my hunger strikes

my hunger strikes.

7th NUSIS. 2008. 4th & final day.

physical & mental exhaustion. lack of slp.

550. last series 86.

i feel pretty lucky that i was still able to touch the 550 mark. all thanks to a great load of mental prep. although i feel pretty much emotionless to how i shot, there's still a tinge of disappointment. i'm contradicting myself. mayb it's mixed feelings again. juz prolly that tis mixture turned out to react and become clear instead.

i confess that i haven really put much time and effort into training. not being able to perform was pretty much expected. my original target was a 560. but well. i fall short of 10 pts. wad can i really say? overcommitment is bad. but undercommiting is even worse.

i dn wna start finding excuses for myself that i cannot train. i wna start training, seriously and intensively. time is a major factor. i know. my studies are taking up a lot of my time, esp projects. being in the management committee for my club is another heavy challenge. adding on to the lists? my driving lessons. all tis are prolly the only main reasons that are preventing me from training enough. the big 3. all other challenges i've set for myself tis academic semester, i can prolly treat those as excuses.

i feel really tired now.
throughout the whole competition, i was doing deep breathing exercises to calm myself down. the adrenal rush still stays in me. i need to clear it or at least minimise it, to curb my anxiety. my processes weren't really well done today. and consistency on the inside was definitely something i could hardly even achieve. feelings were constantly on the change. the deep breathing took so much of my time, that i failed to manage my time well. resulting in my last 2 series to be pretty much screwed. (esp. MY LAST SERIES!)

i really need to train. i really wan to train. i must and i will. i had enough of all tis bullshit. i need do more trainings for air rifle, including even more competition trainings. and i gna have to brush up my prone a lot too, if i ever wan to turn that investment at cck to my advantage.

i can feel that will and ability to do well. but to unleash that strength, i hav to harness it well. i firmly believe i can do better than even a 572 - a PB since 4th NUSIS, 2005. i can feel it. i can feel myself unappeased once again. the strong unsatisfaction and that hunger which is begging to devour larger appetites. i'm not happy. definitely not.

i cant stand facing the same kind of standards for...so many mths alrdy. enough is enough. it's time to get serious. it's abt time i stop fooling ard and high time that i start serious competitive training. the physical environment shall not be something i wan to live in anymore. it's the mental environment. i will fight my way back and i will stop at nth to return and go beyond where i once was.

juz wait and see. i'll make sure that happens.

sick leave

sick leave.

great. now i'm freaking down with a stupid infected throat.

well guess things are gna slow down for a while till i recover. and the worst thing is: my Common Tests are going on at this period!!! argh...

this really sucks. the right thing doesnt pop out at the time whn it's supposed to. the wrong thing ALWAYS pops out at the most inappropriate time. i guess i'm not really enjoying this year at all. fyi, tis is the second time the WRONG thing has popped out.

awww man. i hate it whn tis happens...

a thought too much?

a thought too much?

this thought came into my mind whn i was on my way home after a project meetup yesterday.

i wonder. am i really thinking too much most of the time? have i thought of things too much, into such an exaggerating or extreme extent?

i thought abt my frens' attitudes. i tot abt how they think, how they speak & how they behave. wad happened that struck tis thought in me was bcos of wad the meetup was for - the topic of the meetup, to be more specific. we were doing a long report for our module assignment. and for that to be done, we needed surveys which we hav alrdy conducted. so we collated the results ytd. but the key thing is, waz the topic.

it was abt the CCA Point System.

that may be the topic. but tis topic is juz one of the many tributaries of the main one - the values and the way of life.

we were on the topic of cca pts. so...now wad did he say. i dn really remb. but in summary, his stand was why join a cca whn there are no cca points, why work whn there's no money/salary. he finds there's no motivation in doing things with no returns. and tis was where i started my rebuttal.

the end of wad happened.
the beginning of how wild my mind tried to search for an answer.

so. like i said, am i really thinking too much?

so i imagined myself, putting myself in a situation where i juz lived like almost everyone else. thinking the same, no money no work. no points no motivation. no talk. thn i started looking ard. the pple who board the bus. the pple who were standing at bus stop and on the outside. i looked at their faces. looked at some of their haggard expressions. looked at some of their seemingly cant-be-bothered expressions. faces without visions. eyes without foresight. it might be a case of fatigue. but it cant possibly be that one whole bunch of them.

and i asked myself again. do i wan to be like them?
my heart. my body. my mind. counting down to every single nerve and muscles in my body. none of it accepted that way of living. i hate it. "we" hated it.

i couldnt stand it. i couldnt stand that thought of just being a normal lifeless person living in a society that is heading for doom.

i wanted be more than juz like everyone else. i wanted to be special. i wanted to be unique. i wanted help the world. i mayb thinking too much but it comes back to the same point again. prolly pple dn see that doom has alrdy creeped up on us. our minds are being preset wrongly. our actions has caused the nature to kill. and in the end. we cause our own deaths.

at that point. anguish filled my heart once again. that strong and unsatisfied feeling. all the "do not wants" juz kept coming from my mind:
i dn wan to stay like this.
i dn wan to be juz a normal person.
i dn wan to stand by doing nth.
i dn wan to see efforts of our human race go to a waste. if we are wiped off tis planet, wad is to become of our inventions and effort we made and put in for centuries?
i dn wan to see everyone else killing themselves.
i dn wan to live to regret all of this, bcos i nvr did anything to help.
i dn wan to see tis world i live in, juz die like that whn i could hav do something abt it.
i dn wan to stop fighting to help this world. nvr.

yes. u can say i think too much. but i cant b bothered with such comments. i wna protect this world. i wna save tis world. it looks, sounds, feels stupid...wadever it is.

it'll come one day. the doom. it might be even sooner than expected. but at least i wun regret having put in effort to help and change pple. change how they think. teach them how. instil the right values in them. build the right characters and attitudes. and the most impt part of it, it's the future generations that i'm aiming at.

i know there are a vast amt of pple out there who doesnt do things for mere materialistic gains/returns. and they are the exact pple that will bring abt the revolution.

i cant save the world alone. but i'll fight on to salvage wadever that can be saved.

i dn wna be like anyone else. and i'll nvr be!
tis will be where it all begins...