mayb i'm juz not ready afterall

mayb i'm juz not ready afterall

2007's coming to end. everyone knows that. and 2008 is arriving. the whole of 2007 has been a new experience for me in many aspects, and a big resting period for something else. it's abt time i end the chapter 2007 in my life, and write a whole new story for 2008. a story with much much more new challenges.

let me return back to xmas and b4.

went to macau and HK for the past 5 days before xmas eve. was pretty much a shopping trip as well as a photography trip. (imagine taking 500+ photos with a 2MP camera that is 4 years back in technology. man. TOTALLY TIRING!) anyway. wun talk abt the trip, neither would i b uploading the photos. 500+ is too many, unless there's some quick uploading and sharing site for me to do it.

bac in sg. xmas was 2 days away. got presents ready by xmas eve. celebrated xmas on the day itself as usual every year at my uncle's place. but oh well, nth much interesting abt it. juz ate, enjoy photos, receive & open presents, and adios.

wad was interesting was smthing that happen on thurs night, very late night that is. initiated a chat with her. thinking in mind she had already seen my greeting card. i was kinda lost for words on wad to say. but the thing was, she hadnt exactly receive it. it's still in her mailbox which has yet to be opened. so...phew? well, the chat went fine. but i dn even wna think abt waz gna happen after she has read the contents in my card. i sure hope she'll reply after she reads it, but i'm guessing she's gna say something that i already know.

so taz kinda it for this part of the entry, which isnt really related to the title.

now. theses tots have been going thru my mind ever since i made that final decision i wan to tell her, which was like abt a mth ago? i've been thinking, for 2008 and for the future of my future, i dno if i really wna choose to fall in love, marry, or wadsoever. of cos the sight of couples, do at times makes me jealous, makes me long for her to be by my side. but thn i think again, maybe tis aint the future i would eventually yearn for. or is tis juz a impulsive thought?

looking at myself in the future, it seems i hav a lot in mind to pursue. shooting is definitely one of them. astronomy itself, is becoming much of a hobby for me. and thn the hit drama, HEROES, is starting to fascinate me so much, that i think evolution is something truely interesting. and of cos i'm referrring to the evolution of humans. there's also quantum physics that i might take a look into, and of cos one more, that biggest, most difficult dream i wan for my life. all these things, it'll prolly take the rest of my life to do, to research, to learn, etc.

thn i ask myself. to put wad i wan in life over love. or to put love over wad i wan in life. i asked myself if i was actually ready for waz called love. to do so many things as an individual, not being tied down by many things, such as love, family, etc. is this good? or having to share all this interests, having to do all this together with someone, isnt it better? but thn again, how many out there are really that specifically crazy over tis things, and waz the chances of finding the special one within those crazy ones? i'm sure she isnt one of them, or rather most likely not one of them. and whn the world turns crazy one day, and whn doing wad i wna do has become more dangerous than it seems, waz gna happen to all those i ever loved. mayb being a lonewolf isnt that bad afterall.

but who knows, mayb that one person do really exist.
but as it is now, i cant see the difference between ready and not being ready.

tell me waz right and wrong

tell me waz right & wrong

i'm losing motivation to do many things. studies is one of them. i wasted the whole weekend doing nothing at all. just lazing around for two whole days. sleeping away. something is just not right here. i seem to hav said this sentence over and over again. and i dno why i do that.

it's just that one feeling to get me away from doing my studies. and it's so strong, i dn feel like getting any work done. i hav one assignment that's worth 40% of the whole module that needs to be submitted this coming wednesday. but it's as good as undone. i hav an assignment last fri, which was supposed to be done last fri, but to date, it has not been done. the list goes on...

attending microecons tutorial tis morning made me realise how much i hav prepared for the common test, and more so, how much i hav really understand and learn of miec. the answer: it's hardly anything. i feel really guilty at this point in time, yet i hate waz going on.

let's get to the point. i'm feeling something i hav hardly felt. and taz hate. not only that. but it gets worse. this hate, it gets stronger and stronger. i can feel it consuming me. and frankly speaking, i fear it'll change me. change into someone i dn wna ever see.

but wad hate is tis? tis hate towards the system. the education system. why? the assignment this wed to be handed in. it belongs to a module called CATS(creativity & applied thinking skills). in my opinion, it's bullshit. this whole damn module sucks downright to the bottom. it's useless.

i dn like it. i hav no motivation to do it. the tutor gives me such a aimless impression of CATS. it's like every god damn CATS class is freaking purposeless. i go to class, with a feeling holding me back. wad does that feel like? do you even feel like attending class?

and it doesnt stops there. i'm not saying all the classes, but the majority of the NP classes i go to, it's tis way. at the least, i feel so for this sem. so tell me how fucked up is that? lecturers or tutors with attitudes that dn encourage learning, dn encourage wad education really is, and their mouths say they do. WHAT IS THIS? some freaking hypocritical statements? or some stupid statements that you bloody adults just shoot out w/o thinking?

with this kind of pple that exist in the education system, is that the so-called moulding the future of our nation? that feels like total bullshit to me. i've seen good teachers, great ones in fact, in NP and esp. my sec sch. but the teachers of this sem, such disappointment is undescribable.

that's not the end. those are just the teachers. i haven even touch on the system. IS(interdisciplinary studies). CATS included. with almost half the sem gone, i find year 1 IS modules are pretty much useless. or rather, to put it more direct and ugly, it's shit. other than IAC(individual and the community) and sport&wellness. tis year's modules are screwed. having compulsory IS modules for year 1 students? no choice for selection? so it's force completion of a module isnt it? whether you like it or not, you don't hav a choice.

NP thinks it's useful for students. NP thinks it's good. NP tis and that. wadever it is. how much do they find out from students about it? prolly rarely i would say. how much do they know of waz happening in the classroom? adults always think they're damn freaking right. or rather, let's put it this way: the superiors or the higher ups think they're always right. who is to question what they do? i dno how many think they should question wad those pple do. but i know I DO! i question every single freaking thing they do. from scholarships interviews to TDP(talent development programme), from how they work to the kind of lecturers they hav, etc.

bring it up a notch, the country. how much of feedback is really taken into consideration? feedback that favour wad the superiors think, prolly they are considered. but what about those feedback that goes against their way of thinking? i bet half the time those feedbacks are just marked down and thrown away.

and i hate those pple always trying to vye for good results, vye for cca points, tis and that. all this stupid materialistic shit. waz the damn point? so wad if u get god damn great results and high cca points, when behind those figures are juz mere meaningless actions or something you got for doing nothing out of.

waz really right and wrong in the real world? is there even one? results results results. does your whole fucking life revolve around that damn word? thn i think u r so freaking screwed. there's no right or wrong answer in the things you do in business, in research, in wadever it is(except criminal activities. that's obviously wrong. dun rebutt me with the obvious thing and tell me it's right.)

in school. in exams. in theory. wad we study. wad we "learn". everything there, it has an answer, correct and incorrect. but some things such as projects, they are judged by the lecturers/tutors. right or wrong? who's to say? and i would say, i even question if they are qualified to even judge. not basing on their experience, but their attitude they hav as teachers.

in the world, beyond this galaxy, the vast space out there. the rights and wrongs. who is to define which is which.

the whole post is pretty messy. my thoughts are all jumbled up. just bcos i hav too much to vent. and all tis hate rounds up to me as well. i hate myself for being like tis, i hate myself for putting myself through all these. why shld i even bother? it's not as if i'm right or wrong. i dno wad it shld be.

but at the end of the day, waz most pitiful is, i'd still hav to complete my CATS assignment, unless i choose to fail and repeat the module. and i do not even wan to think of it. failure. module repetition. yet another judgement. *sighs* pathetic.

to hav the education system fall into such a bad state, i cant express wad disappointment i hav of it as to date. but waz more impt is, how many of those up there see waz really wrong and recognise that fact.

the revival of the fortress of solitude.
let me be sunk in my thoughts, once again.
i'll return soon, once i straighten out my thoughts
to fulfil wad i feel will be my destiny.