disappointment

disappointment.
&
a shattered dream.

shld i laugh or shld i cry? i hav no idea. if i laugh, e laughter is bitter. if i cry, e tears r bitter too. almost all e results of tis prelim hav been made known to me. waz left is physics n CL. rite now, i'm so totally depressed. i'm so disappointed in myself, n even more so, her. i cant bring myself to face her anymore. e prelims, was a total messed up. haiz.

everything seems at its worst now. or probably there's smething much worse? i so dun wanna know.

everything just didnt work out in tis exam. e only thing tat worked out was EL. but to only do well in one sub....waz e DAMN pt...?!! all my other god damn subs screwed up like some blardie freaking shit. waz e damn pt of getting a better grade in EL, to only do badly in e other subs? it just cancels out e whole damn benefit. WHY DID THIS HAPPEN??? WHY?!!!

i cant find e cause. i dno wad e cause is. but i've identify 2 possibilities but there could just b even more of it. just wad is e damn cause? wad is that damn blardie ROOT CAUSE of all tis shit i'm suffering.

emath: cant even get my a1. PATHETIC
comb humanz: ss was a total wasted piece of shit! so wad if i've crapped my way thru geog well enuf. SO WAD?!
chem: paper 2 section A was totally off wad i'm suppose to get. QA screwed my whole practical. DAMN IT. not even an a2.
amath: hmph...both papers r a total bullshit. a c5 juz makes my L1R5 worse. just might as well blow me up w a c4.
bio: speechless. nth to say abt it.

unknown:-
physics: 4get it. i dun wanna know e results anymore. i've given up on it for tis prelim.
CL: only miracles will revive it.

my mind is a battlefield inside. my feelings r all messed up. i dun even know wad i truely feel anymore. anguish; sadness; confusion; madness. a really devastated soul.

e situation is juz a big mess. i'm totally numb over PAE alrdy. e 1st 3 mths. i dun even know if wanna go anymore. i'm juz too undecided. or shld i say i'm more decided on juz giving up e damn admission for e 3 mths. practically, my mind is probably 95% for giving it up, but unless e mere 5% can do miracles. but, an untold future holds me now. i dno anything anymore. i dun wanna know either.

my dreams r juz shattered. not being able to make it to HC is bad enuf. waz more if my dream of getting to a averagely gd JC is gone. haiz. so down. so depressed. so disappointed.

i feel as if i've let down so many pple. all those pple out there who is supporting me, who knows abt my dream, who cares for me. i feel so bad that i disappointed esp ms yeo n her. nth gets worse. but no one will understand how disappointed i am, how bad i feel towards them...

assembly 25-9-06

assembly 25/9/06

e P gave a talk during e assembly today. a talk w a purpose n w some power in it. hmmm. i must say it triggered my thinking indeed. there's only abt 41 daes b4 e written Os n things dun seem to b in place. e fact is: it's serious.

P had a point there when he said: "study 10 hrs, 15 hrs blah blah blah....if u need." but i tot otherwise. i tot that sacrifice as much as u can, just for tis final phase. e sacrifice will do much. still, my tots r somehow similar to wad he said. haiz...

r we still slacking? that's a key qn. somehow, i get e feeling i still do. things r alrdy as bad as it is now. my prelims results wun get me anywhere i wan, n i am sure of it. PAE to HC, it's a little out of e way if i'm using tis set of results. i can practically 4get abt e whole 3 mths things trying to get to HC, unless a miracle do happen in e appeal, which e chances r way low.

i dno wad is happening anymore. my drive is there, but actions just arent taken. where am i really heading. if tis keeps up, even e only hope in JAE to HC will extinguish. haiz. i, too, dno waz gonna happen next.

41 daes. one goal. one time.
1 goal: HC
1 time: e 1 n only Os
i'll definitely pull thru tis 41 daes b4 e Os, n 2 wks to e end of e Os. but wad matters more is, wad is gonna happen in tis nxt 41 daes. tis is so damn freaking bad.

PLAN. a revision timetable. not sure if it'll really work tis time, but i guess i juz hav to really stick to it n i juz hope that i'll really do it.

i cant lose another chance. e final one. all my hopes to HC r pinned down on JAE now. i dun care wad it's gonna take to get my goal n my L1R5.
2 things, final say:
college:

HCI

L1R5:

7

e Final Countdown

time trials end - prelim.
e Final Countdown.

yea, finally e prelims ended. wahoo. but i aint a bit happy bout it. haiz. probably a momentary feeling of relieve, but happy is definitely not w it. prelims might hav ended but wad remains are e results. i'm goin to b in super deep shit tis time man. somehow, i started screwing up from last wed till today. e magnitude of screwing up e prelims from last wed till today, could actually b represented by a quadratic expression w a sad face...haha. seriously, i juz realise tat now. e trend is exactly similar...hahaha.

screwed papers: e math P2, physics paper. sian.
BIG-TIME screwed ones: a math, bio paper. WAH..si bei sian arh...!!!

walao eh. it's like practically whole prelim is screwed. piang eh, like tat how to even think abt goin for e 3 mths, let alone aiming to go HCI for e 3 mths. haiz.

i cant believe myself lor. i even screwed up e most basic foundation in E math ytd. 2 pretty simple careless mistakes screwed both my qns n made me lost hell of lot marks. darn it. i'm so pissed. but well, after some analysis of my routine, i deduced tat e most probable cause was due to late nitez slping tat had caused my brain to somehow "malfunction" in basic logic thinking. haiz.

e only thing i'm worried now: Will i b able to get some gd results n go to HC or even at least some prestige JC?

anyway, prelims r down. e nxt thing on my mind is e Os. n of cos there's still a next next thing on my mind too...haha. but 1st, e Os.

practicals r coming in bout 4 wks. darn, i'm running out of time. i cant start slacking again. it's big time i really do smething. i dun wanna screw up my whole life...haha. but of cos, it'll definitely b a break for me today. it's getting intense. e final countdown is finally starting.

so, Next up: e Os. Bring it on man! Let's do it!!!

e final race is finally abt to start, now that e time trials are over. it's time to finetune every part in tis machine. cos there's aint no chance for screwing up again as it was in e trials. it's time. it's e final countdown.

e decision

time will pass. but i wun
e decision.

i've been thinking for these 2 days...i've at least come to a decision i'm clear of. n tis is it.

memories. e past few months of memories we had, i'll keep them safe for now n i hope u'll still keep them. e incident in jan. my b'dae gift. ur belated b'dae gift. e photo at IMM. n everything else. these memories r juz too much for me n i cant 4get them, bcos i cherish them.

feelings. time is juz gonna keep moving on but my feelings will still stay. i wun give up. I WON'T. i dun care how long i hav to b in ur waiting list. i dun care how long tis wait will take. i juz care tat i will wait as long as u r still part of my heart. no matter wad, i'll still wait for u. i hope that day will come. rite?

i cant let u go cos u mean too much to me. i hav too much things to say i can hardly remb wad i wanna type.

for now. term 4 is gonna start. n yes i know, u really hope tat i'll do well for Os. dun worry...i'll definitely get back full focus tis term, n i'll go maximum speed for tis final race. i will do well. I WILL. n i guess our r/s still stays e same for now. me n u, at least let it b a "very close fren" r/s kae? alrite w tat?

after my Os. things r definitely gonna change by then. but wad will it b, i dno. i definitely know i'll b bz w my relocation to my new residence in yishun but still, just wan u to know, i'll b fighting for u...yes i will. i hope u wun step back. n even w or w/o a chance, i told u: i wont give up.

i've made tis decision as clear as possible. juz tat there r still feelings i wanna type but couldnt remb. alrite. it's my Os tat i'll focus now. I'll do it w wadever i've got!

a reality i cant accept

a reality i cant accept. juz cant.

u said it. u finally said what i expected to b. it's painful, i'm sure u know that. i juz cant accept it at all. my heart juz dun wan it to b tis way.

no chance. not even after my Os. haiz. i nvr wanted things to end tis way. WHY? i cried. several times. so lonely, so hurt, why did it hav to end like tis...sobs...

i'm so lost n lonely now. no one to love but u. u have someone else in ur heart...but who..? i juz wanna know: who. who was e one who made it into ur heart? i really dno wad will happen to me, now that i've lost u...really lost u.......:'(

haiz. everytime i think bout how painful tis is, my tears juz cant help it. so many months of memories, all for u, not for e sake of love. it's juz to difficult for me to put things down like tis. n i wun.

my heart juz wun let u loose. my feelings aint gonna b changing juz yet. do i really still stand e chance? even if i did make it into ur waiting list...will there ever b a chance...? e pieces of my heart...each piece resembles u w different faces w different expressions. angry; sad; happy; frown; cheerful; thankful. too many of them....*tears*...

u said u r not worth it. to me, u r worth everything to me. nth beats it. my love for u is juz too deep. it's juz like a blade stabbed rite in my heart now....haiz. losing u...is as good as losing e world.

*wheezes*....i juz hope tat one day will come. tat day when u ask me to b w u. cos for now, i cant accept tis fate; i cant 4get u; i cant let u go juz like tis n i will nvr; i cant 4get tis love. JUZ CANT.

tears for u will nvr stop...

So many words for the broken heart
It's hard to see in a crimson love
So hard to breathe
Walk with me, and maybe
Nights of light so soon become
Wild and free I could feel the sun
Your every wish will be done
They tell me...

Show me the meaning of being lonely
Is this the feeling I need to walk with
Tell me why I can't be there where you are
There's something missing in my heart...

Life goes on as it never ends
Eyes of stone observe the trends
They never say forever gaze
Guilty roads to an endless love
There's no control
Are you with me now
Your every wish will be done
They tell me...

Show me the meaning of being lonely
Is this the feeling I need to walk with
Tell me why I can't be there where you are
There's something missing in my heart...

There's nowhere to run I have no place to go
Surrender my heart, body and soul
How can it be you're asking me to feel the things you never show?

You are missing in my heart

Tell me why I can't be there where you are

i cant accept it

i juz cant accept it...pls tell me it wun b like tis

is tis e feeling i need to walk with...?

haiz...u came in juz to say your piece. did u really mean everything..? u said u still like me as who i am to u. does that mean there is no more chance? does that mean u wun b giving me a chance after my Os? i dun fully understand...i dun really know wad u fully mean. i reall wan to talk properly thru... i hope things wun really turn out wad i expect to b, cos i cant accept it. *tears*...tis is e 1st time my love for someone has gotten so strong. i juz cant take it if u juz let things hang in mid air...

i know u r still trying to get over things. there's still a lot of things unsettled in u. all i wish for is juz a simple chance to b wif u. is there really not at all even e slightest bit...

u said u tot it thru. i juz hope u didn mean exactly everything u said. i cant. i cant accept it. tis aint like my MT Os. i cant let it go juz like tis...it's too difficult for me....sorriez...*tears*

show me the meaning of being of lonely
is tis e feeling i need to walk with
tell me why i cant be there where you are
there's something missing in my heart...

short but happy

short but happy.

quite a restless n boring afternoon i spent today...or mayb i shld say a tiring n boring afternoon...*yawnz*. was stuck in e cinema at jurong centre watching Barnyard today.

*snorez*...i was starting to fall asleep after watching bout 20 odd mins...man, my eyes were closing alrdy. e show was touching n there was a strong moral put across e story. it wasnt much of wad i expected. like funny, hilarious. in fact, most were silly instead. wad was most unexpected was tat tears came flowing out of my eyes. e touching story behind e silly actions was wad impressed me. it's a good show but didn really fit my emotions today.

alrite back to e main story. morning. woke up. still feeling darn sleepy. ate some breakfast. went to IMM n support her.

journey. wanted to slp in e train but didn. *yawnz*...too excited i guess...hahas. still, my eyes wanna close...hahaha.

destination: IMM, level 3 outside Daiso. quite far out of Daiso, in fact. well, i got to c wad exactly Daiso was - some departmental store i nvr heard b4..haha. reached e SPOT. looking around for her. couldnt find her. i tot she said she's gonna b damn prominent?! okays..anyway finally found her stall, after looking high n low for her. RED CARDBOARD!!! haha...tat was wad she was wearing. well, tat was prominent enuf for me to spot where she was.

hmm...seriously, u looked cute or rather, errr...cool? w tat thing on. alrite, cute sounds better...haha. n in fact i dun find it dui lian at all...there's nth wrong or bad abt tat rite?

n so..as usual, i supported her. LOL. paid 5 bucks for a pic w her. haiz...hahaha. but it was nice. a jigsaw photo. nice memory...hahas. her sis was there, so she attended to her 1st. in e end, when her sis left, she came to me...n wad happened?...i was overwhelmed w SORRIES. man...it was e 1st time i heard tat many coming from her...haha. Look...it's okay, therez no need to keep apologising...i understand..(=

waz nxt? i left. not exactly left. i went downstairs to get my lunch. chicken rice as usual...but e rice was not at all soft n fragrant...haiz. taz bcos i left e meal to stand in e cold for quite a while. sms-ing my way, as e rice turned cold...hahas. eat halfway, take out HP....sms again...haha. LOL. tis way, tasty chicken rice also bcome bad liao lor..haha.

wanted to send her home...but well didn do it. if i did, i wouldnt b typing tis entry so early alrdy. reasons? 4get it...i wont tell anyone. she knows. i know. gd enuf....haha.

linkin' back to my title, y was it happy? definitely, it was short cos i juz went to take a pic w her n buy tat jigsaw photo. tat was way short. happy? well, it's nice. it's memorable [w e photo]. it was a happy moment i spent w her.

well..tat concludes tis entry. [hmm..sounded kinda anticlimatic...lalala, wadever..who cares...hahas]