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it's been a while

it's been a while

well. the first thing i would wanna say is, it's definitely been a while since a personal best has been set, again. but this time, it's for prone. no doubt, last month was a new personal best. but it wasn't much of an improvement. that's how i feel. but this month! it definitely is. so here's the report.

97 + 96 + 97 + 96 + 97 + 96 = 579

a whooping 579. never really expected it. but...i do know my performance today was pretty good. although a chain of several unexpected turn of events popped out here and there along the way during the monthly shoot. though i wouldn't exactly wanna go through the elaboration. it's long-winded and tiring. @.@

ahhh well. it's a satisfying performance. i'm missing one point to cut the mark. but it doesnt work that way though. gonna need an average of 3 scores to cut it. still! the best is yet to be! i still gotta keep working on it. consistency is the key here. if it's one thing i realised today, there are 3 key things I need in prone: consistency, relaxation and towel! hahaahaha! =P

i just felt along the way, when i shot, my weight kinda falls to the left. but each time i get up and get back down, it helps to remove that feeling. i still need fine-tuning in certain areas, for now. but one achievement i'm proud of now is my speed of shooting for prone. honestly, now i think there isn't really a need to aim so long at all! it's like...aiya, just shoot lar! hahaha. as long as i'm relaxed and my arms are not tensed, just pull that trigger!

BANG!....

one year later & one year ago

one year later & one year ago

HOLD YOUR THOUGHTS FIRST! now let me explain the title. first, it's not just a random title. second, it has no link or relation to the previous post. totally none with regards to the content. third, well it just so happens to be a coincidence! hahaha. okay okay...that's not the explanation. then again, it actually is. if you re-read my sentence: 'now let me explain the title', so whatever sentences that followed is actually the explanation! but if i change my sentence to: 'now let me explain WHY the title', AHHH HAAAA! then it becomes different. (now, that is the beauty and cunningness of English Language. hahahahaha)

alrights. done with crapping. if you don't comprehend whatever's above. don't try too hard. there's no point trying to understand it, unless you have too much time on your hands and probably even legs. (gosh. what is becoming of me??? my amount of nonsense is increasing! O_O)

back to the main point now!

hmmmm. a year ago in October, i stopped. a year later in the exact same month (minus one day), i start again.

don't understand? i'm talking about shooting 50m smallbore(SB) rifle prone here. i stopped my training and participation in SB last year because i couldn't cope with the financial factor. it was draining my pockets out, pretty badly. and i don't think it's going to get any better this time round either. BUT i've made better plans this time. at least that's the way i see it now.

it's been a year. and yes, one full year! today's the October monthly shoot. and i only had ONE training last week. it's ONE after resting for one W-H-O-L-E year. (okay wait. instead of full or whole year. more emphasis and attention seems to be on the ONE. lol.) okay. never mind, let's just move on...

today, opens up a new peak for me. today, is the new beginning for me in this event. today, is the mark of improvement. (and no, i'm not gonna type any more todays, just in case i sound like i'm advertising for Today!)

i think i better dive into the details of today's shoot or it'll never come.

92 + 90 +95 + 91 + 97 + 96 = 561

yes. it's a new personal best...for prone, ever since last September's one which was 555. but the consistency still isn't there. it's the lack of training. position wise was getting better. i could better understand the grasp of a good position with least tension today. at least, i know now what is to ensure both(both as in right and left) shoulders and arms are relaxed. sometimes unconsciously, my left hand will apply strength to control the rifle. but when i checked my shot routine each time today before engaging in taking aim for each shot, i felt the difference of applying strength and just being relaxed. well, letting go and relax sure did alter the feeling of comfort on my left wrist. but it's for the better. haha. (i mean come on, in one of such torturous positions in shooting, what comfort is there to really talk about anyway...so might as well enjoy it.)

the other thing was my goal today wasn't really to shoot much a good score. and honestly, i didn't had much of a hope by the looks of my sighting shots. it was so dispersed. the grouping was pretty bad, in fact. and yea, my main goal today was really to just make sure i finish shooting a total of 60 shots plus sighting shots (which i shot about...18 shots) in 1 hour 30 mins. and guess what? i finished in 1 hour and.....8 mins! and yes! i felt great!!!! something much much different from the way i felt last year when i wasn't able to finish the competition in Aug and Oct!

the interesting thing here today was. i made a mistake in the number of shots i had to shoot. Not literally in the number count. But visually. because one box of bullets has 50 bullets. so i don't know what or how i was thinking but...somehow my mind was thinking there were 40 bullets on each holder. so the whole competition routine that i had in mind today was something like this: 10 mins preparation time. check the watch. keep track of the time. competition starts. check the watch again. remember the time. aim to finish within 1 hour including sighting shots. take rest for every 20 shots.

and so it began. i started shooting my sighters. bang bang bang...then i went on to start my competition shots without any rests before. (rests as in getting up and out of the position and rest) then i got up after shooting 20 shots into the competition. rested a while. check the time again. it was...40 mins into the competition. so i had 50 mins left for 40 shots more. then during the first 20 shots, i realized i totally forgot to factor in the target changing time for every shot! and i was like thinking: "shit...haw seh liao. never mind never mind. whatever it is, just chiong to finish."

so i rested, then i got back down into prone position and started again! now the trick or rather, the weird thing that happened here was that, i know i still had 40 shots to shoot and i recognized that i didn't had much time left after resting (but actually, i thought i didn't had much time left because of the bullets, with regards to the way i perceived the appearance) so i modified my competition routine. instead of resting after every 20 shots, it seemed that i just had to finish this next 40 shots all at once. but because the initial routine was to get up after every 20 shots, so when i looked at the holder for the bullets (which my mind supposedly segmented into 20 shots in the head already), so i thought the current holder had 20 remaining and i had to use another 20 from the other holder.

ok now. recall one box holds 50 bullets right? so there are 2 boxes. i used one of it for 18 shots of sighting shots. and when i started my competition. i switched to a full new box of 50. so if you do the math, after shooting my first 20 competition shots, i should have 30 left! not only 20! (my mind got mixed up and thought there were only 20!) so when i finished my last actual shot in reality, i thought i haven't finish and i continued to load! then i was like thinking again: "quick quick change target! time is running out!" *the human target changer (just in case you're wondering if it's a machine) takes the last target out* then i was like: "EH?! finished already ah? ehhhhh?!?! really meh? i thought still got 10 more shots? *confused*"

so i looked back down at my bullets. and....OOOHHHHH. my mind segmented the number wrongly. tsk!

okay. i just realized i'm not even sure if the whole explanation for this supposed-to-be-humorous weird happening is clear and understandable. but if you do understand it after reading and you're like hahaha-ing away, congratulations! if you do understand it after reading and you're not like hahaha-ing away, never mind, be consoled that you actually did understand what a chunk of messy details. but if you are none of the above 2 scenarios, then just forget it. just close the window man. stop reading. you're probably too confused already. really! (i'm sure i don't have to direct you to the CROSS sign on the top right hand corner of window, do i?)

okay. done. it's a really long post, full of crap. Totally! it's either i'm crazy, tired or maybe my hurting back is causing this unusual effect on my brain.

a month ago & a month later

a month ago & a month later

i'm thinking this is gonna be quite a pretty long post tonight. but i'm not sure how it's gonna turn out eventually. maybe shorter than expected? well, we'll find out after i publish the post i guess...

it's been approximately a month since i have started my internship. i can't decide on how i should be describing it. though it doesn't fall into the positive side of categories of descriptions. it is more or less still alright. yeah....'alright' is probably the most suitable word to describe it at this point in time.

i guess i can't deny that i have definitely learnt certain things. some new stuff on the business side and....yeah just the business side of the business. lol. interacted with a different system. SAP to be exact. and that's about all that much i can say, since most of the work revolves around a routine cycle. it's literally the same cycle every other day with minimal variation in ad-hoc tasks.

but it's a month later now. and it's pretty much the same things happening around still. but not in my head. lately. my thoughts are coming back. just yesterday, i don't feel right for the job. i feel like there are so many conflicting emotions in me. i feel cooped up in a cubicle. and it sounds so much like any typical day job in this society. i feel like....i just feel like i'm in the wrong job. perhaps because of the people. perhaps because of the environment. and most probably perhaps of my interests and driving force.

from my understanding, it seems the allowance was one of the driving force for interns. but then it seems, that's not working on me. and then there is this thought that began quite a while back. the thought about which suits me best now. the frontline? being in the middle of the action? or the backend? i don't have a definite answer to this yet, but i guess this applies differently in different industries. in the automotive industry, i probably think i'll love it better being in the frontline. better so if it was in motorsports. but it's the backend now, so i guess i just gotta hang on and get through this. if not, i'm sure i'll pass.

sticking around in this job now tells me one definite thing. i can confidently say i'm not gonna stay desk-bounded and stick my head at the monitor for 8 hours a day sitting in the chair. No! No way am i gonna get comfortable in that seat!

honestly, i know very well in me that i'm not at all ready for working life. i might not ever be ready. or maybe this applies for the society here only. i have yet to pinpoint the exact reason for this yet. well i mean, since i have yet to work in a different country, of course i won't know. and maybe the reason may also be the job itself. it remains an open reason and much room for exploration.

and with that, i wonder how i'm really gonna get through another 4 months of work. equating to around 90 working days? ever since i put out that fire, things haven't seem to be getting better. rather than not, it seems to be getting worse. i hate to say it, but i kinda feel like i can be putting my life to better use instead if i don't spend 9 hours working. then again, maybe it's a matter of perspective?

i'm getting some after-thoughts too. i want to seek a life of adventure. a simple life yet filled with times of adventures. and that's exactly why i don't wanna stay desk-bounded. just today in the evening, i was looking at the newspaper. then i thought, maybe being in the middle of the action is a good idea? being a journalist? or a field reporter? okay...maybe i'll stick to journalism for a start. sounds pretty workable doesn't it? hmmm. well, i guess you gotta be in it to know it.

and in a month, there's so many things happening. unbelievably, Mother Nature has struck in consecutive days. well, almost for everything. last Saturday, Typhoon Ketsana in the Philippines cutting across to Vietnam, Cambodia and Laos. Then on Tuesday, came the 8.3 earthquake around Samoa Islands which triggered a tsunami so powerful, it could reach some Japanese island, i think. And the next day, Wednesday, the 7.6 underwater earthquake in the state of Padang in Indonesia followed by a 6.8 one somewhere near Sumatra. And now there's Typhoon Parma which seems to be coming at Philippines again. something isn't right here. that's definite. but what is? this almost-round sphere that we're standing, sitting, sleeping on, is going out of control. or is it a sign about something impending? *wonders*

oh well. guess i gotta head to bed now. it's gonna be another long day ahead again. (and looks like, it is indeed a long post!)

the transition or...

the transition or...

finally, it's the last of the exams i'll ever have after 13 years of education in my 19 years of life. well, probably at least for the whole of another year. oddly, i'm not feeling any tinge of relief nor joy exuding from myself. and that is definitely not a good thing.

it's only a week of holidays before my internship starts. i really need some fresh air to breathe. Singapore's air is getting rather stale and full of stress as i breathe it in every two seconds. (but on an honest side note, the air is really getting dirty. pollution!) well hopefully, i'll have enough time to get some fresh natural air.

and then internship starts, what's it gonna be? i can only say i'll take whatever comes. sigh. the last time i said that phrase: "i'll take whatever comes", that was....i dont even remember when. but it definitely was a pretty confident phrase. Still is? Perhaps. i'm sounding pretty negative doesnt it? why am i not surprised? hur. blowing out a struggling fire was something i never expected i would do. but at least it removes one burden off the mind.

ending the last semester of a diploma education with an internship marks the start of working life as well, not on its entirety but similar. the future seems kinda meek and blur. entering into an entirely new environment is gonna feel different somehow. although there were past working experiences, this feeling i'm getting just doesnt match.

and then there comes a choice right now. probably the toughest choice i hav ever contemplated upon for the whole of my life until now. the longest ever consideration i hav given to a choice. the most times of hesitation i have gone over again and again to decide (and still doing so). and up till now, i still dont know if it'll be the right choice; if consequences will overweigh benefits, if there is even any benefits. and pardon me seriously, i know my words arent portraying much of a positive attitude. (if you, as a reader, find that the negativity [although subtle but present] in the content, is getting on your nerves, you could always press Alt+D on a Windows computer now and type someone else's blog address)

on a more random note, was chatting and the word 'start' suddenly struck me. i stumbled back on my memories. back on why i started this blog. the starting;the beginning. inevitably, i'm back on my train of thoughts again. never failed as a specialty or my forte, i presume.

gone with the wind

gone with the wind

it's funny how i find myself here typing with nothing in mind to really blog about.

exams are coming next week. and it's the last of the exams i'll ever have in this college. have been doing revision bit by bit for the past few days. but i wonder how much is really retained inside the brain so far. it's hard to get going alright. the feeling just doesnt feel all right.

right now, i've stopped my revision for the day. but i find myself drowning in my recent playlist on iTunes, trying to find a fresh song to play on this blog. something that fits the mood...

i realise i still find myself struggling. with a lot of things. but somehow, it seems i'm making a pretty pointless attempt at finding solutions. maybe because i'm starting to fear what happens after.

it's pretty obvious either i'm trying to beat ard the bush or i'm really an empty vessel right now isn't it? judging from the lengths of my paragraphs as compared to my past posts, it's a vast difference i think. sighhh...

dennis tan.
the flamin phoenix.
where the heck are you?
or are you really dead this time?
where's your soul? where's your spirit?
just where hav you gone?

it's all a lie

it's all a lie

i'm laughing at the word phoenix. hahaha. wad a lie it feels like now. it's so unbecoming of me to be feeling like this lately. i've lost so many perspectives and focuses in the mere weeks of late but at the same time, it looks like i've gained new perspectives but it all feels just so cynical.

i'm losing the drive. no. in fact, i think i've lost it. every part of me is just going haywire and there's no way for me to rewire back. it's been so perplexing to not stop thinking and wondering. i feel like my brain's on the edge of madness if i dn stop thinking. i just wan it to shutdown, the analytical systems to shut down. i really wonder how it is like just to have some simple thoughts and not thinking anything more than that. it's just so contradicting to ask myself whether i should b listening and acting upon my heart or my mind. i'm feeling such intense physical and mental exhaustion, i just wna keep on slping (and no! it's not anything near suicidal, that is if ur tots are getting wild. i'm just so tired...)

maybe it's just me but everything has just been feeling so indifferent...or is the other way round? maybe..it's the latter. sigh..there's so many thing i wna type. but i dno where to start. i just dno wad to do anymore. nothing probably seems to feel right lately, no matter how i try.

for everyone that has been asking me of my well being. i thank you and apologize for the cause of worry, disappointment and however i may have made u feel. it's definitely a lie to say that i'm all well bcos i'm not anywhere near it either. but i guess, if u knew who i was back in 2007, you're just prolly looking at a soon to b dead man. that guy is gonna disappear from the face of this earth soon. my values stay but my perspectives is just not the same anymore...

this i wonder

this i wonder.

to the destiny to fulfil, this i wonder.

to the emotions we feel, this i wonder.

to the boundless entities of the world, this i wonder.

and to all the mysteries of life, this i wonder.

honestly, i dn think all this wondering is gonna get me anywhere. worries. thoughts. hesitation. analysis. i've been having a pretty hard time with myself and my life lately.

wadever that has been revolving around me. however way i have reacted to them. to me, there's this sort of disappointment i feel towards myself. thn i start looking back. why is this happening. thn i start looking forward. wad am i gna do. thn i come back at right where i stand and look into the mirror. who i am looking at.

sometimes, it seems life becomes so meek and what you see starts becoming myopic whn problems and bad habits get in the way and blinds you of wad is beyond.

i talked about saving the world. revolutionising it. but sometimes, it juz gets to me that...who am i kidding? the tinge of losing confidence sets in and starts reaping ur strength, spirit and soul apart. i imagine a life of adventure like any superhero fiction. but i, too, wonder if that sort of danger will ever befall this world in my lifetime. or am i just trying to live a life of a story i hav made for myself?

it's nearing the end of my diploma and i'm reliving a nostalgic history of my graduating year in secondary days. and looking at the pple all around me at this moment in time, i just wonder...are they doing what they really want? do they know what they really wna do?

how can i ever be sure if i'm doing the right thing?
how can i ever be sure if i'm doing something for a greater good/cause?

to all tis, i still wonder...

new divide

new divide

new divide or not. i cant find a way to link wad i wna say with the lyrics from the song. in fact, the feelings doesnt match. or rather, wad do i hav to say? gosh. i dn even know why i'm typing tis. ok wadever it is, one thing's clear. the song is great! lol.

hmmm. now how do i make a new divide? put two round droplets of ink on a piece of paper like a colon. thn i draw a horizontal line to half them. AHHH! taz division! but to make it new. let's rotate the piece of paper. hmmm 90 degress clockwise. there you have it! it's a new divide! (did u actually find that funny? u gotta be on verge of madness to find that amusing. *rolling eyes & whistles*)

the final term of an amazingly hectic semester is about to start. after that, it's on to attachment. and that is where the new divide comes in. it's on to a new life soon. the chapter of tis book is reaching its end once again. a lot of uncertainties lie ahead right now by the way i look at it. am i gna hold on to tis past and present moments? or shld i live ahead of time? wad ensues my actions & decisions is changing every second.

humans has too many wants, too many desires, too many things to achieve. but why do we still fight for them? why do we still go so far out for these things, be it materialistic or of sentimental value?

i cant seem to focus on what i want. i cant seem to find what i truly desire. i wan this. and that. oh and that too. and that three...and it goes on. greed is the root of tis desire. yet to a certain extent, it's juz pure hunger that drives the actions. i need a new purpose. i need one direction to run towards. i need one goal. it may or may not be the ultimate goal. but i need only one focus, at least for now.

living with too many identities is tiring. the only way out is to put them all back together and divide them into no more than 2 - a nobody who lives amongst everyone else and one who paves his way towards his purpose.

a worthy experience

a worthy experience.

95 + 92 + 92 + 92 + 89 + 92 = 552

sure is a nice string of 92s. if i move 3 pts from 95 to 89, it would've been 6-in-a-row! (reminds u of poker doesnt it? though poker has only 4-0f-a-kind at the most...oh well.)

NUSIS 2009 had definitely been a worthy and interesting experience tis year, at least for me. though today is only the 2nd day, it's indeed an experiential competition to learn from. Well, i shall take the chance to wish the shooters competing tmrw all the best!

i admit today's performance definitely isnt the most ideal one i was seeking for. but it's definitely one of the better ones i could give today. instead of the usual unsatisfaction i get at most competitions, i felt a different feeling today. i felt great. i felt i've learned much today. i've taken away much just from that 2-3 hrs there, preparing, firing, and ending it.

having shot qualification rounds of 60 shots at an electronic range today was my first. though shooting a 10-shot finals isnt, but 60 + sighter shots definitely is. it's a different situation. the pressure isnt as intense. and there were quite a handful of adjustments required to my routine. digital dashboards showing the series scores instantly of every single shooter at each end of the range, a slightly higher target, no guiding lines for natural alignment, a non-typically spacious table, OMEGA digital clock, an international-class sensation shooting range, and SIUS ASCOR scoring software's inner-ten-rippling effect!

the dashboard proved to b a distraction. but it wasnt major. it's not the main contribution to my average performance. there were 2 major problems today.

1) locked knees over time
2) not daring to pull the trigger (AGAIN!)

i realise my legs get more and more tense up the more i shoot and the longer i shoot. the knees juz lock themselves up and it's really uncomfortable with all the strain. been having tis problem recently and for quite a while now. i'm wondering how i can get those knees to chill. hmmm. the other major problem is the long existing, stubborn and tough-habit-to-kick problem - trigger freeze. my first competition shot didn get fired out until the third time i get into the ready position. and if not for aiming so long, my first series wouldnt hav been 95. it helped in the first series, but it wasnt gonna help in the other 5 series. why? cos i'm taking WAY WAY WAY TOO LONG TO AIM AND FIRE!!!!

but overall, the competition made me make use of an old technique to make sure the weapon is aligned with target each time i cheek-in and it helped! in fact, i hadnt use it for quite a long while already, really looooonnnng. well, that's the good point.

i guess i've much to work on lately. esp my locking knees and the related thigh/quadriceps tension. i accepted and am gladly contented with my performance today bcos for one fact i knew, i wasnt best prepared at tis point in time and i hadnt train much to really bring back the best out of me.

still, there are 2 things to keep in mind...

You wanna be a winner, you gotta believe you are one! You wanna be a champion, you gotta believe you are one too!

And, Hunger to excel is what drives actions! If you aren't hungry enough, then start getting hungrier!

atrocity

atrocity

i witnessed an incorrigibly disappointing sight the other day. and man, wad really is the world turning into. i seriously think some parents of our generations are seriously contributing to some of the most major damage to bring the world closer to doom. good intentions but inability and lack of understanding and experience to execute them, turning good into worse and the worst...*sighs*

i was in the office on wednesday, preparing stuff to start work. thn there was tis parent who came into the office asking abt the details of the course blah blah blah. of which in tis case, the course was apparently the one i was gonna be conducting. it was the last session of an 8 week program. so the thing is last sessions also usually refers to tests or exams in most cases. so if you're guessing, the last session of the course is a competition.

and there was also a form that the students needed to sign and get comments on. it's the NYAA bronze award. (fyi, NYAA is national youth achievement award, for whoever who doesnt know.) and seriously, i dno waz the major fuss over THESE stupid awards.

here comes the sad part. the mother was asking "worryingly". cos her child was sick. had high fever blah blah blah. made the condition sound so bad. and thn she started asking: oh i heard that there was a test or something and thn there's the NYAA thing. like what's this NYAA. and it goes on, abt the awards, etc. and she quoted that her child said he didn wanna go cos he was sick, and judging by the condition of how i heard it, that shld be the way. but thn again, the mother just continued her sentence in almost the same instant: no. you must (let me emphasise tis. YOU MUST) go. it's a test and there's tis award. it's impt. blah blah blah.

man. the moment she blew out that sentence, my whole perception totally took a 360 degrees turn. from heaven to hell. oh come on. is health more impt than a stupid bloody test and award?! that is total bullshit. i cant believe that all those crap was coming out of her mouth. and yes, after that very sentence she said, every other thing she said was just crap to me. i dn give a damn abt wad other shit she was adding on.

of all the wadever thousand things or wad, i cant believe a parent is willing to forsake a child's health to get the so-called best for the child. best meaning paper-proven "best".

more hearing-evidence that the child isnt in the best condition. the mother wanted to pick her child up after the competition cos she didn want to hav him travel ard that much, since he was SICK. so she asked wad time would b good. but if the child was in such a condition that he cant travel ard on his own, thn to my interpretation, it can only mean he's just not well enough. (but of cos, it's opened to many other interpretations as well.) and being not well enough equates to getting more rest at home and in bed.

so has health taken a back seat over other matters like achievement? like accomplishing a task, a job, a project, an assignment? i mean come on, even such unworthy acts are making its presence well known in the working society. and bcos of that, does that hav to happen on our future generations as well? think abt it, think abt the worst. wad if the person dies along the way? and there goes everything. nothing is gonna be accomplished. all these achievements are but left with no meaning.

no one knows their own bodies best. and if they know they do not want to do something or go somewhere and if they know how far they can push their bodies during an illness, thn others, regardless of whoever it is, must very well respect their decision. taz the least they can even do. LEAST is RESPECT. 

to the unsightly truth of wad has happened, i'm left with no other words to say but this. An individual's health has never been any less important than anything. It can only be more important than anything. As an athlete, I find health to be of the utmost importance. Without health, you're nothing but a living corpse.

impeccable disaster

impeccable disaster

85+87+85+89+82+86 = 514

unbelievably full of 80s plus series. not even a single series that goes 90 and above. today's monthly shoot was major disaster but it also brought in a whole lot more learning points and necessary commitments to come. everything just went wrong when the shoot started. how ironic it was to feel that i was in control the whole time right until b4 the shoot.

reached the range just as preparation time started. (yes i know, it's not doing any good to reach the range right on time b4 the shoot. so i dn need reminders for that...) anyway, throughout the journey to the range, i felt in total control of time and everything. i knew i could do it. i knew i could execute wadever i shld and i knew i could finish everything on time. but somehow that did not turned out how i knew it would be. 

proceeded on with the normal routine of drawing weapons and laying out the equipment while having music plugged in. checked the necessary things (almost all..), filled my pelletbox (here's one mistake already.), started to suit up and with my pants and boots done (there's another learning point made here. more likely a point relearned), i was about to do some dry-firing without the jacket. turned out i didn check my rifle all that properly and i realised something was shaky on my rifle, as i shook it. found out that it was my rear sight raiser that came loose, slightly. so there i walked to my locker, took out the sight raiser tools, and walked back and tightened my sight raiser. it was still within prep time.

couldnt be bothered with dry firing w/o jacket anymore and so i juz put the jacket on. anxiety was starting to build up and the loose sight raiser distracted my thoughts, even though i've already tightened it and double-checked it. (distractional control juz didn kick in and i couldnt recover frm that loose distraction, somehow...) by now, it was already 15 mins into the shoot. others were banging away and i was dry-firing with a few more shooters at the ending lanes.

dry-firing was a total mess. no matter how i got into position, stepping in and out of the bay to find my natural alignment, i couldn't settle down and find it. something was wrong. when i tot i felt more or less steady and started my sighter shots, the sighters juz didn help in settling me dwn to start my competition shots. stability was getting worse and worse shot after shot and holding bac the trigger longer and longer made things worse. whn i pulled my first shot, everything blew. 8 followed by 9 and by 8 and 8...and it goes on. along the first two series there were even 7s that followed. the bullseye was like a untouchable dot. somewhere in the middle of the third series, i juz couldn't stand it any longer. cutting another low 7 juz made me stop, unbutton and unzip everything. sat dwn and retied my right boots lace. felt more comfortable soon after cos the tightness of the boot was starting to hinder my comfort. but it still wasn't right.

emotional control was another major fault. not being able to release the frustration caused by poor shots, shot routines and overall stability in a less violent manner put the whole mental state in an emotional distress. part of the mind was overwhelmed by the fact that time was against me. with a vulnerable mental state of mind, the distractive predators grew both from inside and outside. my mind was a prey crying out in struggle to recover. the body grew even tense with time and it wasnt helping especially with muscles tightening up.

with all the chaos consuming me inside out, i was left with one belief to hold on to: Finish this no matter what. Just keep shooting, fast enough to clear these 60 shots by 11.15am(the end time). 

by then, it didn matter to me anymore. whether it was a 7, 8, 9 or 10. trigger freezes still occurred. banging machine, and inconsistent routines were all executed. let all frustration and anxiety undo themselves in one way or another. it didn matter to me how they were all released. having not finished shooting 60 shots twiced at prone, i made sure i nvr will and ever again let that happen especially not in an event that i hav shot for nearly 6 years now. i was on the edge of misery.

it felt really miserable right after my last shot. i threw everything out. KT glove pulled out and threw. Contact glove pulled out and threw. Knobloch specs unwore and threw, and it dropped on the floor even. unbuttoned jacket, thrusting my anger into taking it off and dumping it on the chair. did the same to my inner wear. i was in total disbelief as to how i shot the whole competition.

thrown right into deep tots, i could barely even fake a smile. in a state of total disgruntlement, i juz lost it. i lost everything today...

hour of disappointment

hour of disappointment

well. it's an hour. it was an hour though. an hour supposedly to b filled with hope and an effort of conservation. if you're guessing, yes, it's Earth Hour. or rather it WAS earth hour.

it was a rather disappointing spectacle i saw yesterday nite on my end, at my residence. totally pathetic bunch of ingrates, i must say. i dno abt the rest of tis nation. but it was definitely a great effort put in by the city's CBD. shutting off most lights for an hour in town area is definitely a thumbs-up, considering how much electricity the city area use. though the sad thing was, i wasnt there to lure in the darkness. haha. 

i must compliment the effort the businesses put in ytd to bring out their bunch of environmentally creative ideas. and well, i did my part too, switching off lights in the house and no a/c for an hour or more in my room. (man. and i was perspiring like crazy ytd nite, adding the fact that i was alrdy ill. AGAIN...)

wad disappoints me more, or rather a whole lot more, was so many pple around my residence was still happily having their lights on and playing around. Having their living rooms brightly lit by electricity, rooms, toilets, etc. throughout that hour, i really had the urge to throw foolscaps with msges telling those pathetic lowlifes, to switch off their lights into their houses and backyard. but of cos i didn do it, apparently not wanting to be a target for complaints.

maybe they werent aware. if that was a reason, thn i accept. but if everyone's gna use that as an excuse, man, i'll give them a tight slap right in their faces. looking at those pple outside my house merrily enjoying their time away in the swimming pool, it was infuriating.

but of cos, i'm not entirely saying that there werent units that had their lights off. there was. but only a puny handful. *sighs*...looks like our planet is on its way to doom with so many of such pple. it's like no one were in the spirit for it. 

something must be done next year! something better!!!

wealthy dilemma

wealthy dilemma

hav been thinking pretty much the whole day about it. and it really is a hard choice to make. cos i've been switching sides here and there, unable to decide which weighs better than the other. in terms of everything. especially time. the risk factor is just filled with too many blanks. one cant know waz gna happened in the nxt few years and beyond with everything going berserk around the world. the economy. the next day of my life (ok. maybe next day is too short to have much of a difference. so probably: the following years of my life...)

there are so many reasons and factors to consider. and the more factors the more difficult tis decision gets. as i worked out my budget and typed out a purchase plan, i tot that would be it and everything would be easily thrown aside. but taking a look at my budget for times and days, it gets me thinking even more and MORE! all the wad ifs juz flows out like a river gushing to flow into the sea.

time. wealth. experience & knowledge. skills. are juz some of the many factors. just that they are those major ones. would i trade wealth over experience and knowledge gained over the years, or the other way round? maybe i shld take a long term approach of budgetting and see wad i wan to spend on in the next 5 years. but thn again wealth is nvr ending. but it is sort of impt to aid my goals in my 20s.

and if i trade my experiences in, i might lose out in time and learn some things too late which would also affect my other learning experiences. but thinking of the benefits i can reap in smaller gains over giving learning experiences up, it does seem a pretty good deal. in fact, a very ideal one actually, i think. but thn again. hmmmmmm.

looks like it goes one round to come bac to the same point. qualitative factors are rather difficult to gauge in helping to make a decision. so looks like i'll hav to stick back to quantitative analysis with figures again. many many many more figures. 

wad will it be, at the end of tis decision. i wonder...

long overdue - part II

long overdue -

part II

okaes. as promised. PART II. 

been thinking for quite a while and it doesnt seem i could get any resolutions out. instead, it felt more like goals instead of resolutions that i wan to make. so let's juz call it goals instead.

hmmm and the list is (in no order of priority):
(1) AR - 580
(2) AR - trigger daring
(3) SB - 580 (hopefully, if i can i support my finances)
(4) train more!
(5) a car b4 my year 3 starts (hmmm...)
(6) work enough to sustain my planned budget for this year
(7) learn fruitfully and succeed in TIP (the full term spells too long)
(8) understand automotives better
(9) sharpen up my web development skills, specifically javascript and others possibly
(10) catch all the movies i wan tis year (doesnt include dwnlds. but it varies w expenses i guess)
(11) moulding np shooting team into something....

think taz more or less it. dn think i can squezze more in. cos if i do, i prolly run out of time and life.

well now, wad else can i add into tis overdue posts...hmmm. year 2009.

ok. tis year sucks. totally. seriously. january was packed. drowning in projects. and got sick soon after CNY. CNY was totally shit too. hardly ate any great stuff. thn came feb and exams. buried in slides (not books!) shooting isnt getting anywhere. it's stagnant. mayb consistent? but i doubt so. or mayb i'm juz too impatient to get somewhere. hmmmm. a rather unlucky start for 2009.

man seriously it sucks. i mean now i'm having sore throat again. prolly ate too much cashew nuts and got too heaty. stupid ulcer in my throat. it hurts and it's irritating! grrr. and i'm falling ill in like a mth after i recover. *faints*

but seriously the trigger freeze problem juz likes to stick ard. kinda hard to kick it. bad habits die hard. tsk. darn. i need to kick it. i need to KICK IT!!!!

somehow i'm finding it hard to blog tis days. my mind's becoming like an empty shell. hmmm. i really wonder why. but anyway, think i'm gna kickstart my career in web development. so if anyone has lobang for that, or ur frens need one, find me pls! wahhahahaha.

*thinking of cars* hmmm expenses is seriously gna be a big burden and headache for me tis year, if i ever get one. *shakes head and sighs* tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk. hmmmm. convenience over wealthier bank. or wealthier bank over convenience. hmmmm hmmmm hmmmm. cant find a way out of tis dilemma.

*tries to pour brain juice out* well, looks like my jug of juice is empty alrdy...

long overdue - part I

long overdue -

part I

well, as kinda promised or something, blog updates are back! cos finally my exams are over and so are projects gone for good (or at least for the nxt 6-7 wks). now i hav time to type and type and type and type my long long stories. wahahaha. 

see the title? it's only part I. so stay tuned for more...

now let's see. where did i stop the last time....hmmm. (exclude those posts that were not meant to be). november. hmmm. guess i'll date bac to december thn.

dn expect too much. it's pretty much summarised cos dec 2008 memories are a little fuzzy alrdy.

december. hmm. oh yea. a few days b4 i touched december. i finally passed and got my license. thn december term break was juz filled with projects and assignments. had an intensive foundational training camp for np sch team shooters, which didn quite met up to my expectations though. thn there was xmas. same old celebration stuff. nth special. made some new frens at the range b4 the year was abt to come to an end. welcome 2009 at dam's house with a bbq and countdwn with bowling at leisure park that nite. (and i remb one thing, beer and potato chips are really a bad combination. man. the taste seriously sucks. so bitter it makes ur hair stand. so dn try it at home or anywhere else. lol. unless you think you are gna like the taste of bitterness suffocating ur tastebuds)

and so to wrap 2008 up, quick and short and sweet. (here it goes):
(1) embarked on a few mths of prone mthly shoots but the training itself was dragging me into a near-financial crisis (lucky that was b4 the economic crisis came tumbling in. lol. ok that has no link. i'm not even working, as in, working with a proper job. hahaha.)
(2) (erm..) had a lot of first time experiences in the year of 2008. (though it does look like i'm gna hav my fair share of it in 2009 too.)
(3) shooting goals missed for 2008. both for AR and SB. pretty disappointing though.
(4) my second half of 2008 was more eventful than my first half. a lot of things happened so yea. lol.

ah 4get it. taz all for wrapping 2008 up. i'm like trying so hard to dig things out to end 2008. but it all feels kinda empty. 

now. onwards to the year 2009! my resolutions for tis year. hmmm. well they arent really up yet. hahaha. haven gave much tot to it lar. though i know a lot would revolve ard shooting again and possibly some vehicle related stuff? man. i dno. give me a few days to think. it'll be in Part II. cant think now. mind's all cranky after examinations. 

well, i guess i shall halt my Part I at tis point here.
stick around for Part II! (prolly in a few days time. PROLLY)

keeping them

keeping them

tis is yet another post that didn hav to be here. but certain things made me feel i shld write this. i dno. i feel really bothered by it. and i'm feeling pretty down over it too. ever thought abt how heavy the word promise weighs. it sparked me thinking and mulling over it pretty much now.

people say it with a very lighthearted treatment to the word. i dno how many do that and i dno how many dn do that. it's like having that word out of ur mouth is so light and easy since it only takes two syllabus to pronounce that word. but seemingly putting it into action seems to be a whole different thing. well of cos it depends on what kind of promise was made. 

i recall a personal msg on msn saying: if promises are meant to be broken, what is the intention of having them in the first place? well maybe promises has several different usage purposes. but. if u cant keep them, or fulfil them, why promise?

i admit i myself sometimes do commit the mistake of not being able to keep a promise. but i'll do everything i can to make up to it. i'm not making excuses for myself here. just that, it disappoints me as much to break the promise i hav for someone and much worse, if i dn even try to do something abt it. so waz ur say at keeping promises?

i guess i agree with wad was said. dn make me promises you cant keep. so better think twice or thrice the next time you to try promise yourself or someone, b4 letting that word out of your mouth. hmmmmm.

choices made. lessons learnt. hard.

choices made. lessons learnt. hard.

alright. tis post shldnt be typed at all. the updates for blog would actually come much later. so there shldnt be any post today or that soon. but i guess tis is a post which by all costs, is necessary for me to type and remember, indefinitely. and it goes out to all drivers too.

prolly i hit a pretty bad patch lately. nvr seem like the past 2 lunar years are working well for me(which includes tis year). oh. but wadever. i'll get straight to the story.

i was driving today. was on way back home. with 3 other passengers, my friends. but as i was taking the turn to the road twds my hse, the car skided. totally beyond movement. result: broken front bumper, blown right front tyre, right rear tyre slightly out of alignment, and i'm guessing a lot of other important parts either broke or got out of place too. *touch wood though*

dn bother asking me wad happened. i'm not gna speak another word about after today. i will only keep the experience gained in me for a lifetime(or even beyond, if there's any)

the unlikely thing is, tis has pretty much caused me to think of several other things:
1) purchase of a car
2) regrets and disappointment

3) advanced driving

with the repair cost that seemingly is gna cost pretty much worse than a bomb. i dno wad to say to dad. i wanted to pay part of it, but he's not willing to let me. considering the costs he's bearing. i really dn wna be another financial burden with an additional vehicle. and even so, with costs aside(although cost is the major concern of an additional vehicle), the experience has gave me 2nd tots of actually purchasing a car. i really dno if i can drive, safe, anymore. i'm not sure if it was my fault or was it the car's? though i'm pretty sure i contributed much to it. i shld prolly take a break frm the roads. how long? i've got no idea, totally zero.

the regret is getting on my nerves. it's one of those very few times that i actually feel that much remorse in a/an choice/decision/action i made/did. it's hard to describe. my dad told me not to do certain things whn he lent the car to me. i'm not sure if it was much of a promise. but i took it as one, and the disappointment in myself in keeping promises seems rocket high. the situation was so dangerous. there were 3 other passengers. and they were my frens. and i dn wan anything happening to them. i wan to make sure they're out of harm's way. but everything juz wasnt in place, the car went off. the driver probably sucked.  i dno wad i'm protecting.

*sighs* mayb afterall, i'm still an 18 year old "KID" that has too much adrenaline. reckless, inconsiderate, playful, irresponsible, selfish, disregardful of consequences, and wadever else u can into this category. i dno man. i dno. mayb public transport is still the best. i guess i just hav to suffer a little less slp, more fatigue and lactic build-up for going here there and everywhere for school, shooting and work. 

advanced driving is something on the long road. but nvrtheless, it's on my mind. and not until then, with today's experience in hand, i guess it'll nvr stop reminding of wad happened and wad to keep in mind off. i'm not gna let tis experience turn my interest off like that. it's juz gna make me stronger, even tougher. but learn it for real. use it only whn needed. and nvr abuse it. N-e-v-e-r. NEVER.

i'm juz glad everyone were unscathed. if they were, i dno wad i'll be like now (and definitely wun even be posting tis now)

to all drivers out there on the roads, whether u read tis or not, check your vehicle no matter how long or short ur journey is every single time and drive safe and cautiously. speed only whn necessary. dn try anything u are not confident of, or u hav not learnt b4. dn learn things the hard way like i did. some choices and decisions are minor. some are major. some are etched in ur mind for good. and some will make you regret for life. (a frank comment here: i think driving schools in singapore shld really teach pple how to handle the car better. i think their practical lessons pathetically suck.)

thks everyone. thks for ur concern and worry. i'm fine. i'll always be. i'm invulnerable. i'm superman, remember? =D

thks a lot, emberwolfe. tis smile is for u. =)