scream

scream.

The day your door is closed
The echoes fill your soul
It won't say which way to go
Just trust your heart

To find what you're here for
Open another door
But I'm not sure anymore
It's just so hard

i was stuck on a major dilemma ytd nite. one that i had to make a decision fast. yet i wanted it to be a good one that i wouldn't regret making. but that was juz a role. although it's not any less important, it's definitely not as major as decisions in my life.

i'm stuck on a lost highway now. one that meanders endlessly. one that nvr seems to stop trudging upwards. one that seems to have only one lost soul walking along it. this highway looks so dark and creepy. even i'm getting scared myself. it makes me feel so hopeless.

it's a rough road that keeps continuing. i tried running. i tried walking. i tried crawling. but i dn know where it will end. and whn i hit the crossroads, taz where i knew i stopped. there were only 2 paths. bcos those are the only 2 things in mind ever since recently. i dno which way to go. so i took the center path. a path that was not paved with concrete and granite but filled with sand, rocks, marshes, etc.

now i'm moving along that path. but i'm lost. i'm confused. my head is spinning. my heart is calling out to someone. my mind is wandering. and nth is working out. i'm juz not sure anymore if i shld keep walking on. i hear voices frm beyond and frm within me.

echoes surround me as the inside of me screams out. i dno who to listen to. and i wna listen to my own heart talking. but even my heart cant tell wad i shld do...

who am i? wad do i wan? where shld i go? why cant i find a way out?

i dno. i dno. i dno. i dnoooo!

i gotta fight tis! there's gotta be a way. i dno waz the right thing. i dno where i shld go.
but i know i can do it! i gotta find that pit stop.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
YES I CAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I don't know where to go
What's the right team?
I want my own thing
So bad I'm gonna scream!

I can't choose
So confused
What's it all mean?
I want my own dream
So bad I'm gonna scream!

trigger the courage

trigger the courage

juz came back frm cck. frm today's prone mthly shoot. my 3rd one. and there's only two words to describe it: totally screwed.

tis time it was worse but it was better as well. well, you must be thinking doesnt that sound contradicting? well yea, it does. but it was worse than even the first prone mthly shoot i shot bcos i fell short of time again. this time i had 3 shots less. (and how much is that? 30 points. 30 POINTS LEH!!!)

the good thing is that my series scores are climbing. which is good. but the not-so-good thing is that it's not all that consistent yet. my 2nd series dipped below 90.

but coming bac to the actual question. why cant i finish another competition yet again? it's the 2nd time tis year for me to be termed DNF again....although not on the score sheet but deemed DNF by myself. and it's twice within 2 mths! this is crap.

it's my aiming time. my courage and my trigger. i realised i hav been lacking a lot of confidence and courage for a long while. few years in fact. it's not helping. it's hindering me. i gotta work on my trigger for both air and prone. courage and confidence are also two other things to build up, not only for air & prone, but also something else.

looks like one of my goals is struck off alrdy. and i really need more trainings for prone. consistent training. if it's not the financial part taz preventing me frm training more, i would've did so long ago. it's tough trying to keep up with my spending (or rather investment) in prone and at the same time, earn or save enough to recoup my savings back to a safe level of figures. i've minus-ed off so many of my spendings on all other things - clothes, fashion, unnecessary stuff, etc. i've haven spend anything on these for a long time alrdy. i wna get a new pair of shoes but i cant. i wna get a new pair of jeans but i cant either. there's so many things i cant buy now.

i wonder how long i can last in live firing if tis keeps up. getting into NTT isnt something taz gna happen tis year and definitely cutting dwn trainings in the nxt 3 mths is not gna help get me anywhere nearer NTT.

i really hav to find back that courage in me and be bold to fire. i hesitate too much. mayb taz why i'm losing so many things ard me now, which i really dn want that happening for real.

transport is another major problem at cck. oh man. darn that stupid driving licence. grrr.

(something inside of me tells me i shld leave everything behind for now and come back a few years later. shld i? i hav no idea. maybe it lacks courage again to execute.)

underneath

underneath

well. it's been a while since i last blogged. tis post has been long overdue. haven had much time to blog lately i muz say. hav been too tired to last thru the nite.

the title speaks for itself. but in that word. it speaks a lot. and i'm not gna say wad are the things underlying the word either.

it's hard for me lately. i've been living every day with a lot of feelings underneath. and it's definitely not anything on the positive side, esp. for my heart. it's never ending.

i'm confused. my world is twirling round and round. and i cant decide wad i shld do. my heart knows but i'm afraid i'll take the wrong step, again.

i've been hiding a lot of myself under my shell. maybe i masked all these feelings well. maybe i did not. i dno. only she knows. only can she see it or hopefully feel it. and if you happened to be reading this, i juz wan u to know, i'm fine and my feelings for u remains the same.

apart frm the negativity, at least there was gratefulness within. grateful that we're still frens. grateful that we still talk. grateful for wadever she has done.

it's a short entry. bcos words cant describe waz lying underneath. it's beyond words...

I can be your hero, baby.
I can kiss away the pain.
I will stand by you forever.
You can take my breath away.

Hero

Hero

Let me be your hero

Would you dance,
If I asked you to dance?
Would you run,
And never look back?
Would you cry,
If you saw me crying?
And would you save my soul, tonight?

Would you tremble,
If I touched your lips?
Would you laugh?
Oh please tell me this.
Now would you die,
For the one you love?
Hold me in your arms, tonight.

I can be your hero, baby.
I can kiss away the pain.
I will stand by you forever.
You can take my breath away.

Would you swear,
That you'll always be mine?
Or would you lie?
Would you run and hide?
Am I in too deep?
Have I lost my mind?
I dont care...
You're here, tonight.

I can be your hero, baby.
I can kiss away the pain.
I will stand by you forever.
You can take my breath away.

Oh, I just wanna to hold you.
I just wanna to hold you.
Oh yeah.
Am I in too deep?
Have I lost my mind?
Well I dont care...
You're here, tonight.

I can be your hero, baby.
I can kiss away the pain.
I will stand by you forever.
You can take my breath away.

I can be your hero.
I can kiss away the pain.
And I will stand by you, forever.
You can take my breath away.
You can take my breath away.

I can be your hero.

thoughts & memories

thoughts & memories

i know i'm not supposed to be thinking so much. but i juz cant stop it. it's bcome a little innate. but there's always two sides to everything. and twds thinking deep, it's good and bad. good whn applied on somethings that i analyse, question why and come up with an answer or a realisation. bad in the sense of r/s, whn some things happen in a way, and i question why too deeply into it.

and as i'm sure it's quite obvious. i've been thinking a lot, yet again.

so waz the first on my mind? well. i was thinking if i shld keep typing all these entries like that. expressing all my feelings abt the r/s, abt my hurt, abt my love, abt everything else i feel, knowing in mind that she'll prolly read it. i thot abt it for a moment. and a while later, i came back to this thot again. trying to find an answer. i felt....i shld continue. there hasnt been much of a chance for me to talk to her and she's been busy with work and like almost everyone else, she's tired. i know and i feel that she'll read wad i post. mayb not everyday. but she'll drop by now and thn. so i feel tis is at least one way i can speak out and talk to her. although it does only goes one way.

thn i thot abt her and think abt her. judging frm wad she has now. so many responsibilities. a committee to handle. her work in the holidays which tires her out so much. her family. her training. there's so many. i feel very much regretful now, that i pushed her so much during that period and placed pressure on her. i feel so selfish. sorry again. cos i dno wad to say. i only know that i'm starting to put myself in her shoes, considering a lot more of how she feels. and like wad i've said b4, i dn wna place more pressure alrdy. now. i juz wna be there for her. be by her side as long as she needs me. i juz wna share her burdens and alleviate her stress. even after the sch semester has started.

thn there was tis bothering thot which somehow still stubbornly persisted in bothering me. whn she mentioned she wasnt able to make it for training ytd and said she didn know how to explain. i looked at the msg. and for a few mins there, i was at a lost as to how i shld reply. i made a casual reply. and for almost the nxt 2 hrs, while working without much of a focus, my mind juz cant throw the thot of that msg out. my mind juz had to keep going thru the msg again and again. so much so that i actually took a few more looks at the msg, read it again and again. by the end of that 2 hrs, i looked at the msg and replied with something else. and the reply i got back frm her, well, i wun deny it did appease my worry for a moment there. but after a while, it started to bother me again. wad really was the reason. i cant help but remained worried. even till now.

and there was also tis rather tricky thot. dreams, passion and her. which one shld i choose? it's pretty hard to choose between shooting and her. it's shooting that brought me and her together. and i dn wna change that. i cant give up shooting. i cant give her up either. i haven found the answer to tis thot yet. but i definitely know. none will be given up on.

one last tot. (but it's not the end of tis entry either.) every time i took a look at her personal msg that she displays on msn. it's always the same one. but with each time i read it, i realise i understand the msg better than the prev time. and now, i think i actually do understand the sense that it's getting at. Knowing how to let go, only then can you gain something. well at least taz the translation for it. and i agree to it. fully. [to other readers: if u dn get it, it's ok. u can take ur time to think abt it. if u arent bothered by it, thn leave it as it is. it's something between both of us anyway.]

and there's memories....

i've been reading our chat logs of july and aug these few days. i realised how much we actually chat. and i really loved it. i read the chats and smile, laugh, and it feels sweet. i enjoyed reading them. and i'm not abt to make that a part of my memory. not any time soon, esp. in the nxt few years.

it's been really memorable to hav been chatting over msn and skype like that. i miss those times. it's so nice. and i would definitely love to revive those chats again. even as frens.

well as they always say, actions speak louder than words. i think it's abt time to let my actions do the talking rather than having me blogging lengthy entries over it.

i juz know inside of me. i'm not gna let tis bcome juz a part of my memory. instead, i'll make it last. last long and memorably. =)

well. that abt concludes my entry. and yes. i know it's really long. readers, pls dn complain. u can choose not to read it. although tis is the last line, so it's kinda a little too late for that since u've read up to tis line. hahahahaha.

P.S. To you: sry if it made ur eyes suffer, i know it's really that long. and i've been using Third person pronouns, i.e. "She", "her", instead of Second person pronouns, i.e. "you". it's my feelings speaking. it's juz saying how i feel.

missing pieces

missing pieces

tis is prolly gna be a really short entry. or at least i hope it'll be. basically cos i dn really hav time to type so long entries lately. hav a lot of work at hand to finish up.

it's been about another week. and i know i've kinda returned to myself alrdy. but it's not full. i can feel that i am who i was/am, but there's juz tis empty feeling inside of me. it's like there's missing pieces of the puzzle that cant be found. and it gets a little demotivating to continuously try to find it but to no avail.

i feel the pain and all. i know i miss you. and i know i juz feel incomplete without you. your neglect hurts me and i cant do anything about it. all my actions now are prolly small and insignificant. and i juz hope fate turns things around soon.

i can only continue to wait. continue to show my care, efforts and thoughts. continue with my life. till one day, whn u return and give me the missing pieces to complete tis puzzle.

but till thn, my love remains the same...

spirit of the phoenix

spirit of the phoenix

i dno how to start tis entry. i juz know that i had not made the wrong choice in making the phoenix a part of my way of life years back. that is the way a phoenix lives and behaves.

i didn really know much why i actually chose it in the start. i only knew that it has one great characteristic: it burns and dies. but it still lives and reborn from its ashes. that one character inspired me a long way, even till today. falling, failing or dying(although not literally dying) frm some obstacle doesnt stop u frm standing back up again and fight on. yes. we fall and we fail. but it's how we pick ourselves up frm the ashes and flame on once again to face against even stronger and tougher obstacles. taz wad i believe and taz why i love the phoenix. and i love myself [and not forgetting u of cos.=)]

to say that i've fully recovered frm the heartache is definitely lying to myself and you. in fact, i dn even know whn it'll recover. i'll still continue to live with that pain in my heart but that is not gna stop me from doing a whole lot of other things. and i know for sure, u wun wan me to go on wasting my life day by day. i've been thinking a lot, too much in fact. a lot from wad u said to me, and every other bit frm wad others said to me. and i feel to be myself again is wad i shld get back to. for at least i know taz the person u like.

i wun deny that i turned out thinking in a immature manner ever since i stepped on board trying for tis r/s. it made me another person. but tis has gotta changed. and it will.

i'm taking a step back to redefine the phoenix again. with a little more modifications to wad i am, wad i wna be, and wad i wna do. afterall, it's not who i am underneath, it's what i do that defines me. the way i look at it, the effort to be taken is definitely gna be painstaking. but i feel it's gna be all worth while.

the phoenix nvr dies. the flames may extinguish. but only for moments. and it relives again. each time burning with an even stronger flame which cant wait to burn bright and hot to overcome the obstacles which stand in its way.

for all i know, i'll still live strong and HOT. nth's gna kill me cos it cant. not even...ehhm...the worst case scenarios, be it physical or mental. death is physical. the spirit is what lives in me. forever. and taz wad keeps me going. for myself, my dreams and for you.

taz the soul of the phoenix.

now. on a random note.
training was bad today. AR training that is. somehow i juz couldnt get the right feeling and my glove juz cant stop slipping. darn. i need to train more. and prone is another challenge. argh. i need trainings! but i need to work! taz gotta be a solution right? hmmmmz.....

some things nvr change

some things nvr change.

it has been a while since the last time my blog entries were typed based on such a theme.

i guess it nvr changes. and cant really be changed. i set a resolution to changed the overall theme of my blog entries at the start of the year. but little did i expect, i've returned to where i left off b4 i started the year.

i tot it started out pretty well. i tot i was able to throw away those topics in my blog. but it still made its way back.

it's really strange how it can really change one person.

now my blog is still gna be filled with emotions of passions and my perception of the world. but there's a re-addition of a theme on top of these two - matters of the heart.

and as much as such matters are concerned, it has been almost a week. i'm still at much of a lost as to what to do. (i know u'll be reading this. but no matter what, i think you have every right to know how i feel.)

i fully respected ur decision and after much tots, it's juz like wad u said: it takes two hands to clap. i regret putting that pressure on you. i regret for not realising a lot of things much sooner. i regret hurting you. i wna make amendments for wad i've done wrong, i wna make improvements to wad i could hav done better.

i wna show my affection and stop hiding my feelings. i cherish tis r/s and will continue to cherish, treasure and protect it, regardless whether we're normal frens, close frens or really together.

i will wait for as long as i live, seriously. i'll not regret making decisions to wait for the person i love and i nvr will. and dn ever erase this in ur mind : i'll be always be here/there whn u need me and even wan me. i'm juz a call away.

i may not be superman yet. i may not hav super hearing to hear ur call for help. i may not hav super speed to speed down like a speeding bullet to reach your side in secs. i may not hav invulnerability to protect you frm everything else that might harm you. i may not be able to fly to ur rescue. but in the likes of superman, i still love a girl and will go all out to protect everyone, esp this girl, even if the consequences may be dire.

i'll wait and wait and wait. hopefully, from time to time, you'll drop by my fortress of solitude to see me. but i wun juz stand by in my fortress waiting for your arrival. i'll do more than juz that.
u are my main source of motivation now which triggers me to fight for my dreams and to persevere on in the face of obstacles.

all bcos u mean too much to me...

sanity

sanity.

for u who reads. i know it all sounds one sided in the prev entry. but i really wasnt myself tis morning. i was alrdy at the edge of insanity. and it really was hard for me to pull myself away frm the edge for the first time.

some things may not be true. and some things although it sounds hurtful, i did really wished for that at the point of time i typed.

but now that i've pull myself away frm the edge, i understand and feel how u feel. yet again. i cant stop apologising for wadever i was in the wrong, esp. wadever i've said and did.

truely & sincerely apologetic.

i wun wna disappoint myself and even more so, u. so let's work hard together, live our dreams, breakthrough our goals!

it means a lot to me to know that you are there for me, esp whn i need u. thank you. =)

unmask the reality

unmask the reality.

i figure i gotta type tis no matter wad. i'm kinda starting to lose my sanity. and i dno wad the hell i would really do. i juz hope i'll still live on. (damn. wad am i saying. i gotta live on, no matter wad.)

it's pretty serious i would think.

a lot has happened the past 2 days since sunday. everything juz went wrong after exams. and i really dn like it. i was hoping to very well take time to enjoy my holidays not alone but with her.

but i knew and i could sense something was totally amiss. everything wasnt right at all. and instincts were true enuf. i'm really at a lost wad to do now. everything juz screwed up. i really wna talk to her now. i'm really wna say sry.

i cannot stand the pain in my heart. it's tearing me really apart. sometimes it beats so fast and hard, i'm scared that i cant even stop it. there's literally no way to numb my heart now. i cant slp. playing games wun help. lost interest in driving, nike+, so many things. i feel so weak all of a sudden. tearing ytd nite didn help much either. i'm feeling the same. in fact, it's worse i think. i cant release tis anguish and i cant numb the ache. it's killing me. if tis goes on, i'll be suffering thru out my holidays and in the end, i doubt i might even work. someone help me.

the pierce into my heart was worse than b4. tis time it felt more like my heart is being minced up. argh!!!!

i've lost one which i knowingly kept lying to myself to hold on. but now with her, i dn wan to let her slip away again. i dn wan another person i love walking out of my life juz right this forever. it's worse than b4. she treats me almost like total strangers now. and it's really ripping me apart. (i know i'm using the same words, but i cant help it. that indescribable tormented feeling and twisted heart inside of me is unbearable.)

juz whn i tot i could really make something good out of tis r/s. tis juz had to happened. i know now it's my fault. but i dn wna lose her. i dn wna cry for another one whole week or even worse.

maybe i'm juz meant to be alone. losing someone i love. no other fear can compare to tis fear. tis fear that could very well kill me. and to numb that fear, it took me so long juz to detach myself away frm the world. i cant bear tis. maybe i shldnt hav entered into tis r/s at all, i shld hav juz stay stuck in my fortress of solitude. now all tis insanity is getting on my nerves.

i wan to salvage tis. i dn wna lose it. and all the more i dn wna let go!

i dn care wad others think anymore. i'm going all out. i cannot lose you...
i really dno waz gna happen to me tis time if i lose another love one. i dn wna know either.
i cant find the motivation like b4 to fight. i'm really tired. i tried so hard. so hard to hope that tis r/s works out. i dn wna lose it all.

tis is the week which i really need the most support. and i tot i could get it from her. but i was all wrong. i lost it all instead.

normal frens? *insane laughters*....it's not normal to me. i rather u take a gun and shoot me. you are literally ignoring me alrdy. is that still frens?

all tis talk abt being superman. it nvr seems the man of steel can fight tis things and even more the sour feeling that comes out of the heart.

i cant afford to lose you.
dn leave me. pls.
i will.....................

wasting time

wasting time.

fuck. i juz typed something fucking long. and with a few clicks. it all disappeared. this is shit.
nvm. i shall PATIENTLY typed it out again. ARGH!!! but it'd prolly turn out shorter tis time

(great. i forgot how i started. hmmmm.)

here i am sitting in a lecture now. a lecture that i have not been attending. it's marketing lecture. but i dno whether i shld even b sitting here at all.

i haven been pretty much in the mood to study since the sch reopen last wk. or rather it stretches back all the way to the start of this semester. i totally couldnt be bothered last week. i was juz coming to sch for the sake of coming. even the slightest energy to listen wasnt present.

actually i dno wad i've been really doing in school. it feels as if i'm wasting time. seriously. wad hav i learn for the past almost-3 mths. i hardly hav an idea of an answer to that question.

there's so many things to focus on. and i hav been neglecting my sch assignments. the impending deadlines for these assignments are on its way, and i can even say that some assignments hasnt even been started. there's club matters, there's assignments, there's driving and there's training also.

so many things to settle and focus. so much so that even i got stressed up and upsetted my stomach. i couldnt even enjoy my meals lately esp. last week. and it still seems to be continuing tis week.

thn again, it comes back to the ideal of why i attend to school. and that is to learn. not for the sake of doing assignments, finish them and submit it for marks. that is juz crap if i were do to that.

reflecting back from the start of tis sem, however, i seriously hasnt made much of an effort to learn or study. common test preparations reflects that very well. it's been club club club club club club club club club club club club and club.......

it's not that i'm blaming the club or anything. but rather i find that i've been overly focus on club matters that i've neglected many things at hand as well.

i've been putting priority on club matters over studies. but at this point in time, i think it's time to switch. but it's hardly possible. i would prolly hav to distribute my priorities between tis two matters rather place priority over one.

i feel multi-tasking is so not good at all or mayb it juz aint a part of me. it's like i cant put in my all into something or a specfic area of research. it leaves me doing jobs of either average quality or even poor. the effort isnt there. and it gets worse if the tasks stacks up higher and higher. i cant stand feeling like this, esp whn i know i could hav done things much better. sometimes, i really wished i could juz focus on one thing for a few years and make it good. but with so many impt tasks, i guess it's inevitable and it's definitely not easy.

my trainings hav been affected as well. disappointing and saddening. (and i still hav prone as well). i'm not sure i'll hit my targets or fall short of my expectations tis year. i juz hope i hit them, seriously.

the hell weeks of deadlines are within the nxt 3 wks. exams are in 6 wks time. driving test is exactly in 8 wks time. and trainings? oh god. i so do not know wad will happen to it.

learning? i doubt i hav been doing that. but it's abt time i start to do so.

but i've gain one thing frm the past 3 mths:
giving urself challenges is good. too many is not gna help even if u can accomplish them. tis sem proved to have had too many goals set. but looking at tis challenges in a big pic, i think i've pushed myself pretty much to actually see how well and many i could handle in one semester.

my hunger strikes

my hunger strikes.

7th NUSIS. 2008. 4th & final day.

physical & mental exhaustion. lack of slp.

550. last series 86.

i feel pretty lucky that i was still able to touch the 550 mark. all thanks to a great load of mental prep. although i feel pretty much emotionless to how i shot, there's still a tinge of disappointment. i'm contradicting myself. mayb it's mixed feelings again. juz prolly that tis mixture turned out to react and become clear instead.

i confess that i haven really put much time and effort into training. not being able to perform was pretty much expected. my original target was a 560. but well. i fall short of 10 pts. wad can i really say? overcommitment is bad. but undercommiting is even worse.

i dn wna start finding excuses for myself that i cannot train. i wna start training, seriously and intensively. time is a major factor. i know. my studies are taking up a lot of my time, esp projects. being in the management committee for my club is another heavy challenge. adding on to the lists? my driving lessons. all tis are prolly the only main reasons that are preventing me from training enough. the big 3. all other challenges i've set for myself tis academic semester, i can prolly treat those as excuses.

i feel really tired now.
throughout the whole competition, i was doing deep breathing exercises to calm myself down. the adrenal rush still stays in me. i need to clear it or at least minimise it, to curb my anxiety. my processes weren't really well done today. and consistency on the inside was definitely something i could hardly even achieve. feelings were constantly on the change. the deep breathing took so much of my time, that i failed to manage my time well. resulting in my last 2 series to be pretty much screwed. (esp. MY LAST SERIES!)

i really need to train. i really wan to train. i must and i will. i had enough of all tis bullshit. i need do more trainings for air rifle, including even more competition trainings. and i gna have to brush up my prone a lot too, if i ever wan to turn that investment at cck to my advantage.

i can feel that will and ability to do well. but to unleash that strength, i hav to harness it well. i firmly believe i can do better than even a 572 - a PB since 4th NUSIS, 2005. i can feel it. i can feel myself unappeased once again. the strong unsatisfaction and that hunger which is begging to devour larger appetites. i'm not happy. definitely not.

i cant stand facing the same kind of standards for...so many mths alrdy. enough is enough. it's time to get serious. it's abt time i stop fooling ard and high time that i start serious competitive training. the physical environment shall not be something i wan to live in anymore. it's the mental environment. i will fight my way back and i will stop at nth to return and go beyond where i once was.

juz wait and see. i'll make sure that happens.

sick leave

sick leave.

great. now i'm freaking down with a stupid infected throat.

well guess things are gna slow down for a while till i recover. and the worst thing is: my Common Tests are going on at this period!!! argh...

this really sucks. the right thing doesnt pop out at the time whn it's supposed to. the wrong thing ALWAYS pops out at the most inappropriate time. i guess i'm not really enjoying this year at all. fyi, tis is the second time the WRONG thing has popped out.

awww man. i hate it whn tis happens...

a thought too much?

a thought too much?

this thought came into my mind whn i was on my way home after a project meetup yesterday.

i wonder. am i really thinking too much most of the time? have i thought of things too much, into such an exaggerating or extreme extent?

i thought abt my frens' attitudes. i tot abt how they think, how they speak & how they behave. wad happened that struck tis thought in me was bcos of wad the meetup was for - the topic of the meetup, to be more specific. we were doing a long report for our module assignment. and for that to be done, we needed surveys which we hav alrdy conducted. so we collated the results ytd. but the key thing is, waz the topic.

it was abt the CCA Point System.

that may be the topic. but tis topic is juz one of the many tributaries of the main one - the values and the way of life.

we were on the topic of cca pts. so...now wad did he say. i dn really remb. but in summary, his stand was why join a cca whn there are no cca points, why work whn there's no money/salary. he finds there's no motivation in doing things with no returns. and tis was where i started my rebuttal.

the end of wad happened.
the beginning of how wild my mind tried to search for an answer.

so. like i said, am i really thinking too much?

so i imagined myself, putting myself in a situation where i juz lived like almost everyone else. thinking the same, no money no work. no points no motivation. no talk. thn i started looking ard. the pple who board the bus. the pple who were standing at bus stop and on the outside. i looked at their faces. looked at some of their haggard expressions. looked at some of their seemingly cant-be-bothered expressions. faces without visions. eyes without foresight. it might be a case of fatigue. but it cant possibly be that one whole bunch of them.

and i asked myself again. do i wan to be like them?
my heart. my body. my mind. counting down to every single nerve and muscles in my body. none of it accepted that way of living. i hate it. "we" hated it.

i couldnt stand it. i couldnt stand that thought of just being a normal lifeless person living in a society that is heading for doom.

i wanted be more than juz like everyone else. i wanted to be special. i wanted to be unique. i wanted help the world. i mayb thinking too much but it comes back to the same point again. prolly pple dn see that doom has alrdy creeped up on us. our minds are being preset wrongly. our actions has caused the nature to kill. and in the end. we cause our own deaths.

at that point. anguish filled my heart once again. that strong and unsatisfied feeling. all the "do not wants" juz kept coming from my mind:
i dn wan to stay like this.
i dn wan to be juz a normal person.
i dn wan to stand by doing nth.
i dn wan to see efforts of our human race go to a waste. if we are wiped off tis planet, wad is to become of our inventions and effort we made and put in for centuries?
i dn wan to see everyone else killing themselves.
i dn wan to live to regret all of this, bcos i nvr did anything to help.
i dn wan to see tis world i live in, juz die like that whn i could hav do something abt it.
i dn wan to stop fighting to help this world. nvr.

yes. u can say i think too much. but i cant b bothered with such comments. i wna protect this world. i wna save tis world. it looks, sounds, feels stupid...wadever it is.

it'll come one day. the doom. it might be even sooner than expected. but at least i wun regret having put in effort to help and change pple. change how they think. teach them how. instil the right values in them. build the right characters and attitudes. and the most impt part of it, it's the future generations that i'm aiming at.

i know there are a vast amt of pple out there who doesnt do things for mere materialistic gains/returns. and they are the exact pple that will bring abt the revolution.

i cant save the world alone. but i'll fight on to salvage wadever that can be saved.

i dn wna be like anyone else. and i'll nvr be!
tis will be where it all begins...

unrecognised

unrecognised.

feelings of fear, frustration, anger.

it all sounds murderous. and taz precisely wad i'm frightened of at tis very moment. i've changed. so much. sometimes i dn even consciously realise it myself. i dno wad i'm becoming. it seems to have gotten worse since the last time. much much worse.

that rash, impulsive anger. unhesitative thinking. it leads me further and further to someone i've totally nvr met b4. someone i fear so much that if he takes over me, i dno wad i can do. and there's no stopping to wad i can do. esp with my crazy beliefs.

it seems so scary sometimes. but wad really made tis unrecognisable nitemare? is it bcos of all the tolerance. is it bcos of all the built-up anger. or is it bcos tis environment juz cant stop getting worse, that i had enuf of it.

i'm losing words to say. i dno waz to become of me as time goes on. that fear may very well destroy me. all i've worked for, things that i called passion & interests, it might juz wipe off my mind if ever a day i surrender to that nitemare. and i would prolly vanished frm the face of tis earth. forever.

tell me, superman, wad would u hav done if tis was happening to you.

light cars are not my type.

light cars are not my type.

alrighty. finally an entry in a long long time. tis post is gna be short. i'm tired alrdy.

today's my 1st practical driving lesson. and as you can read frm the title. you shld b able to more or less think why such a title.

anyway. lesson was pretty much interesting. basically cos i'm finally able to drive a real car? not like go-karts or anything. BUT a real one. yea taz prolly the only excitement i derived today. well other than that, hmmm, i guess it's the hungry-to-learn kind of feeling all over again. seriously it's pretty interesting to actually make yourself improve and get better every practice session.

but oh well, i was pretty blur today. or prolly i acted blur. oh wadever it is. the engine stalled like so many times today. so many i lost count. and the instructor told me tis told me that. and whn he asked me tis and that, hahaha, i wasnt sure how to answer him either. lol.

one example:
instructor: so. wad do u feel happens to the car at the biting point whn the gear is in gear 1 and reverse gear.
me: one moves forward. the other moves backward.
instructor: u sure? feel again.
instructor: ok. nvm. look at tis. (the standard car logo on the window glass) feel the biting pt again. wad happens to the vehicle.
me: oh! the car goes up at reverse. thn the car goes dwn whn at gear 1.

LOL. i think i've made myself sound so stupid and blur to the instructor.

anyway. i think honda sucks. or mayb all the learning car sucks. everything is so darn light. stepping on the accelerator is as gd as not stepping. brake pedal pressure is so light until indescribable. steering is the worst! the grip is so thin. the steering resistance is so light.

compared to my dad's car. it's such a big diff. i seriously dn like light cars. it's so light. no fun in driving. cant feel anything.

my car shld b juz like my gun trigger. heavy and crisp. best! somehow, i prefer heavier resistance. hahahha. it juz feels better.

that GREAT show

that GREAT show.

tis is gna be yet another controversial post.
but i guess it's inevitable.
too many observations. too many thoughts.
indescribable.

two things. two words. mercenary. &. selfish.

some pple are juz getting so mercenary tis days. but i guess it cant be blame with today's society. everyone is so fucking practical, so dictated by money. and wad are sacrificed are all the values they cultivate.

but at the sake of stripping wadever and however u behave twds urself and other pple. is it even worth it? take tis scenario for example. tis pple are ur instructors, ur teachers, ur motivators, ur frens. they helped u, they taught u, they hav a heart to benefit u in mind. yet sometimes, bcos of a puny sum of money that needs to be paid to show some gratitude twds them, u dn give in. and i'm not saying it's even a regular thing. it mayb a every few mths thing, every year thing, every few years thing?

smtimes a small gesture goes a long way that u dn even know. but to put money over values, thn i think whoever it is, is such a bastard. whether or not the thing is a necessity, it doesnt matter. unless, that thing is something u really cant afford given ur current financial status. put urself in the shoes of those pple who teach u, would they even mind if it's a necessity to see how much u pay them, so that will determine how much they'll teach u? NO. but there are yes-es as well, and tis pple, they arent fit to be teaching u at all. THEY, are another bunch of money sucking bastards.

selfish assholes. incorrigible rudeness. wad are bcoming of singaporeans? monsters?

tis is wad i observed frm the "morning rush" frm my past 2 wks of work. i take 969 to tampines frm yishun. but every morning, WITHOUT FAIL, that'll b tis bloody grp of assholes crowding together. and whichever bus that they are aiming to take, they'll juz crowd there, preventing any others frm getting in front of them. it's like a barrier. there's a few buses: 858, 969, 965(not a lot of pple rush for tis bus though)

and let's say. tis grp of pple wans to take 969. the bus 969, however, does not reach the bus stop. it stops at the back of another bus. tis bloody pple will juz rush their way twds the bus. they'll push thru w/o hesitation. and that is fucking rude, selfish, & PATHETIC.

so let's analyse, why do they resort to tis kind of behaviour? seats on the bus, is one. wanting to get on the bus so that they wun b late is another. (prolly afraid that the bus is crowded?) wad else is there? i dno man.

but the tolerance to tis kind of attitude has a limit. and such attitude is totally atrocious. dn u think? another scenario would be sg drivers on the roads, regardless of whichever country they drive in. how many drivers these days are those really courteous ones? such a majority are a bunch of selfish bastards, who scold & swear whn some other drivers screws up in front of them.

and my guess is we're in for a big GREAT show, in 2010. esp, if things doesnt improve, singapore's reputation is gna go dwn. and i'm sure those UP-THERE are gna be so damn freaking concerned abt their faces and the nation's one. and wadever i've said arent the worst things YET.

the 'broken' leg

the "broken" leg.

3rd day of IT & e-Learning Fair at Funan DigitaLife Mall.

the craziest, strangest, unexpected, "disabling" thing happened to me today.

slightly after 4pm, i took off frm funan to city hall station to take the train home. and soon the FUN was abt to start. so i took the train to marina bay, ensuring that i hav a seat so i could slp! and there it was. frm marina bay, i slept all the way to yishun, w/o waking up. i was so tired i could not even feel myself anymore. and i nearly miss the stop.

tis is where all the FUN began. i had a split second decision to make. cos i was basically half conscious whn i awoke and i realise i had reached yishun station. so i was thinking, shld i juz go on to sembawang and take a u-turn bac after that, or shld i juz quickly get the hell out of there.
i took the latter. and there it was. POMP!

i got out of my seat. and i fell straight to the grd. and i was like DAMN IT, wad the hell. i couldnt even STAND, let alone walk. i think everyone was looking at me, but i couldnt give a damn anyway. i was trying damn hard to stand up, and quickly get the hell out of the train. my whole body and mind was practically not in the correct state of mind. i felt like i could faint any time.

1st fall. out of seat. 2nd fall. nxt step that i took. 3rd fall. near the pole in the centre of the train. 4th fall. juz b4 i go out of the doors. 5th fall. right outside of the doors, beyond the safety yellow lines. i was so freaking desperate to get the hell out of the train. i couldnt even hear the door closing "toot toot toot toot" sound. i dn even know whn the doors were gna close.

i felt like a total handicap at that pt in time. it was like my whole body juz fall on to the grd. i stand up with 2 legs. i fall right back, INSTANTLY. luckily, whn i got out alrdy, there was tis guy who helped me to the marble seats, with me hopping with my right leg. (my left leg was the one that "BROKE".)

while trying to recover/revive my left leg, i sat there thinking: die liao. i'm a goner tis time. i was damn scared my leg has bcome fei4 (worthless/useless in chinese). i dno wad will happen to my shooting career if that really happened.

basically, wad exactly happened between the time frm marina bay to yishun whn i slept was tis: i placed my lower right leg on my left thigh (chinese call it kiao ka). so all the way for that period of time, i juz slept in that position. and by the time i woke up, and i wanted to rush off. i could not stand at all, bcos blood was totally cut off for my left lower leg. even if i could i feel my leg intact, basically bcos the nerves are still connected, but my muscles were too weak to even support my body.

the feeling was terrible and freaky. but with such events or incidents, i think life is more exciting. hahahahaha

reassessment

reassessment.

tis post was also supposed to be two days ago. that is on tuesday. but same reason. too tired. couldnt type. lol.

tis post is gna b a controversial and debating one.

i've observed some things of waz bcoming of us, humans, these few days. and sadly, i find it pretty disappointing.

there was tis encounter two days ago. on tuesday, after kaka, jor, and me left amk hub for amk mrt station. tis rather strange indian guy came up to the platform and quite politely requested/asked for 2 bucks. he explained his reason that he had some fight or riot with his step father or grandfather or smthing like that. thn i cant remb wad else he blabbered abt and he wanted to ask if he could hav that 2 bucks.

i was hesitant. the 3 of us were all hesitant, in fact. we didn give him that 2 bucks in the end, of cos. and, there goes his vulgarities. was it the correct choice? i dno. there were so many doubtful points abt why shld i/we even give him that 2 bucks. first, considering his story, that means he may turn violent, he may steal and run off. second, scolding us vulgarities whn we did not agree to give him wad he asked for. but thn again, can we blame him for that? wad if he really needs it? but to give someone money with such a kind of behavior, i think my decision will stay as a no.

such behavior, it's like a rotten apple in a whole basket of apples. taz why there are pple who starts to kill one another over small matters. wad is the world coming to? looks like that big dream of mine will need to take a major change of plans.

thn again. another scene made me analyse again. i was training today. in the range. there were tis grp of npcc shooters. (i shall not name which sch they were from). they were hardly serious. some were but most werent. fooling ard. endangering their own safety and others ard them. not handling a weapon properly, treating it like a toy. WHAT IS THIS? their t-shirts has a motto behind saying that they'll always strive to be the best. but if that is the best, thn i think if it's the worst, everyone else would have been shot and died.

the way i see it. there's a really major need to reassess how i shld really change or influence pple.

these cadets are now young. but that doesnt mean they can play ard without being conscious of safety. and wad if whn they grow up with or w/o being guided, and carry that kind of attitude still, isnt that worrying and unsafe? (thn there'll b more men carrying rifles out of the camp, terrorists-like pple. etc. is that wad the world will bcome in the future?)

thn i think abt the generations of our future. batch by batch, year by year, i can hardly see a clear road anymore and i feel great disappointment. so many pple tis days cant take much of hardships. some leaders trying to take the soft approach in every blardie way. but whn it doesnt work, those idiots juz refuse to take the hard way. where's the resilience and endurance in our followers, in our people, in us, humans? no wonder pple are saying today's generation are too pampered, and they cant take even a little hardships as compared to the past generations.

is it that bad? does everything hav to seem so hopeless? if there are that many pple that are tis way, thn i think i can alrdy c the end of the world coming.

tis is only a small observation. there's still so many more observations that are needed. the nation, and beyond. going all over the world. looking at them. observe and analyse.

i sure hope things will be more optimistic than these.

The Leap Years

The Leap Years.

ok. tis post was supposed to be typed ytd. but i was too tired to do it. (even now i feel damn tired to do tis. still, i'll type it.)

The Leaps Years was a totally fantastic movie. Anyone who hasnt watch it, shld really catch it while u can. if not, buy the vcd/dvd lor. you wun regret watching the show. whether u watch it with that special someone, ur frens, family, or alone, it's still a great show.

ok. mayb the start was a little boring, a little anti-climatic, and not much of strong illustration of the story. but. BUT. hold on to ur seats. keep watching. it's the later parts that are those powerful ones. those fantastic, marvellous scenes of the movie with impactful and meaningful content that will intrigue u, that is if u understand and are able to feel the emotions (i'm not sure if those who hav watched find that the show has a tinge of abstract meaning, well taz wad i think. some juz might not understand.)

the potrayal of the storyline was done very well. not sure if it's the director's effort or the artistes' one. but i think it's the artistes that did really well in the acting of each of the roles, esp Li Lin(as Li-Ann) and Ananda (as Jeremy). The supporting roles did a great job too, adding humor, ties, and strong frenship to the show. even though i nvr read the novel at all, i can even feel the movie was a well done one. (hmm. mayb i shld start reading. thn soon i'll pick up reading. hmmmm. man. i cant imagine myself picking up reading as a hobby.)

and last but not least. the music. A PERFECT SELECTION/CHOICE of songs used in the film. most of the songs were by corrinne may. and one or two by some other singers. dno who either. the songs were fitted exactly to how it shld feel during the movie. and with the smooth tune and soothing voice, waz there more to ask.

and in a way. the movie was pretty inspirational with all the sayings by renowned writers/inventors (arhh...renowned pple lar. heck with wadever occupation they were.)

The best novelistic film I've seen thus far.

"It's Better to Have Loved & Lost, Than Never to Have Loved At All."
"It is Not in the Stars to Hold Our Destiny but in Ourselves." - William Shakespeare
"In three words, I can sum up everything I've learnt about life: It goes on" - Robert Frost
"A person often meets his destiny on the road he took to avoid it" - Jean de La Fontaine
"If you are not too long, I will wait for you all my life." - Oscar Wilde

Scars (Stronger For Life)

Scars (Stronger For Life) - Corrinne May

I just want to run
Just want to hide away
Close my eyes to your gaze
Just want to leave
Don't want to hear them say
"You're no good at this"

When the world swirls with naysayers
Broken wings and torn pages
The road ahead
Drowning in my tears

Break me open
Tear me down
Into pieces
Broken crumbs
On the ground

You can mould and shape me
In your image
Breathe your life
You know I need it
Scars make us stronger for life

Losing myself
Gaining it back again
Forging strength from weakness
All that I am
All that I'm meant to be
Melting in your hands

Let the world swirl with naysayers
Pickled hearts and sour faces
What is real is what I cannot see

Break me open
Tear me down
Into pieces
Broken crumbs
On the ground
You can mould and shape me
In your image
Breathe your life
You know I need it
Scars make us stronger for life

Cut away
All within me
That won't bear fruit
Cut away
All within me

Break me open
Tear me down
Into pieces
Broken crumbs
On the ground
You can mould and shape me
In your image
Breathe your life
You know I need it
Scars make us stronger
Scars make us stronger for life

satisfaction. NO.

satisfaction. NO.

back again.

blog entry of the day:
today is sunday, march 9, 2008. it started with a fine day. thn there were showers in the late afternoon. and it's also last day of IT Show 2008. lol.

hav been busy & tired lately. that explains why i haven been blogging.

today's the mthly shoot for HTNS.
well. the total score was pretty decent i could say.
559.

BUT. the series scores werent really smthing for me to boast of. cant exactly remb wad the scores are. will hav to check on that again on tuesday. there were two pretty good series, which are 4th (98) and 6th (97). but my starting few series was bad. really bad. and it pulled me down.

2nd series was an 88. so basically, the series scores were fluctuating frm one to the other. and taz really not my typical performance. it's more consistent for the past few times. i know the reason for my first three series was bcos of trigger freeze. smhow tis problem keeps coming back. and it's starting to irritate me. (it's annoying, alrite!)

hmm.
the satisfaction feeling just hasnt been in me lately. even with scores of 98 & 97, i juz dn feel right. 559 can be a pretty good score and bad as well. but it's not the score that matters more than the processes. smtimes, i juz find it so difficult to perfect my processes and remove that trigger freeze problem. training, hmm, i shld take the chance to train full time tis holidays.

50m prone.

went down to cck after the shoot(and definitely after the lunch that was served abt 1 hr later). today's training felt fruitful. but my left arm still hurts. and somehow my left index finger has that numb feeling. and i dno why. (and it's the finger!!! not the hand.)

endurance timing with smallbore rifle is now abt 35 mins. which is an improvement. but with an air rifle, i can do abt 40 min. but still, i need to improve more. (and more. and MORE!!!) didnt really took time to look at my shots after training today though. was rushing to keep the rifle by thn alrdy. so i juz dumped everything in my luggage (damn. it's gna smell again. esp whn my innerwear has not dry yet.)

the only thing that i found kinda negative was my endurance for the number of shots. 1st round, i had 40 shots continuous, with a bit of releasing to let the blood flow that is after one round of 20 shots. thn subsequent 2 rounds of 20 shots, i could not stay down for longer than one round. it was pretty tiring. actually i think i could tahan on for another set of 20 shots. but i felt if i took the rest, my shots would be better.

hmm. one thing to note was my breathing routine for prone. i need to develop a constant routine for that.

still, today felt good. but i'm still not satisfied at tis standard. i hav to train more. yes. A LOT MORE. (mayb i shld consider training full time for both. even on weekends. hmm. might not be a bad idea afterall. but that'll mean i'll hav to sacrifice a lot of things. on second tots, i think i shld consider tis properly.)

ntu invi. shoot.

ntu invi. shoot.

today was the 1st day of the ntu invitational shoot.

it's been a long while since i shot such a kind of competition. a very long while. and i realise there's a lot of flaws i made today, that could well take away every effort that i put into training to at least maintain my score today.

550.

the scores have been sticking at tis level. had 552 in jan htns mthly shoot. thn i didn shoot feb htns mthly, since it was 4th day of cny(man, it's only the 4th day. eat more cookies lar. waz the hurry?) and whn i totalled up my training in feb, there were only...either 3 or 4 times for air rifle and one dry practice for prone (ONE!!! tis is bad. u know. very bad!)

well. i can only say the number of trainings plays a big part in how well u actually shoot(and of cos HOW u train. not whn u anyhow shoot for fun.) but feb was a bz mth. or mayb it's juz an excuse. i dno. mayb all these reasons shld b accounted for as excuses. i dno. u decide. exams. thn a stupid flu. which equates to one whole wk of NOTHING. the flu seriously sucked. it totally came at the wrong time. (oh wadever, it shldnt even be here in the 1st place.)

bac to ntu today. jitters somehow crawled its way back to me at the start of the comp. i was pretty nervous for some reason. i think its the pressure and the intensity of the competition that i haven felt in a super long time.

it gave me a really bad start. my normal routine were all messed up. how i suit up. which equipment i wore 1st and next, it started to mess up juz after i finish zipping "down"(in tis case it's down, not the usual zip up) my pants. thn dry firing started. i was hot. freaking hot. the anxiety prolly hyper-activated the sweat glands. i could i feel my perspiration coming out of my skin like some blardie tap water. every dry shot i take, my cheek piece got wet. (man. it's freaking crazy. i was wiping my head and gun for like every shot! taz the starting part only though)

thn. comes the game. i couldnt settle dwn with my aiming. it was shaky and the lighting was damn bright. it took me quite a while to adjust to the lighting. sighter shots sucked like i dno wad i was shooting. my gun didn felt right either. mayb it's my position, mayb it's my cheekblock, mayb the flu affected my position. there's too many maybes. the feeling juz wasnt there. and even whn it was there for a shot, it was only existent for not more than the fingers of one hand. (so yes. basically the whole competition, i juz kept shooting even whn i didn felt right.)

and the worst mistake! nvr throw ur watch/clock into ur luggage or smwhere else, ESPECIALLY whn u cant see the range clock right at the OTHER END 33 LANES away and ur shooting glasses lens are not made to fit ur actual degree. damn. it was the worst mistake i hav ever committed. by the time i finish my sighter shots, i was desperately trying to look at the time(which i cant freaking see!!!) so i had to turn ard, agar agar see wad the time was. and damn, it proved me short of time by the end of the competition. luckily, i could still finish shooting. (otherwise, i think i'm gna get a bad scolding...)

i'm juz not satisfied with my processes today. it was a big screw up. visualisation. relaxation. routine execution. i think i'll hav to go bac to the basics of mental skills once again. it's been long while since i've used mental skills intensively. and i had trigger freeze today again. it occured quite a few times.

hmm. problems are starting pop out here and there again. i guess it's time to start reflecting wad is happening...

i'll be back

i'll be back.

i know i havent been keeping to one of my resolution which is blogging more often.

but seriously, ever since the start of 2008, the life juz got so much hectic all of a sudden. and i've been struggling to finish a lot of assignments lately. way too many i would say.

alrite. tis post doesnt mean much. but 3 more wks. 3 more wks and it'll b over. the assignments that is, not the exams. in the meantime, just enjoy the songs posted.

i'll be back. with an even powerful self.
just wait.

twenty-O-eight

twenty-O-eight

a closing to 2007. and it's time to step into 2008.

tis year. it'll be a time & place where things are gna change. many things. big changes(hopefully that is). and waz the start of the new year w/o NYRs to kickstart twenty-O-eight?

so here they are:
minor ones
1) revamp my frenster profile.
2) change my blogskin
3) blog more
major ones
1) get into NTT via prone (PLS!)
2) get my driving license
3) 580 (air)
4) 587 (prone)

5) change general theme of blog topics

6) revitalise NPSC
7) define myself

well. let's see. 10 things.
hmm. seems easy and difficult at the same time.
well. time will tell.
that is all. cya around: TWENTY-O-EIGHT!