the phoenix spirit

:: Sunday, November 01, 2009

it's been a while

well. the first thing i would wanna say is, it's definitely been a while since a personal best has been set, again. but this time, it's for prone. no doubt, last month was a new personal best. but it wasn't much of an improvement. that's how i feel. but this month! it definitely is. so here's the report.

97 + 96 + 97 + 96 + 97 + 96 = 579

a whooping 579. never really expected it. but...i do know my performance today was pretty good. although a chain of several unexpected turn of events popped out here and there along the way during the monthly shoot. though i wouldn't exactly wanna go through the elaboration. it's long-winded and tiring. @.@

ahhh well. it's a satisfying performance. i'm missing one point to cut the mark. but it doesnt work that way though. gonna need an average of 3 scores to cut it. still! the best is yet to be! i still gotta keep working on it. consistency is the key here. if it's one thing i realised today, there are 3 key things I need in prone: consistency, relaxation and towel! hahaahaha! =P

i just felt along the way, when i shot, my weight kinda falls to the left. but each time i get up and get back down, it helps to remove that feeling. i still need fine-tuning in certain areas, for now. but one achievement i'm proud of now is my speed of shooting for prone. honestly, now i think there isn't really a need to aim so long at all! it's like...aiya, just shoot lar! hahaha. as long as i'm relaxed and my arms are not tensed, just pull that trigger!

BANG!....

:: Sunday, October 04, 2009

one year later & one year ago

HOLD YOUR THOUGHTS FIRST! now let me explain the title. first, it's not just a random title. second, it has no link or relation to the previous post. totally none with regards to the content. third, well it just so happens to be a coincidence! hahaha. okay okay...that's not the explanation. then again, it actually is. if you re-read my sentence: 'now let me explain the title', so whatever sentences that followed is actually the explanation! but if i change my sentence to: 'now let me explain WHY the title', AHHH HAAAA! then it becomes different. (now, that is the beauty and cunningness of English Language. hahahahaha)

alrights. done with crapping. if you don't comprehend whatever's above. don't try too hard. there's no point trying to understand it, unless you have too much time on your hands and probably even legs. (gosh. what is becoming of me??? my amount of nonsense is increasing! O_O)

back to the main point now!

hmmmm. a year ago in October, i stopped. a year later in the exact same month (minus one day), i start again.

don't understand? i'm talking about shooting 50m smallbore(SB) rifle prone here. i stopped my training and participation in SB last year because i couldn't cope with the financial factor. it was draining my pockets out, pretty badly. and i don't think it's going to get any better this time round either. BUT i've made better plans this time. at least that's the way i see it now.

it's been a year. and yes, one full year! today's the October monthly shoot. and i only had ONE training last week. it's ONE after resting for one W-H-O-L-E year. (okay wait. instead of full or whole year. more emphasis and attention seems to be on the ONE. lol.) okay. never mind, let's just move on...

today, opens up a new peak for me. today, is the new beginning for me in this event. today, is the mark of improvement. (and no, i'm not gonna type any more todays, just in case i sound like i'm advertising for Today!)

i think i better dive into the details of today's shoot or it'll never come.

92 + 90 +95 + 91 + 97 + 96 = 561

yes. it's a new personal best...for prone, ever since last September's one which was 555. but the consistency still isn't there. it's the lack of training. position wise was getting better. i could better understand the grasp of a good position with least tension today. at least, i know now what is to ensure both(both as in right and left) shoulders and arms are relaxed. sometimes unconsciously, my left hand will apply strength to control the rifle. but when i checked my shot routine each time today before engaging in taking aim for each shot, i felt the difference of applying strength and just being relaxed. well, letting go and relax sure did alter the feeling of comfort on my left wrist. but it's for the better. haha. (i mean come on, in one of such torturous positions in shooting, what comfort is there to really talk about anyway...so might as well enjoy it.)

the other thing was my goal today wasn't really to shoot much a good score. and honestly, i didn't had much of a hope by the looks of my sighting shots. it was so dispersed. the grouping was pretty bad, in fact. and yea, my main goal today was really to just make sure i finish shooting a total of 60 shots plus sighting shots (which i shot about...18 shots) in 1 hour 30 mins. and guess what? i finished in 1 hour and.....8 mins! and yes! i felt great!!!! something much much different from the way i felt last year when i wasn't able to finish the competition in Aug and Oct!

the interesting thing here today was. i made a mistake in the number of shots i had to shoot. Not literally in the number count. But visually. because one box of bullets has 50 bullets. so i don't know what or how i was thinking but...somehow my mind was thinking there were 40 bullets on each holder. so the whole competition routine that i had in mind today was something like this: 10 mins preparation time. check the watch. keep track of the time. competition starts. check the watch again. remember the time. aim to finish within 1 hour including sighting shots. take rest for every 20 shots.

and so it began. i started shooting my sighters. bang bang bang...then i went on to start my competition shots without any rests before. (rests as in getting up and out of the position and rest) then i got up after shooting 20 shots into the competition. rested a while. check the time again. it was...40 mins into the competition. so i had 50 mins left for 40 shots more. then during the first 20 shots, i realized i totally forgot to factor in the target changing time for every shot! and i was like thinking: "shit...haw seh liao. never mind never mind. whatever it is, just chiong to finish."

so i rested, then i got back down into prone position and started again! now the trick or rather, the weird thing that happened here was that, i know i still had 40 shots to shoot and i recognized that i didn't had much time left after resting (but actually, i thought i didn't had much time left because of the bullets, with regards to the way i perceived the appearance) so i modified my competition routine. instead of resting after every 20 shots, it seemed that i just had to finish this next 40 shots all at once. but because the initial routine was to get up after every 20 shots, so when i looked at the holder for the bullets (which my mind supposedly segmented into 20 shots in the head already), so i thought the current holder had 20 remaining and i had to use another 20 from the other holder.

ok now. recall one box holds 50 bullets right? so there are 2 boxes. i used one of it for 18 shots of sighting shots. and when i started my competition. i switched to a full new box of 50. so if you do the math, after shooting my first 20 competition shots, i should have 30 left! not only 20! (my mind got mixed up and thought there were only 20!) so when i finished my last actual shot in reality, i thought i haven't finish and i continued to load! then i was like thinking again: "quick quick change target! time is running out!" *the human target changer (just in case you're wondering if it's a machine) takes the last target out* then i was like: "EH?! finished already ah? ehhhhh?!?! really meh? i thought still got 10 more shots? *confused*"

so i looked back down at my bullets. and....OOOHHHHH. my mind segmented the number wrongly. tsk!

okay. i just realized i'm not even sure if the whole explanation for this supposed-to-be-humorous weird happening is clear and understandable. but if you do understand it after reading and you're like hahaha-ing away, congratulations! if you do understand it after reading and you're not like hahaha-ing away, never mind, be consoled that you actually did understand what a chunk of messy details. but if you are none of the above 2 scenarios, then just forget it. just close the window man. stop reading. you're probably too confused already. really! (i'm sure i don't have to direct you to the CROSS sign on the top right hand corner of window, do i?)

okay. done. it's a really long post, full of crap. Totally! it's either i'm crazy, tired or maybe my hurting back is causing this unusual effect on my brain.

:: Thursday, October 01, 2009

a month ago & a month later

i'm thinking this is gonna be quite a pretty long post tonight. but i'm not sure how it's gonna turn out eventually. maybe shorter than expected? well, we'll find out after i publish the post i guess...

it's been approximately a month since i have started my internship. i can't decide on how i should be describing it. though it doesn't fall into the positive side of categories of descriptions. it is more or less still alright. yeah....'alright' is probably the most suitable word to describe it at this point in time.

i guess i can't deny that i have definitely learnt certain things. some new stuff on the business side and....yeah just the business side of the business. lol. interacted with a different system. SAP to be exact. and that's about all that much i can say, since most of the work revolves around a routine cycle. it's literally the same cycle every other day with minimal variation in ad-hoc tasks.

but it's a month later now. and it's pretty much the same things happening around still. but not in my head. lately. my thoughts are coming back. just yesterday, i don't feel right for the job. i feel like there are so many conflicting emotions in me. i feel cooped up in a cubicle. and it sounds so much like any typical day job in this society. i feel like....i just feel like i'm in the wrong job. perhaps because of the people. perhaps because of the environment. and most probably perhaps of my interests and driving force.

from my understanding, it seems the allowance was one of the driving force for interns. but then it seems, that's not working on me. and then there is this thought that began quite a while back. the thought about which suits me best now. the frontline? being in the middle of the action? or the backend? i don't have a definite answer to this yet, but i guess this applies differently in different industries. in the automotive industry, i probably think i'll love it better being in the frontline. better so if it was in motorsports. but it's the backend now, so i guess i just gotta hang on and get through this. if not, i'm sure i'll pass.

sticking around in this job now tells me one definite thing. i can confidently say i'm not gonna stay desk-bounded and stick my head at the monitor for 8 hours a day sitting in the chair. No! No way am i gonna get comfortable in that seat!

honestly, i know very well in me that i'm not at all ready for working life. i might not ever be ready. or maybe this applies for the society here only. i have yet to pinpoint the exact reason for this yet. well i mean, since i have yet to work in a different country, of course i won't know. and maybe the reason may also be the job itself. it remains an open reason and much room for exploration.

and with that, i wonder how i'm really gonna get through another 4 months of work. equating to around 90 working days? ever since i put out that fire, things haven't seem to be getting better. rather than not, it seems to be getting worse. i hate to say it, but i kinda feel like i can be putting my life to better use instead if i don't spend 9 hours working. then again, maybe it's a matter of perspective?

i'm getting some after-thoughts too. i want to seek a life of adventure. a simple life yet filled with times of adventures. and that's exactly why i don't wanna stay desk-bounded. just today in the evening, i was looking at the newspaper. then i thought, maybe being in the middle of the action is a good idea? being a journalist? or a field reporter? okay...maybe i'll stick to journalism for a start. sounds pretty workable doesn't it? hmmm. well, i guess you gotta be in it to know it.

and in a month, there's so many things happening. unbelievably, Mother Nature has struck in consecutive days. well, almost for everything. last Saturday, Typhoon Ketsana in the Philippines cutting across to Vietnam, Cambodia and Laos. Then on Tuesday, came the 8.3 earthquake around Samoa Islands which triggered a tsunami so powerful, it could reach some Japanese island, i think. And the next day, Wednesday, the 7.6 underwater earthquake in the state of Padang in Indonesia followed by a 6.8 one somewhere near Sumatra. And now there's Typhoon Parma which seems to be coming at Philippines again. something isn't right here. that's definite. but what is? this almost-round sphere that we're standing, sitting, sleeping on, is going out of control. or is it a sign about something impending? *wonders*

oh well. guess i gotta head to bed now. it's gonna be another long day ahead again. (and looks like, it is indeed a long post!)

:: Saturday, August 29, 2009

the transition or...

finally, it's the last of the exams i'll ever have after 13 years of education in my 19 years of life. well, probably at least for the whole of another year. oddly, i'm not feeling any tinge of relief nor joy exuding from myself. and that is definitely not a good thing.

it's only a week of holidays before my internship starts. i really need some fresh air to breathe. Singapore's air is getting rather stale and full of stress as i breathe it in every two seconds. (but on an honest side note, the air is really getting dirty. pollution!) well hopefully, i'll have enough time to get some fresh natural air.

and then internship starts, what's it gonna be? i can only say i'll take whatever comes. sigh. the last time i said that phrase: "i'll take whatever comes", that was....i dont even remember when. but it definitely was a pretty confident phrase. Still is? Perhaps. i'm sounding pretty negative doesnt it? why am i not surprised? hur. blowing out a struggling fire was something i never expected i would do. but at least it removes one burden off the mind.

ending the last semester of a diploma education with an internship marks the start of working life as well, not on its entirety but similar. the future seems kinda meek and blur. entering into an entirely new environment is gonna feel different somehow. although there were past working experiences, this feeling i'm getting just doesnt match.

and then there comes a choice right now. probably the toughest choice i hav ever contemplated upon for the whole of my life until now. the longest ever consideration i hav given to a choice. the most times of hesitation i have gone over again and again to decide (and still doing so). and up till now, i still dont know if it'll be the right choice; if consequences will overweigh benefits, if there is even any benefits. and pardon me seriously, i know my words arent portraying much of a positive attitude. (if you, as a reader, find that the negativity [although subtle but present] in the content, is getting on your nerves, you could always press Alt+D on a Windows computer now and type someone else's blog address)

on a more random note, was chatting and the word 'start' suddenly struck me. i stumbled back on my memories. back on why i started this blog. the starting;the beginning. inevitably, i'm back on my train of thoughts again. never failed as a specialty or my forte, i presume.

:: Wednesday, August 19, 2009

gone with the wind

it's funny how i find myself here typing with nothing in mind to really blog about.

exams are coming next week. and it's the last of the exams i'll ever have in this college. have been doing revision bit by bit for the past few days. but i wonder how much is really retained inside the brain so far. it's hard to get going alright. the feeling just doesnt feel all right.

right now, i've stopped my revision for the day. but i find myself drowning in my recent playlist on iTunes, trying to find a fresh song to play on this blog. something that fits the mood...

i realise i still find myself struggling. with a lot of things. but somehow, it seems i'm making a pretty pointless attempt at finding solutions. maybe because i'm starting to fear what happens after.

it's pretty obvious either i'm trying to beat ard the bush or i'm really an empty vessel right now isn't it? judging from the lengths of my paragraphs as compared to my past posts, it's a vast difference i think. sighhh...

dennis tan.
the flamin phoenix.
where the heck are you?
or are you really dead this time?
where's your soul? where's your spirit?
just where hav you gone?