pouring

pouring

feel like pouring out little big words tonight.

the entries of late definitely have been getting shorter and shorter.

but i know i'm going to bed tonight with:
an unsettled mind
a not-too-happy heart
and just feeling bad...

fallen. once again.

fallen. once again.

from the plateaus i rise. and i thought it would continue that way for a while. but no it didn't. expectations always seem to fall short when you think you're getting better. or maybe expectations just place an extra layer of pressure that's invisible to the conscious mind.

in the recent months, i know i was improving and getting better. but everything right till the past few weeks, just seem to come alive and turn my world right back to how it was - upside down. it's hard not to sigh. seriously.

wondering what happened, yet one just have no clue. trying to pinpoint the reason or cause, yet there's no where to trace back from. i don't know exactly how i'm feeling already. tired? or maybe not... challenged? then again..maybe not too... it feels really weird inside out. i can't seem to stay put and stabilize what's within me.

and yet, it feels no where near a struggle.

but i've fallen, undoubtedly, once again, back on this barren plateau..

i think i'll just go to sleep....

chains

chains

somehow, some things never seem to change.
time and time again, when you thought it's finally not as bad or already gone, things happen and you realize you're back at square one all over again.

these chains never seem to break. it's like when you're not struggling to break free, you don't feel the pain and tension that it's holding you back. but when you do, it feels the same all over because it's cast iron. it's so strong, the thought of just ripping apart a row makes you all weary and weak.

but of course, not all influencing variables have been changed. though it seems time itself is just not powerful enough.

someday, there'll be a breakthrough. but for now, it remains as it is, in its feeble state. vulnerable as before. barely strengthened as it seems.

i need to change this.
i must break these chains.
but the question remains.
how?