what shld i do?

what shld i do?

not sure if she still drops by and take a look at my blog. but wadever it is, if you do, you know i'm talking abt u.

well, a major challenge is over for you. everything seems pretty good now, and u seem pretty happy. reading ur blog, i feel kinda neglected. i feel as if my existence does not matter to you anymore, yet whn u approached me online, i feel the otherwise. i dno why, and i feel i'm being thrown frm side to side, from darkness into light yet back again.

after this long while, i know there's a lot on my mind to tell you. i dno if it's the right time, i dno wad i shld do, but it wun b those 3 words again. all this while, my tots of u, i keep thinking and trying hard to find wad might be the best way for me & u, or rather at least the way i feel best.

i hav so many things to do lately, one major deadline to meet. and i've got hardly any time. moreover, i'm lacking slp now with the nites i stay up juz to watch meteor showers. i feel tired. yet i know i still hav to fight on. i wan to see u but smthing is holding me back. i wan to chat w u but i dno how to start talking. i dno wad i shld do.

looking at ur acc there on msn, online & green, yet i'm lost for words on wad i shld say. i just hope december arrives faster...

想她

想她。。。

最近不知怎么搞的，我又会再夜晚里一直想着，挂念着，思念她。读过了她的博克好几次，我越想越深，不知该如何好呢。哎，12月的流星就快要到了，我只盼望可以陪她看这一次的流星，虽说我已不干把希望放得太高了。

其实，我最想知道的是，你还记得我爱你吗？

除了这问题，我已失去了方向，已不知做什么才好了。。。

TOP ceremony + misc.

TOP ceremony + misc.

oh man. i got so many things in mind to dump on my blog. hav been living life tis past few days with many things in mind, yet i couldnt find time to blog all those out as i was too busy with sch work (which of cos, i hav yet to finish...)

so basically, i think tis entry is gna b quite a long one. but it'll only include today's events and quite a lot of photos, so there wun be much of an update on the past few days' happenings.
a brief phrase-by-day summary would be: pissed by email; matters of the heart; and today. (so going by day, the 1st one happened on sunday.)

alright. as for today. nth much in the morning but rather evening. mornings were tired as usual. no matter how much i slp in the bus, i still end up tired in class. haha. one thing was unusual abt the bus trip tis morning though. it was UNUSUALLY SMOOTH TRAFFIC. the bus was like going pretty fast and hardly even continuously stopping. it's like "WOW, wad happened to the traffic today? where did all the cars go?" thn upon reaching sch, it was another unusual scene. the usual crowd and bustle that shld be seen or heard in the morning were not there. it was considerably silent i could say. i wasnt really used to it either. feels kinda eerie all of a sudden.

anyway. jumping to the evening. came bac home in the afternoon and had a change of attire. thn went back to sch for BSTATS tutorial. and thn laze ard till it was time for registration. for wad? Towards Outstanding Performance(TOP) Prize Presentation Ceremony. dn bother telling me so smart or wadever bullshit related to doing well in acads. those who know me pretty well shld know how much i hate it. high performance in acads? do i even look like i give a blardie god damn shit abt it? (ok. frm that last sentence, u shld know how much i hate it.)

ceremony was pretty plain. nth much. performance; announcing names; giving certs; singing; refreshments. oh wadever, why do i even bother to narrate the event. it's boring in any case. photos are a much better reflection of the event. haha. photo appreciation PART 1.

black and white. hahaha.

raven's confident smile.

are u tired?

coincidentally, it's in ascending height.

wow. is the food that nice??

my photography for enkai. (still lacks smthing though)

TOP Ceremony. THIS WAY!

Exit? That way!

or is it UP that way?

Venue of ceremony. NO! It was the basement of tis venue.
LOL. it's the same lar. why do i even bother to crap.

The lift interior was so well maintained that i could see myself!

waz with boon's exclamation & raven's horny expression?
i wonder wad i was looking at...hmm.

now i'm looking below the camera.
is it the lens or my eyes problem? they are avoiding each other.

glass panels

tis is the most interesting pic. it was taken with a self-timer.
somehow. raven and me were standing so close. i didn even realise.
boon was giving that spastic look.
and enkai looked cool in that pose. haha.

well taz for the ceremony. moving on to photography. i find the current camera i'm using is really limiting my ability to shoot better shots. and i really feel i shld get a better camera asap, say mayb a semi-pro one since i cant afford a DSLR juz as yet. but even a semi-pro is a problem now. with limited financial resources, i really need to allocate my spending well. moreover i'm wan to get a new phone more than i wan to get a cam. prolly a PDA phone. so how? anyone wans to sponsor me at least a semi-pro cam? hahahahaha...

on the way back home. took some nice sunset shots too. although the car was moving on the expressway, the backgrd was still clearly reflected and i must say: it was pretty. Photo appreciation Part 2.

b4 entering the flyover.

on the expressway.

smwhere on the expressway.

i love tis shot most.
nice foregrd silhouette w light radiation in the middle.

not a full recovery

not a full recovery.

it's interesting how i actually do managed to recover from a setback in such a short time, for most occasions. although i wouldnt say i hav recovered totally frm ytd's happening, i know i feel better. i know i'm better today bcos i wna get things done. but, that motivation to fight is still feeble, it can break almost so easily if smthing goes wrong again. and yes, i'm still not all that happy, i can say.

i feel fortunate to hav friends i can pour my emotions and stress out to, cos at least it's better than talking to a wall esp. whn i know i'll end up banging on it...

right now. mulling over that event, i find myself kinda speechless and blank on wad i shld type. and somehow i find that i cant continue typing anymore....

yet another disappointment

yet another disappointment.

tis post is response to my prev post.

today was a big disappointment for me. a harsh disappointment that reminded me of a similar past event which made me feel disappointed in myself. tis means, it's the second time tis has happened. *sighs*

i wasnt prepared to face tis disappointment yet again. i nvr thought i'll screw up so badly after putting in so much effort to prepare for tis BCOMM presentation. all over that one word: nervous. it's such a great pity.

abt the past event. it was also a presentation. a group one. that was on an environmental competition. it wasnt nervousness that killed me here. but rather it was having to burn the wrong files into the disc. the files werent the finalised ones. by the time we realised that, it was too late cos it happened during the presentation itself. tis sucks big time esp whn we spent 3-4 mths putting that much effort, having late or even sleepless nites, into such a great thing that came down to a waste in the end. and i was the one who screwed it...

till now, i still feel very bad wad happened tis morning. i'm still dwelling on it. and tis sucks too, esp it's the second time alrdy.

the moment i return to my seat. i was filled with anguish and i was like: man. i'm so totally screwed tis time. i cant help it but all other moods or enthusiasm to do any other things juz disappeared. i was like emo-ing the whole day after my turn ended.

it's not abt not doing well to score that 5% assessment. but rather it's bcos i did not put in the best or the better i could've done. smthing that i truely stick to: put ur best into anything u do, and enjoy the process of doing it. and it was smthing i could not achieve today all over that one word.

it's disappointing. and i really cant think of any other words to replace it bcos i cant think properly even till now.

prolly some pple would hav thought that i was fine seeing me playing games not long after. but that was more like a mask i'm wearing. not wanting to worry my frens ard me, even though deep dwn i felt really sad. behind that mask, it's still me, dwelling on smthing i shldnt be dwelling on.

i hate tis. and i feel like crying again all of a sudden.
guess it juz goes to show how impt i look at tasks assigned for me to be done. esp whn i'm performing so off-form & my best is not there....

tis disappointment. why doesnt it seem to end?

SHIT!

SHIT!

DAMN IT. I SCREWED MY PRESENTATION. WAS TOO NERVOUS THAT I FORGOT MY LINES OF INTRODUCTION FOR MY METEOR SHOWER TOPIC. ARGH!!!

GOD. CAN I PRESENT AGAIN!

DAMN IT! DAMN IT! DAMN IT! DAMN IT! DAMN IT! DAMN IT! DAMN IT! DAMN IT! DAMN IT! DAMN IT! DAMN IT! DAMN IT! DAMN IT! DAMN IT! DAMN IT! DAMN IT!