the transition or...

the transition or...

finally, it's the last of the exams i'll ever have after 13 years of education in my 19 years of life. well, probably at least for the whole of another year. oddly, i'm not feeling any tinge of relief nor joy exuding from myself. and that is definitely not a good thing.

it's only a week of holidays before my internship starts. i really need some fresh air to breathe. Singapore's air is getting rather stale and full of stress as i breathe it in every two seconds. (but on an honest side note, the air is really getting dirty. pollution!) well hopefully, i'll have enough time to get some fresh natural air.

and then internship starts, what's it gonna be? i can only say i'll take whatever comes. sigh. the last time i said that phrase: "i'll take whatever comes", that was....i dont even remember when. but it definitely was a pretty confident phrase. Still is? Perhaps. i'm sounding pretty negative doesnt it? why am i not surprised? hur. blowing out a struggling fire was something i never expected i would do. but at least it removes one burden off the mind.

ending the last semester of a diploma education with an internship marks the start of working life as well, not on its entirety but similar. the future seems kinda meek and blur. entering into an entirely new environment is gonna feel different somehow. although there were past working experiences, this feeling i'm getting just doesnt match.

and then there comes a choice right now. probably the toughest choice i hav ever contemplated upon for the whole of my life until now. the longest ever consideration i hav given to a choice. the most times of hesitation i have gone over again and again to decide (and still doing so). and up till now, i still dont know if it'll be the right choice; if consequences will overweigh benefits, if there is even any benefits. and pardon me seriously, i know my words arent portraying much of a positive attitude. (if you, as a reader, find that the negativity [although subtle but present] in the content, is getting on your nerves, you could always press Alt+D on a Windows computer now and type someone else's blog address)

on a more random note, was chatting and the word 'start' suddenly struck me. i stumbled back on my memories. back on why i started this blog. the starting;the beginning. inevitably, i'm back on my train of thoughts again. never failed as a specialty or my forte, i presume.

gone with the wind

gone with the wind

it's funny how i find myself here typing with nothing in mind to really blog about.

exams are coming next week. and it's the last of the exams i'll ever have in this college. have been doing revision bit by bit for the past few days. but i wonder how much is really retained inside the brain so far. it's hard to get going alright. the feeling just doesnt feel all right.

right now, i've stopped my revision for the day. but i find myself drowning in my recent playlist on iTunes, trying to find a fresh song to play on this blog. something that fits the mood...

i realise i still find myself struggling. with a lot of things. but somehow, it seems i'm making a pretty pointless attempt at finding solutions. maybe because i'm starting to fear what happens after.

it's pretty obvious either i'm trying to beat ard the bush or i'm really an empty vessel right now isn't it? judging from the lengths of my paragraphs as compared to my past posts, it's a vast difference i think. sighhh...

dennis tan.
the flamin phoenix.
where the heck are you?
or are you really dead this time?
where's your soul? where's your spirit?
just where hav you gone?

it's all a lie

it's all a lie

i'm laughing at the word phoenix. hahaha. wad a lie it feels like now. it's so unbecoming of me to be feeling like this lately. i've lost so many perspectives and focuses in the mere weeks of late but at the same time, it looks like i've gained new perspectives but it all feels just so cynical.

i'm losing the drive. no. in fact, i think i've lost it. every part of me is just going haywire and there's no way for me to rewire back. it's been so perplexing to not stop thinking and wondering. i feel like my brain's on the edge of madness if i dn stop thinking. i just wan it to shutdown, the analytical systems to shut down. i really wonder how it is like just to have some simple thoughts and not thinking anything more than that. it's just so contradicting to ask myself whether i should b listening and acting upon my heart or my mind. i'm feeling such intense physical and mental exhaustion, i just wna keep on slping (and no! it's not anything near suicidal, that is if ur tots are getting wild. i'm just so tired...)

maybe it's just me but everything has just been feeling so indifferent...or is the other way round? maybe..it's the latter. sigh..there's so many thing i wna type. but i dno where to start. i just dno wad to do anymore. nothing probably seems to feel right lately, no matter how i try.

for everyone that has been asking me of my well being. i thank you and apologize for the cause of worry, disappointment and however i may have made u feel. it's definitely a lie to say that i'm all well bcos i'm not anywhere near it either. but i guess, if u knew who i was back in 2007, you're just prolly looking at a soon to b dead man. that guy is gonna disappear from the face of this earth soon. my values stay but my perspectives is just not the same anymore...