unmask the reality

unmask the reality.

i figure i gotta type tis no matter wad. i'm kinda starting to lose my sanity. and i dno wad the hell i would really do. i juz hope i'll still live on. (damn. wad am i saying. i gotta live on, no matter wad.)

it's pretty serious i would think.

a lot has happened the past 2 days since sunday. everything juz went wrong after exams. and i really dn like it. i was hoping to very well take time to enjoy my holidays not alone but with her.

but i knew and i could sense something was totally amiss. everything wasnt right at all. and instincts were true enuf. i'm really at a lost wad to do now. everything juz screwed up. i really wna talk to her now. i'm really wna say sry.

i cannot stand the pain in my heart. it's tearing me really apart. sometimes it beats so fast and hard, i'm scared that i cant even stop it. there's literally no way to numb my heart now. i cant slp. playing games wun help. lost interest in driving, nike+, so many things. i feel so weak all of a sudden. tearing ytd nite didn help much either. i'm feeling the same. in fact, it's worse i think. i cant release tis anguish and i cant numb the ache. it's killing me. if tis goes on, i'll be suffering thru out my holidays and in the end, i doubt i might even work. someone help me.

the pierce into my heart was worse than b4. tis time it felt more like my heart is being minced up. argh!!!!

i've lost one which i knowingly kept lying to myself to hold on. but now with her, i dn wan to let her slip away again. i dn wan another person i love walking out of my life juz right this forever. it's worse than b4. she treats me almost like total strangers now. and it's really ripping me apart. (i know i'm using the same words, but i cant help it. that indescribable tormented feeling and twisted heart inside of me is unbearable.)

juz whn i tot i could really make something good out of tis r/s. tis juz had to happened. i know now it's my fault. but i dn wna lose her. i dn wna cry for another one whole week or even worse.

maybe i'm juz meant to be alone. losing someone i love. no other fear can compare to tis fear. tis fear that could very well kill me. and to numb that fear, it took me so long juz to detach myself away frm the world. i cant bear tis. maybe i shldnt hav entered into tis r/s at all, i shld hav juz stay stuck in my fortress of solitude. now all tis insanity is getting on my nerves.

i wan to salvage tis. i dn wna lose it. and all the more i dn wna let go!

i dn care wad others think anymore. i'm going all out. i cannot lose you...
i really dno waz gna happen to me tis time if i lose another love one. i dn wna know either.
i cant find the motivation like b4 to fight. i'm really tired. i tried so hard. so hard to hope that tis r/s works out. i dn wna lose it all.

tis is the week which i really need the most support. and i tot i could get it from her. but i was all wrong. i lost it all instead.

normal frens? *insane laughters*....it's not normal to me. i rather u take a gun and shoot me. you are literally ignoring me alrdy. is that still frens?

all tis talk abt being superman. it nvr seems the man of steel can fight tis things and even more the sour feeling that comes out of the heart.

i cant afford to lose you.
dn leave me. pls.
i will.....................

wasting time

wasting time.

fuck. i juz typed something fucking long. and with a few clicks. it all disappeared. this is shit.
nvm. i shall PATIENTLY typed it out again. ARGH!!! but it'd prolly turn out shorter tis time

(great. i forgot how i started. hmmmm.)

here i am sitting in a lecture now. a lecture that i have not been attending. it's marketing lecture. but i dno whether i shld even b sitting here at all.

i haven been pretty much in the mood to study since the sch reopen last wk. or rather it stretches back all the way to the start of this semester. i totally couldnt be bothered last week. i was juz coming to sch for the sake of coming. even the slightest energy to listen wasnt present.

actually i dno wad i've been really doing in school. it feels as if i'm wasting time. seriously. wad hav i learn for the past almost-3 mths. i hardly hav an idea of an answer to that question.

there's so many things to focus on. and i hav been neglecting my sch assignments. the impending deadlines for these assignments are on its way, and i can even say that some assignments hasnt even been started. there's club matters, there's assignments, there's driving and there's training also.

so many things to settle and focus. so much so that even i got stressed up and upsetted my stomach. i couldnt even enjoy my meals lately esp. last week. and it still seems to be continuing tis week.

thn again, it comes back to the ideal of why i attend to school. and that is to learn. not for the sake of doing assignments, finish them and submit it for marks. that is juz crap if i were do to that.

reflecting back from the start of tis sem, however, i seriously hasnt made much of an effort to learn or study. common test preparations reflects that very well. it's been club club club club club club club club club club club club and club.......

it's not that i'm blaming the club or anything. but rather i find that i've been overly focus on club matters that i've neglected many things at hand as well.

i've been putting priority on club matters over studies. but at this point in time, i think it's time to switch. but it's hardly possible. i would prolly hav to distribute my priorities between tis two matters rather place priority over one.

i feel multi-tasking is so not good at all or mayb it juz aint a part of me. it's like i cant put in my all into something or a specfic area of research. it leaves me doing jobs of either average quality or even poor. the effort isnt there. and it gets worse if the tasks stacks up higher and higher. i cant stand feeling like this, esp whn i know i could hav done things much better. sometimes, i really wished i could juz focus on one thing for a few years and make it good. but with so many impt tasks, i guess it's inevitable and it's definitely not easy.

my trainings hav been affected as well. disappointing and saddening. (and i still hav prone as well). i'm not sure i'll hit my targets or fall short of my expectations tis year. i juz hope i hit them, seriously.

the hell weeks of deadlines are within the nxt 3 wks. exams are in 6 wks time. driving test is exactly in 8 wks time. and trainings? oh god. i so do not know wad will happen to it.

learning? i doubt i hav been doing that. but it's abt time i start to do so.

but i've gain one thing frm the past 3 mths:
giving urself challenges is good. too many is not gna help even if u can accomplish them. tis sem proved to have had too many goals set. but looking at tis challenges in a big pic, i think i've pushed myself pretty much to actually see how well and many i could handle in one semester.

my hunger strikes

my hunger strikes.

7th NUSIS. 2008. 4th & final day.

physical & mental exhaustion. lack of slp.

550. last series 86.

i feel pretty lucky that i was still able to touch the 550 mark. all thanks to a great load of mental prep. although i feel pretty much emotionless to how i shot, there's still a tinge of disappointment. i'm contradicting myself. mayb it's mixed feelings again. juz prolly that tis mixture turned out to react and become clear instead.

i confess that i haven really put much time and effort into training. not being able to perform was pretty much expected. my original target was a 560. but well. i fall short of 10 pts. wad can i really say? overcommitment is bad. but undercommiting is even worse.

i dn wna start finding excuses for myself that i cannot train. i wna start training, seriously and intensively. time is a major factor. i know. my studies are taking up a lot of my time, esp projects. being in the management committee for my club is another heavy challenge. adding on to the lists? my driving lessons. all tis are prolly the only main reasons that are preventing me from training enough. the big 3. all other challenges i've set for myself tis academic semester, i can prolly treat those as excuses.

i feel really tired now.
throughout the whole competition, i was doing deep breathing exercises to calm myself down. the adrenal rush still stays in me. i need to clear it or at least minimise it, to curb my anxiety. my processes weren't really well done today. and consistency on the inside was definitely something i could hardly even achieve. feelings were constantly on the change. the deep breathing took so much of my time, that i failed to manage my time well. resulting in my last 2 series to be pretty much screwed. (esp. MY LAST SERIES!)

i really need to train. i really wan to train. i must and i will. i had enough of all tis bullshit. i need do more trainings for air rifle, including even more competition trainings. and i gna have to brush up my prone a lot too, if i ever wan to turn that investment at cck to my advantage.

i can feel that will and ability to do well. but to unleash that strength, i hav to harness it well. i firmly believe i can do better than even a 572 - a PB since 4th NUSIS, 2005. i can feel it. i can feel myself unappeased once again. the strong unsatisfaction and that hunger which is begging to devour larger appetites. i'm not happy. definitely not.

i cant stand facing the same kind of standards for...so many mths alrdy. enough is enough. it's time to get serious. it's abt time i stop fooling ard and high time that i start serious competitive training. the physical environment shall not be something i wan to live in anymore. it's the mental environment. i will fight my way back and i will stop at nth to return and go beyond where i once was.

juz wait and see. i'll make sure that happens.