Wednesday, August 30, 2006

pain

pain

my heart is aching. a lot. i dunno y...but i know it's tearing me apart.

e pain i feel. e ache i get. it's so immense, i'm practically being spilt apart. e feeling my heart gets, it is juz too strong; it's too painful for me to bear...

dunno y...but probably wad i hear or see seems to affect me a lot. i seemed to b swayed by wad happens around me. bcos i can't accept it?...i dunno

is it really true? is wad i hear n see true? i so wanna know. but i am holding back, bcos i'm scared.

urgh...my heart juz hurts a lot...

my heartache juz breaks me apart...

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Actual EL Prelims

Actual EL Prelims



tot i post something tis wk b4 e actual O lvl prelims taz gonna take place nxt monday, juz to empowered myself into e state of mind to do well, n i mean real well, for my EL paper...

well, yups..EL prelim 2 is coming n i'm left w 6 days. it's gonna b tough to improve a lot in such a short time but i'm gonna try to achieve it. it's for real, tis time's EL is a one time thing n it's one darn impt paper b4 e actual O lvl paper...GOTTA GET IT RIGHT!!!

i dun care waz gonna come my way for tis wk. hmewk, tests, wadever u can name...i am not gonna bother...it's time to really pia for EL. wad bio TYS, geog analysis, a math papers, humanz related wk....a math test, development test, map reading test [except tmrw's chem practical tat is...haha]....all of tis, 2 words: 4GET IT! now aint e time to b trying to clear all tis freaking hmewk debt. it's e time to work hard n go all out for e EL paper nxt wk. i dun care waz e teacher is gonna say, i dun care how e teacher is gonna chase after me....i dun care. all i care now, is wad i can score for e paper nxt wk...

nth is gonna deter me from gettin' down to serious, real serious biz. i wan my A, i wan my target to b hit, all tis for Os...n i wan tat 3 months PAE. if i dun get my best shot at nxt wk's paper, there'll nvr b one more. i wan to score, i will score, I MUST SCORE...no matter wad, by hook or crook, dead or alive, i must DO IT...!!![mind u, by crook doesnt mean cheating...dun start to think wildly...haha...]

let's do it...tis is one n only prelim we're gonna hav. 4get every subject for now...e main priority for now is EL, i'm going full blast at it....i'll do wad is necessary, i'll do wadever it takes, no excuses, no other hmewk...only EL...

I MUST GET WHAT I WANT...!!!! THERE IS NO OTHER OPTIONS!!!

Sunday, August 20, 2006

Resurrection

Resurrection of e flamin' phoenix...

...Tears of gratitude

e flamin' phoenix has been resurrected. he is burning w an even stronger n hotter flame tis time...n he's back for GOOD. well at least until e Os end tat is. bcos rite now, e key of fire has reignited his flame once again, giving him a whole new evolved sense of strength n power...

yes...my key of fire has been found, n i'm back. it's me again...e FULL VER. OF E REAL ME...haha. i found my way - e way tat i'm goin to strive for my As in e Os including CL. though i know tat it may not necessarily b a foolproof one, but w my renewed strength n determination, i'm sure i'll do my best...i'm sure i can ACHIEVE...! w constant motivation tat i get from myself n things around me, i'll do it, do it beyond e limitations of anything...

now...how did i ever find tat key? simple. haha. well, then again, not all tat simple actually. for e past few days, i've been struggling to find it. but it juz kinda came to me last nite juz b4 i sank into my slumber. strange, i tot. of all times, it chose to reach me in e middle of e nite...haha. well, wad happened was tat i suddenly started to think n i found e only way tat was able to keep me empowered until i finished my Os. n bcos of tat, i achieved tat breakthru - to return for good n fight on as long as i live...

so in tis entry, besides juz plain elaboration of my "resurrection", tis entry is also dedicated to those who hav helped me along as i fought hard to get my real self back. so instead of "tears of gratitude", it'll actually sound more like "words of gratitude". i put "tears" cos it sounded better...haha

i wan to thank a lot of my frenz...w them, i know therez still care in e world. w/o them, i think my sorrows would hav suffocated me to death...

so to tis list of pple here, thks alot...
maung, kelvin, kai sheng aka KAKA, kian ming

n to tis pple...i really wan to give special thks to...tat had comforted me w their voices, heard me, n even to e extent of scolding sense into me...haha...i cant thk u enuf...
wenyi, ms yeo, n esp. sandy...

thks everyone...i know u'all there beside n behind me. thks for ur support n everything. i'll make it to my dreams...i muz n i wont wanna disappoint u all...(=

e flamin' phoenix rages on...

Friday, August 18, 2006

...for her

...for her

tis entry is for her, n only her. i'm sure u know who tat "her" is...

i hope u'll read it...cos deep in my heart, taz wad i feel bout u...

though recent events tat had happened to u, might hav affected u much, n i dunno wad exactly happened. i know wad it probably was about...well at least, i think i know...

no matter wad, whether if i had misintepreted e situation or hallucinated it....wadever it is, i still wanna get my feelings clear to u tis time...real clear. i juz hope tat u'll read it, taz all...

i know tat u know e fact tat i like u...or u can put it in e way tat i love u...'cos to me, love n like, they mean e same. my feelings r true...i can feel it. i dunno if u can. but i know, i know tat u r always on my mind n e 1st person in my mind when i'm alone, when i'm bored, when i'm sad...n no matter when or wad, u tat 1st person in my mind...

we became closer frenz ever since e incident...n my feelings i developed over e months, juz seem to get stronger. i wan u, but i respect ur decision to remain as wad we r, till after my Os. i trust tat wad u told me is true...tat i hav e chance. but i wont deny u of who u wanna look for within e nxt few months...but everytime i see something else, my heart pricks. i'm scared...i'm scared tat i might lose u...not as a fren but as someone whom i love....

it may sound possessive of me...but i do respect u hav e rights of choosing. u said tat u do had some liking towards me...i saw tat as a hope. but whether ur feelings will last till then, i dunno...

i dunno if we'll ever b together...chances, to me, look very slim now.

i juz wan u to know tat...though lately, i've been poking my nose into ur matters, as much as i dun wan to, i dun wan to intrude into ur privacy. but tat side of me, tat side tat is really longing for ur presence...he juz feels uncomfortable...haiz. i'm sorry, real sorry...i hope u wun blame me...k..?

also, i juz wan u to know tat...no matter wad, i'll always b there for u; i wont disappoint u; i'm concerned n i care for u; i'll hate losing u; i wan u more than juz a close fren; i wan to b e one for u to lean on when u tear; u r practically everything to me...at least, it'll b like tis for e nxt few yrs...

e whole entry might seem exaggerating but everything here i've stated is true towards u...i dun wan to hide my deepest feelings. i really luv u, i wan u...n i dunno waz gonna happen if i do really lose u.........

i hoped u did read to tis line...n to THE END of tis entry too...i hope u still r able to understand my english, hope it's not too complicated...heh...(=

if u wan to, u can post ur comments...juz dun state ur identity. otherwise, e msn will always b there...so u can juz tell me...k...?
...THE END...

n guys, if u do finish reading tis, comments - pls keep to urself or juz tell me on e msnd dun comment here...unless u dun understand my english tat tis entry is dedicated...solely for HER...

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

my key of fire

...my key of fire

e flamin' phoenix is nearly back...he's on it's way...

i'm recovering...finally. after some tots for quite a long while, n also constant support...n also some scolding...i decided i wan to end tis....for gd. but still therez one final thing tat is lacking b4 i'm able to recharge fully again...

i've accept e fact - i wasnt able to perform, i didn get e A1 i wanted. it cant b changed. but i'm juz not satisfied. havin put in so much effort, a mere b4 was pure disappointment. though now, therez nth i can do to change tis...there is e future...

i can constantly motivated myself now...i'm me again, almost tat is. but i'm still missing my key of fire. until i find it i wont b able to recover fully. i need to find a way to make sure i get wad i wan for CL tis time - a foolproof plan tat is. as long as i'm confident tat it's gonna work, i know i'm back. e flamin' phoenix is back...

i dun wan to disappoint all my frenz, including teacherz, around me...supporting me, behind me, bside me, cheering me...i dun wan them to keep on worryin' if i'm fine. i juz wan them to know, no matter wad, i've made my way back....e REAL me has nearly break free of e dead layer of personality tat i've been in for e past few days...

it mayb a lone journey in search of e key, but i know everyone is behind...
so i will definitely find my key of fire to re-ignite me soon enuf...
n may wad come, for everyone n esp. for her, i will...


a lone journey to e ends of e world to find e key of fire...

Sunday, August 13, 2006

Aries - e star of me.

Aries - e star of me. it's so true.
my fren fwded me tis email...n i found it kinda true. everythin' there seems to b me....so much like me....though of cos not all of it.
[P.S.: tis juz a part of e email under me.....therez other zodiac signs too...]

Aries Man
He always let other people walk in front of him, but he will get there first.

He is a very careful guy and small obstacles won't make him fall easily even if he thinks life is a very serious matter.

He is as romantic as any other Zodiac.

He could look gentle, but inside he is as strong as steel. Once he determine to do something, he is serious about doing it well.

He will keep any pressure or insult deep down inside without showing emotion. You will never see his emotion of burden or disappointment and always wonder what he thinks or feels.
He will keep his feelings well.

You will never see a guy in this Zodiac involving in other people business. He is always concern with his own business.

Sometimes he can be talkative, but he will never give anyone advice if he has not been asked. If you ask for advice, he will certainly give you one.

He respects elderly and senior, so you will see he is the type who visit his parents steadily or often.

He is a slightly shy but also a stubborn person.

He will find many ways to make you happy when you are with him, till you realize he is the important person for you.

Once he is in the "Power Position", he will use his power gently.
He is a good leader and "Gentleness" is one of his effective method for exploiting his power.
It is although he is borne to be a leader.

He never hide his ambition, and he is a workaholic.

He will not take any position that he has no control.

He will work very hard to reach his goal and satisfaction.

Compliment from his boss or superior are never enough for him, he want his deserved reward.

His deep insecurity make him reach and collecting valuable things, and this you may think he is stingy.

Actually he could easily spending money to buy things, traveling or pay for things that makes him happy and he think necessary for his need.

He care what other people think of him and want to get good comments or compliments.

Outside he looks like stone and steel, but inside he is a fragile person.

He will hide and cover up weak emotion and his sadness in order to maintain and keep up his "Image". One method of cover up you could easily notice is suddenly if he is quiet, cold, or act
very strong or very secure.

Often, he feels insecure, even he is serious about his life and his own surrounding.

This is the man who never hurry to get marry, so hardly sit back and regret about his marriage later. If he gets marry, he need to be very certain and very sure. It will take a long time for such decision, so if you tell him that you are "breaking up" , you better forget him for good because he will never coming back.

He always keep his promise. If he said he will meet you in your place in 2 hours then he will be there, unless there is a serious accident or unavoidable things happen.

He hate people who is late for date or any appointment.

He like to think woman should be a follower and take care of family and working is a man's duty.
He does not like to compete with his girlfriend or his wife at work because competition already exist with himself and other people.

He will be very proud if he can afford and care for his family. Do not try to over power him or insult him, he can not stand it.

He likes to be in control of everything, every situations.

He like a "Classy Woman" , if she also comes from a good family then it is a Plus. It will make him feel proud and very ego about her status. Flashy type of woman , forget it.

He like a perfect or a nearly perfect housewife.

He tend to be possessive.

He will not tell you if he is mad at you, but will act very moody to show you instead.

He like to hear sweet word and compliment so you can get his interest that way. If he approaches you to ask you out, do not act too stubborn or fooling around too much.
he will get tired and just disappear.

He has to feel confident when he is around you, so knowing this fact you should know what to do, right!

If you want him, you have to make him feel like he is the most important person for you.

He likes a kind hearted woman , polite and can get along with his family.

When he feels sad, do not leave him alone, but be very supportive. Kind words and your smile will win him over, so this strong man will be like a chicken in your palm.

Saturday, August 12, 2006

questions...many of them...

questions...many of them...
tis world is dead...let me end too...
it's past 1 day now. i've been thinking a lot within e past 24hrs. everything juz seems so tiring. i dunno how long can i hold out. haven been myself since e whole event happened. i'm so lost.

a lot of tots passed thru my mind...qns esp. each time i recollect wad happen tat moment. e emotions. e tots. e pain n anguish. tears juz cant hold but start collecting in eyes. tis pain n anguish, e exact same feeling i had felt last yr at e national shooting prelims, only tat it's stronger tis time...so strong. sadness overwhelmes me...

qns go on 4ever tis few days...
i'm thinking...shld i really continue?...cant i juz give up?...having come all tis way, it's sad n painful but w wad happen...how long can i really hold? I dun wan it to tis way. i wasnt expecting it to end tis way. WHY???..........*sobz*...can anyone hear my call...? i really cant take it anymore...i've cant recognise my ownself anymore...wad hav i become?...

it's gonna b hard to recover from tis. how long will i take...? e last phase of tis journey seems too steep too straight up...juz like a vertical wall. wad if i dun recover...? my heart is having a real hard time piecing itself back 2gether...so hard tat i dunno if it will ever b pieced back.

everything juz look dead now. every human tat passes me..they look like zombies, or if mayb if i am e zombie, not knowing if i'm dead or alive. nth seems alive in me anymore. living in a mist of confusion, i cant walk forward. i cant see waz in front...

i'm STILL lost...
i need someone...someone i can lean on so i can cry...

let's end tis...so silent n cold, let myself end...cant i...?

Friday, August 11, 2006

MT O results

MT O results

well...wad can i say...? all i know at tis moment is: it's gone. it's over. nth seem rite anymore. it's like everything juz blew e moment my teachz announced my result....B...4. putting on a brave front i was there when i was 'bout to get it....but nvr did i expect, things got out of hand. tears werent easy to hold back. for a moment there, i tot i could accept it. thinking if i couldnt get an A, then b it, i'll juz hav to face it n retake it. & if i got an A, then i shld thank my teachz, tis was where i think i would cry... but it was e other way round.

i didn even think tat i could not accept it. waz wrong w me? haiz. where am i? my surroundings went slient as i walked away from my teachz. tears were hestitating for a moment there. e only 1st tot tat came to my mind was her. my heart practically shattered. every fren tat saw me, consoled me by patting on my shoulder. but i couldnt resist...each pat was like hitting out e tears in my eyes... i felt great having them...but it was too much for my tears. it was hard to hold back...i wanted to cry....real hard. but to hug someone n cry?...i really wanted to... still tat strong front, i put on...pretending everything was fine.

it wasnt fine.

i hav plans about waz gonna b for e nxt 3 months....but tis event aint getting over me. it juz cant get out. saddening. tearful evening it is. still having chem prelim 1 tmrw...but wad am i do in tis state...cant think properly...cant even concentrate...i wonder....wonder waz gonna happen nxt..

e yr hasnt been a good one...for as much as i know till now.

tears juz keep goin' on n off....

...e phoenix's tears extinguishes its own flame...