Sunday, December 31, 2006

new year resolutions 2007

year 2007 new yr resolutions

a new beginning. a new start. welcome to year of 2007...
it's time i refresh myself
n let e phoenix in me go thru rebirth once again
cos a new journey awaits me n life is going to b everchanging.
here i am, to lay out my new year resolutions...

1. To get into IB. (if Os results permit me to do so)
2. Otherwise get into Poly w biz-IT related diploma.
3. bac on to shooting.
4. break personal best of 572. (man, i havent done that for a long time...)
5. gain insights 'bout astronomy. (stars, tis n that...)
6. help her do well in her Os tis yr

taz abt it i guess. cant hav too many since my future for e nxt 2-3 mths is kinda bleek until my results r out. haha.

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

ramblings

ramblings

woah. stomach very full seh. juz came bac from nance's treat at raffles city shopping mall. went to sushi tei - eat katsuya curry n eat n eat. then went to some gloria cafe or something - drank espresso n eat choco cakes. EAT AGAIN. wah. really full sia. e espresso was supposed to keep me awake but i guess it was pointtless since i ate so much food. now i'm a sleepy head again. krozzz...

shooting camp ended last wed. great camp indeed. i enjoyed it a lot. credit goes to e sec 3s. wadever unpleasant comments were made by e juniors, ignore it lar. a well-organised camp is better than a fun yet unorganised camp. nth will ever b perfect as long as we r humans. but waz more impt is how well-planned n how well e camp was run. ( i think i'm freakin' lag sia. camp ended last wk, n i'm probably e only one bloggin' abt it e following wk...haiz)

after camp. blardie bz packing like siao. n then i finally moved on 9 Dec, Sat. FINALLY! i'm so drained n exhausted after that. now my room is still full of boxes here n there. as a matter of fact, there's only four boxes. hahaha. but i lazy unpack seh. sibei sian. LOL.

haiz. a lot of problems w e hse still. a lot of defects here n there. n worst!!! i got no study table!!! argh! no stock at IKEA for e table i wan.

still missing so many things. my LCD TV, telescope, bedside lava lamp, n dno wad else. e list goes on. n soon i'll b broke.

x'mas coming soon. gotta get something for her. n soon. wad will she get? it's a secret i wun tell. even she doesnt know. but i hope it'll touch her heart. hopefully. though, i wun bet on it. haiz. will u ever b w me? will that day ever come? haiz.

now she's off to her holiday overseas already. juz hope she'll enjoy herself as much as possible. she flies overseas n my heart has also become a stowaway there. always w her.

well. that kinda wraps up tis entry on ramblings for some recent happenings.
so ciao...

enjoy urself there. but my heart will always stay w u.

Thursday, November 23, 2006

you know my name

you know my name

Arm yourself because no-one else here will save you
The odds will betray you
And I will replace you
You can't deny the prize it may never fulfil you
It longs to kill you
Are you willing to die?

The coldest blood runs through my veins
You know my name


e song itself may not make any link to my entry. but i would say it's a great song. it's e main title song from casino royale.

a lot of things seems to hav happened ard me, but rite now, i seem to b placed in a state of confusion. everyone ard me seems to b quite happy w wad they r in now, but that doesnt applies to me. haiz.

it's back to square one. back to e start to get her heart...to get ur heart. i dno if u still continue to read my blog. i dno if u still feel e way u feel when u talked to me during e sept holidays. those words u said. haiz. it seems like i dno anything anymore abt u. it seems i've lost so much things abt u after breaking for so long due to my Os. it seems as if i'm lost upon u.

nvrtheless, i did wad mention wad i wan to do. try again. try n try again n again. there's a lot of things i wanna talk again. i wanna make things clear. i wan to b w u. but my whole intention nxt yr is not to distract u w all these things. i wanna help u. help u ace ur Os. help u to improve. help u in every area i can help. it's more than juz help. i'm concerned abt u, concerned abt ur Os. i dare to say i love u more than ever. no girl has ever made me wept tears for her. no one except u. more so it was not only a day w tears.

i dno waz it gonna b. wadever ur decision is, i'll still definitely respect it. but that doesnt mean i will give up e tot of u being mine. i'll continue e wait, more determined than ever. till e day comes, You Know My Name. e name of e person that will persist on n will not give u up.

i wan to confess that as much as i wan to keep tis low profile. i still did share it w a few pple, 2 teachz, one who teaches u, one who doesnt. sry abt it. i cant help it. it's kind of difficult to share my prob w/o knowing who are involve in it. really sry. i didnt mean it.

to wad e future may hold, i hope u'll let me in into ur heart, even e least bit. i know it might b difficult. but once again, my sole wish is to help u all e way thru ur Os nxt yr. whether more pple will know abt tis, i dno. but i definitely wish that there'll b no more.

well juz hope u remb.
to e ends of e universe,
u r e one n only girl who is able to make me tear.
determination runs in me.
e wait will continue, no matter wad.
e love will stay true only to u.
cos i'm sure u know who i am,
wad i am, how i am like.
n i will always b e one i am

as long as
You Know My Name.

Friday, November 17, 2006

the end yet a new beginning

the end yet a new beginning

well well well...e Os hav definitely come to end for me. n guess wad. it's e end! wooh yeah man. hmmm...it's been a long journey n tough one. but that's obvious. it's a great relief that everything related to academics has ended. FOR NOW. e strange thing is that i still feel uncomfortable. something juz isnt rite. i'm suppose to feel super-relaxed, but somehow, stress or wadever u call it still engulfs me.

anyway, i dno. i cant b bothered now. it's e end. YES. but, it's a new beginning from now on. it's a start of a new chapter of my life. new things. new ROOM! new dreams. new lease of life.

well. everything's gonna change from now on. i dno wad e future ahead will b like. but i do know wad my actions will b. there's gonna b a lot of things i hav to do n many things to strive for.

my NEW room awaits my action:
argh!!...there's hell lot of things to do for my room. painting. decorating. building up knock-down furniture. finding e furniture i need at LOW COSTS but GOOD QUALITY......etc. argh...tis will literally take up at least 50% of my time for enjoyment n other things. i hav to search high n low over e whole island for cheap but good stuffs. that means i'll hav to travel from e east to e west, north to south, n even round n round SG.

HER. as i said i wun give up. n since it's after e Os, i will keep on trying, no matter wad.
so still, i wanna ask: is there still no chance at all? i really do wish to b able to b w u. but i know ur Os is nxt yr. n i know u shld focus on ur Os rather than on r/s matters. so wad i feel is that i wan to b w u but also i wanna help u. i wanna help u do well in ur Os nxt yr. i know that i may not hav e chance still, but i do hope u give me tis chance to at least help u in journey to ur Os coming nxt yr.

other things that r happening soon.
shooting camp. 4-6 dec. tis yr's one seems much interesting. e activities lined up r really engaging n is good. i'm expecting e camp to turn out to b much better than i expect.

a job? or mayb two jobs?....hmm, gotta consider some jobs though, i'm short of green pieces of papers. esp for paying that ferrari laptop of mine equipped w windows vista ultimate. it's gonnna cost me 3000 over odd. omg. many easy jobs w high pay though. heh heh heh....let's c how much i earn in one month.

X'MAS. hohoho. it's e end of e yr again. n xmas is here to bring gifts to everyone. well, of cos i'm not e santa claus...hahaha. but i do hav some gifts to buy for some pple though. hmm...money issue again. haiz.

so. that's a wrap. it's new journey from now on. Os hav end but my life hasnt. it's a new road ahead n i hope things r gonna get better.

until e nxt time...e flamin' phoenix
signin' out...!

Sunday, November 05, 2006

one time. one chance.

one time. one chance.
let's do tis e way i wan.
or forget abt it.

it's been awhile since i've came here. but there aint much time for me to spend it here, today.

e written papers r starting tmrw, for me that is. n tis is it. tis is where it all starts n where it all will end. there's only one time to tis. n there's only one shot at each of e papers to come.

e bad thing is, i havent doing much serious preps for it. whether i can survive tis ordeal, n make a miracle out of it within e nxt 12 days, taz gonna depend on wad i'll do. it's getting scary now but wad it takes is perseverance n endurance for e nxt 12 days. it's a haunting reality - a terrifying one.

e good thing is...hmm well, it doesnt seems there's much of it though. haha. e only good thing i can say is that at least my mind is still staying positive n is keeping e hopes of a miracle happening alive (of cos together w wad i'm gonna do).

wad i'm missing now is e key again. tis time, it's e key of confidence. that key is hidden in me all along. n i hav to reach it, in order to achieve wad i wan.

so tis is it. 12 more days. waz it gonna b?
it's only one time. there's only one chance.
so let's do tis e way i wan it to turn out.
otherwise just forget it...

Ready To Fly...

I've been trying to open the door
To the secret of my destiny
And every new road I think is the one
Seems to lead right back to me

I've looked for a way to be wiser
A way to be strong
Now I see the answer is hiding
In me all along

And I'm ready to fly
Over the sun
Like a rocket to heaven
And I'm ready to soar
Right through the sky
Never dreamed I'd find something to lift me so high up
I always have wings
But I wasn't ready to fly

Restless, hopeless, and misunderstood
Like so many others I know
So busy tryin' to keep holdin' on
When I should've been letting go
I was given the gift to find it
The spirit inside me
But I never really imagined
All I could be

And I'm ready to fly
Over the sun
Like a rocket to heaven
And I'm ready to soar
Right through the sky
Never dreamed I'd find something to lift me so high up
I've always had wings
But I wasn't ready to fly

The answer to all of my wonders
Was right in my hands
Now it's time for me to discover
All that I am

And I'm ready to fly
Over the sun
Like a rocket to heaven
And I'm ready to soar
Right through the sky
Never dreamed I'd find something to lift me so high up
I've always had wings
But I wasn't ready to fly

I've always had wings
Now I'm finally ready to fly

Friday, October 20, 2006

Graduation Day

Graduation Day

well...wad can i say? it's been a long 4 yr journey in tis sch, w all e ups & downs that i had went thru, which have enriched my life here. n it all ends today.

there was a solemn atmosphere. e sadness that was in e air kinda triggers one's tears...but it seemed that there was only a small handful who had cried. me? well, it's typical. tears did go on n off. always trying to hold back my tears. each time e water in my eyes is gonna overflow, it would stop n slowly flow down to e nose...n then i'll blow my nose n e wheezing sound goes off...haha. seriously, it wasn't much of a crying day. i tot i would tear, n as expected, i did...but not to e exaggerated extent.

so waz tis entry abt then? i dun think i wan to narrate out e whole ceremony but as i listen to tis graduation song, memories dwell in my mind & also, i wan to repeat or say wadever i wan w wadever time i hav left. i know i'll come back to tis sch still, but i also know i wun b able turn back to my past again. n also bcos, i dno if i'll hav any other days, anymore.

frens:
it's been a great time thru out tis 4 yrs. whether we really know each other well, regardless of how many yrs, classmates, sch mates, thanks a lot for contributing urself to b part of our memories in tis sch. let's all do our best in e Os, bcos we all know we can do it. Believe it to live it, we've got e potential.

e usual gang:
vocab not strong enuf to describe everything lar...haha. simply put, fun times & sad times. each n every one of u hav been unique in ur own ways, n that's wad make tis frenship really special n worth cherishing. honestly speaking, though i love to b a lonewolf many times, i'm afraid myself, that i might lose everybody someday. i hope it wun b that way. it's e final phase now. i know we all can do it well, so we must put in everything we've got to get wad we wan. Let's do it!!!

teachz:
e 2 form teachz, ms yeo n ms chiang; e co-form, mdm cao; el, ms soh; e & a math, mr teo; physics, mdm tan; chem, mdm chan; bio, ms ng; CL, zhang lao shi n dai lao shi. whichever subjects u do teach me, waz more impt to me is that all of u hav made that big difference in my life. infinite thks to all. to e 2 forms n ms soh, i'm really grateful for everything, esp. ms yeo n ms soh. e times i spent chatting w both of u online, it's really wonderful. i cant thk u all enuf. pple always say students make teachers wanna cry. but u teachers really make me wanna cry instead. as it is rite now, i'm tearing indeed. growing out of my thick lonewolf skin, every thank you that u do say to me for wad i hav done, it's like some feeling i cant really describe. but tis feeling always leads to my tears when i think, one day we'll part. it's saddening bcos i'm scared. scared to b all alone again.

finally,
her:
it's a long time since i've really speak my heartfelt words to u. so tis para is, again, for u. i juz wanna re-emphasise that i do still love u till now. i'm still waiting. waiting on n on, as long as i need to. no matter wad, i wun give u up. n well, i've now officially graduated from YTSS. i dunno how often more will we really c each other. i juz know my love will stick to u, regardless of any obstacles, b it distance, time, wadever it is. less than 2 wks left to ur 1st ever O lvl paper, how u feel? i'll b taking that paper on that day as well. so all e best to u, bcos u can do well. u juz need to hav some confidence n believe in urself. as for me, u shld know my style, i prefer no one wished me luck...haha. ;)...n of cos, not 4getting my other O papers, it'll come fast n end fast. but waz more is how fast n well i prepare myself for it. so, on tis note, let's all strive our best n excel together all e way.

We Will Excel!!!

Friday, September 29, 2006

disappointment

disappointment.
&
a shattered dream.

shld i laugh or shld i cry? i hav no idea. if i laugh, e laughter is bitter. if i cry, e tears r bitter too. almost all e results of tis prelim hav been made known to me. waz left is physics n CL. rite now, i'm so totally depressed. i'm so disappointed in myself, n even more so, her. i cant bring myself to face her anymore. e prelims, was a total messed up. haiz.

everything seems at its worst now. or probably there's smething much worse? i so dun wanna know.

everything just didnt work out in tis exam. e only thing tat worked out was EL. but to only do well in one sub....waz e DAMN pt...?!! all my other god damn subs screwed up like some blardie freaking shit. waz e damn pt of getting a better grade in EL, to only do badly in e other subs? it just cancels out e whole damn benefit. WHY DID THIS HAPPEN??? WHY?!!!

i cant find e cause. i dno wad e cause is. but i've identify 2 possibilities but there could just b even more of it. just wad is e damn cause? wad is that damn blardie ROOT CAUSE of all tis shit i'm suffering.

emath: cant even get my a1. PATHETIC
comb humanz: ss was a total wasted piece of shit! so wad if i've crapped my way thru geog well enuf. SO WAD?!
chem: paper 2 section A was totally off wad i'm suppose to get. QA screwed my whole practical. DAMN IT. not even an a2.
amath: hmph...both papers r a total bullshit. a c5 juz makes my L1R5 worse. just might as well blow me up w a c4.
bio: speechless. nth to say abt it.

unknown:-
physics: 4get it. i dun wanna know e results anymore. i've given up on it for tis prelim.
CL: only miracles will revive it.

my mind is a battlefield inside. my feelings r all messed up. i dun even know wad i truely feel anymore. anguish; sadness; confusion; madness. a really devastated soul.

e situation is juz a big mess. i'm totally numb over PAE alrdy. e 1st 3 mths. i dun even know if wanna go anymore. i'm juz too undecided. or shld i say i'm more decided on juz giving up e damn admission for e 3 mths. practically, my mind is probably 95% for giving it up, but unless e mere 5% can do miracles. but, an untold future holds me now. i dno anything anymore. i dun wanna know either.

my dreams r juz shattered. not being able to make it to HC is bad enuf. waz more if my dream of getting to a averagely gd JC is gone. haiz. so down. so depressed. so disappointed.

i feel as if i've let down so many pple. all those pple out there who is supporting me, who knows abt my dream, who cares for me. i feel so bad that i disappointed esp ms yeo n her. nth gets worse. but no one will understand how disappointed i am, how bad i feel towards them...

Monday, September 25, 2006

assembly 25-9-06

assembly 25/9/06

e P gave a talk during e assembly today. a talk w a purpose n w some power in it. hmmm. i must say it triggered my thinking indeed. there's only abt 41 daes b4 e written Os n things dun seem to b in place. e fact is: it's serious.

P had a point there when he said: "study 10 hrs, 15 hrs blah blah blah....if u need." but i tot otherwise. i tot that sacrifice as much as u can, just for tis final phase. e sacrifice will do much. still, my tots r somehow similar to wad he said. haiz...

r we still slacking? that's a key qn. somehow, i get e feeling i still do. things r alrdy as bad as it is now. my prelims results wun get me anywhere i wan, n i am sure of it. PAE to HC, it's a little out of e way if i'm using tis set of results. i can practically 4get abt e whole 3 mths things trying to get to HC, unless a miracle do happen in e appeal, which e chances r way low.

i dno wad is happening anymore. my drive is there, but actions just arent taken. where am i really heading. if tis keeps up, even e only hope in JAE to HC will extinguish. haiz. i, too, dno waz gonna happen next.

41 daes. one goal. one time.
1 goal: HC
1 time: e 1 n only Os
i'll definitely pull thru tis 41 daes b4 e Os, n 2 wks to e end of e Os. but wad matters more is, wad is gonna happen in tis nxt 41 daes. tis is so damn freaking bad.

PLAN. a revision timetable. not sure if it'll really work tis time, but i guess i juz hav to really stick to it n i juz hope that i'll really do it.

i cant lose another chance. e final one. all my hopes to HC r pinned down on JAE now. i dun care wad it's gonna take to get my goal n my L1R5.
2 things, final say:
college:
HCI

L1R5:
7

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

e Final Countdown

time trials end - prelim.
e Final Countdown.

yea, finally e prelims ended. wahoo. but i aint a bit happy bout it. haiz. probably a momentary feeling of relieve, but happy is definitely not w it. prelims might hav ended but wad remains are e results. i'm goin to b in super deep shit tis time man. somehow, i started screwing up from last wed till today. e magnitude of screwing up e prelims from last wed till today, could actually b represented by a quadratic expression w a sad face...haha. seriously, i juz realise tat now. e trend is exactly similar...hahaha.

screwed papers: e math P2, physics paper. sian.
BIG-TIME screwed ones: a math, bio paper. WAH..si bei sian arh...!!!

walao eh. it's like practically whole prelim is screwed. piang eh, like tat how to even think abt goin for e 3 mths, let alone aiming to go HCI for e 3 mths. haiz.

i cant believe myself lor. i even screwed up e most basic foundation in E math ytd. 2 pretty simple careless mistakes screwed both my qns n made me lost hell of lot marks. darn it. i'm so pissed. but well, after some analysis of my routine, i deduced tat e most probable cause was due to late nitez slping tat had caused my brain to somehow "malfunction" in basic logic thinking. haiz.

e only thing i'm worried now: Will i b able to get some gd results n go to HC or even at least some prestige JC?

anyway, prelims r down. e nxt thing on my mind is e Os. n of cos there's still a next next thing on my mind too...haha. but 1st, e Os.

practicals r coming in bout 4 wks. darn, i'm running out of time. i cant start slacking again. it's big time i really do smething. i dun wanna screw up my whole life...haha. but of cos, it'll definitely b a break for me today. it's getting intense. e final countdown is finally starting.

so, Next up: e Os. Bring it on man! Let's do it!!!

e final race is finally abt to start, now that e time trials are over. it's time to finetune every part in tis machine. cos there's aint no chance for screwing up again as it was in e trials. it's time. it's e final countdown.

Friday, September 08, 2006

e decision

time will pass. but i wun
e decision.

i've been thinking for these 2 days...i've at least come to a decision i'm clear of. n tis is it.

memories. e past few months of memories we had, i'll keep them safe for now n i hope u'll still keep them. e incident in jan. my b'dae gift. ur belated b'dae gift. e photo at IMM. n everything else. these memories r juz too much for me n i cant 4get them, bcos i cherish them.

feelings. time is juz gonna keep moving on but my feelings will still stay. i wun give up. I WON'T. i dun care how long i hav to b in ur waiting list. i dun care how long tis wait will take. i juz care tat i will wait as long as u r still part of my heart. no matter wad, i'll still wait for u. i hope that day will come. rite?

i cant let u go cos u mean too much to me. i hav too much things to say i can hardly remb wad i wanna type.

for now. term 4 is gonna start. n yes i know, u really hope tat i'll do well for Os. dun worry...i'll definitely get back full focus tis term, n i'll go maximum speed for tis final race. i will do well. I WILL. n i guess our r/s still stays e same for now. me n u, at least let it b a "very close fren" r/s kae? alrite w tat?

after my Os. things r definitely gonna change by then. but wad will it b, i dno. i definitely know i'll b bz w my relocation to my new residence in yishun but still, just wan u to know, i'll b fighting for u...yes i will. i hope u wun step back. n even w or w/o a chance, i told u: i wont give up.

i've made tis decision as clear as possible. juz tat there r still feelings i wanna type but couldnt remb. alrite. it's my Os tat i'll focus now. I'll do it w wadever i've got!


Wednesday, September 06, 2006

a reality i cant accept

a reality i cant accept. juz cant.

u said it. u finally said what i expected to b. it's painful, i'm sure u know that. i juz cant accept it at all. my heart juz dun wan it to b tis way.

no chance. not even after my Os. haiz. i nvr wanted things to end tis way. WHY? i cried. several times. so lonely, so hurt, why did it hav to end like tis...sobs...

i'm so lost n lonely now. no one to love but u. u have someone else in ur heart...but who..? i juz wanna know: who. who was e one who made it into ur heart? i really dno wad will happen to me, now that i've lost u...really lost u.......:'(

haiz. everytime i think bout how painful tis is, my tears juz cant help it. so many months of memories, all for u, not for e sake of love. it's juz to difficult for me to put things down like tis. n i wun.

my heart juz wun let u loose. my feelings aint gonna b changing juz yet. do i really still stand e chance? even if i did make it into ur waiting list...will there ever b a chance...? e pieces of my heart...each piece resembles u w different faces w different expressions. angry; sad; happy; frown; cheerful; thankful. too many of them....*tears*...

u said u r not worth it. to me, u r worth everything to me. nth beats it. my love for u is juz too deep. it's juz like a blade stabbed rite in my heart now....haiz. losing u...is as good as losing e world.

*wheezes*....i juz hope tat one day will come. tat day when u ask me to b w u. cos for now, i cant accept tis fate; i cant 4get u; i cant let u go juz like tis n i will nvr; i cant 4get tis love. JUZ CANT.

tears for u will nvr stop...

So many words for the broken heart
It's hard to see in a crimson love
So hard to breathe
Walk with me, and maybe
Nights of light so soon become
Wild and free I could feel the sun
Your every wish will be done
They tell me...

Show me the meaning of being lonely
Is this the feeling I need to walk with
Tell me why I can't be there where you are
There's something missing in my heart...

Life goes on as it never ends
Eyes of stone observe the trends
They never say forever gaze
Guilty roads to an endless love
There's no control
Are you with me now
Your every wish will be done
They tell me...

Show me the meaning of being lonely
Is this the feeling I need to walk with
Tell me why I can't be there where you are
There's something missing in my heart...

There's nowhere to run I have no place to go
Surrender my heart, body and soul
How can it be you're asking me to feel the things you never show?

You are missing in my heart

Tell me why I can't be there where you are

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

i cant accept it

i juz cant accept it...pls tell me it wun b like tis

is tis e feeling i need to walk with...?

haiz...u came in juz to say your piece. did u really mean everything..? u said u still like me as who i am to u. does that mean there is no more chance? does that mean u wun b giving me a chance after my Os? i dun fully understand...i dun really know wad u fully mean. i reall wan to talk properly thru... i hope things wun really turn out wad i expect to b, cos i cant accept it. *tears*...tis is e 1st time my love for someone has gotten so strong. i juz cant take it if u juz let things hang in mid air...

i know u r still trying to get over things. there's still a lot of things unsettled in u. all i wish for is juz a simple chance to b wif u. is there really not at all even e slightest bit...

u said u tot it thru. i juz hope u didn mean exactly everything u said. i cant. i cant accept it. tis aint like my MT Os. i cant let it go juz like tis...it's too difficult for me....sorriez...*tears*

show me the meaning of being of lonely
is tis e feeling i need to walk with
tell me why i cant be there where you are
there's something missing in my heart...

Sunday, September 03, 2006

short but happy

short but happy.

quite a restless n boring afternoon i spent today...or mayb i shld say a tiring n boring afternoon...*yawnz*. was stuck in e cinema at jurong centre watching Barnyard today.

*snorez*...i was starting to fall asleep after watching bout 20 odd mins...man, my eyes were closing alrdy. e show was touching n there was a strong moral put across e story. it wasnt much of wad i expected. like funny, hilarious. in fact, most were silly instead. wad was most unexpected was tat tears came flowing out of my eyes. e touching story behind e silly actions was wad impressed me. it's a good show but didn really fit my emotions today.

alrite back to e main story. morning. woke up. still feeling darn sleepy. ate some breakfast. went to IMM n support her.

journey. wanted to slp in e train but didn. *yawnz*...too excited i guess...hahas. still, my eyes wanna close...hahaha.

destination: IMM, level 3 outside Daiso. quite far out of Daiso, in fact. well, i got to c wad exactly Daiso was - some departmental store i nvr heard b4..haha. reached e SPOT. looking around for her. couldnt find her. i tot she said she's gonna b damn prominent?! okays..anyway finally found her stall, after looking high n low for her. RED CARDBOARD!!! haha...tat was wad she was wearing. well, tat was prominent enuf for me to spot where she was.

hmm...seriously, u looked cute or rather, errr...cool? w tat thing on. alrite, cute sounds better...haha. n in fact i dun find it dui lian at all...there's nth wrong or bad abt tat rite?

n so..as usual, i supported her. LOL. paid 5 bucks for a pic w her. haiz...hahaha. but it was nice. a jigsaw photo. nice memory...hahas. her sis was there, so she attended to her 1st. in e end, when her sis left, she came to me...n wad happened?...i was overwhelmed w SORRIES. man...it was e 1st time i heard tat many coming from her...haha. Look...it's okay, therez no need to keep apologising...i understand..(=

waz nxt? i left. not exactly left. i went downstairs to get my lunch. chicken rice as usual...but e rice was not at all soft n fragrant...haiz. taz bcos i left e meal to stand in e cold for quite a while. sms-ing my way, as e rice turned cold...hahas. eat halfway, take out HP....sms again...haha. LOL. tis way, tasty chicken rice also bcome bad liao lor..haha.

wanted to send her home...but well didn do it. if i did, i wouldnt b typing tis entry so early alrdy. reasons? 4get it...i wont tell anyone. she knows. i know. gd enuf....haha.

linkin' back to my title, y was it happy? definitely, it was short cos i juz went to take a pic w her n buy tat jigsaw photo. tat was way short. happy? well, it's nice. it's memorable [w e photo]. it was a happy moment i spent w her.

well..tat concludes tis entry. [hmm..sounded kinda anticlimatic...lalala, wadever..who cares...hahas]

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

pain

pain

my heart is aching. a lot. i dunno y...but i know it's tearing me apart.

e pain i feel. e ache i get. it's so immense, i'm practically being spilt apart. e feeling my heart gets, it is juz too strong; it's too painful for me to bear...

dunno y...but probably wad i hear or see seems to affect me a lot. i seemed to b swayed by wad happens around me. bcos i can't accept it?...i dunno

is it really true? is wad i hear n see true? i so wanna know. but i am holding back, bcos i'm scared.

urgh...my heart juz hurts a lot...

my heartache juz breaks me apart...

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Actual EL Prelims

Actual EL Prelims



tot i post something tis wk b4 e actual O lvl prelims taz gonna take place nxt monday, juz to empowered myself into e state of mind to do well, n i mean real well, for my EL paper...

well, yups..EL prelim 2 is coming n i'm left w 6 days. it's gonna b tough to improve a lot in such a short time but i'm gonna try to achieve it. it's for real, tis time's EL is a one time thing n it's one darn impt paper b4 e actual O lvl paper...GOTTA GET IT RIGHT!!!

i dun care waz gonna come my way for tis wk. hmewk, tests, wadever u can name...i am not gonna bother...it's time to really pia for EL. wad bio TYS, geog analysis, a math papers, humanz related wk....a math test, development test, map reading test [except tmrw's chem practical tat is...haha]....all of tis, 2 words: 4GET IT! now aint e time to b trying to clear all tis freaking hmewk debt. it's e time to work hard n go all out for e EL paper nxt wk. i dun care waz e teacher is gonna say, i dun care how e teacher is gonna chase after me....i dun care. all i care now, is wad i can score for e paper nxt wk...

nth is gonna deter me from gettin' down to serious, real serious biz. i wan my A, i wan my target to b hit, all tis for Os...n i wan tat 3 months PAE. if i dun get my best shot at nxt wk's paper, there'll nvr b one more. i wan to score, i will score, I MUST SCORE...no matter wad, by hook or crook, dead or alive, i must DO IT...!!![mind u, by crook doesnt mean cheating...dun start to think wildly...haha...]

let's do it...tis is one n only prelim we're gonna hav. 4get every subject for now...e main priority for now is EL, i'm going full blast at it....i'll do wad is necessary, i'll do wadever it takes, no excuses, no other hmewk...only EL...

I MUST GET WHAT I WANT...!!!! THERE IS NO OTHER OPTIONS!!!

Sunday, August 20, 2006

Resurrection

Resurrection of e flamin' phoenix...

...Tears of gratitude

e flamin' phoenix has been resurrected. he is burning w an even stronger n hotter flame tis time...n he's back for GOOD. well at least until e Os end tat is. bcos rite now, e key of fire has reignited his flame once again, giving him a whole new evolved sense of strength n power...

yes...my key of fire has been found, n i'm back. it's me again...e FULL VER. OF E REAL ME...haha. i found my way - e way tat i'm goin to strive for my As in e Os including CL. though i know tat it may not necessarily b a foolproof one, but w my renewed strength n determination, i'm sure i'll do my best...i'm sure i can ACHIEVE...! w constant motivation tat i get from myself n things around me, i'll do it, do it beyond e limitations of anything...

now...how did i ever find tat key? simple. haha. well, then again, not all tat simple actually. for e past few days, i've been struggling to find it. but it juz kinda came to me last nite juz b4 i sank into my slumber. strange, i tot. of all times, it chose to reach me in e middle of e nite...haha. well, wad happened was tat i suddenly started to think n i found e only way tat was able to keep me empowered until i finished my Os. n bcos of tat, i achieved tat breakthru - to return for good n fight on as long as i live...

so in tis entry, besides juz plain elaboration of my "resurrection", tis entry is also dedicated to those who hav helped me along as i fought hard to get my real self back. so instead of "tears of gratitude", it'll actually sound more like "words of gratitude". i put "tears" cos it sounded better...haha

i wan to thank a lot of my frenz...w them, i know therez still care in e world. w/o them, i think my sorrows would hav suffocated me to death...

so to tis list of pple here, thks alot...
maung, kelvin, kai sheng aka KAKA, kian ming

n to tis pple...i really wan to give special thks to...tat had comforted me w their voices, heard me, n even to e extent of scolding sense into me...haha...i cant thk u enuf...
wenyi, ms yeo, n esp. sandy...

thks everyone...i know u'all there beside n behind me. thks for ur support n everything. i'll make it to my dreams...i muz n i wont wanna disappoint u all...(=

e flamin' phoenix rages on...

Friday, August 18, 2006

...for her

...for her

tis entry is for her, n only her. i'm sure u know who tat "her" is...

i hope u'll read it...cos deep in my heart, taz wad i feel bout u...

though recent events tat had happened to u, might hav affected u much, n i dunno wad exactly happened. i know wad it probably was about...well at least, i think i know...

no matter wad, whether if i had misintepreted e situation or hallucinated it....wadever it is, i still wanna get my feelings clear to u tis time...real clear. i juz hope tat u'll read it, taz all...

i know tat u know e fact tat i like u...or u can put it in e way tat i love u...'cos to me, love n like, they mean e same. my feelings r true...i can feel it. i dunno if u can. but i know, i know tat u r always on my mind n e 1st person in my mind when i'm alone, when i'm bored, when i'm sad...n no matter when or wad, u tat 1st person in my mind...

we became closer frenz ever since e incident...n my feelings i developed over e months, juz seem to get stronger. i wan u, but i respect ur decision to remain as wad we r, till after my Os. i trust tat wad u told me is true...tat i hav e chance. but i wont deny u of who u wanna look for within e nxt few months...but everytime i see something else, my heart pricks. i'm scared...i'm scared tat i might lose u...not as a fren but as someone whom i love....

it may sound possessive of me...but i do respect u hav e rights of choosing. u said tat u do had some liking towards me...i saw tat as a hope. but whether ur feelings will last till then, i dunno...

i dunno if we'll ever b together...chances, to me, look very slim now.

i juz wan u to know tat...though lately, i've been poking my nose into ur matters, as much as i dun wan to, i dun wan to intrude into ur privacy. but tat side of me, tat side tat is really longing for ur presence...he juz feels uncomfortable...haiz. i'm sorry, real sorry...i hope u wun blame me...k..?

also, i juz wan u to know tat...no matter wad, i'll always b there for u; i wont disappoint u; i'm concerned n i care for u; i'll hate losing u; i wan u more than juz a close fren; i wan to b e one for u to lean on when u tear; u r practically everything to me...at least, it'll b like tis for e nxt few yrs...

e whole entry might seem exaggerating but everything here i've stated is true towards u...i dun wan to hide my deepest feelings. i really luv u, i wan u...n i dunno waz gonna happen if i do really lose u.........

i hoped u did read to tis line...n to THE END of tis entry too...i hope u still r able to understand my english, hope it's not too complicated...heh...(=

if u wan to, u can post ur comments...juz dun state ur identity. otherwise, e msn will always b there...so u can juz tell me...k...?
...THE END...

n guys, if u do finish reading tis, comments - pls keep to urself or juz tell me on e msnd dun comment here...unless u dun understand my english tat tis entry is dedicated...solely for HER...

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

my key of fire

...my key of fire

e flamin' phoenix is nearly back...he's on it's way...

i'm recovering...finally. after some tots for quite a long while, n also constant support...n also some scolding...i decided i wan to end tis....for gd. but still therez one final thing tat is lacking b4 i'm able to recharge fully again...

i've accept e fact - i wasnt able to perform, i didn get e A1 i wanted. it cant b changed. but i'm juz not satisfied. havin put in so much effort, a mere b4 was pure disappointment. though now, therez nth i can do to change tis...there is e future...

i can constantly motivated myself now...i'm me again, almost tat is. but i'm still missing my key of fire. until i find it i wont b able to recover fully. i need to find a way to make sure i get wad i wan for CL tis time - a foolproof plan tat is. as long as i'm confident tat it's gonna work, i know i'm back. e flamin' phoenix is back...

i dun wan to disappoint all my frenz, including teacherz, around me...supporting me, behind me, bside me, cheering me...i dun wan them to keep on worryin' if i'm fine. i juz wan them to know, no matter wad, i've made my way back....e REAL me has nearly break free of e dead layer of personality tat i've been in for e past few days...

it mayb a lone journey in search of e key, but i know everyone is behind...
so i will definitely find my key of fire to re-ignite me soon enuf...
n may wad come, for everyone n esp. for her, i will...


a lone journey to e ends of e world to find e key of fire...

Sunday, August 13, 2006

Aries - e star of me.

Aries - e star of me. it's so true.
my fren fwded me tis email...n i found it kinda true. everythin' there seems to b me....so much like me....though of cos not all of it.
[P.S.: tis juz a part of e email under me.....therez other zodiac signs too...]

Aries Man
He always let other people walk in front of him, but he will get there first.

He is a very careful guy and small obstacles won't make him fall easily even if he thinks life is a very serious matter.

He is as romantic as any other Zodiac.

He could look gentle, but inside he is as strong as steel. Once he determine to do something, he is serious about doing it well.

He will keep any pressure or insult deep down inside without showing emotion. You will never see his emotion of burden or disappointment and always wonder what he thinks or feels.
He will keep his feelings well.

You will never see a guy in this Zodiac involving in other people business. He is always concern with his own business.

Sometimes he can be talkative, but he will never give anyone advice if he has not been asked. If you ask for advice, he will certainly give you one.

He respects elderly and senior, so you will see he is the type who visit his parents steadily or often.

He is a slightly shy but also a stubborn person.

He will find many ways to make you happy when you are with him, till you realize he is the important person for you.

Once he is in the "Power Position", he will use his power gently.
He is a good leader and "Gentleness" is one of his effective method for exploiting his power.
It is although he is borne to be a leader.

He never hide his ambition, and he is a workaholic.

He will not take any position that he has no control.

He will work very hard to reach his goal and satisfaction.

Compliment from his boss or superior are never enough for him, he want his deserved reward.

His deep insecurity make him reach and collecting valuable things, and this you may think he is stingy.

Actually he could easily spending money to buy things, traveling or pay for things that makes him happy and he think necessary for his need.

He care what other people think of him and want to get good comments or compliments.

Outside he looks like stone and steel, but inside he is a fragile person.

He will hide and cover up weak emotion and his sadness in order to maintain and keep up his "Image". One method of cover up you could easily notice is suddenly if he is quiet, cold, or act
very strong or very secure.

Often, he feels insecure, even he is serious about his life and his own surrounding.

This is the man who never hurry to get marry, so hardly sit back and regret about his marriage later. If he gets marry, he need to be very certain and very sure. It will take a long time for such decision, so if you tell him that you are "breaking up" , you better forget him for good because he will never coming back.

He always keep his promise. If he said he will meet you in your place in 2 hours then he will be there, unless there is a serious accident or unavoidable things happen.

He hate people who is late for date or any appointment.

He like to think woman should be a follower and take care of family and working is a man's duty.
He does not like to compete with his girlfriend or his wife at work because competition already exist with himself and other people.

He will be very proud if he can afford and care for his family. Do not try to over power him or insult him, he can not stand it.

He likes to be in control of everything, every situations.

He like a "Classy Woman" , if she also comes from a good family then it is a Plus. It will make him feel proud and very ego about her status. Flashy type of woman , forget it.

He like a perfect or a nearly perfect housewife.

He tend to be possessive.

He will not tell you if he is mad at you, but will act very moody to show you instead.

He like to hear sweet word and compliment so you can get his interest that way. If he approaches you to ask you out, do not act too stubborn or fooling around too much.
he will get tired and just disappear.

He has to feel confident when he is around you, so knowing this fact you should know what to do, right!

If you want him, you have to make him feel like he is the most important person for you.

He likes a kind hearted woman , polite and can get along with his family.

When he feels sad, do not leave him alone, but be very supportive. Kind words and your smile will win him over, so this strong man will be like a chicken in your palm.

Saturday, August 12, 2006

questions...many of them...

questions...many of them...
tis world is dead...let me end too...
it's past 1 day now. i've been thinking a lot within e past 24hrs. everything juz seems so tiring. i dunno how long can i hold out. haven been myself since e whole event happened. i'm so lost.

a lot of tots passed thru my mind...qns esp. each time i recollect wad happen tat moment. e emotions. e tots. e pain n anguish. tears juz cant hold but start collecting in eyes. tis pain n anguish, e exact same feeling i had felt last yr at e national shooting prelims, only tat it's stronger tis time...so strong. sadness overwhelmes me...

qns go on 4ever tis few days...
i'm thinking...shld i really continue?...cant i juz give up?...having come all tis way, it's sad n painful but w wad happen...how long can i really hold? I dun wan it to tis way. i wasnt expecting it to end tis way. WHY???..........*sobz*...can anyone hear my call...? i really cant take it anymore...i've cant recognise my ownself anymore...wad hav i become?...

it's gonna b hard to recover from tis. how long will i take...? e last phase of tis journey seems too steep too straight up...juz like a vertical wall. wad if i dun recover...? my heart is having a real hard time piecing itself back 2gether...so hard tat i dunno if it will ever b pieced back.

everything juz look dead now. every human tat passes me..they look like zombies, or if mayb if i am e zombie, not knowing if i'm dead or alive. nth seems alive in me anymore. living in a mist of confusion, i cant walk forward. i cant see waz in front...

i'm STILL lost...
i need someone...someone i can lean on so i can cry...

let's end tis...so silent n cold, let myself end...cant i...?

Friday, August 11, 2006

MT O results

MT O results

well...wad can i say...? all i know at tis moment is: it's gone. it's over. nth seem rite anymore. it's like everything juz blew e moment my teachz announced my result....B...4. putting on a brave front i was there when i was 'bout to get it....but nvr did i expect, things got out of hand. tears werent easy to hold back. for a moment there, i tot i could accept it. thinking if i couldnt get an A, then b it, i'll juz hav to face it n retake it. & if i got an A, then i shld thank my teachz, tis was where i think i would cry... but it was e other way round.

i didn even think tat i could not accept it. waz wrong w me? haiz. where am i? my surroundings went slient as i walked away from my teachz. tears were hestitating for a moment there. e only 1st tot tat came to my mind was her. my heart practically shattered. every fren tat saw me, consoled me by patting on my shoulder. but i couldnt resist...each pat was like hitting out e tears in my eyes... i felt great having them...but it was too much for my tears. it was hard to hold back...i wanted to cry....real hard. but to hug someone n cry?...i really wanted to... still tat strong front, i put on...pretending everything was fine.

it wasnt fine.

i hav plans about waz gonna b for e nxt 3 months....but tis event aint getting over me. it juz cant get out. saddening. tearful evening it is. still having chem prelim 1 tmrw...but wad am i do in tis state...cant think properly...cant even concentrate...i wonder....wonder waz gonna happen nxt..

e yr hasnt been a good one...for as much as i know till now.

tears juz keep goin' on n off....

...e phoenix's tears extinguishes its own flame...