an unrequited love?

an unrequited love?

will i tear again tis time? *bitter laughters* i dno man. one after another blow. it seems i'll nvr get that chance to b w her at all. everythin' i c, hear, or wadever verbs u can name, that is abt her. hmph...it's all practically against me. nth abt it seems to heighten my hopes. i really wonder is she juz tryin to run away from me, from my love, or was it an unrequited love all along...? *bitter laughs*...does it matter to her?...hahahahaha. i guess not...i guess not now anymore.

now that she's probably enjoying herself. enjoying herself w someone else. someone whom i dno. someone whom i'm not sure if she'll b happy w. if so, then i guess it's gd. n i shudder think e otherwise. n since both of them now r in e picture, a picture w all e lights on them, i guess i can only run bac to e shadows in e picture, hiding there, feeling practically numb while she enjoys herself.

i dno y. but it feels as if...as if i'm so numb alrdy. as if my heart has gone w her yet it cant feel her presence near. or as if my heart has stopped, my emotions r too hurt. i dno. i dno. i dno. i cant feel anything. yet i feel pain. n yet again. i wish i could cry. it's such a mess...

i'm lost in e middle of nowhere. i'm like stuck in sahara now, desperately trying to find a way out, yet sandstorms keep brewing, constantly disrupting my sense of direction n lvl of visibility.

i dn wanna lose her now. seriously. juz when i tot i was at least gettin' out of that waiting list, it falls bac to e same pt. tis chance, it's as gd as something i can nvr achieve. as much as i would love to achieve the impossibilities, tis is smthing beyond my control. a decision that can only b decided by her.

wad is my decision then? i dno. i wanna cont to wait. wait n wait n wait. probably forever i guess. staying in e shadows doesnt mean i cant go into e light, no matter how it goes, i'll still b there for her for anything, for wadever she needs. i'll protect her. i'll help her. i'll save her. i'll do wadever to benefit her, even beyond e limits of human or more - superhuman, n as crazy as it can get. for that word called love. even if it's unrequited...

untitled

untitled.

as e title goes, it's untitled. i dno wad titles to give anymore. as much as i know, i know i aint in a very happy state lately. my guess is history repeating itself all over again.

(whether u still cont to read my blog, i still wna blog it out)

i've been feeling so terrible ever since something happened between me n her. although i'm still kinda unclear of e true reason behind it, i'm juz glad it's sort of solved now.

prob solved. but my heart aint. thru all her words i c, i know she's hurt, she's had enuf of all tis. e only way out now, is that i can only stop all of tis, since that is wad she really wans now. i know taz best now, but no matter wad my heart doesnt die. e love, it still stays.

i dn wan to disturb her anymore tis yr. i know it's impt for her to focus. i know it's one yr that she shldnt mess ard w. i understand tis yr is more than anything to her. but i wan her to know. i would still very much like to help her out tis year, help to do well.

i'll still always b there, when u need me. no matter wad e consequences, i'll always b there to help u.

over my dead body

over my dead body

i freakin' pissed now. my dad doesnt agrees w my decision to withdraw. stating that he'll sort of discuss it 1st. i dun give a damn. not even a god damn. i've made e dead choice. out means OUT.
i wun turn bac. it was a regretful decision made during that freakin' exercise. from e start, i shldnt hav gone to that blardie place. it's total bullshit.

i'm gonna get e god damn hell out of that freakin' place no matter wad. as long as i still breathe, i will get myself out. w or w/o my parents' consent. i dun give a damn anymore.

i study to learn n enjoy, not suffer tis kind of blardie bullshit. sadly, tis isnt e case here. in fact, practically all over e region n even e world. it's a great pity only such minority understand such an impt fact to enjoy e process of learning instead of being result-oriented every god damn other day. on e shallow surface, pple always talk abt one muz enjoy e process of learning to get e most out of it. but wad kind of typical contradicting scenes exists everywhere. tis is pathetic n totally idiotic. such saddening acts of contradiction.

my future is in my hands. e decision lies w me. no external party including my parents will interfere w wad i decide. wadever advices there may b, it can only b of advices. nth will change my mind once i'm set, DEAD SET, on my decision.

e only time when my fate is in others' hands. it's gonna b over dead body.