some things nvr change

some things nvr change.

it has been a while since the last time my blog entries were typed based on such a theme.

i guess it nvr changes. and cant really be changed. i set a resolution to changed the overall theme of my blog entries at the start of the year. but little did i expect, i've returned to where i left off b4 i started the year.

i tot it started out pretty well. i tot i was able to throw away those topics in my blog. but it still made its way back.

it's really strange how it can really change one person.

now my blog is still gna be filled with emotions of passions and my perception of the world. but there's a re-addition of a theme on top of these two - matters of the heart.

and as much as such matters are concerned, it has been almost a week. i'm still at much of a lost as to what to do. (i know u'll be reading this. but no matter what, i think you have every right to know how i feel.)

i fully respected ur decision and after much tots, it's juz like wad u said: it takes two hands to clap. i regret putting that pressure on you. i regret for not realising a lot of things much sooner. i regret hurting you. i wna make amendments for wad i've done wrong, i wna make improvements to wad i could hav done better.

i wna show my affection and stop hiding my feelings. i cherish tis r/s and will continue to cherish, treasure and protect it, regardless whether we're normal frens, close frens or really together.

i will wait for as long as i live, seriously. i'll not regret making decisions to wait for the person i love and i nvr will. and dn ever erase this in ur mind : i'll be always be here/there whn u need me and even wan me. i'm juz a call away.

i may not be superman yet. i may not hav super hearing to hear ur call for help. i may not hav super speed to speed down like a speeding bullet to reach your side in secs. i may not hav invulnerability to protect you frm everything else that might harm you. i may not be able to fly to ur rescue. but in the likes of superman, i still love a girl and will go all out to protect everyone, esp this girl, even if the consequences may be dire.

i'll wait and wait and wait. hopefully, from time to time, you'll drop by my fortress of solitude to see me. but i wun juz stand by in my fortress waiting for your arrival. i'll do more than juz that.
u are my main source of motivation now which triggers me to fight for my dreams and to persevere on in the face of obstacles.

all bcos u mean too much to me...

sanity

sanity.

for u who reads. i know it all sounds one sided in the prev entry. but i really wasnt myself tis morning. i was alrdy at the edge of insanity. and it really was hard for me to pull myself away frm the edge for the first time.

some things may not be true. and some things although it sounds hurtful, i did really wished for that at the point of time i typed.

but now that i've pull myself away frm the edge, i understand and feel how u feel. yet again. i cant stop apologising for wadever i was in the wrong, esp. wadever i've said and did.

truely & sincerely apologetic.

i wun wna disappoint myself and even more so, u. so let's work hard together, live our dreams, breakthrough our goals!

it means a lot to me to know that you are there for me, esp whn i need u. thank you. =)

unmask the reality

unmask the reality.

i figure i gotta type tis no matter wad. i'm kinda starting to lose my sanity. and i dno wad the hell i would really do. i juz hope i'll still live on. (damn. wad am i saying. i gotta live on, no matter wad.)

it's pretty serious i would think.

a lot has happened the past 2 days since sunday. everything juz went wrong after exams. and i really dn like it. i was hoping to very well take time to enjoy my holidays not alone but with her.

but i knew and i could sense something was totally amiss. everything wasnt right at all. and instincts were true enuf. i'm really at a lost wad to do now. everything juz screwed up. i really wna talk to her now. i'm really wna say sry.

i cannot stand the pain in my heart. it's tearing me really apart. sometimes it beats so fast and hard, i'm scared that i cant even stop it. there's literally no way to numb my heart now. i cant slp. playing games wun help. lost interest in driving, nike+, so many things. i feel so weak all of a sudden. tearing ytd nite didn help much either. i'm feeling the same. in fact, it's worse i think. i cant release tis anguish and i cant numb the ache. it's killing me. if tis goes on, i'll be suffering thru out my holidays and in the end, i doubt i might even work. someone help me.

the pierce into my heart was worse than b4. tis time it felt more like my heart is being minced up. argh!!!!

i've lost one which i knowingly kept lying to myself to hold on. but now with her, i dn wan to let her slip away again. i dn wan another person i love walking out of my life juz right this forever. it's worse than b4. she treats me almost like total strangers now. and it's really ripping me apart. (i know i'm using the same words, but i cant help it. that indescribable tormented feeling and twisted heart inside of me is unbearable.)

juz whn i tot i could really make something good out of tis r/s. tis juz had to happened. i know now it's my fault. but i dn wna lose her. i dn wna cry for another one whole week or even worse.

maybe i'm juz meant to be alone. losing someone i love. no other fear can compare to tis fear. tis fear that could very well kill me. and to numb that fear, it took me so long juz to detach myself away frm the world. i cant bear tis. maybe i shldnt hav entered into tis r/s at all, i shld hav juz stay stuck in my fortress of solitude. now all tis insanity is getting on my nerves.

i wan to salvage tis. i dn wna lose it. and all the more i dn wna let go!

i dn care wad others think anymore. i'm going all out. i cannot lose you...
i really dno waz gna happen to me tis time if i lose another love one. i dn wna know either.
i cant find the motivation like b4 to fight. i'm really tired. i tried so hard. so hard to hope that tis r/s works out. i dn wna lose it all.

tis is the week which i really need the most support. and i tot i could get it from her. but i was all wrong. i lost it all instead.

normal frens? *insane laughters*....it's not normal to me. i rather u take a gun and shoot me. you are literally ignoring me alrdy. is that still frens?

all tis talk abt being superman. it nvr seems the man of steel can fight tis things and even more the sour feeling that comes out of the heart.

i cant afford to lose you.
dn leave me. pls.
i will.....................