spirit of the phoenix

spirit of the phoenix

i dno how to start tis entry. i juz know that i had not made the wrong choice in making the phoenix a part of my way of life years back. that is the way a phoenix lives and behaves.

i didn really know much why i actually chose it in the start. i only knew that it has one great characteristic: it burns and dies. but it still lives and reborn from its ashes. that one character inspired me a long way, even till today. falling, failing or dying(although not literally dying) frm some obstacle doesnt stop u frm standing back up again and fight on. yes. we fall and we fail. but it's how we pick ourselves up frm the ashes and flame on once again to face against even stronger and tougher obstacles. taz wad i believe and taz why i love the phoenix. and i love myself [and not forgetting u of cos.=)]

to say that i've fully recovered frm the heartache is definitely lying to myself and you. in fact, i dn even know whn it'll recover. i'll still continue to live with that pain in my heart but that is not gna stop me from doing a whole lot of other things. and i know for sure, u wun wan me to go on wasting my life day by day. i've been thinking a lot, too much in fact. a lot from wad u said to me, and every other bit frm wad others said to me. and i feel to be myself again is wad i shld get back to. for at least i know taz the person u like.

i wun deny that i turned out thinking in a immature manner ever since i stepped on board trying for tis r/s. it made me another person. but tis has gotta changed. and it will.

i'm taking a step back to redefine the phoenix again. with a little more modifications to wad i am, wad i wna be, and wad i wna do. afterall, it's not who i am underneath, it's what i do that defines me. the way i look at it, the effort to be taken is definitely gna be painstaking. but i feel it's gna be all worth while.

the phoenix nvr dies. the flames may extinguish. but only for moments. and it relives again. each time burning with an even stronger flame which cant wait to burn bright and hot to overcome the obstacles which stand in its way.

for all i know, i'll still live strong and HOT. nth's gna kill me cos it cant. not even...ehhm...the worst case scenarios, be it physical or mental. death is physical. the spirit is what lives in me. forever. and taz wad keeps me going. for myself, my dreams and for you.

taz the soul of the phoenix.

now. on a random note.
training was bad today. AR training that is. somehow i juz couldnt get the right feeling and my glove juz cant stop slipping. darn. i need to train more. and prone is another challenge. argh. i need trainings! but i need to work! taz gotta be a solution right? hmmmmz.....

some things nvr change

some things nvr change.

it has been a while since the last time my blog entries were typed based on such a theme.

i guess it nvr changes. and cant really be changed. i set a resolution to changed the overall theme of my blog entries at the start of the year. but little did i expect, i've returned to where i left off b4 i started the year.

i tot it started out pretty well. i tot i was able to throw away those topics in my blog. but it still made its way back.

it's really strange how it can really change one person.

now my blog is still gna be filled with emotions of passions and my perception of the world. but there's a re-addition of a theme on top of these two - matters of the heart.

and as much as such matters are concerned, it has been almost a week. i'm still at much of a lost as to what to do. (i know u'll be reading this. but no matter what, i think you have every right to know how i feel.)

i fully respected ur decision and after much tots, it's juz like wad u said: it takes two hands to clap. i regret putting that pressure on you. i regret for not realising a lot of things much sooner. i regret hurting you. i wna make amendments for wad i've done wrong, i wna make improvements to wad i could hav done better.

i wna show my affection and stop hiding my feelings. i cherish tis r/s and will continue to cherish, treasure and protect it, regardless whether we're normal frens, close frens or really together.

i will wait for as long as i live, seriously. i'll not regret making decisions to wait for the person i love and i nvr will. and dn ever erase this in ur mind : i'll be always be here/there whn u need me and even wan me. i'm juz a call away.

i may not be superman yet. i may not hav super hearing to hear ur call for help. i may not hav super speed to speed down like a speeding bullet to reach your side in secs. i may not hav invulnerability to protect you frm everything else that might harm you. i may not be able to fly to ur rescue. but in the likes of superman, i still love a girl and will go all out to protect everyone, esp this girl, even if the consequences may be dire.

i'll wait and wait and wait. hopefully, from time to time, you'll drop by my fortress of solitude to see me. but i wun juz stand by in my fortress waiting for your arrival. i'll do more than juz that.
u are my main source of motivation now which triggers me to fight for my dreams and to persevere on in the face of obstacles.

all bcos u mean too much to me...

sanity

sanity.

for u who reads. i know it all sounds one sided in the prev entry. but i really wasnt myself tis morning. i was alrdy at the edge of insanity. and it really was hard for me to pull myself away frm the edge for the first time.

some things may not be true. and some things although it sounds hurtful, i did really wished for that at the point of time i typed.

but now that i've pull myself away frm the edge, i understand and feel how u feel. yet again. i cant stop apologising for wadever i was in the wrong, esp. wadever i've said and did.

truely & sincerely apologetic.

i wun wna disappoint myself and even more so, u. so let's work hard together, live our dreams, breakthrough our goals!

it means a lot to me to know that you are there for me, esp whn i need u. thank you. =)