that is. not the long term one, that is in the future. as a matter of fact, the future one seems kinda vague too. oh...wadever.

my mind is rotting so much, even i'm starting to lose direction of where i'm movin' towards. sighs.

i hav a few big things in mind i wna achieve. but i feel i'm losing grip from wad i'm trying reach out for.
1) bringing NPSC to a whole new level, where wad shooters shld be, and of cos wad a shooting club shld really be.
2) change the world is another big thing. and a humongous thing, in fact. (but dn think on the lines of Evan Almighty. there's no way i'm doing that.)
3) learn new things. try out new things. things with high risk, high experience of adventure.

but there are things lacking to accomplish them. i dno wad exactly it is. is it courage? or is it comradeship?

i feel it's comradeship. but am i lacking courage? i dno.
am i really to seek out a destiny that lonely? to accomplish things on my own, is that wad i'm living for? or am i alrdy losing myself, my mind, and my sanity?

........

mulling thoughts

mulling thoughts

my previous entry had some content to this. so read up if u dn understand.

somethings are not right around here. i dno waz happening. my mind juz probably stuck on to smthing day n nite. n this doesnt happens to be GE.

is it really bcos there's too much time for my mind to wander and think of it again?

i dno if i want to know y. yet, ironically, i've been really bothered by it again & again day by day.

wadever it is...

there's more than just this thought.

since life is pretty much lifeless. since i'm jobless at current state, i've gotta find smthing to do. some new things to do. as much as i wan, asking frens to go out to try new things, practically wad i get is just rejection. just wad the hell is with the world. saying bored urself yet not wanting to try new things. saying not liking the activity when u nvr try it b4. saying tis n that. practically seems to be excuses to me. u saying u'r bored yet not wanting to try out more new things to enrich ur own life. it's not as if it's blardie bz like fucking jcs these days.

jcs. a messed up shit. i dn wna talk abt tis. it'll juz waste my effort typing.

smtimes i really wonder. is it bcos i've been a lonewolf for way too long that i dno how to ask pple to try new things w me. or is it loneliness that lies in my destiny, if so, why do i even try so hard to get her heart...

do i really have to go bac to doing things all by myself?

i hate tis world. smtimes. i hate tis country. smtimes. i hate how it works. i hate smokers. i condemned them. i hate bastards who think they so blardie righteous.

n smtimes, i hate myself...

and there r times when i really fall again, and i dno wad is going on around me yet again.

n one of those times, is now...

near lifeless

near lifeless

well well. hel-loo again. it's been quite a while i must say and it's been pretty long while since i blog. lol.

so where shall i start. hmm. POLY. 1st sem ended. exams were over since 2 wks ago. or was it a wk? ..........

ok nvm. it's over anyway.

so it's e holidays. n it sure is long. a 7 wks break. wooh gna b a refreshing nxt sem.

well not exactly i would say. life became pretty lifeless since e exams ended. god. life's a bore when you have nothing to do. basically i've been rotting at home. playing Granado Espada (GE) day & nite since it's ard e last 90 days b4 it's P2P. well. not exactly "day" either. since it seems that most of the time i spent chionging hovers around 10pm - 4am.

that's waz done at home, in front of the monitor every single day. i'm going GE crazy. it's madness leveling up. hopefully i dn faint at e end of the 90 days.

(ok. i'm starting find that this entry feels pretty lifeless too. probably the person typing this now is feeling way too dead to feel alive. oh god. argh...)

if not for the frequent trainings at htns, i think i'll really have nth to do. it's damn sian lar. wait. not so frequent actually. twice only. maybe i shld increase it. hmmm...

it's really bad if i hav nothing to do. cos i'll start finding crazy things to do. hahaha. LOL. spending money like nobdy's biz is one. which is very bad since my account figs r dropping. need to push up e figs or else i'll b a goner.

n taz where it leads to my next "story". job search. lol.

hopefully this coming monday i'll hav a job to work for 2 wks for adminstrative work. i gotta admit, admin work may kinda suck, but i really cant b bothered tis time since i need to make those figures go up. the other thing is, in fact, i haven really done any serious admin work, or rather the real admin work lar. in a bigger company that is. the prev one that i did, i dn think i would really take that as admin. oh wadever it is. i juz need money n to pass time. i cant b bothered with the rest in tis holidays abt what work is, with the exception of the working hours that is (since i still need to go for training...)

bored. boring. bore out. boredom. lifelessness-craziness.

smthings seem to get worse too. i dno y. but maybe there's too much time for my mind to wander around n keep thinking about smthings. the feeling has been coming back with much intensity. but no matter at this point of time, again i dn wna do anything. i seriously dno wad i can do, n definitely not at tis moment. it's difficult but i sure hope smthing comes out of my effort.

while that is in progress, it's juz bac to near-lifeless life tis holidays. sighs...

recuperation

recuperation

well. as u can read from my prev. entry, i'm kinda injured here n there. and now, basically i seriously need my wounds to heal quickly. i mean it. otherwise how the hell am i gna train for this sunday's competition. arh!!! i need superman's invulnerability. grr...

the condition has, well, kinda worsen today somehow. i got up to a morning which i had diarrhoea. it's like wad the hell was wrong. i just get diarrhoea all of a sudden?! i tot it was gna be fine after that. but i think underestimated it. it continues in the afternoon. when macroecons tutorial was going on, my stomach was like some machine sucking out something....eh. dn understand hor? i also dno how to explain lar. it's juz like an overflow of hydrochloric acid in your stomach and it just like corroding inside. get it? if u dn get it, thn 4get it. u'll get it when u have that feeling.

anyway. where was i? errr. alright. i went to the washroom twice. oh god damn it man. n it was like freaking torturing. i dno y the heck it took such a long interval from the morning till the afternoon to happen again. thn in the afternoon it keeps happening. any explanations?

dno wad caused it. but my guesses are 10% - wrong food; 40% - too much toxins from my wounds (cos i didn wash my wounds); 50% - overdosage of NERDS (u know the Willy Wonka NERDS!!!). wanted to do PBA proj, but wasnt able to suppress my condition. hardly even started and we were on our way home alrdy. waz good is BMGT proj is over. well at least taz one thing of my mind. but god knows how it will turn out. MORE BUTS. i have a lot of catching up to do. i hardly even understand the whole of money-related topics, i.e. money, money creation, monetary policy, in macroecons. there's also a lecture on motivation for BMGT that i hav yet to go n listen n understand. (hopefully the link is still there...)

well. for all i know. there's a lot of unsettled work. including e-learning for POA. oh god. with my current state, of cos i wished it would end. just wait till i get bac into my top form. argh....

recuperation is wad i really need. but with all the deadlines to meet, lectures n tutorials to do. man it's gna b a tough one.

somehow, i am still thinking of you. i wonder how u r doin' now...

scratched & screwed

scratch & screwed.

Great. My week ended with me getting hurt. scratches & abrasions. here & there. damn. tis sucks.

Just when I was thinkin' I could end my week peacefully & nicely by settling my 15 page report, god it turns out the otherwise from my thinking.

Went to ECP tis morning, (i mean e PARK itself, not e PARKWAY). Well it was damn early. Getting out of bed at abt 5.30am whn I only got to bed at abt 2+ am. & of cos, I was damn tired. It sure felt cold in the morning, esp. with the bus' air conditioning.

ok. let me get straight to story. went to cycle there. 1st hour was so fine. going at high speeds; thighs get tired if i went too fast. & it seemed nth could happen. yeah. it SEEMED! nxt thing I knew, we were gna take a rest at one of the pavillion near the end of the park. so I rode my bike towards the pavillion....& POOM! GRRRR!

there goes my limbs. left elbow & two knee caps. scratched quite badly I must say. especially the left elbow. even till now the elbow & my right kneecap is still bleeding though it's kinda minimal.

lucky, my frens and public were helpful. first it was a caucasian woman asking if I was ok. next, one china woman kinda passed by from somewhere & took out tis unknown cream & applied it to my wounds. woah. it really hurt at first. but the cooling effect came in after a while, though the pain was still there. thn, two girls didnt had plasters with them, but the concern to ask if i was fine was there. well at least taz nice. waz more was my frens were there to help me. otherwise, I think I would have lost consciousness right there after the sight of so much blood. In any case, I still have to thank both of them for helping me out, plus someone's half pass six first aid skills. hahaha...

God it hurts man...
Even walking has become a problem for me, needless to say running. I dno how the hell I'm gna train in the coming wk for next sunday's competition. arhh...

1st Injuries. 2nd Unfinished report. biz management 15 pg report is still undone. & I cannot get myself to do it cos my injuries are affecting my mind. & THUS, I cant think properly...ARGH!!!

tis is so screwed. Monday's the deadline. Tmrw's a major touching-up session with the group for the report and seriously I need to get the work done.

damn. I need help. I just hope tis wounds will at least clot fully or probably 75%?!....so that at least I can still walk properly tmrw...

bad bad bad...

whn life screws up

whn life gets screwed at almost every corner

i dno waz gotten into me lately. i'm getting really emotional lately. irritated. frustrated. stressed. pissed off. lovesick.

basically my life is getting pretty screwed up recently. dno wad the fuck is happening. (damn. i'll try not to keep spouting F words here n there. grrr...)

tis blardie laptop's processor is getting real slow at times. bought GTR game ytd. playing was fine ytd. dno wad the fuck happened today. keep screwin' up, meaning the game hang for no blardie reason. i mean wad the damn hell is wrong lar. blardie fucking game. god damn it. ARGH!!! there's only 2 reasons lar. it's either the fucked up incompatibility w e blardie vista, otherwise it's e game. wadever. either reason, it's blardie freaking shit.

today. morning was suppose to b for exercise. in which it turn out totally e otherwise. first, i was told e gym at e blardie stadium opens at 9am. goddammit. thn nvm. i was still damn tired cos i slept at 3am plus ytd nite. so i juz slp on lor. thn overslept till 10am plus also. late for management project meeting by nearly 2 hrs. fuck it. afterwhich it ended. i remb it was youth day for JCs tmrw. so i called n ask whether they all wanted to go gym tmrw since it was opening at 7am. n there it goes. thinking that every damn fucking thing is so gna b damn fine. n wad e damn hell happened? it's cancelled bcos there's only 2 pple goin. total fucked up bullshit. exercise bcos of e no. of pple going rather than the purpose of exercising itself.

nxt,
sch kicked off w a blardie bad start. damn bz. kept slping late tis wk. hell lot of projects to settle, in which in tis case, it's still not settle. tutorials undone bcos i'm so tired n packed. thn had to go bac to ytss for e fiesta, which was literally packed with people, but not the worst i have seen. best attraction: meteorite. but i shall not talk abt e fiesta. tis entry aint for it. the fiesta wasnt all fun either. had to go around finding teachers to do my IAC survey. damn. pathetic aint it?

this is really fucked up. life sucked so much at tis point of time. i've been having tis short fuse lately. argh. i'm supposing that lack of slp is causing it. but there's gotta b other factors, like hmewk. stupid.

worse still, my mind is full of her again. argh. although i still hold true my love for her, somehow n i dno y, whn i'm in tis kind of situations, i start to miss her a lot a lot. i dn get it. is it companionship i wan? or is it a confidant i want? grr...i dno. but well isn't it funny, trying to seek a lonely destiny on one hand. & on the other hand, i'm thinking of love, of her. hahahahahahahahahaha *crazy laughters*

there's definitely a choice i gotta to make but wad will it b, i hav no idea.

whn e environment gets so stressed. whn i need someone(her). & whn i know that wun happen. i'm standing btwn strength & vulnerability.

an update in ages

an update in ages.

alrite alrite. i better give an update to my blog. otherwise it would b really dead. other than juz changing blogskins, it has literally become not a blog anymore if it's owner doesnt inject some life into it.

hmm. talking abt blogskins, i didnt really like the user interface for e previous skin, e Naruto one. e box was kinda too small. if not for e backgrd pic, i dn think i would've used it. but anyway that skin was in fact juz a temporary skin. nth much. well. so now u c right front of u, a much better skin & a much better user interface. [well, as much as it is, taz wad i think...]

so. how long has it been since i last blogged? hmm. it was in some part of march when i last typed my previous entry on getting back into shooting. well, it has been 3 mths plus. woah. i guess i need to clear some cobwebs here.[in other words, if u dn understand, i gotta blog more often or else....alrite there's no or else. ok wadever it is. nvm if u dn understand. my mind's kinda messed up lately so pardon me, if my sentences sound strange. i dno wad exactly i'm talking. haha.]

now. bac to e topic. update. an update. hmm. in simple n short explanations. it's:
enrolled into Ngee Ann Poly Biz-IT (BIT);
life's kinda slack, sometimes even to e pt that it's lifeless [cos there's nth to do, or rather i dn wn to do. haha];
a lot of projects [okay lar. not all that a lot either];

having a pretty fucked up 2 wk holiday[1st it was Return of the Flu Virus, thn it's e stupid TDP];
my shooting is getting wobbly again, as in e shots or wadever lar. [ok wadever, i cant think of e words to typed].

well that sums it up.

thn again. it returns to e fact that i'm lifeless now cos i hav nth to do, taz y i'm blogging. ok, e prev sentence doesnt include doing hmewk (of which e most dreaded is e Excel work). so dn count hmewk as part of being having a life. doing hmewk, in fact, isnt much a life anyway. AGREE? u gotta b kidding if u telling me doing hmewk is having such a great life. hahaha.

ok wadever it is. tis mind of mine [repeat, minD of minE] is getting kinda crazy. arhhh. cant help it. mind's kinda dead today.

aiya. heck lar. end liao lar. dno wad the hell i'm talking alrdy.
okok. 'til nxt time. [hope that it's soon.]

Reinitialisation

.Reinitialisation.

it's been more than a mth since i last updated tis blog. well, i guess i need to inject some life back into it.

so. training has been reinitiated. i've started training today. n man, does it feel great to b back. (zong2 yu1 chong2 chu1 jiang1 hu2 le4...)

it's been abt 8 mths since i "terminated" my training. n w today's reinitialisation, it sure is a surprising one. considering e fact that i havent train for 8 mths, my stability was quite well maintained, w some dry shots shaking a little here n there. well, i would consider today's training pretty fine. (though i wouldnt consider that to b true abt e training time, cos it's 2 bucks/hr. man, tis is e "real life" version of LAN gaming...haha)

ok. so now i'm stuck in e state of not having a jacket, bcos of that stupid "D" mistake. (to those who dn understand. it's abt my shooting jacket with my initials spelled in quite a "exquisite" way. so to change it from e actual "exquisite" form back to e normal form, it had to b sent back to korea. so in other words, it's gna take a while to come back. but as it is at tis time, it shld return by 2wks later, or even sooner - e nxt wk.) so in order words, i'm only training w my shooting pants ,shooting inner, n shooting boots. haiz. my reinitialisation got off to such a pathetic start.

but anyway, i dn think it really matters a lot. considering that i can probably only do dry-firing for tis wk juz to get accustomed back to my position, it's fine i supposed. (i muz say it is kinda boring to dry fire every session, but juz tis session today, i could c how much i've lost touch w my shooting. my processes were all screwed up. man, i couldnt remb much of my visualisation process.)

n w a 601 rifle, in which its cheek block cannot b decanted at an angle PLUS its buttplate cannot b adjusted as well, it's gna b a bit of a challenge to overcome tis. (e buttplate can only b extended by adding pieces of 'smthing' to extend e length. i dno wad they call that smthing, so dn ask me.)

another surprising fact was, when i wore e marksmen hse pants, i could still feel it's kinda stiff but not as stiff as b4.(considering that marksmen hse gears hav alrdy loosen up a lot in terms of e stiffness, including e addition of a lot of holes, to loosen up e material.) if i compared it to deling's stiffness, marksmen hse gears r still much stiffer.
hmmm...interesting. hahahaha.

well i shall end here. training will b slightly more intensive tmrw. 2hrs! hahaha!

valentines

happy valentines day

well well, 1st thing off is e O lvl results. as i've said (in my previous entry) i'm practically numb or cant b bothered w my results alrdy. though it came out w a L1R5: 10, i wasnt really feeling happy or great. yes it's a gd score, but do i even care? nah... i wouldnt deny i tear that day too but those tears, not one was tears of happiness, but instead of gratitude. gratitude towards all e teachers, towards all my close frens supporting me all e way, n towards my hardwork.(although i wun really call it hard, cos i did slack a lot...hahaha...)

that ends e O result thingy...

nxt. e updated version of new yr resolutions. or might as well make it, CNY resolutions, since cny is ard e corner.

1) Get into NP BIT
2) Break personal best of 572
3) Work my way towards NTT in tis yr
4) Finish learning C++ b4 April..haha
5) n of cos, help her if she needs me. wadever; whenever; wherever...

last, of cos, tis is e only part taz related to e title...HAHAHA...lol
valentines today rite? but wad is there for me to do. nth. haiz. besides wishing her happy valentines, i've got nth to give her. n worse still, sore throat's back to haunt me after many many mths...let's say....6 mths? n worse of e worst, it happens juz b4 CNY...damn it. e hell am i gna eat all those goodies. darn...gotta cure tis within 2 days time. ARGH!!!!

hmmm...it seems tis is e 1st valentine that i actually get sore throat..haha....LOLS...
[muz b those 9 packets of curry twisties + big pack jack n jill potato chips that i've been gobbling up for e past 9 days. damn it, i guess i overshot my limit.]

well anyway, to her again n to all, a Happy Valentines Day!!!

prelude to O results

"prelude" to release of 'O' results

well. results r gonna b out nxt wk. that is wad seems to b true. whether it really is? i dno. exact date? dn even ask. n i'm not bothered by these results a bit. not a bit at all. to wadever results that is gonna b on my cert. i seriously cant give a damn. good. bad. avg. wadever can b printed. i cant b bothered.

although i cant b bothered by that piece of paper w numbers printed on it, my mind is yet bothered by one other thing. closely linked to e word: RESULT. it has been quite a few mths ever since i stop takin' on e pace of life in e kind of education here. n instead of wasting time at home in these few mths, i took up education in my own perspective. educating my ownself solely w a library bk. it was a big difference. e two kinds of education, one really learns, n e one juz kills ur chance to learn.

how pathetic is it to c such a failing education here. esp asia. or shld i say everywhere? e whole of tis world. such competitive comparing of results, such intensive drilling to get "perfect" grades. is that wad u call learning? is that wad u call education? NO. NOT AT ALL. & NVR. doin all tis juz to lose ur ownselves in process of such pathetic competition juz to get that stupid WORTHLESS PIECE of BLARDIE USELESS paper w some DUMB ALPHABETS N NUMBERS. hahaha. humans. arent u becoming such a slave to tis kind of system? arent u becoming more of an idiot than someone who has a brain to live for themselves?

for all i know, i could as well spend some cash on tech n paper to print one useless paper myself. who needs those pathetic papers from e ministry. so wad if e ministry is doin all those bullshit to change from being result-oriented? goddammit, is it even taking a blardie effect? no.

for all those idiots out there, question urself man. u think u r really learning? or r u juz there sitting in sch, mugging real hard every single day, juz for better grades? wad do u really wan in e end? do u even think tis kind of education here is even learning? well. to a very small extent, probably some content u studied in e txtbk gets retained in ur brain.

"it" talks abt focussing on thinking, prob-solving, wadever u name it that uses ur brain. wad does it end up in e end? mugging! mug b4 u even do that.

waz so god damn impt abt that stupid so-called results? wad does it prove? that u r e best? that u r brainiest? that u can think god damn well? that u can hav e best job? that u r VERY academically-inclined?

so wad? even if u r? how much do u learn at end? how much do u gain out of learning? for all that stupid worthless certs? is it even worth to sacrifice ur own learning to get gd results? n for ur info, gd results doesnt necessary equals to learning e most, esp in tis case, in tis country where e system is so unfit of e word: education.

n for all u know, parents play a blardie big part in "brainwashing" their children's mindset. if e parents keep on havin that preconception these days that results r everything, prepare to regret it. results r worthless. it proves nth. e process is wad counts.

as a sportsman myself, e outcome was smething not to b considered at all. n as a sportsman, i'm sure that competition is a key thing. but i can say. competition in sports n in education(or workforce) are two very different things. e competition in sports is something enjoyed, something healthy, something beneficial. but of cos, unless some freaks take it to e extreme, then it'll b bad. as for education, y shld one even bother to even compete? waz e pt? education n learning. it's for one's own improvement. y shld there b any competition? resulting to only segregation between e upper class n e lower class, which in tis case e upper class r e academically inclined ones n e lower class e not so good ones. n tis again, forms e preconception that e academically inclined r those that will succeed in their life, those that arent they'r goners. that is so NOT TRUE.

so. humans out there. go out n find urself. live for urself. not for grades. n change e world, redefine wad learning really is n take that action. learning isnt grades, n it shall nvr b. it shld b enjoyed rather than b a torture.[my assumption: it is true for most(say abt 95%) students that it's a torture, probably only those minority r really those who r really born w those study brains.]

an unrequited love?

an unrequited love?

will i tear again tis time? *bitter laughters* i dno man. one after another blow. it seems i'll nvr get that chance to b w her at all. everythin' i c, hear, or wadever verbs u can name, that is abt her. hmph...it's all practically against me. nth abt it seems to heighten my hopes. i really wonder is she juz tryin to run away from me, from my love, or was it an unrequited love all along...? *bitter laughs*...does it matter to her?...hahahahaha. i guess not...i guess not now anymore.

now that she's probably enjoying herself. enjoying herself w someone else. someone whom i dno. someone whom i'm not sure if she'll b happy w. if so, then i guess it's gd. n i shudder think e otherwise. n since both of them now r in e picture, a picture w all e lights on them, i guess i can only run bac to e shadows in e picture, hiding there, feeling practically numb while she enjoys herself.

i dno y. but it feels as if...as if i'm so numb alrdy. as if my heart has gone w her yet it cant feel her presence near. or as if my heart has stopped, my emotions r too hurt. i dno. i dno. i dno. i cant feel anything. yet i feel pain. n yet again. i wish i could cry. it's such a mess...

i'm lost in e middle of nowhere. i'm like stuck in sahara now, desperately trying to find a way out, yet sandstorms keep brewing, constantly disrupting my sense of direction n lvl of visibility.

i dn wanna lose her now. seriously. juz when i tot i was at least gettin' out of that waiting list, it falls bac to e same pt. tis chance, it's as gd as something i can nvr achieve. as much as i would love to achieve the impossibilities, tis is smthing beyond my control. a decision that can only b decided by her.

wad is my decision then? i dno. i wanna cont to wait. wait n wait n wait. probably forever i guess. staying in e shadows doesnt mean i cant go into e light, no matter how it goes, i'll still b there for her for anything, for wadever she needs. i'll protect her. i'll help her. i'll save her. i'll do wadever to benefit her, even beyond e limits of human or more - superhuman, n as crazy as it can get. for that word called love. even if it's unrequited...

untitled

untitled.

as e title goes, it's untitled. i dno wad titles to give anymore. as much as i know, i know i aint in a very happy state lately. my guess is history repeating itself all over again.

(whether u still cont to read my blog, i still wna blog it out)

i've been feeling so terrible ever since something happened between me n her. although i'm still kinda unclear of e true reason behind it, i'm juz glad it's sort of solved now.

prob solved. but my heart aint. thru all her words i c, i know she's hurt, she's had enuf of all tis. e only way out now, is that i can only stop all of tis, since that is wad she really wans now. i know taz best now, but no matter wad my heart doesnt die. e love, it still stays.

i dn wan to disturb her anymore tis yr. i know it's impt for her to focus. i know it's one yr that she shldnt mess ard w. i understand tis yr is more than anything to her. but i wan her to know. i would still very much like to help her out tis year, help to do well.

i'll still always b there, when u need me. no matter wad e consequences, i'll always b there to help u.

over my dead body

over my dead body

i freakin' pissed now. my dad doesnt agrees w my decision to withdraw. stating that he'll sort of discuss it 1st. i dun give a damn. not even a god damn. i've made e dead choice. out means OUT.
i wun turn bac. it was a regretful decision made during that freakin' exercise. from e start, i shldnt hav gone to that blardie place. it's total bullshit.

i'm gonna get e god damn hell out of that freakin' place no matter wad. as long as i still breathe, i will get myself out. w or w/o my parents' consent. i dun give a damn anymore.

i study to learn n enjoy, not suffer tis kind of blardie bullshit. sadly, tis isnt e case here. in fact, practically all over e region n even e world. it's a great pity only such minority understand such an impt fact to enjoy e process of learning instead of being result-oriented every god damn other day. on e shallow surface, pple always talk abt one muz enjoy e process of learning to get e most out of it. but wad kind of typical contradicting scenes exists everywhere. tis is pathetic n totally idiotic. such saddening acts of contradiction.

my future is in my hands. e decision lies w me. no external party including my parents will interfere w wad i decide. wadever advices there may b, it can only b of advices. nth will change my mind once i'm set, DEAD SET, on my decision.

e only time when my fate is in others' hands. it's gonna b over dead body.