gone with the wind

gone with the wind

it's funny how i find myself here typing with nothing in mind to really blog about.

exams are coming next week. and it's the last of the exams i'll ever have in this college. have been doing revision bit by bit for the past few days. but i wonder how much is really retained inside the brain so far. it's hard to get going alright. the feeling just doesnt feel all right.

right now, i've stopped my revision for the day. but i find myself drowning in my recent playlist on iTunes, trying to find a fresh song to play on this blog. something that fits the mood...

i realise i still find myself struggling. with a lot of things. but somehow, it seems i'm making a pretty pointless attempt at finding solutions. maybe because i'm starting to fear what happens after.

it's pretty obvious either i'm trying to beat ard the bush or i'm really an empty vessel right now isn't it? judging from the lengths of my paragraphs as compared to my past posts, it's a vast difference i think. sighhh...

dennis tan.
the flamin phoenix.
where the heck are you?
or are you really dead this time?
where's your soul? where's your spirit?
just where hav you gone?

it's all a lie

it's all a lie

i'm laughing at the word phoenix. hahaha. wad a lie it feels like now. it's so unbecoming of me to be feeling like this lately. i've lost so many perspectives and focuses in the mere weeks of late but at the same time, it looks like i've gained new perspectives but it all feels just so cynical.

i'm losing the drive. no. in fact, i think i've lost it. every part of me is just going haywire and there's no way for me to rewire back. it's been so perplexing to not stop thinking and wondering. i feel like my brain's on the edge of madness if i dn stop thinking. i just wan it to shutdown, the analytical systems to shut down. i really wonder how it is like just to have some simple thoughts and not thinking anything more than that. it's just so contradicting to ask myself whether i should b listening and acting upon my heart or my mind. i'm feeling such intense physical and mental exhaustion, i just wna keep on slping (and no! it's not anything near suicidal, that is if ur tots are getting wild. i'm just so tired...)

maybe it's just me but everything has just been feeling so indifferent...or is the other way round? maybe..it's the latter. sigh..there's so many thing i wna type. but i dno where to start. i just dno wad to do anymore. nothing probably seems to feel right lately, no matter how i try.

for everyone that has been asking me of my well being. i thank you and apologize for the cause of worry, disappointment and however i may have made u feel. it's definitely a lie to say that i'm all well bcos i'm not anywhere near it either. but i guess, if u knew who i was back in 2007, you're just prolly looking at a soon to b dead man. that guy is gonna disappear from the face of this earth soon. my values stay but my perspectives is just not the same anymore...

this i wonder

this i wonder.

to the destiny to fulfil, this i wonder.

to the emotions we feel, this i wonder.

to the boundless entities of the world, this i wonder.

and to all the mysteries of life, this i wonder.

honestly, i dn think all this wondering is gonna get me anywhere. worries. thoughts. hesitation. analysis. i've been having a pretty hard time with myself and my life lately.

wadever that has been revolving around me. however way i have reacted to them. to me, there's this sort of disappointment i feel towards myself. thn i start looking back. why is this happening. thn i start looking forward. wad am i gna do. thn i come back at right where i stand and look into the mirror. who i am looking at.

sometimes, it seems life becomes so meek and what you see starts becoming myopic whn problems and bad habits get in the way and blinds you of wad is beyond.

i talked about saving the world. revolutionising it. but sometimes, it juz gets to me that...who am i kidding? the tinge of losing confidence sets in and starts reaping ur strength, spirit and soul apart. i imagine a life of adventure like any superhero fiction. but i, too, wonder if that sort of danger will ever befall this world in my lifetime. or am i just trying to live a life of a story i hav made for myself?

it's nearing the end of my diploma and i'm reliving a nostalgic history of my graduating year in secondary days. and looking at the pple all around me at this moment in time, i just wonder...are they doing what they really want? do they know what they really wna do?

how can i ever be sure if i'm doing the right thing?
how can i ever be sure if i'm doing something for a greater good/cause?

to all tis, i still wonder...