thoughts & memories
i know i'm not supposed to be thinking so much. but i juz cant stop it. it's bcome a little innate. but there's always two sides to everything. and twds thinking deep, it's good and bad. good whn applied on somethings that i analyse, question why and come up with an answer or a realisation. bad in the sense of r/s, whn some things happen in a way, and i question why too deeply into it.
and as i'm sure it's quite obvious. i've been thinking a lot, yet again.
so waz the first on my mind? well. i was thinking if i shld keep typing all these entries like that. expressing all my feelings abt the r/s, abt my hurt, abt my love, abt everything else i feel, knowing in mind that she'll prolly read it. i thot abt it for a moment. and a while later, i came back to this thot again. trying to find an answer. i felt....i shld continue. there hasnt been much of a chance for me to talk to her and she's been busy with work and like almost everyone else, she's tired. i know and i feel that she'll read wad i post. mayb not everyday. but she'll drop by now and thn. so i feel tis is at least one way i can speak out and talk to her. although it does only goes one way.
thn i thot abt her and think abt her. judging frm wad she has now. so many responsibilities. a committee to handle. her work in the holidays which tires her out so much. her family. her training. there's so many. i feel very much regretful now, that i pushed her so much during that period and placed pressure on her. i feel so selfish. sorry again. cos i dno wad to say. i only know that i'm starting to put myself in her shoes, considering a lot more of how she feels. and like wad i've said b4, i dn wna place more pressure alrdy. now. i juz wna be there for her. be by her side as long as she needs me. i juz wna share her burdens and alleviate her stress. even after the sch semester has started.
thn there was tis bothering thot which somehow still stubbornly persisted in bothering me. whn she mentioned she wasnt able to make it for training ytd and said she didn know how to explain. i looked at the msg. and for a few mins there, i was at a lost as to how i shld reply. i made a casual reply. and for almost the nxt 2 hrs, while working without much of a focus, my mind juz cant throw the thot of that msg out. my mind juz had to keep going thru the msg again and again. so much so that i actually took a few more looks at the msg, read it again and again. by the end of that 2 hrs, i looked at the msg and replied with something else. and the reply i got back frm her, well, i wun deny it did appease my worry for a moment there. but after a while, it started to bother me again. wad really was the reason. i cant help but remained worried. even till now.
and there was also tis rather tricky thot. dreams, passion and her. which one shld i choose? it's pretty hard to choose between shooting and her. it's shooting that brought me and her together. and i dn wna change that. i cant give up shooting. i cant give her up either. i haven found the answer to tis thot yet. but i definitely know. none will be given up on.
one last tot. (but it's not the end of tis entry either.) every time i took a look at her personal msg that she displays on msn. it's always the same one. but with each time i read it, i realise i understand the msg better than the prev time. and now, i think i actually do understand the sense that it's getting at. Knowing how to let go, only then can you gain something. well at least taz the translation for it. and i agree to it. fully. [to other readers: if u dn get it, it's ok. u can take ur time to think abt it. if u arent bothered by it, thn leave it as it is. it's something between both of us anyway.]
and there's memories....
i've been reading our chat logs of july and aug these few days. i realised how much we actually chat. and i really loved it. i read the chats and smile, laugh, and it feels sweet. i enjoyed reading them. and i'm not abt to make that a part of my memory. not any time soon, esp. in the nxt few years.
it's been really memorable to hav been chatting over msn and skype like that. i miss those times. it's so nice. and i would definitely love to revive those chats again. even as frens.
well as they always say, actions speak louder than words. i think it's abt time to let my actions do the talking rather than having me blogging lengthy entries over it.
i juz know inside of me. i'm not gna let tis bcome juz a part of my memory. instead, i'll make it last. last long and memorably. =)
well. that abt concludes my entry. and yes. i know it's really long. readers, pls dn complain. u can choose not to read it. although tis is the last line, so it's kinda a little too late for that since u've read up to tis line. hahahahaha.
P.S. To you: sry if it made ur eyes suffer, i know it's really that long. and i've been using Third person pronouns, i.e. "She", "her", instead of Second person pronouns, i.e. "you". it's my feelings speaking. it's juz saying how i feel.
