what's in and what's out

what's in and what's out

haven't been really blogging in proper form. the last was...let's see. the farewell to the firebird. well, that's been about 2 months already. all the other posts are just not really normal english sentences. literature writings, chinese ramblings, and i even typed out lyrics for a song (my own lyrics). well, i definitely don't know if the song exists anywhere else. but at least i know it came out of my brain and i've never heard it before with a tune.

so what excuse can i cook up for not blogging?

busy? doubt so. i'm sure i can find time to blog.

lazy? probably contributes a certain amount.

lack of words? not really either. more like unwilling to speak.

i suddenly find myself stumbled with the disability to speak without thinking on my own blog. in fact, i find it hard to conceal my words. and probably that's why, that's the biggest reason i've barely been blogging.

oh well. back to the gist of this post.
so what have i been doing. like seriously.

august was busy with preparations.
september's been really empty. in fact, i don't even remember if i did anything fulfilling other than what they call, REST. which...had quite a consequent effect to my fitness.

so that's why there's a remedy action called Payback. and that comes in October, which i am in the midst of, now. i must say the payback i've given myself is seriously intense. Every alternate days, it's either gym or swim. and along the way, there'll be runs.

so far, if i were to look at it on the positive side, i kept up to the schedule, except one of the day. and i achieved most of the goals set for those days.

and if i were to look at it on the negative side, my runs are filled with much walking and the goals of my swims hasn't been really up to speed. in fact, of all the swimming sessions, none of it hit the target i set for that day, much less to say overshoot my target. and my right ankle is starting to feel the burning pain when i start running long distances, which definitely isn't good news either.

sad facts. poor discipline.

but at least i realised one thing. and that is how critical a role discipline plays to keep up to my training plan and achieve the goals i set for it. once the role of discipline is fulfilled, determination is all it takes to keep going. of course not forgetting, injuries are definitely not to be taken lightly.

we make choices everyday. but how well do we keep to the choices we make and the words we say? it lies in the discipline we have.

last but not least, if there's a will and you persist, there's undoubtedly a way.
it's been proven. and i'm the witness. the tiniest hope is the brightest star in the dark.

shades of the past

shades of the past

i board the bus

and i found a seat

i take my place
and close my eyes

i plugged into my music
and then i open my eyes,

turn to my right

we were sitting there
holding our hands together
as if our lives entwine like vines

we were in each others' embrace
warmth never felt so real
oh we are meant to be
meant to be together

i took a walk alone
on the path of our histories
and the memories dawn on me
like they were seconds away

but as the winds blew by

the image of you in my eyes
turns to dust
and you...

we were sitting there
holding our hands together
as if our lives entwine like vines

we were in each others' embrace
warmth never felt so real
oh we are meant to be
meant to be together

but you left me
to myself
on the bus
and alone
to walk ahead

all i can see
as i look to my left
you disappearing into the air

all i can see
as i look behind
the shadows of you and mine...

and you...
you're the shades of the past...

bad days ahead

bad days ahead

i'm not waking up to good mornings.
i'm dreading my start of the day.
and it sucks. a lot.

and i don't know when it's gonna be okay again.

失望

失望

失望终究会变成绝望吗？
我不知道。。。

早知如此，又何必当初？
怎么了？我是不是开始后悔了？
不。。

我只是。。对我周围的一切的事物感到好失望
连续一次又一次的失望。。
真的好痛苦哦

我在这岛上生存的余地，在此如今呢?
我真的好恨自己对自己造成无用的伤害。。
矛盾的思想，无法自拔。。

生命在此有必要一直受苦吗？
哎。。。

unspoken

unspoken

in this silence
i think of you
i imagine of what could have been
but thoughts were never loud in nature

in this silence
i dream of you
i live in the vivid life of my own 'reality'
but dreams. are they a reflection of reality?
or something else...

in this silence
i kept quiet
in this solitude
i felt the biting freeze

in these solitary moments
i'm confined to my thoughts
without a compass
the reflections i see
are but just blurs

principles betrayed
emotions suppressed
sensitivity in disarray
and i'm causing hurt without a conscious mind

i'm shouting loud in mind
but i guess, it's good to leave it that way
keeping much words unspoken...

a forgotten soul

a forgotten soul

so shall i be.
a forgotten soul.
abandoned once and again.
never truly important.
or am i?

the phoenix flames die out
the surrounding air turns cold
the only thorough way to be void of all happenings
is to turn my back against all mankind.

and so i shall.
with no reason
nor belongings
to hold me back.

the last of me
that you'll see
is no more than my shadow
in the dark.

the day will come
when you least expect it.

你不知道的事

蝴蝶眨几次眼睛，才学会飞行？
夜空洒满了星星，但几个会落地？
我飞行，但你坠落之际

多的是，你不知道的事。。。

不知是因为走出了火凤的阴影，或者是渐渐地失去了斗志力，我觉得我越挣扎我越累。
可惜的是，确实多的是，你不知道的事。

最终，我只期盼那一天。
以预备了不少与坚持的等待。。

就在那么一天。。。

我不能放弃
不到最后一分钟
每时每刻，都是充满着一线的希望

加油。。。

bring me to life

bring me to life

the phoenix spirit will continue to live within me...

but it's time. maybe almost time. to change. this identity.
i'm walking out of this fire. to re-inject the purpose that once made me, me. along with a new identity.

how can you see into my eyes like open doors
leading you down into my core
where I’ve become so numb
without a soul my spirit sleeping somewhere cold
until you find it there and lead it back home

maybe this is a trying time for me to grow. a time for me to learn...
my destiny doesn't lie here. i know it. i feel it. it's too strong, it's undeniable.
i don't know who i'll be. i don't know what's this new identity. but i shall stick rooted to my principles of life. do not be swayed. do not be tempted. because it's what makes you...YOU!

most imptly, delete the phrase "give up" from your dictionary, if it ever existed.

letting go is never easy. this mythical bird has stuck with me through the toughest times. renewed me, again and yet again. but choosing to move on, may bring about new strengths and undiscovered potential.

goodbye phoenix.

learning to love

learning to love

learning to love is indeed much tougher than it seems.
and it is nothing near easy at all.

Whatever you put your time, energy, and money into will become more important to you.

gathered this initial 5 points about love. there are more of course.
1) Love is patient
2) Love is kind
3) Love is not selfish
4) Love is thoughtful
5) Love is not rude

but these five are not just any simple statements. they require one to commit and act accordingly, to what is felt as genuine love. these sentences weigh heavier than they speak. and apparently, when i reflect, i realized i'm not even near. am i?

it's such an easy word many people fall into. yet when they're falling out, keeping the word is the hardest thing to do.

yet now, i can't seem to fall asleep...
with endless trains of thoughts flashing and rushing in every direction, on the multiple rail tracks in my mind. i reckon the red lights have broken and so have the train brakes.

perseverance is the only hope to making or breaking. in this learning journey.
so this bird really just have to hold on tight now...

it's not the end

"Even if the sky were to fall,
we shouldn't be so depressed.
What's more, it isn't falling yet.
Nothing is confirmed.

Nothing is confirmed.
All is not lost yet."

signs

signs

"Make your way home safely, for your loved ones"

Most drivers, if you were observant, would have probably notice this on the EMAS on the expressways.

I thought it's kinda heartwarming and felt it's a ringing reminder that out there you know there's someone caring for you. So no matter what, always drive safe.

And it does really dawn upon me about what I do when I drive and how I drive. And who I think about. So, yea...that's all. Short & sweet. haha.

directions

directions

tell me what i should do.
tell me where i should go.
tell me how...

am i really thinking too much?




can i just burst and blow up in all directions?

pouring

pouring

feel like pouring out little big words tonight.

the entries of late definitely have been getting shorter and shorter.

but i know i'm going to bed tonight with:
an unsettled mind
a not-too-happy heart
and just feeling bad...

fallen. once again.

fallen. once again.

from the plateaus i rise. and i thought it would continue that way for a while. but no it didn't. expectations always seem to fall short when you think you're getting better. or maybe expectations just place an extra layer of pressure that's invisible to the conscious mind.

in the recent months, i know i was improving and getting better. but everything right till the past few weeks, just seem to come alive and turn my world right back to how it was - upside down. it's hard not to sigh. seriously.

wondering what happened, yet one just have no clue. trying to pinpoint the reason or cause, yet there's no where to trace back from. i don't know exactly how i'm feeling already. tired? or maybe not... challenged? then again..maybe not too... it feels really weird inside out. i can't seem to stay put and stabilize what's within me.

and yet, it feels no where near a struggle.

but i've fallen, undoubtedly, once again, back on this barren plateau..

i think i'll just go to sleep....

chains

chains

somehow, some things never seem to change.
time and time again, when you thought it's finally not as bad or already gone, things happen and you realize you're back at square one all over again.

these chains never seem to break. it's like when you're not struggling to break free, you don't feel the pain and tension that it's holding you back. but when you do, it feels the same all over because it's cast iron. it's so strong, the thought of just ripping apart a row makes you all weary and weak.

but of course, not all influencing variables have been changed. though it seems time itself is just not powerful enough.

someday, there'll be a breakthrough. but for now, it remains as it is, in its feeble state. vulnerable as before. barely strengthened as it seems.

i need to change this.
i must break these chains.
but the question remains.
how?

immersion in emotions

immersion in emotions

as i lay this body
on the soft sinking bed
the nerves unwind and
tension loosens

calming thoughts flows in
like a silent stream
slow music in the background
sets the mood

as the body sinks deeper
the mind gets left behind

it wanders in the wild
like a child who lost his mum
hoping to see a familiar face
seeking for a ray of hope

thoughts of whom or who
surface up inside of it
anxious to seek
impatient to find
creates worry and unrest
right in his mind

but all his simple mind has
was to cling on to someone
he could not afford to lose..

If You're Not the One

If You're Not the One

If you're not the one then why does my soul feel glad today?
If you're not the one then why does my hand fit yours this way?
If you are not mine then why does your heart return my call?
If you are not mine would I have the strength to stand at all?

I never know what the future brings
But I know you're here with me now
We'll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with

I don't wanna run away but I can't take it, I don't understand
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am?
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

If I don't need you then why am I crying on my bed?
If I don't need you then why does your name resound in my head?
If you're not for me then why does this distance maim my life?
If you're not for me then why do I dream of you as my wife?

I don't know life so far away
But I know that its just a trip
We'll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with
And I wish that you could be the one I die with
And I'm praying you're the one I'Ve build my home with
I hope I love you all my life

I don't wanna run away but I can't take it, I don't understand
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

'Cause I miss you, body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away
And I breathe you into my heart and pray for the strength to stand today
'Cause I love you, whether it's wrong or right
And though I can't be with you tonight
You know my heart is by your side

I don’t wanna run away but I can’t take it, I don’t understand
If I’m not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

3 years of effort. a lifetime of memories.

3 years of effort. a lifetime of memories.

yesterday was no doubt one of the major milestones in my life. the graduation ceremony marked the ending point for my polytechnic life and drew a new starting line for me.

taking a trip back down memory lane, it's been 3 years. it did not feel long, neither did it feel short. As Joyce made her valedictory speech, she commenced it by saying as if everything felt like yesterday. At that point, I must say, it was like: YEA right, I'm not even feeling like it's 'yesterday'. But at this point in front of this monitor, I realized as I bring myself back to those moments and present my mind vividly into the past, I feel that surge of emotions and memories of what kick-started my diploma. From the freshman orientation camp (BAoc) to my first semester and to how I found my project team which we stuck on for the rest of the semesters, the bond we shared, etc. The memories seems to flow in endlessly. And so do the emotions that well up in my eyes.

The gush of nostalgia does not end there. There was also the most important reason why I joined NP - Ngee Ann Polytechnic Shooting Club. The club presented to me as one of the toughest challenge in NP. With so many constrains as a Special Interest Group, limitations as an infant club, and a small budget, it wasn't the 'priority' club I had back in secondary school. We were just like any other club amongst the 100 over clubs in NP.

But still, it made me learn new things, gain new perspectives and devise new strategies. I met great people too. These people are the ones that continues to push this very club forward in its growth, in their own unique ways. Not only the committee but also all the members who made the club possible. Without these group of you, the club wouldn't be here.

To the drivers of the club, I have been there and done that, and so have I been watching what happens. Though the strength and driving force within you may not always be strong-will and rooted, but remember: as long as the fire still burns in you, you're not done yet. Small it(the fire) may be, but an unextinguished flame speaks three words: Never give up. Stay as a team, be united, and fight as a team! You'll only see how truly strong you can be when that happens.

Throughout these 3 years, new friendships have been formed along the way. some lasted short term, some will last forever. But no matter the case, it wasn't the period, it was about the memories created and the tie that was forged. it's been a wonderful journey, a fruitful one. Happy, Fun, Challenging, Exciting, etc. as well as Sad, Hurt, Confused, Emotional. But it's life, and it's meant to be that way isn't it? More importantly, it was the lessons learnt and how you managed it through to get to this very point in time.

I want dedicate this post to quite a number of people who've made this memorable journey very possible:
My Project Team for 5 semesters:
Raven, Jackson, Zhiheng and also Yansoon

The longest person that have stuck around Shooting Club a lot with me:
Ying Jie

The people who made the club possible up till my committee:
Sebastian Sun, Jie Hui, Damala, Ying Jie, Haocai, Kokloon, Ken, Ashryll

The committee who made the club flourish onwards:
Shiwei, Sebastian Wong, Gregory, Daniel, Morgan, Jessica, Cheryl, Estella, Hong Jun, Luqman

To the people I have closed up the social circle from just being friends, and the good times we had and bad times we shared, what we talked and everything else (in no order of importance ah!):
Damala, Ying Jie, Shiwei, Gloria, Dorcas, Cheryl, Raven, Zhiheng, Jackson

I thank you all for being part of my 3 years life in polytechnic. You have made it the BEST!

To the already graduated (only one though): Enjoy your ORD soon (while I prepare for OED - official enlistment date)

To graduates who have just graduated: Continue in your endeavors and pursuit. All the best in them.

And to all those still working hard in NP, regardless of your year, I have this to say: One chance, One choice, do it your best or don't do it! Work hard and enjoy your fabulous time at NP.

..on an ending note, still, i'll probably be seeing the un-graduated around quite often.

two-zero

two-zero

two-zero. 20. twenty.

Choices & The Perfect Balance

Choices & The Perfect Balance

Today has got to be my worse day ever since 2010 started. Or at least one of them.

What a messed up monthly shoot I had today!
92+91+92+85+91+90 = 541

Can this day get any worse after this post? I sure hope not. Everything is daunting on my mind and resolute now. Just what is it that I want!? Too much expectations on myself and I get an avalanche crushing me to the bottom. I feel so sick and tired of everything right now. Totally.

I went to the range today with a ready mind to shoot it right. But apparently, it turned out to be a ready mind to shoot it all wrong. My glove was slipping throughout the whole thing. I couldn't change the supporting grip because I couldn't get use to it. My target was as usual blur/smudged to the point I could not differentiate target white and target black. And I cannot find where the root of the problem is. Tried adjusting my spectacles. Did this did that. And....my emotions got the better of me. Yet again.

I think I won't mind it at all if someone just treats me as a physical punching bag and slap/punch me. I just feel so tired to retaliate.

I need to make a choice. To train is a must and a must to be more. But to train what: Prone or Air Rifle? The trade-in value of Prone is a lot of money. The trade-in value of Air Rifle is...time. Without training for Prone, it'll be hard for me to get into the national team. Without training for AR, it's equally bad because I'll never get beyond that stupid 572 boundary!

I'm feeling really restless and lethargic now. I've lost much of the mood to blog already.

Perfect balance...well it's a lot of things. Just take something, anything that you do. If you need to do it well, you need a well balance of brains and brawns. Ain't that it? But brains and brawns just don't cover enough ground. How about the 'air' and everything else? You go think about it. I'm done blogging for today...

number twenty

number twenty

quite a number of days more before that number 19 turns number 20...

well, everything just doesn't seem to fit in right these days. it feels so weird. it feels so wrong. and my guess is, it's probably just me.

my irritation point is getting negative. and i'm too easily annoyed these days.

honestly, i just feel like walking out away...
what should i do! i need a sign!

cuz everythin' just feels so wrong.
and everything's like a twister growing strong.

Invictus

Invictus

I dedicate this post to all readers and everyone out there in the world. It has indeed been a tough time recently. The year 2010 definitely has not got off to a good start. With undesirable weather conditions and natural disasters happening around the globe, the world is in crisis. Especially for the Haitians.

This also goes to my dearest friends, friends and everyone who are trying to hard to keep up with the pressure and the workload. It is tough. But we ain't gonna give in to let the challenge conquer us!

Invictus stands for: Unconquered, in Latin.
The movie is out there in cinemas now. So catch it before it ends and I can assure you will never regret it. (same goes for me, I have yet to catch it myself.)

The following poem is by William Ernest Henley.

I dedicate this to all who may be in crisis, under stress and pressure, demoralized and low in spirits, or just purely for reading pleasure. May you be inspired.

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate;
I am the captain of my soul.
--- William Ernest Henley (1849 - 1903)

Do not fear in the face of adversity. Stand strong and fight, for you will forge your destiny ahead.

Sometimes, you've just gotta lose

Sometimes, you've just gotta lose

Ehlow Everybuddeh!

A new year, a new start! Haven't you got sick of that sentence already? It's been about a month since I last posted anything. But even the previous post was nothing much to speak about. So in actual fact, I felt like I haven't blog for a really long while. (No wonder I felt the last time I PROPERLY blogged was ages ago.)

Lots of things have been happening. 2010 ain't starting well for me. I've been clothing on a different outlook and seemed like I've been really positive, strong and fighting on and on. But somehow, it seems to struck me when thoughts just bombard my head. So afterall, I haven't been really strong. And to make things worse, there are many realisations lately which have aroused a major disappointing feeling in me.

I don't know what to make out of it. I am feeling so mixed. Thinking about what's gonna happen next and in time to come, it's good and also bad. How ironic!

Monthly shoots this month are both hopeful-turned-into-mess. That proves one thing, harboring too much hope in your mind gets you no where because you're gonna be lying out of the focus zone. At least that seems true for me. Prone was a lost of familiarity. I couldn't get into right position until the shoot was halfway through for me. That was when I started recalling and piecing together the image of the position of another shooter I was mimicking back in Nov 2009. Air Rifle? HAHAHA. It was a total lost of control. I was fighting a war in my head that morning. I doubt I was even shooting at the 10m targets. My face, after the shoot, could only be described as: darker than charcoal. SERIOUSLY. NOTHING LESS. It's been depressing so far, very depressing.

Oh and did I mention? This post is gonna be very very long. So if you wanna stop now, your eyes will be grateful of you.

Another depressing realisation: I think I've been taking many things for granted of late, especially in Shooting. First, I realised when I had to pay for this month's Air Weapons Monthly Shoot because it was a late registration, I was unwilling to pay. I first asked YJ to help me sign for the monthly shoot on the day before, which was the last day of registration! But it slipped his mind. So when I realised I haven't been registered for the shoot on the following day and I had to pay the penalty fee of $5 for late registration, the will to shoot on that Sunday diminished almost entirely. The thing here is, it was fault on my part that I did not register early for it. My friend did forget to help me with it. But I can't fault another for my own wrongdoings. It was my own responsibility as a shooter to make that effort to register. And I have not been really training regularly either. It has been like a warm-up round just before the monthly shoot. Having provided with the privileges of being a Category B shooter, it seems like I am far from maxmising these benefits given to me and delivering out the possible improvements in my performance. Just because training fees are waivered, I feel like I've lost that commitment to train, yet again. Words of Coach Song ring in my head. And it feels of a definite disappointment.

I am not sure about taking things for granted about my surroundings. I'm sure there is, too. But I haven't given much deep thought about them. This...Shooting portion, holds the most sensitive trigger to that thought of taking things for granted.

"When it comes to life the critical thing is whether you take things for granted or take them with gratitude."-G.K. Chesterton, essayist, novelist and poet.

"Life is a gift. Never take it for granted."-Sasha Azevedo, American actress, athlete and model.

War in my head reminds me of another wise sentence - You've gotta lose some battles in order to win the war. And that is also how the song - The Climb by Miley Cyrus - has been made my daily dose of spiritual ecstasy recently. That almost similar phrase/sentence from the song lyrics: Always gonna be an uphill battle, Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose. Though I know there are people and many others with different opinions about the singer, the song, the music, etc. Whatever it is, I am pretty sure it makes much sense by saying that you can't disagree with me that the lyrics of this song is wonderfully inspiring.

It's 17:20 14/01/2010 in the office now and I've gotta pause here. Because in order for me to continue the next part, I need my ecstasy to lift me back up. So...*press pause*

Then again, i'm back here. it's 12.41am now. but i guess i won't be continuing. i can't seem to get the feeling...oh well...