a spirit in incubation

IFAWC 11/12

2012-01-05T14:59:00.002+08:00

IFAWC 11/12

this year's Inter-Formation Air Weapons Competition is the only new learning experience for me. in fact, the competition and the journey taken towards preparing for the competition itself, presented to me many more learning opportunities than I could have realised since the beginning.

Failing to meet my own goal for another competition once again, has put me into after-tears. The same feeling that had caused me to feel lousy and blame myself, once again makes its presence known. The devastation and self-blame that have weighed me down for many many years. The anguish and pain that was last felt 5 years ago. But that's only because this time, I believed a team existed. A team beside me to tell me don't give up. A team that knows the outcome was not the most important.

How could have I been so selfish these past 5 years? Shooting out there recognising that all that mattered then was myself. A self-imposed thought that I didn't even noticed. But I guess it's not too late to right the wrongs, is it?

Today was the day of my match. Caught a viral flu last week and I have, since, yet to recover from it. In fact, I don't even know if my body is dealing well. Well, it definitely doesn't seem and feel like it. From the moment I had KFC blueberry pancakes breakfast, my appetite already felt uneasy. When I started the match, I was mentally prepared to do everything., from adjusting every part of the weapon: trigger, cheek-piece, butt-plate, to integrating my soul with a weapon that was not the one I have been training with. The initial anxiety was there. It was normal. Slight tremors in the legs, etc. Everything unexpected or that wasn't part of the initial routine was recognised and I had no problems recovering. Though focus and concentration got strayed at times.

The only thing and that one thing that I had no control over was the condition of my body. I felt so weak taking every shot. Every muscle tissue in the body literally had this numb aching sensation, and with each forceful cough, more energy got expanded, muscles got weaker and weaker, the head got heavier and much heat feels trapped in the body. It was like shooting with a temperature above 38.0 degrees Celsius. You bet it sucked, big time. I barely perspired in a event that a slight perspiration was normal due to anxiety. Cold sweat was more evident, I think.

Honestly, for probably one of most rarest occasions, I felt like just giving up and have a DNF indicated beside my score. It was so hard and painful to take every shot knowing that the body could give way any time and this would be one of the worse performance at any major competition in my shooting career, ever. But I know couldn't have just give up. Because of one 294-page book that re-aligned my perspectives of being a sportsman, of being a true athlete. I had to finish what I started. And I'm proud of myself for truly having done so and be able stay calm and not swayed by so many distractions. Even though it wasn't the best performance, it wasn't a performance that guaranteed medals, I know and recognise that this was as near the best I can go. For that, I am the winner in my own league.

The preparations taken towards this very match today, also presented me many new challenges. Having been informed a month before the actual day that weapon accessories were not permitted and having trained so long in a position that had accessories attached to the weapon, I was forced to change my position and supporting grip. And I thought the biggest challenge of all was to get accustomed to the new stance in that one month period. But no, that wasn't it. Because of the inadequate time for proper training and recovery, over-training caused my supporting arm some injuries which if I persisted to train, it would have gotten worse. The only thing beneficial to the arm was rest. And how else could I have trained? The mental range - visualisation.

The rest from physically being at the range to train also allowed me more time to take time to work on my mental skills. That included picking up a book I left to pick up dust, to read. This is the same 294-page book I mentioned above. Thinking Body Dancing Mind by Chungliang Al Huang and Jerry Lynch. It is a marvellous book and anyone who is looking to improve just even one aspect of their life, business and/or sport should start reading it.

Well that's about long enough for this post. I need my rest. Don't wanna be spending my Chinese New Year in this sickly state, much less to say for my IPPT which is next week!

But most of all that cannot be missed is that I wanna extend my gratitude to the whole 9DIV/INF team, no matter what scores we achieved in these past 2 days. We are champions in our own league and recognise that we have controlled what we could and done our best. Even though it will be the only journey I would take in my service period, it has been and it will be one of the best journeys I have been on in years.

unspoken faith

2011-10-28T00:39:00.004+08:00

unspoken faith

it's been long eh. and it's been even long since i last posted a lengthy one.

well, lengthy ones happen literally only when things happen. logical, isn't it?

i don't know where to start. but after today, i think all that matters most, at least at the end of every day, are the smiles and laughters. and neither can i really put my emotions to words now because one side feels godly, the other side feels like the devil is slyly devouring me. how am i even supposed to describe such a feeling?

i don't know if i'm happy or sad. i don't if i'm angry or disappointed. i just...well *shrugs and shakes head*

it sucks.

but one thing doesn't. it's that knowing that there is something you know you can believe in but you just don't know what it is. you can't define its shape or...thing. and it's scary to take that leap of faith and let things fall in place naturally and magically. what are the chances? man! you just don't know!

belief is just that strong a driving force.

damn. how should i continue...

I still believe,

that there's a reason for every act I carry out. (because at least for every planned act, big or small, I hide details underneath that only surfaces in years to come)
that beneath the surface, much profoundness lies. (that's obvious, but no one really bothers beyond the surface. Do they? These days? Anymore?)
that growth in every aspect is essential
that life must be purposeful

I believe..

And I believe that He is watching, reading, listening to these...right here right now.

The only question lies now is, am I gonna take the leap? *deep breath in*

wonder

2011-07-30T22:28:00.004+08:00

wonder

i wonder with the rest of service time as a NSF...

will i still come back to this blog to blog from time to time. hmmm.

.
.
.
i wonder about a lot of things...

2011-03-20T01:15:00.004+08:00

wavering strength

the intensity is getting stronger
the chaos in mind is getting messier
emotions taking a roller-coaster ride
up the mountains & down the valleys

why do we, humans, always like to take things for granted?
why is it that when things have already happened that we take note of the past?
why is it that when the future is in its bleak moments that we yearn to go back in time?
i don't wish to answer. but i really wanna soak myself into the past. how i wished.

it's cold, alone.
it's scary to be left behind.
cuz there's no telling when no one's around
to watch your back
and your left & right

things are getting worse on my side
my frustration is being tested on the edge
and i need strength & encouragement

right now, all that's left of me
that replenishes the spiritual energy
is the past
and there isn't really a present concrete enough to match up to that...

what a drain of energy...
i just wish you were here..

hanging on...to what?

2011-03-13T00:29:00.007+08:00

hanging on...to what?

What are words
If you really don't mean them
When you say them
What are words
If they're only for good times
Then that's all
When it's love
Yeah you say them out loud
Those words, they never go away
They live on, even when we're gone

this lingering feeling...
those wandering moments...
the clock ticks away, and time keeps moving on
things changing and happening all around us

why do i still feel this fear?
is this fear because of this lingering feeling?

concealing the truth
lying through words
showing no emotion nor affection

so what is this feeling hanging on to...?
do i already have the answer?
perhaps...or perhaps not..

i miss you...still.

lingering emotions

2011-01-13T17:47:00.007+08:00

lingering emotions

flashbacks of you
emotions linger itself
all around me
unconsciously

the hospital was possibly
the perfect place to incubate
these emotions
yearningly

what's in and what's out

2010-10-07T00:42:00.007+08:00

what's in and what's out

haven't been really blogging in proper form. the last was...let's see. the farewell to the firebird. well, that's been about 2 months already. all the other posts are just not really normal english sentences. literature writings, chinese ramblings, and i even typed out lyrics for a song (my own lyrics). well, i definitely don't know if the song exists anywhere else. but at least i know it came out of my brain and i've never heard it before with a tune.

so what excuse can i cook up for not blogging?

busy? doubt so. i'm sure i can find time to blog.

lazy? probably contributes a certain amount.

lack of words? not really either. more like unwilling to speak.

i suddenly find myself stumbled with the disability to speak without thinking on my own blog. in fact, i find it hard to conceal my words. and probably that's why, that's the biggest reason i've barely been blogging.

oh well. back to the gist of this post.
so what have i been doing. like seriously.

august was busy with preparations.
september's been really empty. in fact, i don't even remember if i did anything fulfilling other than what they call, REST. which...had quite a consequent effect to my fitness.

so that's why there's a remedy action called Payback. and that comes in October, which i am in the midst of, now. i must say the payback i've given myself is seriously intense. Every alternate days, it's either gym or swim. and along the way, there'll be runs.

so far, if i were to look at it on the positive side, i kept up to the schedule, except one of the day. and i achieved most of the goals set for those days.

and if i were to look at it on the negative side, my runs are filled with much walking and the goals of my swims hasn't been really up to speed. in fact, of all the swimming sessions, none of it hit the target i set for that day, much less to say overshoot my target. and my right ankle is starting to feel the burning pain when i start running long distances, which definitely isn't good news either.

sad facts. poor discipline.

but at least i realised one thing. and that is how critical a role discipline plays to keep up to my training plan and achieve the goals i set for it. once the role of discipline is fulfilled, determination is all it takes to keep going. of course not forgetting, injuries are definitely not to be taken lightly.

we make choices everyday. but how well do we keep to the choices we make and the words we say? it lies in the discipline we have.

last but not least, if there's a will and you persist, there's undoubtedly a way.
it's been proven. and i'm the witness. the tiniest hope is the brightest star in the dark.

shades of the past

2010-09-22T15:27:00.003+08:00

shades of the past

i board the bus

and i found a seat

i take my place
and close my eyes

i plugged into my music
and then i open my eyes,

turn to my right

we were sitting there
holding our hands together
as if our lives entwine like vines

we were in each others' embrace
warmth never felt so real
oh we are meant to be
meant to be together

i took a walk alone
on the path of our histories
and the memories dawn on me
like they were seconds away

but as the winds blew by

the image of you in my eyes
turns to dust
and you...

we were sitting there
holding our hands together
as if our lives entwine like vines

we were in each others' embrace
warmth never felt so real
oh we are meant to be
meant to be together

but you left me
to myself
on the bus
and alone
to walk ahead

all i can see
as i look to my left
you disappearing into the air

all i can see
as i look behind
the shadows of you and mine...

and you...
you're the shades of the past...

bad days ahead

2010-09-02T12:16:00.001+08:00

bad days ahead

i'm not waking up to good mornings.
i'm dreading my start of the day.
and it sucks. a lot.

and i don't know when it's gonna be okay again.

失望

2010-09-01T22:51:00.002+08:00

失望

失望终究会变成绝望吗？
我不知道。。。

早知如此，又何必当初？
怎么了？我是不是开始后悔了？
不。。

我只是。。对我周围的一切的事物感到好失望
连续一次又一次的失望。。
真的好痛苦哦

我在这岛上生存的余地，在此如今呢?
我真的好恨自己对自己造成无用的伤害。。
矛盾的思想，无法自拔。。

生命在此有必要一直受苦吗？
哎。。。

unspoken

2010-08-28T13:04:00.003+08:00

unspoken

in this silence
i think of you
i imagine of what could have been
but thoughts were never loud in nature

in this silence
i dream of you
i live in the vivid life of my own 'reality'
but dreams. are they a reflection of reality?
or something else...

in this silence
i kept quiet
in this solitude
i felt the biting freeze

in these solitary moments
i'm confined to my thoughts
without a compass
the reflections i see
are but just blurs

principles betrayed
emotions suppressed
sensitivity in disarray
and i'm causing hurt without a conscious mind

i'm shouting loud in mind
but i guess, it's good to leave it that way
keeping much words unspoken...

a forgotten soul

2010-08-16T01:37:00.002+08:00

a forgotten soul

so shall i be.
a forgotten soul.
abandoned once and again.
never truly important.
or am i?

the phoenix flames die out
the surrounding air turns cold
the only thorough way to be void of all happenings
is to turn my back against all mankind.

and so i shall.
with no reason
nor belongings
to hold me back.

the last of me
that you'll see
is no more than my shadow
in the dark.

the day will come
when you least expect it.

2010-08-15T22:53:00.002+08:00

你不知道的事

蝴蝶眨几次眼睛，才学会飞行？
夜空洒满了星星，但几个会落地？
我飞行，但你坠落之际

多的是，你不知道的事。。。

不知是因为走出了火凤的阴影，或者是渐渐地失去了斗志力，我觉得我越挣扎我越累。
可惜的是，确实多的是，你不知道的事。

最终，我只期盼那一天。
以预备了不少与坚持的等待。。

就在那么一天。。。

我不能放弃
不到最后一分钟
每时每刻，都是充满着一线的希望

加油。。。

bring me to life

2010-08-03T01:10:00.011+08:00

bring me to life

the phoenix spirit will continue to live within me...

but it's time. maybe almost time. to change. this identity.
i'm walking out of this fire. to re-inject the purpose that once made me, me. along with a new identity.

how can you see into my eyes like open doors
leading you down into my core
where I’ve become so numb
without a soul my spirit sleeping somewhere cold
until you find it there and lead it back home

maybe this is a trying time for me to grow. a time for me to learn...
my destiny doesn't lie here. i know it. i feel it. it's too strong, it's undeniable.
i don't know who i'll be. i don't know what's this new identity. but i shall stick rooted to my principles of life. do not be swayed. do not be tempted. because it's what makes you...YOU!

most imptly, delete the phrase "give up" from your dictionary, if it ever existed.

letting go is never easy. this mythical bird has stuck with me through the toughest times. renewed me, again and yet again. but choosing to move on, may bring about new strengths and undiscovered potential.

goodbye phoenix.

learning to love

2010-07-31T22:28:00.002+08:00

learning to love

learning to love is indeed much tougher than it seems.
and it is nothing near easy at all.

Whatever you put your time, energy, and money into will become more important to you.

gathered this initial 5 points about love. there are more of course.
1) Love is patient
2) Love is kind
3) Love is not selfish
4) Love is thoughtful
5) Love is not rude

but these five are not just any simple statements. they require one to commit and act accordingly, to what is felt as genuine love. these sentences weigh heavier than they speak. and apparently, when i reflect, i realized i'm not even near. am i?

it's such an easy word many people fall into. yet when they're falling out, keeping the word is the hardest thing to do.

yet now, i can't seem to fall asleep...
with endless trains of thoughts flashing and rushing in every direction, on the multiple rail tracks in my mind. i reckon the red lights have broken and so have the train brakes.

perseverance is the only hope to making or breaking. in this learning journey.
so this bird really just have to hold on tight now...

2010-07-31T00:06:00.002+08:00

it's not the end

"Even if the sky were to fall,
we shouldn't be so depressed.
What's more, it isn't falling yet.
Nothing is confirmed.

Nothing is confirmed.
All is not lost yet."

signs

2010-07-26T23:28:00.003+08:00

signs

"Make your way home safely, for your loved ones"

Most drivers, if you were observant, would have probably notice this on the EMAS on the expressways.

I thought it's kinda heartwarming and felt it's a ringing reminder that out there you know there's someone caring for you. So no matter what, always drive safe.

And it does really dawn upon me about what I do when I drive and how I drive. And who I think about. So, yea...that's all. Short & sweet. haha.

directions

2010-07-23T00:45:00.002+08:00

directions

tell me what i should do.
tell me where i should go.
tell me how...

am i really thinking too much?

can i just burst and blow up in all directions?

pouring

2010-07-16T23:56:00.002+08:00

pouring

feel like pouring out little big words tonight.

the entries of late definitely have been getting shorter and shorter.

but i know i'm going to bed tonight with:
an unsettled mind
a not-too-happy heart
and just feeling bad...

fallen. once again.

2010-07-13T15:02:00.003+08:00

fallen. once again.

from the plateaus i rise. and i thought it would continue that way for a while. but no it didn't. expectations always seem to fall short when you think you're getting better. or maybe expectations just place an extra layer of pressure that's invisible to the conscious mind.

in the recent months, i know i was improving and getting better. but everything right till the past few weeks, just seem to come alive and turn my world right back to how it was - upside down. it's hard not to sigh. seriously.

wondering what happened, yet one just have no clue. trying to pinpoint the reason or cause, yet there's no where to trace back from. i don't know exactly how i'm feeling already. tired? or maybe not... challenged? then again..maybe not too... it feels really weird inside out. i can't seem to stay put and stabilize what's within me.

and yet, it feels no where near a struggle.

but i've fallen, undoubtedly, once again, back on this barren plateau..

i think i'll just go to sleep....

chains

2010-07-07T00:41:00.002+08:00

chains

somehow, some things never seem to change.
time and time again, when you thought it's finally not as bad or already gone, things happen and you realize you're back at square one all over again.

these chains never seem to break. it's like when you're not struggling to break free, you don't feel the pain and tension that it's holding you back. but when you do, it feels the same all over because it's cast iron. it's so strong, the thought of just ripping apart a row makes you all weary and weak.

but of course, not all influencing variables have been changed. though it seems time itself is just not powerful enough.

someday, there'll be a breakthrough. but for now, it remains as it is, in its feeble state. vulnerable as before. barely strengthened as it seems.

i need to change this.
i must break these chains.
but the question remains.
how?

immersion in emotions

2010-06-09T01:14:00.002+08:00

immersion in emotions

as i lay this body
on the soft sinking bed
the nerves unwind and
tension loosens

calming thoughts flows in
like a silent stream
slow music in the background
sets the mood

as the body sinks deeper
the mind gets left behind

it wanders in the wild
like a child who lost his mum
hoping to see a familiar face
seeking for a ray of hope

thoughts of whom or who
surface up inside of it
anxious to seek
impatient to find
creates worry and unrest
right in his mind

but all his simple mind has
was to cling on to someone
he could not afford to lose..

If You're Not the One

2010-06-02T00:09:00.002+08:00

If You're Not the One

If you're not the one then why does my soul feel glad today?
If you're not the one then why does my hand fit yours this way?
If you are not mine then why does your heart return my call?
If you are not mine would I have the strength to stand at all?

I never know what the future brings
But I know you're here with me now
We'll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with

I don't wanna run away but I can't take it, I don't understand
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am?
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

If I don't need you then why am I crying on my bed?
If I don't need you then why does your name resound in my head?
If you're not for me then why does this distance maim my life?
If you're not for me then why do I dream of you as my wife?

I don't know life so far away
But I know that its just a trip
We'll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with
And I wish that you could be the one I die with
And I'm praying you're the one I'Ve build my home with
I hope I love you all my life

I don't wanna run away but I can't take it, I don't understand
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

'Cause I miss you, body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away
And I breathe you into my heart and pray for the strength to stand today
'Cause I love you, whether it's wrong or right
And though I can't be with you tonight
You know my heart is by your side

I don’t wanna run away but I can’t take it, I don’t understand
If I’m not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

3 years of effort. a lifetime of memories.

2010-05-28T12:59:00.005+08:00

3 years of effort. a lifetime of memories.

yesterday was no doubt one of the major milestones in my life. the graduation ceremony marked the ending point for my polytechnic life and drew a new starting line for me.

taking a trip back down memory lane, it's been 3 years. it did not feel long, neither did it feel short. As Joyce made her valedictory speech, she commenced it by saying as if everything felt like yesterday. At that point, I must say, it was like: YEA right, I'm not even feeling like it's 'yesterday'. But at this point in front of this monitor, I realized as I bring myself back to those moments and present my mind vividly into the past, I feel that surge of emotions and memories of what kick-started my diploma. From the freshman orientation camp (BAoc) to my first semester and to how I found my project team which we stuck on for the rest of the semesters, the bond we shared, etc. The memories seems to flow in endlessly. And so do the emotions that well up in my eyes.

The gush of nostalgia does not end there. There was also the most important reason why I joined NP - Ngee Ann Polytechnic Shooting Club. The club presented to me as one of the toughest challenge in NP. With so many constrains as a Special Interest Group, limitations as an infant club, and a small budget, it wasn't the 'priority' club I had back in secondary school. We were just like any other club amongst the 100 over clubs in NP.

But still, it made me learn new things, gain new perspectives and devise new strategies. I met great people too. These people are the ones that continues to push this very club forward in its growth, in their own unique ways. Not only the committee but also all the members who made the club possible. Without these group of you, the club wouldn't be here.

To the drivers of the club, I have been there and done that, and so have I been watching what happens. Though the strength and driving force within you may not always be strong-will and rooted, but remember: as long as the fire still burns in you, you're not done yet. Small it(the fire) may be, but an unextinguished flame speaks three words: Never give up. Stay as a team, be united, and fight as a team! You'll only see how truly strong you can be when that happens.

Throughout these 3 years, new friendships have been formed along the way. some lasted short term, some will last forever. But no matter the case, it wasn't the period, it was about the memories created and the tie that was forged. it's been a wonderful journey, a fruitful one. Happy, Fun, Challenging, Exciting, etc. as well as Sad, Hurt, Confused, Emotional. But it's life, and it's meant to be that way isn't it? More importantly, it was the lessons learnt and how you managed it through to get to this very point in time.

I want dedicate this post to quite a number of people who've made this memorable journey very possible:
My Project Team for 5 semesters:
Raven, Jackson, Zhiheng and also Yansoon

The longest person that have stuck around Shooting Club a lot with me:
Ying Jie

The people who made the club possible up till my committee:
Sebastian Sun, Jie Hui, Damala, Ying Jie, Haocai, Kokloon, Ken, Ashryll

The committee who made the club flourish onwards:
Shiwei, Sebastian Wong, Gregory, Daniel, Morgan, Jessica, Cheryl, Estella, Hong Jun, Luqman

To the people I have closed up the social circle from just being friends, and the good times we had and bad times we shared, what we talked and everything else (in no order of importance ah!):
Damala, Ying Jie, Shiwei, Gloria, Dorcas, Cheryl, Raven, Zhiheng, Jackson

I thank you all for being part of my 3 years life in polytechnic. You have made it the BEST!

To the already graduated (only one though): Enjoy your ORD soon (while I prepare for OED - official enlistment date)

To graduates who have just graduated: Continue in your endeavors and pursuit. All the best in them.

And to all those still working hard in NP, regardless of your year, I have this to say: One chance, One choice, do it your best or don't do it! Work hard and enjoy your fabulous time at NP.

..on an ending note, still, i'll probably be seeing the un-graduated around quite often.

two-zero

2010-04-20T00:10:00.000+08:00

two-zero

two-zero. 20. twenty.

Choices & The Perfect Balance

2010-04-11T13:26:00.003+08:00

Choices & The Perfect Balance

Today has got to be my worse day ever since 2010 started. Or at least one of them.

What a messed up monthly shoot I had today!
92+91+92+85+91+90 = 541

Can this day get any worse after this post? I sure hope not. Everything is daunting on my mind and resolute now. Just what is it that I want!? Too much expectations on myself and I get an avalanche crushing me to the bottom. I feel so sick and tired of everything right now. Totally.

I went to the range today with a ready mind to shoot it right. But apparently, it turned out to be a ready mind to shoot it all wrong. My glove was slipping throughout the whole thing. I couldn't change the supporting grip because I couldn't get use to it. My target was as usual blur/smudged to the point I could not differentiate target white and target black. And I cannot find where the root of the problem is. Tried adjusting my spectacles. Did this did that. And....my emotions got the better of me. Yet again.

I think I won't mind it at all if someone just treats me as a physical punching bag and slap/punch me. I just feel so tired to retaliate.

I need to make a choice. To train is a must and a must to be more. But to train what: Prone or Air Rifle? The trade-in value of Prone is a lot of money. The trade-in value of Air Rifle is...time. Without training for Prone, it'll be hard for me to get into the national team. Without training for AR, it's equally bad because I'll never get beyond that stupid 572 boundary!

I'm feeling really restless and lethargic now. I've lost much of the mood to blog already.

Perfect balance...well it's a lot of things. Just take something, anything that you do. If you need to do it well, you need a well balance of brains and brawns. Ain't that it? But brains and brawns just don't cover enough ground. How about the 'air' and everything else? You go think about it. I'm done blogging for today...

number twenty

2010-04-02T01:05:00.002+08:00

number twenty

quite a number of days more before that number 19 turns number 20...

well, everything just doesn't seem to fit in right these days. it feels so weird. it feels so wrong. and my guess is, it's probably just me.

my irritation point is getting negative. and i'm too easily annoyed these days.

honestly, i just feel like walking out away...
what should i do! i need a sign!

cuz everythin' just feels so wrong.
and everything's like a twister growing strong.

Invictus

2010-01-19T23:38:00.014+08:00

Invictus

I dedicate this post to all readers and everyone out there in the world. It has indeed been a tough time recently. The year 2010 definitely has not got off to a good start. With undesirable weather conditions and natural disasters happening around the globe, the world is in crisis. Especially for the Haitians.

This also goes to my dearest friends, friends and everyone who are trying to hard to keep up with the pressure and the workload. It is tough. But we ain't gonna give in to let the challenge conquer us!

Invictus stands for: Unconquered, in Latin.
The movie is out there in cinemas now. So catch it before it ends and I can assure you will never regret it. (same goes for me, I have yet to catch it myself.)

The following poem is by William Ernest Henley.

I dedicate this to all who may be in crisis, under stress and pressure, demoralized and low in spirits, or just purely for reading pleasure. May you be inspired.

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate;
I am the captain of my soul.
--- William Ernest Henley (1849 - 1903)

Do not fear in the face of adversity. Stand strong and fight, for you will forge your destiny ahead.

Sometimes, you've just gotta lose

2010-01-14T17:22:00.003+08:00

Sometimes, you've just gotta lose

Ehlow Everybuddeh!

A new year, a new start! Haven't you got sick of that sentence already? It's been about a month since I last posted anything. But even the previous post was nothing much to speak about. So in actual fact, I felt like I haven't blog for a really long while. (No wonder I felt the last time I PROPERLY blogged was ages ago.)

Lots of things have been happening. 2010 ain't starting well for me. I've been clothing on a different outlook and seemed like I've been really positive, strong and fighting on and on. But somehow, it seems to struck me when thoughts just bombard my head. So afterall, I haven't been really strong. And to make things worse, there are many realisations lately which have aroused a major disappointing feeling in me.

I don't know what to make out of it. I am feeling so mixed. Thinking about what's gonna happen next and in time to come, it's good and also bad. How ironic!

Monthly shoots this month are both hopeful-turned-into-mess. That proves one thing, harboring too much hope in your mind gets you no where because you're gonna be lying out of the focus zone. At least that seems true for me. Prone was a lost of familiarity. I couldn't get into right position until the shoot was halfway through for me. That was when I started recalling and piecing together the image of the position of another shooter I was mimicking back in Nov 2009. Air Rifle? HAHAHA. It was a total lost of control. I was fighting a war in my head that morning. I doubt I was even shooting at the 10m targets. My face, after the shoot, could only be described as: darker than charcoal. SERIOUSLY. NOTHING LESS. It's been depressing so far, very depressing.

Oh and did I mention? This post is gonna be very very long. So if you wanna stop now, your eyes will be grateful of you.

Another depressing realisation: I think I've been taking many things for granted of late, especially in Shooting. First, I realised when I had to pay for this month's Air Weapons Monthly Shoot because it was a late registration, I was unwilling to pay. I first asked YJ to help me sign for the monthly shoot on the day before, which was the last day of registration! But it slipped his mind. So when I realised I haven't been registered for the shoot on the following day and I had to pay the penalty fee of $5 for late registration, the will to shoot on that Sunday diminished almost entirely. The thing here is, it was fault on my part that I did not register early for it. My friend did forget to help me with it. But I can't fault another for my own wrongdoings. It was my own responsibility as a shooter to make that effort to register. And I have not been really training regularly either. It has been like a warm-up round just before the monthly shoot. Having provided with the privileges of being a Category B shooter, it seems like I am far from maxmising these benefits given to me and delivering out the possible improvements in my performance. Just because training fees are waivered, I feel like I've lost that commitment to train, yet again. Words of Coach Song ring in my head. And it feels of a definite disappointment.

I am not sure about taking things for granted about my surroundings. I'm sure there is, too. But I haven't given much deep thought about them. This...Shooting portion, holds the most sensitive trigger to that thought of taking things for granted.

"When it comes to life the critical thing is whether you take things for granted or take them with gratitude."-G.K. Chesterton, essayist, novelist and poet.

"Life is a gift. Never take it for granted."-Sasha Azevedo, American actress, athlete and model.

War in my head reminds me of another wise sentence - You've gotta lose some battles in order to win the war. And that is also how the song - The Climb by Miley Cyrus - has been made my daily dose of spiritual ecstasy recently. That almost similar phrase/sentence from the song lyrics: Always gonna be an uphill battle, Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose. Though I know there are people and many others with different opinions about the singer, the song, the music, etc. Whatever it is, I am pretty sure it makes much sense by saying that you can't disagree with me that the lyrics of this song is wonderfully inspiring.

It's 17:20 14/01/2010 in the office now and I've gotta pause here. Because in order for me to continue the next part, I need my ecstasy to lift me back up. So...*press pause*

Then again, i'm back here. it's 12.41am now. but i guess i won't be continuing. i can't seem to get the feeling...oh well...

Earth Hour - Vote Earth

2009-12-16T17:17:00.003+08:00

Earth Hour - VOTE EARTH

To sustain the continuity of Earth's survival so that we can live, is one of man's mission. Help to make the effort to minimise Global Warming and keep the Earth alive!

it's been a while

2009-11-01T22:07:00.002+08:00

it's been a while

well. the first thing i would wanna say is, it's definitely been a while since a personal best has been set, again. but this time, it's for prone. no doubt, last month was a new personal best. but it wasn't much of an improvement. that's how i feel. but this month! it definitely is. so here's the report.

97 + 96 + 97 + 96 + 97 + 96 = 579

a whooping 579. never really expected it. but...i do know my performance today was pretty good. although a chain of several unexpected turn of events popped out here and there along the way during the monthly shoot. though i wouldn't exactly wanna go through the elaboration. it's long-winded and tiring. @.@

ahhh well. it's a satisfying performance. i'm missing one point to cut the mark. but it doesnt work that way though. gonna need an average of 3 scores to cut it. still! the best is yet to be! i still gotta keep working on it. consistency is the key here. if it's one thing i realised today, there are 3 key things I need in prone: consistency, relaxation and towel! hahaahaha! =P

i just felt along the way, when i shot, my weight kinda falls to the left. but each time i get up and get back down, it helps to remove that feeling. i still need fine-tuning in certain areas, for now. but one achievement i'm proud of now is my speed of shooting for prone. honestly, now i think there isn't really a need to aim so long at all! it's like...aiya, just shoot lar! hahaha. as long as i'm relaxed and my arms are not tensed, just pull that trigger!

BANG!....

one year later & one year ago

2009-10-04T15:16:00.003+08:00

one year later & one year ago

HOLD YOUR THOUGHTS FIRST! now let me explain the title. first, it's not just a random title. second, it has no link or relation to the previous post. totally none with regards to the content. third, well it just so happens to be a coincidence! hahaha. okay okay...that's not the explanation. then again, it actually is. if you re-read my sentence: 'now let me explain the title', so whatever sentences that followed is actually the explanation! but if i change my sentence to: 'now let me explain WHY the title', AHHH HAAAA! then it becomes different. (now, that is the beauty and cunningness of English Language. hahahahaha)

alrights. done with crapping. if you don't comprehend whatever's above. don't try too hard. there's no point trying to understand it, unless you have too much time on your hands and probably even legs. (gosh. what is becoming of me??? my amount of nonsense is increasing! O_O)

back to the main point now!

hmmmm. a year ago in October, i stopped. a year later in the exact same month (minus one day), i start again.

don't understand? i'm talking about shooting 50m smallbore(SB) rifle prone here. i stopped my training and participation in SB last year because i couldn't cope with the financial factor. it was draining my pockets out, pretty badly. and i don't think it's going to get any better this time round either. BUT i've made better plans this time. at least that's the way i see it now.

it's been a year. and yes, one full year! today's the October monthly shoot. and i only had ONE training last week. it's ONE after resting for one W-H-O-L-E year. (okay wait. instead of full or whole year. more emphasis and attention seems to be on the ONE. lol.) okay. never mind, let's just move on...

today, opens up a new peak for me. today, is the new beginning for me in this event. today, is the mark of improvement. (and no, i'm not gonna type any more todays, just in case i sound like i'm advertising for Today!)

i think i better dive into the details of today's shoot or it'll never come.

92 + 90 +95 + 91 + 97 + 96 = 561

yes. it's a new personal best...for prone, ever since last September's one which was 555. but the consistency still isn't there. it's the lack of training. position wise was getting better. i could better understand the grasp of a good position with least tension today. at least, i know now what is to ensure both(both as in right and left) shoulders and arms are relaxed. sometimes unconsciously, my left hand will apply strength to control the rifle. but when i checked my shot routine each time today before engaging in taking aim for each shot, i felt the difference of applying strength and just being relaxed. well, letting go and relax sure did alter the feeling of comfort on my left wrist. but it's for the better. haha. (i mean come on, in one of such torturous positions in shooting, what comfort is there to really talk about anyway...so might as well enjoy it.)

the other thing was my goal today wasn't really to shoot much a good score. and honestly, i didn't had much of a hope by the looks of my sighting shots. it was so dispersed. the grouping was pretty bad, in fact. and yea, my main goal today was really to just make sure i finish shooting a total of 60 shots plus sighting shots (which i shot about...18 shots) in 1 hour 30 mins. and guess what? i finished in 1 hour and.....8 mins! and yes! i felt great!!!! something much much different from the way i felt last year when i wasn't able to finish the competition in Aug and Oct!

the interesting thing here today was. i made a mistake in the number of shots i had to shoot. Not literally in the number count. But visually. because one box of bullets has 50 bullets. so i don't know what or how i was thinking but...somehow my mind was thinking there were 40 bullets on each holder. so the whole competition routine that i had in mind today was something like this: 10 mins preparation time. check the watch. keep track of the time. competition starts. check the watch again. remember the time. aim to finish within 1 hour including sighting shots. take rest for every 20 shots.

and so it began. i started shooting my sighters. bang bang bang...then i went on to start my competition shots without any rests before. (rests as in getting up and out of the position and rest) then i got up after shooting 20 shots into the competition. rested a while. check the time again. it was...40 mins into the competition. so i had 50 mins left for 40 shots more. then during the first 20 shots, i realized i totally forgot to factor in the target changing time for every shot! and i was like thinking: "shit...haw seh liao. never mind never mind. whatever it is, just chiong to finish."

so i rested, then i got back down into prone position and started again! now the trick or rather, the weird thing that happened here was that, i know i still had 40 shots to shoot and i recognized that i didn't had much time left after resting (but actually, i thought i didn't had much time left because of the bullets, with regards to the way i perceived the appearance) so i modified my competition routine. instead of resting after every 20 shots, it seemed that i just had to finish this next 40 shots all at once. but because the initial routine was to get up after every 20 shots, so when i looked at the holder for the bullets (which my mind supposedly segmented into 20 shots in the head already), so i thought the current holder had 20 remaining and i had to use another 20 from the other holder.

ok now. recall one box holds 50 bullets right? so there are 2 boxes. i used one of it for 18 shots of sighting shots. and when i started my competition. i switched to a full new box of 50. so if you do the math, after shooting my first 20 competition shots, i should have 30 left! not only 20! (my mind got mixed up and thought there were only 20!) so when i finished my last actual shot in reality, i thought i haven't finish and i continued to load! then i was like thinking again: "quick quick change target! time is running out!" *the human target changer (just in case you're wondering if it's a machine) takes the last target out* then i was like: "EH?! finished already ah? ehhhhh?!?! really meh? i thought still got 10 more shots? *confused*"

so i looked back down at my bullets. and....OOOHHHHH. my mind segmented the number wrongly. tsk!

okay. i just realized i'm not even sure if the whole explanation for this supposed-to-be-humorous weird happening is clear and understandable. but if you do understand it after reading and you're like hahaha-ing away, congratulations! if you do understand it after reading and you're not like hahaha-ing away, never mind, be consoled that you actually did understand what a chunk of messy details. but if you are none of the above 2 scenarios, then just forget it. just close the window man. stop reading. you're probably too confused already. really! (i'm sure i don't have to direct you to the CROSS sign on the top right hand corner of window, do i?)

okay. done. it's a really long post, full of crap. Totally! it's either i'm crazy, tired or maybe my hurting back is causing this unusual effect on my brain.

a month ago & a month later

2009-10-01T23:53:00.005+08:00

a month ago & a month later

i'm thinking this is gonna be quite a pretty long post tonight. but i'm not sure how it's gonna turn out eventually. maybe shorter than expected? well, we'll find out after i publish the post i guess...

it's been approximately a month since i have started my internship. i can't decide on how i should be describing it. though it doesn't fall into the positive side of categories of descriptions. it is more or less still alright. yeah....'alright' is probably the most suitable word to describe it at this point in time.

i guess i can't deny that i have definitely learnt certain things. some new stuff on the business side and....yeah just the business side of the business. lol. interacted with a different system. SAP to be exact. and that's about all that much i can say, since most of the work revolves around a routine cycle. it's literally the same cycle every other day with minimal variation in ad-hoc tasks.

but it's a month later now. and it's pretty much the same things happening around still. but not in my head. lately. my thoughts are coming back. just yesterday, i don't feel right for the job. i feel like there are so many conflicting emotions in me. i feel cooped up in a cubicle. and it sounds so much like any typical day job in this society. i feel like....i just feel like i'm in the wrong job. perhaps because of the people. perhaps because of the environment. and most probably perhaps of my interests and driving force.

from my understanding, it seems the allowance was one of the driving force for interns. but then it seems, that's not working on me. and then there is this thought that began quite a while back. the thought about which suits me best now. the frontline? being in the middle of the action? or the backend? i don't have a definite answer to this yet, but i guess this applies differently in different industries. in the automotive industry, i probably think i'll love it better being in the frontline. better so if it was in motorsports. but it's the backend now, so i guess i just gotta hang on and get through this. if not, i'm sure i'll pass.

sticking around in this job now tells me one definite thing. i can confidently say i'm not gonna stay desk-bounded and stick my head at the monitor for 8 hours a day sitting in the chair. No! No way am i gonna get comfortable in that seat!

honestly, i know very well in me that i'm not at all ready for working life. i might not ever be ready. or maybe this applies for the society here only. i have yet to pinpoint the exact reason for this yet. well i mean, since i have yet to work in a different country, of course i won't know. and maybe the reason may also be the job itself. it remains an open reason and much room for exploration.

and with that, i wonder how i'm really gonna get through another 4 months of work. equating to around 90 working days? ever since i put out that fire, things haven't seem to be getting better. rather than not, it seems to be getting worse. i hate to say it, but i kinda feel like i can be putting my life to better use instead if i don't spend 9 hours working. then again, maybe it's a matter of perspective?

i'm getting some after-thoughts too. i want to seek a life of adventure. a simple life yet filled with times of adventures. and that's exactly why i don't wanna stay desk-bounded. just today in the evening, i was looking at the newspaper. then i thought, maybe being in the middle of the action is a good idea? being a journalist? or a field reporter? okay...maybe i'll stick to journalism for a start. sounds pretty workable doesn't it? hmmm. well, i guess you gotta be in it to know it.

and in a month, there's so many things happening. unbelievably, Mother Nature has struck in consecutive days. well, almost for everything. last Saturday, Typhoon Ketsana in the Philippines cutting across to Vietnam, Cambodia and Laos. Then on Tuesday, came the 8.3 earthquake around Samoa Islands which triggered a tsunami so powerful, it could reach some Japanese island, i think. And the next day, Wednesday, the 7.6 underwater earthquake in the state of Padang in Indonesia followed by a 6.8 one somewhere near Sumatra. And now there's Typhoon Parma which seems to be coming at Philippines again. something isn't right here. that's definite. but what is? this almost-round sphere that we're standing, sitting, sleeping on, is going out of control. or is it a sign about something impending? *wonders*

oh well. guess i gotta head to bed now. it's gonna be another long day ahead again. (and looks like, it is indeed a long post!)

the transition or...

2009-08-29T02:26:00.002+08:00

the transition or...

finally, it's the last of the exams i'll ever have after 13 years of education in my 19 years of life. well, probably at least for the whole of another year. oddly, i'm not feeling any tinge of relief nor joy exuding from myself. and that is definitely not a good thing.

it's only a week of holidays before my internship starts. i really need some fresh air to breathe. Singapore's air is getting rather stale and full of stress as i breathe it in every two seconds. (but on an honest side note, the air is really getting dirty. pollution!) well hopefully, i'll have enough time to get some fresh natural air.

and then internship starts, what's it gonna be? i can only say i'll take whatever comes. sigh. the last time i said that phrase: "i'll take whatever comes", that was....i dont even remember when. but it definitely was a pretty confident phrase. Still is? Perhaps. i'm sounding pretty negative doesnt it? why am i not surprised? hur. blowing out a struggling fire was something i never expected i would do. but at least it removes one burden off the mind.

ending the last semester of a diploma education with an internship marks the start of working life as well, not on its entirety but similar. the future seems kinda meek and blur. entering into an entirely new environment is gonna feel different somehow. although there were past working experiences, this feeling i'm getting just doesnt match.

and then there comes a choice right now. probably the toughest choice i hav ever contemplated upon for the whole of my life until now. the longest ever consideration i hav given to a choice. the most times of hesitation i have gone over again and again to decide (and still doing so). and up till now, i still dont know if it'll be the right choice; if consequences will overweigh benefits, if there is even any benefits. and pardon me seriously, i know my words arent portraying much of a positive attitude. (if you, as a reader, find that the negativity [although subtle but present] in the content, is getting on your nerves, you could always press Alt+D on a Windows computer now and type someone else's blog address)

on a more random note, was chatting and the word 'start' suddenly struck me. i stumbled back on my memories. back on why i started this blog. the starting;the beginning. inevitably, i'm back on my train of thoughts again. never failed as a specialty or my forte, i presume.

gone with the wind

2009-08-19T22:45:00.000+08:00

gone with the wind

it's funny how i find myself here typing with nothing in mind to really blog about.

exams are coming next week. and it's the last of the exams i'll ever have in this college. have been doing revision bit by bit for the past few days. but i wonder how much is really retained inside the brain so far. it's hard to get going alright. the feeling just doesnt feel all right.

right now, i've stopped my revision for the day. but i find myself drowning in my recent playlist on iTunes, trying to find a fresh song to play on this blog. something that fits the mood...

i realise i still find myself struggling. with a lot of things. but somehow, it seems i'm making a pretty pointless attempt at finding solutions. maybe because i'm starting to fear what happens after.

it's pretty obvious either i'm trying to beat ard the bush or i'm really an empty vessel right now isn't it? judging from the lengths of my paragraphs as compared to my past posts, it's a vast difference i think. sighhh...

dennis tan.
the flamin phoenix.
where the heck are you?
or are you really dead this time?
where's your soul? where's your spirit?
just where hav you gone?

it's all a lie

2009-08-01T14:32:00.001+08:00

it's all a lie

i'm laughing at the word phoenix. hahaha. wad a lie it feels like now. it's so unbecoming of me to be feeling like this lately. i've lost so many perspectives and focuses in the mere weeks of late but at the same time, it looks like i've gained new perspectives but it all feels just so cynical.

i'm losing the drive. no. in fact, i think i've lost it. every part of me is just going haywire and there's no way for me to rewire back. it's been so perplexing to not stop thinking and wondering. i feel like my brain's on the edge of madness if i dn stop thinking. i just wan it to shutdown, the analytical systems to shut down. i really wonder how it is like just to have some simple thoughts and not thinking anything more than that. it's just so contradicting to ask myself whether i should b listening and acting upon my heart or my mind. i'm feeling such intense physical and mental exhaustion, i just wna keep on slping (and no! it's not anything near suicidal, that is if ur tots are getting wild. i'm just so tired...)

maybe it's just me but everything has just been feeling so indifferent...or is the other way round? maybe..it's the latter. sigh..there's so many thing i wna type. but i dno where to start. i just dno wad to do anymore. nothing probably seems to feel right lately, no matter how i try.

for everyone that has been asking me of my well being. i thank you and apologize for the cause of worry, disappointment and however i may have made u feel. it's definitely a lie to say that i'm all well bcos i'm not anywhere near it either. but i guess, if u knew who i was back in 2007, you're just prolly looking at a soon to b dead man. that guy is gonna disappear from the face of this earth soon. my values stay but my perspectives is just not the same anymore...

this i wonder

2009-07-20T15:31:00.002+08:00

this i wonder.

to the destiny to fulfil, this i wonder.

to the emotions we feel, this i wonder.

to the boundless entities of the world, this i wonder.

and to all the mysteries of life, this i wonder.

honestly, i dn think all this wondering is gonna get me anywhere. worries. thoughts. hesitation. analysis. i've been having a pretty hard time with myself and my life lately.

wadever that has been revolving around me. however way i have reacted to them. to me, there's this sort of disappointment i feel towards myself. thn i start looking back. why is this happening. thn i start looking forward. wad am i gna do. thn i come back at right where i stand and look into the mirror. who i am looking at.

sometimes, it seems life becomes so meek and what you see starts becoming myopic whn problems and bad habits get in the way and blinds you of wad is beyond.

i talked about saving the world. revolutionising it. but sometimes, it juz gets to me that...who am i kidding? the tinge of losing confidence sets in and starts reaping ur strength, spirit and soul apart. i imagine a life of adventure like any superhero fiction. but i, too, wonder if that sort of danger will ever befall this world in my lifetime. or am i just trying to live a life of a story i hav made for myself?

it's nearing the end of my diploma and i'm reliving a nostalgic history of my graduating year in secondary days. and looking at the pple all around me at this moment in time, i just wonder...are they doing what they really want? do they know what they really wna do?

how can i ever be sure if i'm doing the right thing?
how can i ever be sure if i'm doing something for a greater good/cause?

to all tis, i still wonder...

new divide

2009-06-23T23:44:00.003+08:00

new divide

new divide or not. i cant find a way to link wad i wna say with the lyrics from the song. in fact, the feelings doesnt match. or rather, wad do i hav to say? gosh. i dn even know why i'm typing tis. ok wadever it is, one thing's clear. the song is great! lol.

hmmm. now how do i make a new divide? put two round droplets of ink on a piece of paper like a colon. thn i draw a horizontal line to half them. AHHH! taz division! but to make it new. let's rotate the piece of paper. hmmm 90 degress clockwise. there you have it! it's a new divide! (did u actually find that funny? u gotta be on verge of madness to find that amusing. *rolling eyes & whistles*)

the final term of an amazingly hectic semester is about to start. after that, it's on to attachment. and that is where the new divide comes in. it's on to a new life soon. the chapter of tis book is reaching its end once again. a lot of uncertainties lie ahead right now by the way i look at it. am i gna hold on to tis past and present moments? or shld i live ahead of time? wad ensues my actions & decisions is changing every second.

humans has too many wants, too many desires, too many things to achieve. but why do we still fight for them? why do we still go so far out for these things, be it materialistic or of sentimental value?

i cant seem to focus on what i want. i cant seem to find what i truly desire. i wan this. and that. oh and that too. and that three...and it goes on. greed is the root of tis desire. yet to a certain extent, it's juz pure hunger that drives the actions. i need a new purpose. i need one direction to run towards. i need one goal. it may or may not be the ultimate goal. but i need only one focus, at least for now.

living with too many identities is tiring. the only way out is to put them all back together and divide them into no more than 2 - a nobody who lives amongst everyone else and one who paves his way towards his purpose.

a worthy experience

2009-06-12T22:21:00.003+08:00

a worthy experience.

95 + 92 + 92 + 92 + 89 + 92 = 552

sure is a nice string of 92s. if i move 3 pts from 95 to 89, it would've been 6-in-a-row! (reminds u of poker doesnt it? though poker has only 4-0f-a-kind at the most...oh well.)

NUSIS 2009 had definitely been a worthy and interesting experience tis year, at least for me. though today is only the 2nd day, it's indeed an experiential competition to learn from. Well, i shall take the chance to wish the shooters competing tmrw all the best!

i admit today's performance definitely isnt the most ideal one i was seeking for. but it's definitely one of the better ones i could give today. instead of the usual unsatisfaction i get at most competitions, i felt a different feeling today. i felt great. i felt i've learned much today. i've taken away much just from that 2-3 hrs there, preparing, firing, and ending it.

having shot qualification rounds of 60 shots at an electronic range today was my first. though shooting a 10-shot finals isnt, but 60 + sighter shots definitely is. it's a different situation. the pressure isnt as intense. and there were quite a handful of adjustments required to my routine. digital dashboards showing the series scores instantly of every single shooter at each end of the range, a slightly higher target, no guiding lines for natural alignment, a non-typically spacious table, OMEGA digital clock, an international-class sensation shooting range, and SIUS ASCOR scoring software's inner-ten-rippling effect!

the dashboard proved to b a distraction. but it wasnt major. it's not the main contribution to my average performance. there were 2 major problems today.

1) locked knees over time
2) not daring to pull the trigger (AGAIN!)

i realise my legs get more and more tense up the more i shoot and the longer i shoot. the knees juz lock themselves up and it's really uncomfortable with all the strain. been having tis problem recently and for quite a while now. i'm wondering how i can get those knees to chill. hmmm. the other major problem is the long existing, stubborn and tough-habit-to-kick problem - trigger freeze. my first competition shot didn get fired out until the third time i get into the ready position. and if not for aiming so long, my first series wouldnt hav been 95. it helped in the first series, but it wasnt gonna help in the other 5 series. why? cos i'm taking WAY WAY WAY TOO LONG TO AIM AND FIRE!!!!

but overall, the competition made me make use of an old technique to make sure the weapon is aligned with target each time i cheek-in and it helped! in fact, i hadnt use it for quite a long while already, really looooonnnng. well, that's the good point.

i guess i've much to work on lately. esp my locking knees and the related thigh/quadriceps tension. i accepted and am gladly contented with my performance today bcos for one fact i knew, i wasnt best prepared at tis point in time and i hadnt train much to really bring back the best out of me.

still, there are 2 things to keep in mind...

You wanna be a winner, you gotta believe you are one! You wanna be a champion, you gotta believe you are one too!

And, Hunger to excel is what drives actions! If you aren't hungry enough, then start getting hungrier!

atrocity

2009-04-17T12:02:00.004+08:00

atrocity

i witnessed an incorrigibly disappointing sight the other day. and man, wad really is the world turning into. i seriously think some parents of our generations are seriously contributing to some of the most major damage to bring the world closer to doom. good intentions but inability and lack of understanding and experience to execute them, turning good into worse and the worst...*sighs*

i was in the office on wednesday, preparing stuff to start work. thn there was tis parent who came into the office asking abt the details of the course blah blah blah. of which in tis case, the course was apparently the one i was gonna be conducting. it was the last session of an 8 week program. so the thing is last sessions also usually refers to tests or exams in most cases. so if you're guessing, the last session of the course is a competition.

and there was also a form that the students needed to sign and get comments on. it's the NYAA bronze award. (fyi, NYAA is national youth achievement award, for whoever who doesnt know.) and seriously, i dno waz the major fuss over THESE stupid awards.

here comes the sad part. the mother was asking "worryingly". cos her child was sick. had high fever blah blah blah. made the condition sound so bad. and thn she started asking: oh i heard that there was a test or something and thn there's the NYAA thing. like what's this NYAA. and it goes on, abt the awards, etc. and she quoted that her child said he didn wanna go cos he was sick, and judging by the condition of how i heard it, that shld be the way. but thn again, the mother just continued her sentence in almost the same instant: no. you must (let me emphasise tis. YOU MUST) go. it's a test and there's tis award. it's impt. blah blah blah.

man. the moment she blew out that sentence, my whole perception totally took a 360 degrees turn. from heaven to hell. oh come on. is health more impt than a stupid bloody test and award?! that is total bullshit. i cant believe that all those crap was coming out of her mouth. and yes, after that very sentence she said, every other thing she said was just crap to me. i dn give a damn abt wad other shit she was adding on.

of all the wadever thousand things or wad, i cant believe a parent is willing to forsake a child's health to get the so-called best for the child. best meaning paper-proven "best".

more hearing-evidence that the child isnt in the best condition. the mother wanted to pick her child up after the competition cos she didn want to hav him travel ard that much, since he was SICK. so she asked wad time would b good. but if the child was in such a condition that he cant travel ard on his own, thn to my interpretation, it can only mean he's just not well enough. (but of cos, it's opened to many other interpretations as well.) and being not well enough equates to getting more rest at home and in bed.

so has health taken a back seat over other matters like achievement? like accomplishing a task, a job, a project, an assignment? i mean come on, even such unworthy acts are making its presence well known in the working society. and bcos of that, does that hav to happen on our future generations as well? think abt it, think abt the worst. wad if the person dies along the way? and there goes everything. nothing is gonna be accomplished. all these achievements are but left with no meaning.

no one knows their own bodies best. and if they know they do not want to do something or go somewhere and if they know how far they can push their bodies during an illness, thn others, regardless of whoever it is, must very well respect their decision. taz the least they can even do. LEAST is RESPECT.

to the unsightly truth of wad has happened, i'm left with no other words to say but this. An individual's health has never been any less important than anything. It can only be more important than anything. As an athlete, I find health to be of the utmost importance. Without health, you're nothing but a living corpse.

impeccable disaster

2009-04-12T18:57:00.006+08:00

impeccable disaster

85+87+85+89+82+86 = 514

unbelievably full of 80s plus series. not even a single series that goes 90 and above. today's monthly shoot was major disaster but it also brought in a whole lot more learning points and necessary commitments to come. everything just went wrong when the shoot started. how ironic it was to feel that i was in control the whole time right until b4 the shoot.

reached the range just as preparation time started. (yes i know, it's not doing any good to reach the range right on time b4 the shoot. so i dn need reminders for that...) anyway, throughout the journey to the range, i felt in total control of time and everything. i knew i could do it. i knew i could execute wadever i shld and i knew i could finish everything on time. but somehow that did not turned out how i knew it would be.

proceeded on with the normal routine of drawing weapons and laying out the equipment while having music plugged in. checked the necessary things (almost all..), filled my pelletbox (here's one mistake already.), started to suit up and with my pants and boots done (there's another learning point made here. more likely a point relearned), i was about to do some dry-firing without the jacket. turned out i didn check my rifle all that properly and i realised something was shaky on my rifle, as i shook it. found out that it was my rear sight raiser that came loose, slightly. so there i walked to my locker, took out the sight raiser tools, and walked back and tightened my sight raiser. it was still within prep time.

couldnt be bothered with dry firing w/o jacket anymore and so i juz put the jacket on. anxiety was starting to build up and the loose sight raiser distracted my thoughts, even though i've already tightened it and double-checked it. (distractional control juz didn kick in and i couldnt recover frm that loose distraction, somehow...) by now, it was already 15 mins into the shoot. others were banging away and i was dry-firing with a few more shooters at the ending lanes.

dry-firing was a total mess. no matter how i got into position, stepping in and out of the bay to find my natural alignment, i couldn't settle down and find it. something was wrong. when i tot i felt more or less steady and started my sighter shots, the sighters juz didn help in settling me dwn to start my competition shots. stability was getting worse and worse shot after shot and holding bac the trigger longer and longer made things worse. whn i pulled my first shot, everything blew. 8 followed by 9 and by 8 and 8...and it goes on. along the first two series there were even 7s that followed. the bullseye was like a untouchable dot. somewhere in the middle of the third series, i juz couldn't stand it any longer. cutting another low 7 juz made me stop, unbutton and unzip everything. sat dwn and retied my right boots lace. felt more comfortable soon after cos the tightness of the boot was starting to hinder my comfort. but it still wasn't right.

emotional control was another major fault. not being able to release the frustration caused by poor shots, shot routines and overall stability in a less violent manner put the whole mental state in an emotional distress. part of the mind was overwhelmed by the fact that time was against me. with a vulnerable mental state of mind, the distractive predators grew both from inside and outside. my mind was a prey crying out in struggle to recover. the body grew even tense with time and it wasnt helping especially with muscles tightening up.

with all the chaos consuming me inside out, i was left with one belief to hold on to: Finish this no matter what. Just keep shooting, fast enough to clear these 60 shots by 11.15am(the end time).

by then, it didn matter to me anymore. whether it was a 7, 8, 9 or 10. trigger freezes still occurred. banging machine, and inconsistent routines were all executed. let all frustration and anxiety undo themselves in one way or another. it didn matter to me how they were all released. having not finished shooting 60 shots twiced at prone, i made sure i nvr will and ever again let that happen especially not in an event that i hav shot for nearly 6 years now. i was on the edge of misery.

it felt really miserable right after my last shot. i threw everything out. KT glove pulled out and threw. Contact glove pulled out and threw. Knobloch specs unwore and threw, and it dropped on the floor even. unbuttoned jacket, thrusting my anger into taking it off and dumping it on the chair. did the same to my inner wear. i was in total disbelief as to how i shot the whole competition.

thrown right into deep tots, i could barely even fake a smile. in a state of total disgruntlement, i juz lost it. i lost everything today...

hour of disappointment

2009-03-29T21:44:00.004+08:00

hour of disappointment

well. it's an hour. it was an hour though. an hour supposedly to b filled with hope and an effort of conservation. if you're guessing, yes, it's Earth Hour. or rather it WAS earth hour.

it was a rather disappointing spectacle i saw yesterday nite on my end, at my residence. totally pathetic bunch of ingrates, i must say. i dno abt the rest of tis nation. but it was definitely a great effort put in by the city's CBD. shutting off most lights for an hour in town area is definitely a thumbs-up, considering how much electricity the city area use. though the sad thing was, i wasnt there to lure in the darkness. haha.

i must compliment the effort the businesses put in ytd to bring out their bunch of environmentally creative ideas. and well, i did my part too, switching off lights in the house and no a/c for an hour or more in my room. (man. and i was perspiring like crazy ytd nite, adding the fact that i was alrdy ill. AGAIN...)

wad disappoints me more, or rather a whole lot more, was so many pple around my residence was still happily having their lights on and playing around. Having their living rooms brightly lit by electricity, rooms, toilets, etc. throughout that hour, i really had the urge to throw foolscaps with msges telling those pathetic lowlifes, to switch off their lights into their houses and backyard. but of cos i didn do it, apparently not wanting to be a target for complaints.

maybe they werent aware. if that was a reason, thn i accept. but if everyone's gna use that as an excuse, man, i'll give them a tight slap right in their faces. looking at those pple outside my house merrily enjoying their time away in the swimming pool, it was infuriating.

but of cos, i'm not entirely saying that there werent units that had their lights off. there was. but only a puny handful. *sighs*...looks like our planet is on its way to doom with so many of such pple. it's like no one were in the spirit for it.

something must be done next year! something better!!!

wealthy dilemma

2009-03-10T00:06:00.005+08:00

wealthy dilemma

hav been thinking pretty much the whole day about it. and it really is a hard choice to make. cos i've been switching sides here and there, unable to decide which weighs better than the other. in terms of everything. especially time. the risk factor is just filled with too many blanks. one cant know waz gna happened in the nxt few years and beyond with everything going berserk around the world. the economy. the next day of my life (ok. maybe next day is too short to have much of a difference. so probably: the following years of my life...)

there are so many reasons and factors to consider. and the more factors the more difficult tis decision gets. as i worked out my budget and typed out a purchase plan, i tot that would be it and everything would be easily thrown aside. but taking a look at my budget for times and days, it gets me thinking even more and MORE! all the wad ifs juz flows out like a river gushing to flow into the sea.

time. wealth. experience & knowledge. skills. are juz some of the many factors. just that they are those major ones. would i trade wealth over experience and knowledge gained over the years, or the other way round? maybe i shld take a long term approach of budgetting and see wad i wan to spend on in the next 5 years. but thn again wealth is nvr ending. but it is sort of impt to aid my goals in my 20s.

and if i trade my experiences in, i might lose out in time and learn some things too late which would also affect my other learning experiences. but thinking of the benefits i can reap in smaller gains over giving learning experiences up, it does seem a pretty good deal. in fact, a very ideal one actually, i think. but thn again. hmmmmmm.

looks like it goes one round to come bac to the same point. qualitative factors are rather difficult to gauge in helping to make a decision. so looks like i'll hav to stick back to quantitative analysis with figures again. many many many more figures.

wad will it be, at the end of tis decision. i wonder...

long overdue - part II

2009-03-08T21:45:00.003+08:00

long overdue -

part II

okaes. as promised. PART II.

been thinking for quite a while and it doesnt seem i could get any resolutions out. instead, it felt more like goals instead of resolutions that i wan to make. so let's juz call it goals instead.

hmmm and the list is (in no order of priority):
(1) AR - 580
(2) AR - trigger daring
(3) SB - 580 (hopefully, if i can i support my finances)
(4) train more!
(5) a car b4 my year 3 starts (hmmm...)
(6) work enough to sustain my planned budget for this year
(7) learn fruitfully and succeed in TIP (the full term spells too long)
(8) understand automotives better
(9) sharpen up my web development skills, specifically javascript and others possibly
(10) catch all the movies i wan tis year (doesnt include dwnlds. but it varies w expenses i guess)
(11) moulding np shooting team into something....

think taz more or less it. dn think i can squezze more in. cos if i do, i prolly run out of time and life.

well now, wad else can i add into tis overdue posts...hmmm. year 2009.

ok. tis year sucks. totally. seriously. january was packed. drowning in projects. and got sick soon after CNY. CNY was totally shit too. hardly ate any great stuff. thn came feb and exams. buried in slides (not books!) shooting isnt getting anywhere. it's stagnant. mayb consistent? but i doubt so. or mayb i'm juz too impatient to get somewhere. hmmmm. a rather unlucky start for 2009.

man seriously it sucks. i mean now i'm having sore throat again. prolly ate too much cashew nuts and got too heaty. stupid ulcer in my throat. it hurts and it's irritating! grrr. and i'm falling ill in like a mth after i recover. *faints*

but seriously the trigger freeze problem juz likes to stick ard. kinda hard to kick it. bad habits die hard. tsk. darn. i need to kick it. i need to KICK IT!!!!

somehow i'm finding it hard to blog tis days. my mind's becoming like an empty shell. hmmm. i really wonder why. but anyway, think i'm gna kickstart my career in web development. so if anyone has lobang for that, or ur frens need one, find me pls! wahhahahaha.

*thinking of cars* hmmm expenses is seriously gna be a big burden and headache for me tis year, if i ever get one. *shakes head and sighs* tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk. hmmmm. convenience over wealthier bank. or wealthier bank over convenience. hmmmm hmmmm hmmmm. cant find a way out of tis dilemma.

*tries to pour brain juice out* well, looks like my jug of juice is empty alrdy...

long overdue - part I

2009-02-28T01:53:00.003+08:00

long overdue -

part I

well, as kinda promised or something, blog updates are back! cos finally my exams are over and so are projects gone for good (or at least for the nxt 6-7 wks). now i hav time to type and type and type and type my long long stories. wahahaha.

see the title? it's only part I. so stay tuned for more...

now let's see. where did i stop the last time....hmmm. (exclude those posts that were not meant to be). november. hmmm. guess i'll date bac to december thn.

dn expect too much. it's pretty much summarised cos dec 2008 memories are a little fuzzy alrdy.

december. hmm. oh yea. a few days b4 i touched december. i finally passed and got my license. thn december term break was juz filled with projects and assignments. had an intensive foundational training camp for np sch team shooters, which didn quite met up to my expectations though. thn there was xmas. same old celebration stuff. nth special. made some new frens at the range b4 the year was abt to come to an end. welcome 2009 at dam's house with a bbq and countdwn with bowling at leisure park that nite. (and i remb one thing, beer and potato chips are really a bad combination. man. the taste seriously sucks. so bitter it makes ur hair stand. so dn try it at home or anywhere else. lol. unless you think you are gna like the taste of bitterness suffocating ur tastebuds)

and so to wrap 2008 up, quick and short and sweet. (here it goes):
(1) embarked on a few mths of prone mthly shoots but the training itself was dragging me into a near-financial crisis (lucky that was b4 the economic crisis came tumbling in. lol. ok that has no link. i'm not even working, as in, working with a proper job. hahaha.)
(2) (erm..) had a lot of first time experiences in the year of 2008. (though it does look like i'm gna hav my fair share of it in 2009 too.)
(3) shooting goals missed for 2008. both for AR and SB. pretty disappointing though.
(4) my second half of 2008 was more eventful than my first half. a lot of things happened so yea. lol.

ah 4get it. taz all for wrapping 2008 up. i'm like trying so hard to dig things out to end 2008. but it all feels kinda empty.

now. onwards to the year 2009! my resolutions for tis year. hmmm. well they arent really up yet. hahaha. haven gave much tot to it lar. though i know a lot would revolve ard shooting again and possibly some vehicle related stuff? man. i dno. give me a few days to think. it'll be in Part II. cant think now. mind's all cranky after examinations.

well, i guess i shall halt my Part I at tis point here.
stick around for Part II! (prolly in a few days time. PROLLY)

keeping them

2009-02-14T14:53:00.003+08:00

keeping them

tis is yet another post that didn hav to be here. but certain things made me feel i shld write this. i dno. i feel really bothered by it. and i'm feeling pretty down over it too. ever thought abt how heavy the word promise weighs. it sparked me thinking and mulling over it pretty much now.

people say it with a very lighthearted treatment to the word. i dno how many do that and i dno how many dn do that. it's like having that word out of ur mouth is so light and easy since it only takes two syllabus to pronounce that word. but seemingly putting it into action seems to be a whole different thing. well of cos it depends on what kind of promise was made.

i recall a personal msg on msn saying: if promises are meant to be broken, what is the intention of having them in the first place? well maybe promises has several different usage purposes. but. if u cant keep them, or fulfil them, why promise?

i admit i myself sometimes do commit the mistake of not being able to keep a promise. but i'll do everything i can to make up to it. i'm not making excuses for myself here. just that, it disappoints me as much to break the promise i hav for someone and much worse, if i dn even try to do something abt it. so waz ur say at keeping promises?

i guess i agree with wad was said. dn make me promises you cant keep. so better think twice or thrice the next time you to try promise yourself or someone, b4 letting that word out of your mouth. hmmmmm.

choices made. lessons learnt. hard.

2009-01-27T22:19:00.003+08:00

choices made. lessons learnt. hard.

alright. tis post shldnt be typed at all. the updates for blog would actually come much later. so there shldnt be any post today or that soon. but i guess tis is a post which by all costs, is necessary for me to type and remember, indefinitely. and it goes out to all drivers too.

prolly i hit a pretty bad patch lately. nvr seem like the past 2 lunar years are working well for me(which includes tis year). oh. but wadever. i'll get straight to the story.

i was driving today. was on way back home. with 3 other passengers, my friends. but as i was taking the turn to the road twds my hse, the car skided. totally beyond movement. result: broken front bumper, blown right front tyre, right rear tyre slightly out of alignment, and i'm guessing a lot of other important parts either broke or got out of place too. *touch wood though*

dn bother asking me wad happened. i'm not gna speak another word about after today. i will only keep the experience gained in me for a lifetime(or even beyond, if there's any)

the unlikely thing is, tis has pretty much caused me to think of several other things:
1) purchase of a car
2) regrets and disappointment

3) advanced driving

with the repair cost that seemingly is gna cost pretty much worse than a bomb. i dno wad to say to dad. i wanted to pay part of it, but he's not willing to let me. considering the costs he's bearing. i really dn wna be another financial burden with an additional vehicle. and even so, with costs aside(although cost is the major concern of an additional vehicle), the experience has gave me 2nd tots of actually purchasing a car. i really dno if i can drive, safe, anymore. i'm not sure if it was my fault or was it the car's? though i'm pretty sure i contributed much to it. i shld prolly take a break frm the roads. how long? i've got no idea, totally zero.

the regret is getting on my nerves. it's one of those very few times that i actually feel that much remorse in a/an choice/decision/action i made/did. it's hard to describe. my dad told me not to do certain things whn he lent the car to me. i'm not sure if it was much of a promise. but i took it as one, and the disappointment in myself in keeping promises seems rocket high. the situation was so dangerous. there were 3 other passengers. and they were my frens. and i dn wan anything happening to them. i wan to make sure they're out of harm's way. but everything juz wasnt in place, the car went off. the driver probably sucked. i dno wad i'm protecting.

*sighs* mayb afterall, i'm still an 18 year old "KID" that has too much adrenaline. reckless, inconsiderate, playful, irresponsible, selfish, disregardful of consequences, and wadever else u can into this category. i dno man. i dno. mayb public transport is still the best. i guess i just hav to suffer a little less slp, more fatigue and lactic build-up for going here there and everywhere for school, shooting and work.

advanced driving is something on the long road. but nvrtheless, it's on my mind. and not until then, with today's experience in hand, i guess it'll nvr stop reminding of wad happened and wad to keep in mind off. i'm not gna let tis experience turn my interest off like that. it's juz gna make me stronger, even tougher. but learn it for real. use it only whn needed. and nvr abuse it. N-e-v-e-r. NEVER.

i'm juz glad everyone were unscathed. if they were, i dno wad i'll be like now (and definitely wun even be posting tis now)

to all drivers out there on the roads, whether u read tis or not, check your vehicle no matter how long or short ur journey is every single time and drive safe and cautiously. speed only whn necessary. dn try anything u are not confident of, or u hav not learnt b4. dn learn things the hard way like i did. some choices and decisions are minor. some are major. some are etched in ur mind for good. and some will make you regret for life. (a frank comment here: i think driving schools in singapore shld really teach pple how to handle the car better. i think their practical lessons pathetically suck.)

thks everyone. thks for ur concern and worry. i'm fine. i'll always be. i'm invulnerable. i'm superman, remember? =D

thks a lot, emberwolfe. tis smile is for u. =)

scream

2008-11-07T00:38:00.002+08:00

scream.

The day your door is closed
The echoes fill your soul
It won't say which way to go
Just trust your heart

To find what you're here for
Open another door
But I'm not sure anymore
It's just so hard

i was stuck on a major dilemma ytd nite. one that i had to make a decision fast. yet i wanted it to be a good one that i wouldn't regret making. but that was juz a role. although it's not any less important, it's definitely not as major as decisions in my life.

i'm stuck on a lost highway now. one that meanders endlessly. one that nvr seems to stop trudging upwards. one that seems to have only one lost soul walking along it. this highway looks so dark and creepy. even i'm getting scared myself. it makes me feel so hopeless.

it's a rough road that keeps continuing. i tried running. i tried walking. i tried crawling. but i dn know where it will end. and whn i hit the crossroads, taz where i knew i stopped. there were only 2 paths. bcos those are the only 2 things in mind ever since recently. i dno which way to go. so i took the center path. a path that was not paved with concrete and granite but filled with sand, rocks, marshes, etc.

now i'm moving along that path. but i'm lost. i'm confused. my head is spinning. my heart is calling out to someone. my mind is wandering. and nth is working out. i'm juz not sure anymore if i shld keep walking on. i hear voices frm beyond and frm within me.

echoes surround me as the inside of me screams out. i dno who to listen to. and i wna listen to my own heart talking. but even my heart cant tell wad i shld do...

who am i? wad do i wan? where shld i go? why cant i find a way out?

i dno. i dno. i dno. i dnoooo!

i gotta fight tis! there's gotta be a way. i dno waz the right thing. i dno where i shld go.
but i know i can do it! i gotta find that pit stop.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
YES I CAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I don't know where to go
What's the right team?
I want my own thing
So bad I'm gonna scream!

I can't choose
So confused
What's it all mean?
I want my own dream
So bad I'm gonna scream!

trigger the courage

2008-10-05T14:18:00.003+08:00

trigger the courage

juz came back frm cck. frm today's prone mthly shoot. my 3rd one. and there's only two words to describe it: totally screwed.

tis time it was worse but it was better as well. well, you must be thinking doesnt that sound contradicting? well yea, it does. but it was worse than even the first prone mthly shoot i shot bcos i fell short of time again. this time i had 3 shots less. (and how much is that? 30 points. 30 POINTS LEH!!!)

the good thing is that my series scores are climbing. which is good. but the not-so-good thing is that it's not all that consistent yet. my 2nd series dipped below 90.

but coming bac to the actual question. why cant i finish another competition yet again? it's the 2nd time tis year for me to be termed DNF again....although not on the score sheet but deemed DNF by myself. and it's twice within 2 mths! this is crap.

it's my aiming time. my courage and my trigger. i realised i hav been lacking a lot of confidence and courage for a long while. few years in fact. it's not helping. it's hindering me. i gotta work on my trigger for both air and prone. courage and confidence are also two other things to build up, not only for air & prone, but also something else.

looks like one of my goals is struck off alrdy. and i really need more trainings for prone. consistent training. if it's not the financial part taz preventing me frm training more, i would've did so long ago. it's tough trying to keep up with my spending (or rather investment) in prone and at the same time, earn or save enough to recoup my savings back to a safe level of figures. i've minus-ed off so many of my spendings on all other things - clothes, fashion, unnecessary stuff, etc. i've haven spend anything on these for a long time alrdy. i wna get a new pair of shoes but i cant. i wna get a new pair of jeans but i cant either. there's so many things i cant buy now.

i wonder how long i can last in live firing if tis keeps up. getting into NTT isnt something taz gna happen tis year and definitely cutting dwn trainings in the nxt 3 mths is not gna help get me anywhere nearer NTT.

i really hav to find back that courage in me and be bold to fire. i hesitate too much. mayb taz why i'm losing so many things ard me now, which i really dn want that happening for real.

transport is another major problem at cck. oh man. darn that stupid driving licence. grrr.

(something inside of me tells me i shld leave everything behind for now and come back a few years later. shld i? i hav no idea. maybe it lacks courage again to execute.)

underneath

2008-10-04T20:01:00.002+08:00

underneath

well. it's been a while since i last blogged. tis post has been long overdue. haven had much time to blog lately i muz say. hav been too tired to last thru the nite.

the title speaks for itself. but in that word. it speaks a lot. and i'm not gna say wad are the things underlying the word either.

it's hard for me lately. i've been living every day with a lot of feelings underneath. and it's definitely not anything on the positive side, esp. for my heart. it's never ending.

i'm confused. my world is twirling round and round. and i cant decide wad i shld do. my heart knows but i'm afraid i'll take the wrong step, again.

i've been hiding a lot of myself under my shell. maybe i masked all these feelings well. maybe i did not. i dno. only she knows. only can she see it or hopefully feel it. and if you happened to be reading this, i juz wan u to know, i'm fine and my feelings for u remains the same.

apart frm the negativity, at least there was gratefulness within. grateful that we're still frens. grateful that we still talk. grateful for wadever she has done.

it's a short entry. bcos words cant describe waz lying underneath. it's beyond words...

I can be your hero, baby.
I can kiss away the pain.
I will stand by you forever.
You can take my breath away.

Hero

2008-09-29T00:16:00.003+08:00

Hero

Let me be your hero

Would you dance,
If I asked you to dance?
Would you run,
And never look back?
Would you cry,
If you saw me crying?
And would you save my soul, tonight?

Would you tremble,
If I touched your lips?
Would you laugh?
Oh please tell me this.
Now would you die,
For the one you love?
Hold me in your arms, tonight.

I can be your hero, baby.
I can kiss away the pain.
I will stand by you forever.
You can take my breath away.

Would you swear,
That you'll always be mine?
Or would you lie?
Would you run and hide?
Am I in too deep?
Have I lost my mind?
I dont care...
You're here, tonight.

I can be your hero, baby.
I can kiss away the pain.
I will stand by you forever.
You can take my breath away.

Oh, I just wanna to hold you.
I just wanna to hold you.
Oh yeah.
Am I in too deep?
Have I lost my mind?
Well I dont care...
You're here, tonight.

I can be your hero, baby.
I can kiss away the pain.
I will stand by you forever.
You can take my breath away.

I can be your hero.
I can kiss away the pain.
And I will stand by you, forever.
You can take my breath away.
You can take my breath away.

I can be your hero.

thoughts & memories

2008-09-10T23:30:00.003+08:00

thoughts & memories

i know i'm not supposed to be thinking so much. but i juz cant stop it. it's bcome a little innate. but there's always two sides to everything. and twds thinking deep, it's good and bad. good whn applied on somethings that i analyse, question why and come up with an answer or a realisation. bad in the sense of r/s, whn some things happen in a way, and i question why too deeply into it.

and as i'm sure it's quite obvious. i've been thinking a lot, yet again.

so waz the first on my mind? well. i was thinking if i shld keep typing all these entries like that. expressing all my feelings abt the r/s, abt my hurt, abt my love, abt everything else i feel, knowing in mind that she'll prolly read it. i thot abt it for a moment. and a while later, i came back to this thot again. trying to find an answer. i felt....i shld continue. there hasnt been much of a chance for me to talk to her and she's been busy with work and like almost everyone else, she's tired. i know and i feel that she'll read wad i post. mayb not everyday. but she'll drop by now and thn. so i feel tis is at least one way i can speak out and talk to her. although it does only goes one way.

thn i thot abt her and think abt her. judging frm wad she has now. so many responsibilities. a committee to handle. her work in the holidays which tires her out so much. her family. her training. there's so many. i feel very much regretful now, that i pushed her so much during that period and placed pressure on her. i feel so selfish. sorry again. cos i dno wad to say. i only know that i'm starting to put myself in her shoes, considering a lot more of how she feels. and like wad i've said b4, i dn wna place more pressure alrdy. now. i juz wna be there for her. be by her side as long as she needs me. i juz wna share her burdens and alleviate her stress. even after the sch semester has started.

thn there was tis bothering thot which somehow still stubbornly persisted in bothering me. whn she mentioned she wasnt able to make it for training ytd and said she didn know how to explain. i looked at the msg. and for a few mins there, i was at a lost as to how i shld reply. i made a casual reply. and for almost the nxt 2 hrs, while working without much of a focus, my mind juz cant throw the thot of that msg out. my mind juz had to keep going thru the msg again and again. so much so that i actually took a few more looks at the msg, read it again and again. by the end of that 2 hrs, i looked at the msg and replied with something else. and the reply i got back frm her, well, i wun deny it did appease my worry for a moment there. but after a while, it started to bother me again. wad really was the reason. i cant help but remained worried. even till now.

and there was also tis rather tricky thot. dreams, passion and her. which one shld i choose? it's pretty hard to choose between shooting and her. it's shooting that brought me and her together. and i dn wna change that. i cant give up shooting. i cant give her up either. i haven found the answer to tis thot yet. but i definitely know. none will be given up on.

one last tot. (but it's not the end of tis entry either.) every time i took a look at her personal msg that she displays on msn. it's always the same one. but with each time i read it, i realise i understand the msg better than the prev time. and now, i think i actually do understand the sense that it's getting at. Knowing how to let go, only then can you gain something. well at least taz the translation for it. and i agree to it. fully. [to other readers: if u dn get it, it's ok. u can take ur time to think abt it. if u arent bothered by it, thn leave it as it is. it's something between both of us anyway.]

and there's memories....

i've been reading our chat logs of july and aug these few days. i realised how much we actually chat. and i really loved it. i read the chats and smile, laugh, and it feels sweet. i enjoyed reading them. and i'm not abt to make that a part of my memory. not any time soon, esp. in the nxt few years.

it's been really memorable to hav been chatting over msn and skype like that. i miss those times. it's so nice. and i would definitely love to revive those chats again. even as frens.

well as they always say, actions speak louder than words. i think it's abt time to let my actions do the talking rather than having me blogging lengthy entries over it.

i juz know inside of me. i'm not gna let tis bcome juz a part of my memory. instead, i'll make it last. last long and memorably. =)

well. that abt concludes my entry. and yes. i know it's really long. readers, pls dn complain. u can choose not to read it. although tis is the last line, so it's kinda a little too late for that since u've read up to tis line. hahahahaha.

P.S. To you: sry if it made ur eyes suffer, i know it's really that long. and i've been using Third person pronouns, i.e. "She", "her", instead of Second person pronouns, i.e. "you". it's my feelings speaking. it's juz saying how i feel.

missing pieces

2008-09-06T15:10:00.004+08:00

missing pieces

tis is prolly gna be a really short entry. or at least i hope it'll be. basically cos i dn really hav time to type so long entries lately. hav a lot of work at hand to finish up.

it's been about another week. and i know i've kinda returned to myself alrdy. but it's not full. i can feel that i am who i was/am, but there's juz tis empty feeling inside of me. it's like there's missing pieces of the puzzle that cant be found. and it gets a little demotivating to continuously try to find it but to no avail.

i feel the pain and all. i know i miss you. and i know i juz feel incomplete without you. your neglect hurts me and i cant do anything about it. all my actions now are prolly small and insignificant. and i juz hope fate turns things around soon.

i can only continue to wait. continue to show my care, efforts and thoughts. continue with my life. till one day, whn u return and give me the missing pieces to complete tis puzzle.

but till thn, my love remains the same...

spirit of the phoenix

2008-09-03T00:32:00.003+08:00

spirit of the phoenix

i dno how to start tis entry. i juz know that i had not made the wrong choice in making the phoenix a part of my way of life years back. that is the way a phoenix lives and behaves.

i didn really know much why i actually chose it in the start. i only knew that it has one great characteristic: it burns and dies. but it still lives and reborn from its ashes. that one character inspired me a long way, even till today. falling, failing or dying(although not literally dying) frm some obstacle doesnt stop u frm standing back up again and fight on. yes. we fall and we fail. but it's how we pick ourselves up frm the ashes and flame on once again to face against even stronger and tougher obstacles. taz wad i believe and taz why i love the phoenix. and i love myself [and not forgetting u of cos.=)]

to say that i've fully recovered frm the heartache is definitely lying to myself and you. in fact, i dn even know whn it'll recover. i'll still continue to live with that pain in my heart but that is not gna stop me from doing a whole lot of other things. and i know for sure, u wun wan me to go on wasting my life day by day. i've been thinking a lot, too much in fact. a lot from wad u said to me, and every other bit frm wad others said to me. and i feel to be myself again is wad i shld get back to. for at least i know taz the person u like.

i wun deny that i turned out thinking in a immature manner ever since i stepped on board trying for tis r/s. it made me another person. but tis has gotta changed. and it will.

i'm taking a step back to redefine the phoenix again. with a little more modifications to wad i am, wad i wna be, and wad i wna do. afterall, it's not who i am underneath, it's what i do that defines me. the way i look at it, the effort to be taken is definitely gna be painstaking. but i feel it's gna be all worth while.

the phoenix nvr dies. the flames may extinguish. but only for moments. and it relives again. each time burning with an even stronger flame which cant wait to burn bright and hot to overcome the obstacles which stand in its way.

for all i know, i'll still live strong and HOT. nth's gna kill me cos it cant. not even...ehhm...the worst case scenarios, be it physical or mental. death is physical. the spirit is what lives in me. forever. and taz wad keeps me going. for myself, my dreams and for you.

taz the soul of the phoenix.

now. on a random note.
training was bad today. AR training that is. somehow i juz couldnt get the right feeling and my glove juz cant stop slipping. darn. i need to train more. and prone is another challenge. argh. i need trainings! but i need to work! taz gotta be a solution right? hmmmmz.....

some things nvr change

2008-08-29T21:09:00.002+08:00

some things nvr change.

it has been a while since the last time my blog entries were typed based on such a theme.

i guess it nvr changes. and cant really be changed. i set a resolution to changed the overall theme of my blog entries at the start of the year. but little did i expect, i've returned to where i left off b4 i started the year.

i tot it started out pretty well. i tot i was able to throw away those topics in my blog. but it still made its way back.

it's really strange how it can really change one person.

now my blog is still gna be filled with emotions of passions and my perception of the world. but there's a re-addition of a theme on top of these two - matters of the heart.

and as much as such matters are concerned, it has been almost a week. i'm still at much of a lost as to what to do. (i know u'll be reading this. but no matter what, i think you have every right to know how i feel.)

i fully respected ur decision and after much tots, it's juz like wad u said: it takes two hands to clap. i regret putting that pressure on you. i regret for not realising a lot of things much sooner. i regret hurting you. i wna make amendments for wad i've done wrong, i wna make improvements to wad i could hav done better.

i wna show my affection and stop hiding my feelings. i cherish tis r/s and will continue to cherish, treasure and protect it, regardless whether we're normal frens, close frens or really together.

i will wait for as long as i live, seriously. i'll not regret making decisions to wait for the person i love and i nvr will. and dn ever erase this in ur mind : i'll be always be here/there whn u need me and even wan me. i'm juz a call away.

i may not be superman yet. i may not hav super hearing to hear ur call for help. i may not hav super speed to speed down like a speeding bullet to reach your side in secs. i may not hav invulnerability to protect you frm everything else that might harm you. i may not be able to fly to ur rescue. but in the likes of superman, i still love a girl and will go all out to protect everyone, esp this girl, even if the consequences may be dire.

i'll wait and wait and wait. hopefully, from time to time, you'll drop by my fortress of solitude to see me. but i wun juz stand by in my fortress waiting for your arrival. i'll do more than juz that.
u are my main source of motivation now which triggers me to fight for my dreams and to persevere on in the face of obstacles.

all bcos u mean too much to me...

sanity

2008-08-27T00:52:00.003+08:00

sanity.

for u who reads. i know it all sounds one sided in the prev entry. but i really wasnt myself tis morning. i was alrdy at the edge of insanity. and it really was hard for me to pull myself away frm the edge for the first time.

some things may not be true. and some things although it sounds hurtful, i did really wished for that at the point of time i typed.

but now that i've pull myself away frm the edge, i understand and feel how u feel. yet again. i cant stop apologising for wadever i was in the wrong, esp. wadever i've said and did.

truely & sincerely apologetic.

i wun wna disappoint myself and even more so, u. so let's work hard together, live our dreams, breakthrough our goals!

it means a lot to me to know that you are there for me, esp whn i need u. thank you. =)

unmask the reality

2008-08-26T08:34:00.002+08:00

unmask the reality.

i figure i gotta type tis no matter wad. i'm kinda starting to lose my sanity. and i dno wad the hell i would really do. i juz hope i'll still live on. (damn. wad am i saying. i gotta live on, no matter wad.)

it's pretty serious i would think.

a lot has happened the past 2 days since sunday. everything juz went wrong after exams. and i really dn like it. i was hoping to very well take time to enjoy my holidays not alone but with her.

but i knew and i could sense something was totally amiss. everything wasnt right at all. and instincts were true enuf. i'm really at a lost wad to do now. everything juz screwed up. i really wna talk to her now. i'm really wna say sry.

i cannot stand the pain in my heart. it's tearing me really apart. sometimes it beats so fast and hard, i'm scared that i cant even stop it. there's literally no way to numb my heart now. i cant slp. playing games wun help. lost interest in driving, nike+, so many things. i feel so weak all of a sudden. tearing ytd nite didn help much either. i'm feeling the same. in fact, it's worse i think. i cant release tis anguish and i cant numb the ache. it's killing me. if tis goes on, i'll be suffering thru out my holidays and in the end, i doubt i might even work. someone help me.

the pierce into my heart was worse than b4. tis time it felt more like my heart is being minced up. argh!!!!

i've lost one which i knowingly kept lying to myself to hold on. but now with her, i dn wan to let her slip away again. i dn wan another person i love walking out of my life juz right this forever. it's worse than b4. she treats me almost like total strangers now. and it's really ripping me apart. (i know i'm using the same words, but i cant help it. that indescribable tormented feeling and twisted heart inside of me is unbearable.)

juz whn i tot i could really make something good out of tis r/s. tis juz had to happened. i know now it's my fault. but i dn wna lose her. i dn wna cry for another one whole week or even worse.

maybe i'm juz meant to be alone. losing someone i love. no other fear can compare to tis fear. tis fear that could very well kill me. and to numb that fear, it took me so long juz to detach myself away frm the world. i cant bear tis. maybe i shldnt hav entered into tis r/s at all, i shld hav juz stay stuck in my fortress of solitude. now all tis insanity is getting on my nerves.

i wan to salvage tis. i dn wna lose it. and all the more i dn wna let go!

i dn care wad others think anymore. i'm going all out. i cannot lose you...
i really dno waz gna happen to me tis time if i lose another love one. i dn wna know either.
i cant find the motivation like b4 to fight. i'm really tired. i tried so hard. so hard to hope that tis r/s works out. i dn wna lose it all.

tis is the week which i really need the most support. and i tot i could get it from her. but i was all wrong. i lost it all instead.

normal frens? *insane laughters*....it's not normal to me. i rather u take a gun and shoot me. you are literally ignoring me alrdy. is that still frens?

all tis talk abt being superman. it nvr seems the man of steel can fight tis things and even more the sour feeling that comes out of the heart.

i cant afford to lose you.
dn leave me. pls.
i will.....................

wasting time

2008-07-04T09:27:00.002+08:00

wasting time.

fuck. i juz typed something fucking long. and with a few clicks. it all disappeared. this is shit.
nvm. i shall PATIENTLY typed it out again. ARGH!!! but it'd prolly turn out shorter tis time

(great. i forgot how i started. hmmmm.)

here i am sitting in a lecture now. a lecture that i have not been attending. it's marketing lecture. but i dno whether i shld even b sitting here at all.

i haven been pretty much in the mood to study since the sch reopen last wk. or rather it stretches back all the way to the start of this semester. i totally couldnt be bothered last week. i was juz coming to sch for the sake of coming. even the slightest energy to listen wasnt present.

actually i dno wad i've been really doing in school. it feels as if i'm wasting time. seriously. wad hav i learn for the past almost-3 mths. i hardly hav an idea of an answer to that question.

there's so many things to focus on. and i hav been neglecting my sch assignments. the impending deadlines for these assignments are on its way, and i can even say that some assignments hasnt even been started. there's club matters, there's assignments, there's driving and there's training also.

so many things to settle and focus. so much so that even i got stressed up and upsetted my stomach. i couldnt even enjoy my meals lately esp. last week. and it still seems to be continuing tis week.

thn again, it comes back to the ideal of why i attend to school. and that is to learn. not for the sake of doing assignments, finish them and submit it for marks. that is juz crap if i were do to that.

reflecting back from the start of tis sem, however, i seriously hasnt made much of an effort to learn or study. common test preparations reflects that very well. it's been club club club club club club club club club club club club and club.......

it's not that i'm blaming the club or anything. but rather i find that i've been overly focus on club matters that i've neglected many things at hand as well.

i've been putting priority on club matters over studies. but at this point in time, i think it's time to switch. but it's hardly possible. i would prolly hav to distribute my priorities between tis two matters rather place priority over one.

i feel multi-tasking is so not good at all or mayb it juz aint a part of me. it's like i cant put in my all into something or a specfic area of research. it leaves me doing jobs of either average quality or even poor. the effort isnt there. and it gets worse if the tasks stacks up higher and higher. i cant stand feeling like this, esp whn i know i could hav done things much better. sometimes, i really wished i could juz focus on one thing for a few years and make it good. but with so many impt tasks, i guess it's inevitable and it's definitely not easy.

my trainings hav been affected as well. disappointing and saddening. (and i still hav prone as well). i'm not sure i'll hit my targets or fall short of my expectations tis year. i juz hope i hit them, seriously.

the hell weeks of deadlines are within the nxt 3 wks. exams are in 6 wks time. driving test is exactly in 8 wks time. and trainings? oh god. i so do not know wad will happen to it.

learning? i doubt i hav been doing that. but it's abt time i start to do so.

but i've gain one thing frm the past 3 mths:
giving urself challenges is good. too many is not gna help even if u can accomplish them. tis sem proved to have had too many goals set. but looking at tis challenges in a big pic, i think i've pushed myself pretty much to actually see how well and many i could handle in one semester.

my hunger strikes

2008-06-14T22:18:00.002+08:00

my hunger strikes.

7th NUSIS. 2008. 4th & final day.

physical & mental exhaustion. lack of slp.

550. last series 86.

i feel pretty lucky that i was still able to touch the 550 mark. all thanks to a great load of mental prep. although i feel pretty much emotionless to how i shot, there's still a tinge of disappointment. i'm contradicting myself. mayb it's mixed feelings again. juz prolly that tis mixture turned out to react and become clear instead.

i confess that i haven really put much time and effort into training. not being able to perform was pretty much expected. my original target was a 560. but well. i fall short of 10 pts. wad can i really say? overcommitment is bad. but undercommiting is even worse.

i dn wna start finding excuses for myself that i cannot train. i wna start training, seriously and intensively. time is a major factor. i know. my studies are taking up a lot of my time, esp projects. being in the management committee for my club is another heavy challenge. adding on to the lists? my driving lessons. all tis are prolly the only main reasons that are preventing me from training enough. the big 3. all other challenges i've set for myself tis academic semester, i can prolly treat those as excuses.

i feel really tired now.
throughout the whole competition, i was doing deep breathing exercises to calm myself down. the adrenal rush still stays in me. i need to clear it or at least minimise it, to curb my anxiety. my processes weren't really well done today. and consistency on the inside was definitely something i could hardly even achieve. feelings were constantly on the change. the deep breathing took so much of my time, that i failed to manage my time well. resulting in my last 2 series to be pretty much screwed. (esp. MY LAST SERIES!)

i really need to train. i really wan to train. i must and i will. i had enough of all tis bullshit. i need do more trainings for air rifle, including even more competition trainings. and i gna have to brush up my prone a lot too, if i ever wan to turn that investment at cck to my advantage.

i can feel that will and ability to do well. but to unleash that strength, i hav to harness it well. i firmly believe i can do better than even a 572 - a PB since 4th NUSIS, 2005. i can feel it. i can feel myself unappeased once again. the strong unsatisfaction and that hunger which is begging to devour larger appetites. i'm not happy. definitely not.

i cant stand facing the same kind of standards for...so many mths alrdy. enough is enough. it's time to get serious. it's abt time i stop fooling ard and high time that i start serious competitive training. the physical environment shall not be something i wan to live in anymore. it's the mental environment. i will fight my way back and i will stop at nth to return and go beyond where i once was.

juz wait and see. i'll make sure that happens.

sick leave

2008-05-31T19:36:00.004+08:00

sick leave.

great. now i'm freaking down with a stupid infected throat.

well guess things are gna slow down for a while till i recover. and the worst thing is: my Common Tests are going on at this period!!! argh...

this really sucks. the right thing doesnt pop out at the time whn it's supposed to. the wrong thing ALWAYS pops out at the most inappropriate time. i guess i'm not really enjoying this year at all. fyi, tis is the second time the WRONG thing has popped out.

awww man. i hate it whn tis happens...

a thought too much?

2008-05-26T20:26:00.006+08:00

a thought too much?

this thought came into my mind whn i was on my way home after a project meetup yesterday.

i wonder. am i really thinking too much most of the time? have i thought of things too much, into such an exaggerating or extreme extent?

i thought abt my frens' attitudes. i tot abt how they think, how they speak & how they behave. wad happened that struck tis thought in me was bcos of wad the meetup was for - the topic of the meetup, to be more specific. we were doing a long report for our module assignment. and for that to be done, we needed surveys which we hav alrdy conducted. so we collated the results ytd. but the key thing is, waz the topic.

it was abt the CCA Point System.

that may be the topic. but tis topic is juz one of the many tributaries of the main one - the values and the way of life.

we were on the topic of cca pts. so...now wad did he say. i dn really remb. but in summary, his stand was why join a cca whn there are no cca points, why work whn there's no money/salary. he finds there's no motivation in doing things with no returns. and tis was where i started my rebuttal.

the end of wad happened.
the beginning of how wild my mind tried to search for an answer.

so. like i said, am i really thinking too much?

so i imagined myself, putting myself in a situation where i juz lived like almost everyone else. thinking the same, no money no work. no points no motivation. no talk. thn i started looking ard. the pple who board the bus. the pple who were standing at bus stop and on the outside. i looked at their faces. looked at some of their haggard expressions. looked at some of their seemingly cant-be-bothered expressions. faces without visions. eyes without foresight. it might be a case of fatigue. but it cant possibly be that one whole bunch of them.

and i asked myself again. do i wan to be like them?
my heart. my body. my mind. counting down to every single nerve and muscles in my body. none of it accepted that way of living. i hate it. "we" hated it.

i couldnt stand it. i couldnt stand that thought of just being a normal lifeless person living in a society that is heading for doom.

i wanted be more than juz like everyone else. i wanted to be special. i wanted to be unique. i wanted help the world. i mayb thinking too much but it comes back to the same point again. prolly pple dn see that doom has alrdy creeped up on us. our minds are being preset wrongly. our actions has caused the nature to kill. and in the end. we cause our own deaths.

at that point. anguish filled my heart once again. that strong and unsatisfied feeling. all the "do not wants" juz kept coming from my mind:
i dn wan to stay like this.
i dn wan to be juz a normal person.
i dn wan to stand by doing nth.
i dn wan to see efforts of our human race go to a waste. if we are wiped off tis planet, wad is to become of our inventions and effort we made and put in for centuries?
i dn wan to see everyone else killing themselves.
i dn wan to live to regret all of this, bcos i nvr did anything to help.
i dn wan to see tis world i live in, juz die like that whn i could hav do something abt it.
i dn wan to stop fighting to help this world. nvr.

yes. u can say i think too much. but i cant b bothered with such comments. i wna protect this world. i wna save tis world. it looks, sounds, feels stupid...wadever it is.

it'll come one day. the doom. it might be even sooner than expected. but at least i wun regret having put in effort to help and change pple. change how they think. teach them how. instil the right values in them. build the right characters and attitudes. and the most impt part of it, it's the future generations that i'm aiming at.

i know there are a vast amt of pple out there who doesnt do things for mere materialistic gains/returns. and they are the exact pple that will bring abt the revolution.

i cant save the world alone. but i'll fight on to salvage wadever that can be saved.

i dn wna be like anyone else. and i'll nvr be!
tis will be where it all begins...

unrecognised

2008-05-11T22:52:00.004+08:00

unrecognised.

feelings of fear, frustration, anger.

it all sounds murderous. and taz precisely wad i'm frightened of at tis very moment. i've changed. so much. sometimes i dn even consciously realise it myself. i dno wad i'm becoming. it seems to have gotten worse since the last time. much much worse.

that rash, impulsive anger. unhesitative thinking. it leads me further and further to someone i've totally nvr met b4. someone i fear so much that if he takes over me, i dno wad i can do. and there's no stopping to wad i can do. esp with my crazy beliefs.

it seems so scary sometimes. but wad really made tis unrecognisable nitemare? is it bcos of all the tolerance. is it bcos of all the built-up anger. or is it bcos tis environment juz cant stop getting worse, that i had enuf of it.

i'm losing words to say. i dno waz to become of me as time goes on. that fear may very well destroy me. all i've worked for, things that i called passion & interests, it might juz wipe off my mind if ever a day i surrender to that nitemare. and i would prolly vanished frm the face of tis earth. forever.

tell me, superman, wad would u hav done if tis was happening to you.

light cars are not my type.

2008-05-06T00:55:00.002+08:00

light cars are not my type.

alrighty. finally an entry in a long long time. tis post is gna be short. i'm tired alrdy.

today's my 1st practical driving lesson. and as you can read frm the title. you shld b able to more or less think why such a title.

anyway. lesson was pretty much interesting. basically cos i'm finally able to drive a real car? not like go-karts or anything. BUT a real one. yea taz prolly the only excitement i derived today. well other than that, hmmm, i guess it's the hungry-to-learn kind of feeling all over again. seriously it's pretty interesting to actually make yourself improve and get better every practice session.

but oh well, i was pretty blur today. or prolly i acted blur. oh wadever it is. the engine stalled like so many times today. so many i lost count. and the instructor told me tis told me that. and whn he asked me tis and that, hahaha, i wasnt sure how to answer him either. lol.

one example:
instructor: so. wad do u feel happens to the car at the biting point whn the gear is in gear 1 and reverse gear.
me: one moves forward. the other moves backward.
instructor: u sure? feel again.
instructor: ok. nvm. look at tis. (the standard car logo on the window glass) feel the biting pt again. wad happens to the vehicle.
me: oh! the car goes up at reverse. thn the car goes dwn whn at gear 1.

LOL. i think i've made myself sound so stupid and blur to the instructor.

anyway. i think honda sucks. or mayb all the learning car sucks. everything is so darn light. stepping on the accelerator is as gd as not stepping. brake pedal pressure is so light until indescribable. steering is the worst! the grip is so thin. the steering resistance is so light.

compared to my dad's car. it's such a big diff. i seriously dn like light cars. it's so light. no fun in driving. cant feel anything.

my car shld b juz like my gun trigger. heavy and crisp. best! somehow, i prefer heavier resistance. hahahha. it juz feels better.

that GREAT show

2008-04-08T22:01:00.003+08:00

that GREAT show.

tis is gna be yet another controversial post.
but i guess it's inevitable.
too many observations. too many thoughts.
indescribable.

two things. two words. mercenary. &. selfish.

some pple are juz getting so mercenary tis days. but i guess it cant be blame with today's society. everyone is so fucking practical, so dictated by money. and wad are sacrificed are all the values they cultivate.

but at the sake of stripping wadever and however u behave twds urself and other pple. is it even worth it? take tis scenario for example. tis pple are ur instructors, ur teachers, ur motivators, ur frens. they helped u, they taught u, they hav a heart to benefit u in mind. yet sometimes, bcos of a puny sum of money that needs to be paid to show some gratitude twds them, u dn give in. and i'm not saying it's even a regular thing. it mayb a every few mths thing, every year thing, every few years thing?

smtimes a small gesture goes a long way that u dn even know. but to put money over values, thn i think whoever it is, is such a bastard. whether or not the thing is a necessity, it doesnt matter. unless, that thing is something u really cant afford given ur current financial status. put urself in the shoes of those pple who teach u, would they even mind if it's a necessity to see how much u pay them, so that will determine how much they'll teach u? NO. but there are yes-es as well, and tis pple, they arent fit to be teaching u at all. THEY, are another bunch of money sucking bastards.

selfish assholes. incorrigible rudeness. wad are bcoming of singaporeans? monsters?

tis is wad i observed frm the "morning rush" frm my past 2 wks of work. i take 969 to tampines frm yishun. but every morning, WITHOUT FAIL, that'll b tis bloody grp of assholes crowding together. and whichever bus that they are aiming to take, they'll juz crowd there, preventing any others frm getting in front of them. it's like a barrier. there's a few buses: 858, 969, 965(not a lot of pple rush for tis bus though)

and let's say. tis grp of pple wans to take 969. the bus 969, however, does not reach the bus stop. it stops at the back of another bus. tis bloody pple will juz rush their way twds the bus. they'll push thru w/o hesitation. and that is fucking rude, selfish, & PATHETIC.

so let's analyse, why do they resort to tis kind of behaviour? seats on the bus, is one. wanting to get on the bus so that they wun b late is another. (prolly afraid that the bus is crowded?) wad else is there? i dno man.

but the tolerance to tis kind of attitude has a limit. and such attitude is totally atrocious. dn u think? another scenario would be sg drivers on the roads, regardless of whichever country they drive in. how many drivers these days are those really courteous ones? such a majority are a bunch of selfish bastards, who scold & swear whn some other drivers screws up in front of them.

and my guess is we're in for a big GREAT show, in 2010. esp, if things doesnt improve, singapore's reputation is gna go dwn. and i'm sure those UP-THERE are gna be so damn freaking concerned abt their faces and the nation's one. and wadever i've said arent the worst things YET.

the 'broken' leg

2008-03-23T00:04:00.002+08:00

the "broken" leg.

3rd day of IT & e-Learning Fair at Funan DigitaLife Mall.

the craziest, strangest, unexpected, "disabling" thing happened to me today.

slightly after 4pm, i took off frm funan to city hall station to take the train home. and soon the FUN was abt to start. so i took the train to marina bay, ensuring that i hav a seat so i could slp! and there it was. frm marina bay, i slept all the way to yishun, w/o waking up. i was so tired i could not even feel myself anymore. and i nearly miss the stop.

tis is where all the FUN began. i had a split second decision to make. cos i was basically half conscious whn i awoke and i realise i had reached yishun station. so i was thinking, shld i juz go on to sembawang and take a u-turn bac after that, or shld i juz quickly get the hell out of there.
i took the latter. and there it was. POMP!

i got out of my seat. and i fell straight to the grd. and i was like DAMN IT, wad the hell. i couldnt even STAND, let alone walk. i think everyone was looking at me, but i couldnt give a damn anyway. i was trying damn hard to stand up, and quickly get the hell out of the train. my whole body and mind was practically not in the correct state of mind. i felt like i could faint any time.

1st fall. out of seat. 2nd fall. nxt step that i took. 3rd fall. near the pole in the centre of the train. 4th fall. juz b4 i go out of the doors. 5th fall. right outside of the doors, beyond the safety yellow lines. i was so freaking desperate to get the hell out of the train. i couldnt even hear the door closing "toot toot toot toot" sound. i dn even know whn the doors were gna close.

i felt like a total handicap at that pt in time. it was like my whole body juz fall on to the grd. i stand up with 2 legs. i fall right back, INSTANTLY. luckily, whn i got out alrdy, there was tis guy who helped me to the marble seats, with me hopping with my right leg. (my left leg was the one that "BROKE".)

while trying to recover/revive my left leg, i sat there thinking: die liao. i'm a goner tis time. i was damn scared my leg has bcome fei4 (worthless/useless in chinese). i dno wad will happen to my shooting career if that really happened.

basically, wad exactly happened between the time frm marina bay to yishun whn i slept was tis: i placed my lower right leg on my left thigh (chinese call it kiao ka). so all the way for that period of time, i juz slept in that position. and by the time i woke up, and i wanted to rush off. i could not stand at all, bcos blood was totally cut off for my left lower leg. even if i could i feel my leg intact, basically bcos the nerves are still connected, but my muscles were too weak to even support my body.

the feeling was terrible and freaky. but with such events or incidents, i think life is more exciting. hahahahaha

reassessment

2008-03-14T02:04:00.003+08:00

reassessment.

tis post was also supposed to be two days ago. that is on tuesday. but same reason. too tired. couldnt type. lol.

tis post is gna b a controversial and debating one.

i've observed some things of waz bcoming of us, humans, these few days. and sadly, i find it pretty disappointing.

there was tis encounter two days ago. on tuesday, after kaka, jor, and me left amk hub for amk mrt station. tis rather strange indian guy came up to the platform and quite politely requested/asked for 2 bucks. he explained his reason that he had some fight or riot with his step father or grandfather or smthing like that. thn i cant remb wad else he blabbered abt and he wanted to ask if he could hav that 2 bucks.

i was hesitant. the 3 of us were all hesitant, in fact. we didn give him that 2 bucks in the end, of cos. and, there goes his vulgarities. was it the correct choice? i dno. there were so many doubtful points abt why shld i/we even give him that 2 bucks. first, considering his story, that means he may turn violent, he may steal and run off. second, scolding us vulgarities whn we did not agree to give him wad he asked for. but thn again, can we blame him for that? wad if he really needs it? but to give someone money with such a kind of behavior, i think my decision will stay as a no.

such behavior, it's like a rotten apple in a whole basket of apples. taz why there are pple who starts to kill one another over small matters. wad is the world coming to? looks like that big dream of mine will need to take a major change of plans.

thn again. another scene made me analyse again. i was training today. in the range. there were tis grp of npcc shooters. (i shall not name which sch they were from). they were hardly serious. some were but most werent. fooling ard. endangering their own safety and others ard them. not handling a weapon properly, treating it like a toy. WHAT IS THIS? their t-shirts has a motto behind saying that they'll always strive to be the best. but if that is the best, thn i think if it's the worst, everyone else would have been shot and died.

the way i see it. there's a really major need to reassess how i shld really change or influence pple.

these cadets are now young. but that doesnt mean they can play ard without being conscious of safety. and wad if whn they grow up with or w/o being guided, and carry that kind of attitude still, isnt that worrying and unsafe? (thn there'll b more men carrying rifles out of the camp, terrorists-like pple. etc. is that wad the world will bcome in the future?)

thn i think abt the generations of our future. batch by batch, year by year, i can hardly see a clear road anymore and i feel great disappointment. so many pple tis days cant take much of hardships. some leaders trying to take the soft approach in every blardie way. but whn it doesnt work, those idiots juz refuse to take the hard way. where's the resilience and endurance in our followers, in our people, in us, humans? no wonder pple are saying today's generation are too pampered, and they cant take even a little hardships as compared to the past generations.

is it that bad? does everything hav to seem so hopeless? if there are that many pple that are tis way, thn i think i can alrdy c the end of the world coming.

tis is only a small observation. there's still so many more observations that are needed. the nation, and beyond. going all over the world. looking at them. observe and analyse.

i sure hope things will be more optimistic than these.

The Leap Years

2008-03-13T00:31:00.009+08:00

The Leap Years.

ok. tis post was supposed to be typed ytd. but i was too tired to do it. (even now i feel damn tired to do tis. still, i'll type it.)

The Leaps Years was a totally fantastic movie. Anyone who hasnt watch it, shld really catch it while u can. if not, buy the vcd/dvd lor. you wun regret watching the show. whether u watch it with that special someone, ur frens, family, or alone, it's still a great show.

ok. mayb the start was a little boring, a little anti-climatic, and not much of strong illustration of the story. but. BUT. hold on to ur seats. keep watching. it's the later parts that are those powerful ones. those fantastic, marvellous scenes of the movie with impactful and meaningful content that will intrigue u, that is if u understand and are able to feel the emotions (i'm not sure if those who hav watched find that the show has a tinge of abstract meaning, well taz wad i think. some juz might not understand.)

the potrayal of the storyline was done very well. not sure if it's the director's effort or the artistes' one. but i think it's the artistes that did really well in the acting of each of the roles, esp Li Lin(as Li-Ann) and Ananda (as Jeremy). The supporting roles did a great job too, adding humor, ties, and strong frenship to the show. even though i nvr read the novel at all, i can even feel the movie was a well done one. (hmm. mayb i shld start reading. thn soon i'll pick up reading. hmmmm. man. i cant imagine myself picking up reading as a hobby.)

and last but not least. the music. A PERFECT SELECTION/CHOICE of songs used in the film. most of the songs were by corrinne may. and one or two by some other singers. dno who either. the songs were fitted exactly to how it shld feel during the movie. and with the smooth tune and soothing voice, waz there more to ask.

and in a way. the movie was pretty inspirational with all the sayings by renowned writers/inventors (arhh...renowned pple lar. heck with wadever occupation they were.)

The best novelistic film I've seen thus far.

"It's Better to Have Loved & Lost, Than Never to Have Loved At All."
"It is Not in the Stars to Hold Our Destiny but in Ourselves." - William Shakespeare
"In three words, I can sum up everything I've learnt about life: It goes on" - Robert Frost
"A person often meets his destiny on the road he took to avoid it" - Jean de La Fontaine
"If you are not too long, I will wait for you all my life." - Oscar Wilde

Scars (Stronger For Life)

2008-03-12T00:13:00.004+08:00

Scars (Stronger For Life) - Corrinne May

I just want to run
Just want to hide away
Close my eyes to your gaze
Just want to leave
Don't want to hear them say
"You're no good at this"

When the world swirls with naysayers
Broken wings and torn pages
The road ahead
Drowning in my tears

Break me open
Tear me down
Into pieces
Broken crumbs
On the ground

You can mould and shape me
In your image
Breathe your life
You know I need it
Scars make us stronger for life

Losing myself
Gaining it back again
Forging strength from weakness
All that I am
All that I'm meant to be
Melting in your hands

Let the world swirl with naysayers
Pickled hearts and sour faces
What is real is what I cannot see

Break me open
Tear me down
Into pieces
Broken crumbs
On the ground
You can mould and shape me
In your image
Breathe your life
You know I need it
Scars make us stronger for life

Cut away
All within me
That won't bear fruit
Cut away
All within me

Break me open
Tear me down
Into pieces
Broken crumbs
On the ground
You can mould and shape me
In your image
Breathe your life
You know I need it
Scars make us stronger
Scars make us stronger for life

satisfaction. NO.

2008-03-09T22:54:00.003+08:00

satisfaction. NO.

back again.

blog entry of the day:
today is sunday, march 9, 2008. it started with a fine day. thn there were showers in the late afternoon. and it's also last day of IT Show 2008. lol.

hav been busy & tired lately. that explains why i haven been blogging.

today's the mthly shoot for HTNS.
well. the total score was pretty decent i could say.
559.

BUT. the series scores werent really smthing for me to boast of. cant exactly remb wad the scores are. will hav to check on that again on tuesday. there were two pretty good series, which are 4th (98) and 6th (97). but my starting few series was bad. really bad. and it pulled me down.

2nd series was an 88. so basically, the series scores were fluctuating frm one to the other. and taz really not my typical performance. it's more consistent for the past few times. i know the reason for my first three series was bcos of trigger freeze. smhow tis problem keeps coming back. and it's starting to irritate me. (it's annoying, alrite!)

hmm.
the satisfaction feeling just hasnt been in me lately. even with scores of 98 & 97, i juz dn feel right. 559 can be a pretty good score and bad as well. but it's not the score that matters more than the processes. smtimes, i juz find it so difficult to perfect my processes and remove that trigger freeze problem. training, hmm, i shld take the chance to train full time tis holidays.

50m prone.

went down to cck after the shoot(and definitely after the lunch that was served abt 1 hr later). today's training felt fruitful. but my left arm still hurts. and somehow my left index finger has that numb feeling. and i dno why. (and it's the finger!!! not the hand.)

endurance timing with smallbore rifle is now abt 35 mins. which is an improvement. but with an air rifle, i can do abt 40 min. but still, i need to improve more. (and more. and MORE!!!) didnt really took time to look at my shots after training today though. was rushing to keep the rifle by thn alrdy. so i juz dumped everything in my luggage (damn. it's gna smell again. esp whn my innerwear has not dry yet.)

the only thing that i found kinda negative was my endurance for the number of shots. 1st round, i had 40 shots continuous, with a bit of releasing to let the blood flow that is after one round of 20 shots. thn subsequent 2 rounds of 20 shots, i could not stay down for longer than one round. it was pretty tiring. actually i think i could tahan on for another set of 20 shots. but i felt if i took the rest, my shots would be better.

hmm. one thing to note was my breathing routine for prone. i need to develop a constant routine for that.

still, today felt good. but i'm still not satisfied at tis standard. i hav to train more. yes. A LOT MORE. (mayb i shld consider training full time for both. even on weekends. hmm. might not be a bad idea afterall. but that'll mean i'll hav to sacrifice a lot of things. on second tots, i think i shld consider tis properly.)

ntu invi. shoot.

2008-02-27T23:38:00.003+08:00

ntu invi. shoot.

today was the 1st day of the ntu invitational shoot.

it's been a long while since i shot such a kind of competition. a very long while. and i realise there's a lot of flaws i made today, that could well take away every effort that i put into training to at least maintain my score today.

550.

the scores have been sticking at tis level. had 552 in jan htns mthly shoot. thn i didn shoot feb htns mthly, since it was 4th day of cny(man, it's only the 4th day. eat more cookies lar. waz the hurry?) and whn i totalled up my training in feb, there were only...either 3 or 4 times for air rifle and one dry practice for prone (ONE!!! tis is bad. u know. very bad!)

well. i can only say the number of trainings plays a big part in how well u actually shoot(and of cos HOW u train. not whn u anyhow shoot for fun.) but feb was a bz mth. or mayb it's juz an excuse. i dno. mayb all these reasons shld b accounted for as excuses. i dno. u decide. exams. thn a stupid flu. which equates to one whole wk of NOTHING. the flu seriously sucked. it totally came at the wrong time. (oh wadever, it shldnt even be here in the 1st place.)

bac to ntu today. jitters somehow crawled its way back to me at the start of the comp. i was pretty nervous for some reason. i think its the pressure and the intensity of the competition that i haven felt in a super long time.

it gave me a really bad start. my normal routine were all messed up. how i suit up. which equipment i wore 1st and next, it started to mess up juz after i finish zipping "down"(in tis case it's down, not the usual zip up) my pants. thn dry firing started. i was hot. freaking hot. the anxiety prolly hyper-activated the sweat glands. i could i feel my perspiration coming out of my skin like some blardie tap water. every dry shot i take, my cheek piece got wet. (man. it's freaking crazy. i was wiping my head and gun for like every shot! taz the starting part only though)

thn. comes the game. i couldnt settle dwn with my aiming. it was shaky and the lighting was damn bright. it took me quite a while to adjust to the lighting. sighter shots sucked like i dno wad i was shooting. my gun didn felt right either. mayb it's my position, mayb it's my cheekblock, mayb the flu affected my position. there's too many maybes. the feeling juz wasnt there. and even whn it was there for a shot, it was only existent for not more than the fingers of one hand. (so yes. basically the whole competition, i juz kept shooting even whn i didn felt right.)

and the worst mistake! nvr throw ur watch/clock into ur luggage or smwhere else, ESPECIALLY whn u cant see the range clock right at the OTHER END 33 LANES away and ur shooting glasses lens are not made to fit ur actual degree. damn. it was the worst mistake i hav ever committed. by the time i finish my sighter shots, i was desperately trying to look at the time(which i cant freaking see!!!) so i had to turn ard, agar agar see wad the time was. and damn, it proved me short of time by the end of the competition. luckily, i could still finish shooting. (otherwise, i think i'm gna get a bad scolding...)

i'm juz not satisfied with my processes today. it was a big screw up. visualisation. relaxation. routine execution. i think i'll hav to go bac to the basics of mental skills once again. it's been long while since i've used mental skills intensively. and i had trigger freeze today again. it occured quite a few times.

hmm. problems are starting pop out here and there again. i guess it's time to start reflecting wad is happening...

i'll be back

2008-01-14T19:53:00.000+08:00

i'll be back.

i know i havent been keeping to one of my resolution which is blogging more often.

but seriously, ever since the start of 2008, the life juz got so much hectic all of a sudden. and i've been struggling to finish a lot of assignments lately. way too many i would say.

alrite. tis post doesnt mean much. but 3 more wks. 3 more wks and it'll b over. the assignments that is, not the exams. in the meantime, just enjoy the songs posted.

i'll be back. with an even powerful self.
just wait.

twenty-O-eight

2008-01-01T22:34:00.002+08:00

twenty-O-eight

a closing to 2007. and it's time to step into 2008.

tis year. it'll be a time & place where things are gna change. many things. big changes(hopefully that is). and waz the start of the new year w/o NYRs to kickstart twenty-O-eight?

so here they are:
minor ones
1) revamp my frenster profile.
2) change my blogskin
3) blog more
major ones
1) get into NTT via prone (PLS!)
2) get my driving license
3) 580 (air)
4) 587 (prone)

5) change general theme of blog topics

6) revitalise NPSC
7) define myself

well. let's see. 10 things.
hmm. seems easy and difficult at the same time.
well. time will tell.
that is all. cya around: TWENTY-O-EIGHT!

mayb i'm juz not ready afterall

2007-12-30T01:34:00.001+08:00

mayb i'm juz not ready afterall

2007's coming to end. everyone knows that. and 2008 is arriving. the whole of 2007 has been a new experience for me in many aspects, and a big resting period for something else. it's abt time i end the chapter 2007 in my life, and write a whole new story for 2008. a story with much much more new challenges.

let me return back to xmas and b4.

went to macau and HK for the past 5 days before xmas eve. was pretty much a shopping trip as well as a photography trip. (imagine taking 500+ photos with a 2MP camera that is 4 years back in technology. man. TOTALLY TIRING!) anyway. wun talk abt the trip, neither would i b uploading the photos. 500+ is too many, unless there's some quick uploading and sharing site for me to do it.

bac in sg. xmas was 2 days away. got presents ready by xmas eve. celebrated xmas on the day itself as usual every year at my uncle's place. but oh well, nth much interesting abt it. juz ate, enjoy photos, receive & open presents, and adios.

wad was interesting was smthing that happen on thurs night, very late night that is. initiated a chat with her. thinking in mind she had already seen my greeting card. i was kinda lost for words on wad to say. but the thing was, she hadnt exactly receive it. it's still in her mailbox which has yet to be opened. so...phew? well, the chat went fine. but i dn even wna think abt waz gna happen after she has read the contents in my card. i sure hope she'll reply after she reads it, but i'm guessing she's gna say something that i already know.

so taz kinda it for this part of the entry, which isnt really related to the title.

now. theses tots have been going thru my mind ever since i made that final decision i wan to tell her, which was like abt a mth ago? i've been thinking, for 2008 and for the future of my future, i dno if i really wna choose to fall in love, marry, or wadsoever. of cos the sight of couples, do at times makes me jealous, makes me long for her to be by my side. but thn i think again, maybe tis aint the future i would eventually yearn for. or is tis juz a impulsive thought?

looking at myself in the future, it seems i hav a lot in mind to pursue. shooting is definitely one of them. astronomy itself, is becoming much of a hobby for me. and thn the hit drama, HEROES, is starting to fascinate me so much, that i think evolution is something truely interesting. and of cos i'm referrring to the evolution of humans. there's also quantum physics that i might take a look into, and of cos one more, that biggest, most difficult dream i wan for my life. all these things, it'll prolly take the rest of my life to do, to research, to learn, etc.

thn i ask myself. to put wad i wan in life over love. or to put love over wad i wan in life. i asked myself if i was actually ready for waz called love. to do so many things as an individual, not being tied down by many things, such as love, family, etc. is this good? or having to share all this interests, having to do all this together with someone, isnt it better? but thn again, how many out there are really that specifically crazy over tis things, and waz the chances of finding the special one within those crazy ones? i'm sure she isnt one of them, or rather most likely not one of them. and whn the world turns crazy one day, and whn doing wad i wna do has become more dangerous than it seems, waz gna happen to all those i ever loved. mayb being a lonewolf isnt that bad afterall.

but who knows, mayb that one person do really exist.
but as it is now, i cant see the difference between ready and not being ready.

tell me waz right and wrong

2007-12-03T19:36:00.000+08:00

tell me waz right & wrong

i'm losing motivation to do many things. studies is one of them. i wasted the whole weekend doing nothing at all. just lazing around for two whole days. sleeping away. something is just not right here. i seem to hav said this sentence over and over again. and i dno why i do that.

it's just that one feeling to get me away from doing my studies. and it's so strong, i dn feel like getting any work done. i hav one assignment that's worth 40% of the whole module that needs to be submitted this coming wednesday. but it's as good as undone. i hav an assignment last fri, which was supposed to be done last fri, but to date, it has not been done. the list goes on...

attending microecons tutorial tis morning made me realise how much i hav prepared for the common test, and more so, how much i hav really understand and learn of miec. the answer: it's hardly anything. i feel really guilty at this point in time, yet i hate waz going on.

let's get to the point. i'm feeling something i hav hardly felt. and taz hate. not only that. but it gets worse. this hate, it gets stronger and stronger. i can feel it consuming me. and frankly speaking, i fear it'll change me. change into someone i dn wna ever see.

but wad hate is tis? tis hate towards the system. the education system. why? the assignment this wed to be handed in. it belongs to a module called CATS(creativity & applied thinking skills). in my opinion, it's bullshit. this whole damn module sucks downright to the bottom. it's useless.

i dn like it. i hav no motivation to do it. the tutor gives me such a aimless impression of CATS. it's like every god damn CATS class is freaking purposeless. i go to class, with a feeling holding me back. wad does that feel like? do you even feel like attending class?

and it doesnt stops there. i'm not saying all the classes, but the majority of the NP classes i go to, it's tis way. at the least, i feel so for this sem. so tell me how fucked up is that? lecturers or tutors with attitudes that dn encourage learning, dn encourage wad education really is, and their mouths say they do. WHAT IS THIS? some freaking hypocritical statements? or some stupid statements that you bloody adults just shoot out w/o thinking?

with this kind of pple that exist in the education system, is that the so-called moulding the future of our nation? that feels like total bullshit to me. i've seen good teachers, great ones in fact, in NP and esp. my sec sch. but the teachers of this sem, such disappointment is undescribable.

that's not the end. those are just the teachers. i haven even touch on the system. IS(interdisciplinary studies). CATS included. with almost half the sem gone, i find year 1 IS modules are pretty much useless. or rather, to put it more direct and ugly, it's shit. other than IAC(individual and the community) and sport&wellness. tis year's modules are screwed. having compulsory IS modules for year 1 students? no choice for selection? so it's force completion of a module isnt it? whether you like it or not, you don't hav a choice.

NP thinks it's useful for students. NP thinks it's good. NP tis and that. wadever it is. how much do they find out from students about it? prolly rarely i would say. how much do they know of waz happening in the classroom? adults always think they're damn freaking right. or rather, let's put it this way: the superiors or the higher ups think they're always right. who is to question what they do? i dno how many think they should question wad those pple do. but i know I DO! i question every single freaking thing they do. from scholarships interviews to TDP(talent development programme), from how they work to the kind of lecturers they hav, etc.

bring it up a notch, the country. how much of feedback is really taken into consideration? feedback that favour wad the superiors think, prolly they are considered. but what about those feedback that goes against their way of thinking? i bet half the time those feedbacks are just marked down and thrown away.

and i hate those pple always trying to vye for good results, vye for cca points, tis and that. all this stupid materialistic shit. waz the damn point? so wad if u get god damn great results and high cca points, when behind those figures are juz mere meaningless actions or something you got for doing nothing out of.

waz really right and wrong in the real world? is there even one? results results results. does your whole fucking life revolve around that damn word? thn i think u r so freaking screwed. there's no right or wrong answer in the things you do in business, in research, in wadever it is(except criminal activities. that's obviously wrong. dun rebutt me with the obvious thing and tell me it's right.)

in school. in exams. in theory. wad we study. wad we "learn". everything there, it has an answer, correct and incorrect. but some things such as projects, they are judged by the lecturers/tutors. right or wrong? who's to say? and i would say, i even question if they are qualified to even judge. not basing on their experience, but their attitude they hav as teachers.

in the world, beyond this galaxy, the vast space out there. the rights and wrongs. who is to define which is which.

the whole post is pretty messy. my thoughts are all jumbled up. just bcos i hav too much to vent. and all tis hate rounds up to me as well. i hate myself for being like tis, i hate myself for putting myself through all these. why shld i even bother? it's not as if i'm right or wrong. i dno wad it shld be.

but at the end of the day, waz most pitiful is, i'd still hav to complete my CATS assignment, unless i choose to fail and repeat the module. and i do not even wan to think of it. failure. module repetition. yet another judgement. *sighs* pathetic.

to hav the education system fall into such a bad state, i cant express wad disappointment i hav of it as to date. but waz more impt is, how many of those up there see waz really wrong and recognise that fact.

the revival of the fortress of solitude.
let me be sunk in my thoughts, once again.
i'll return soon, once i straighten out my thoughts
to fulfil wad i feel will be my destiny.

what shld i do?

2007-11-18T23:09:00.000+08:00

what shld i do?

not sure if she still drops by and take a look at my blog. but wadever it is, if you do, you know i'm talking abt u.

well, a major challenge is over for you. everything seems pretty good now, and u seem pretty happy. reading ur blog, i feel kinda neglected. i feel as if my existence does not matter to you anymore, yet whn u approached me online, i feel the otherwise. i dno why, and i feel i'm being thrown frm side to side, from darkness into light yet back again.

after this long while, i know there's a lot on my mind to tell you. i dno if it's the right time, i dno wad i shld do, but it wun b those 3 words again. all this while, my tots of u, i keep thinking and trying hard to find wad might be the best way for me & u, or rather at least the way i feel best.

i hav so many things to do lately, one major deadline to meet. and i've got hardly any time. moreover, i'm lacking slp now with the nites i stay up juz to watch meteor showers. i feel tired. yet i know i still hav to fight on. i wan to see u but smthing is holding me back. i wan to chat w u but i dno how to start talking. i dno wad i shld do.

looking at ur acc there on msn, online & green, yet i'm lost for words on wad i shld say. i just hope december arrives faster...

想她

2007-11-11T00:32:00.000+08:00

想她。。。

最近不知怎么搞的，我又会再夜晚里一直想着，挂念着，思念她。读过了她的博克好几次，我越想越深，不知该如何好呢。哎，12月的流星就快要到了，我只盼望可以陪她看这一次的流星，虽说我已不干把希望放得太高了。

其实，我最想知道的是，你还记得我爱你吗？

除了这问题，我已失去了方向，已不知做什么才好了。。。

TOP ceremony + misc.

2007-11-06T21:14:00.000+08:00

TOP ceremony + misc.

oh man. i got so many things in mind to dump on my blog. hav been living life tis past few days with many things in mind, yet i couldnt find time to blog all those out as i was too busy with sch work (which of cos, i hav yet to finish...)

so basically, i think tis entry is gna b quite a long one. but it'll only include today's events and quite a lot of photos, so there wun be much of an update on the past few days' happenings.
a brief phrase-by-day summary would be: pissed by email; matters of the heart; and today. (so going by day, the 1st one happened on sunday.)

alright. as for today. nth much in the morning but rather evening. mornings were tired as usual. no matter how much i slp in the bus, i still end up tired in class. haha. one thing was unusual abt the bus trip tis morning though. it was UNUSUALLY SMOOTH TRAFFIC. the bus was like going pretty fast and hardly even continuously stopping. it's like "WOW, wad happened to the traffic today? where did all the cars go?" thn upon reaching sch, it was another unusual scene. the usual crowd and bustle that shld be seen or heard in the morning were not there. it was considerably silent i could say. i wasnt really used to it either. feels kinda eerie all of a sudden.

anyway. jumping to the evening. came bac home in the afternoon and had a change of attire. thn went back to sch for BSTATS tutorial. and thn laze ard till it was time for registration. for wad? Towards Outstanding Performance(TOP) Prize Presentation Ceremony. dn bother telling me so smart or wadever bullshit related to doing well in acads. those who know me pretty well shld know how much i hate it. high performance in acads? do i even look like i give a blardie god damn shit abt it? (ok. frm that last sentence, u shld know how much i hate it.)

ceremony was pretty plain. nth much. performance; announcing names; giving certs; singing; refreshments. oh wadever, why do i even bother to narrate the event. it's boring in any case. photos are a much better reflection of the event. haha. photo appreciation PART 1.

black and white. hahaha.

raven's confident smile.

are u tired?

coincidentally, it's in ascending height.

wow. is the food that nice??

my photography for enkai. (still lacks smthing though)

TOP Ceremony. THIS WAY!

Exit? That way!

or is it UP that way?

Venue of ceremony. NO! It was the basement of tis venue.
LOL. it's the same lar. why do i even bother to crap.

The lift interior was so well maintained that i could see myself!

waz with boon's exclamation & raven's horny expression?
i wonder wad i was looking at...hmm.

now i'm looking below the camera.
is it the lens or my eyes problem? they are avoiding each other.

glass panels

tis is the most interesting pic. it was taken with a self-timer.
somehow. raven and me were standing so close. i didn even realise.
boon was giving that spastic look.
and enkai looked cool in that pose. haha.

well taz for the ceremony. moving on to photography. i find the current camera i'm using is really limiting my ability to shoot better shots. and i really feel i shld get a better camera asap, say mayb a semi-pro one since i cant afford a DSLR juz as yet. but even a semi-pro is a problem now. with limited financial resources, i really need to allocate my spending well. moreover i'm wan to get a new phone more than i wan to get a cam. prolly a PDA phone. so how? anyone wans to sponsor me at least a semi-pro cam? hahahahaha...

on the way back home. took some nice sunset shots too. although the car was moving on the expressway, the backgrd was still clearly reflected and i must say: it was pretty. Photo appreciation Part 2.

b4 entering the flyover.

on the expressway.

smwhere on the expressway.

i love tis shot most.
nice foregrd silhouette w light radiation in the middle.

not a full recovery

2007-11-03T20:23:00.000+08:00

not a full recovery.

it's interesting how i actually do managed to recover from a setback in such a short time, for most occasions. although i wouldnt say i hav recovered totally frm ytd's happening, i know i feel better. i know i'm better today bcos i wna get things done. but, that motivation to fight is still feeble, it can break almost so easily if smthing goes wrong again. and yes, i'm still not all that happy, i can say.

i feel fortunate to hav friends i can pour my emotions and stress out to, cos at least it's better than talking to a wall esp. whn i know i'll end up banging on it...

right now. mulling over that event, i find myself kinda speechless and blank on wad i shld type. and somehow i find that i cant continue typing anymore....

yet another disappointment

2007-11-02T22:30:00.000+08:00

yet another disappointment.

tis post is response to my prev post.

today was a big disappointment for me. a harsh disappointment that reminded me of a similar past event which made me feel disappointed in myself. tis means, it's the second time tis has happened. *sighs*

i wasnt prepared to face tis disappointment yet again. i nvr thought i'll screw up so badly after putting in so much effort to prepare for tis BCOMM presentation. all over that one word: nervous. it's such a great pity.

abt the past event. it was also a presentation. a group one. that was on an environmental competition. it wasnt nervousness that killed me here. but rather it was having to burn the wrong files into the disc. the files werent the finalised ones. by the time we realised that, it was too late cos it happened during the presentation itself. tis sucks big time esp whn we spent 3-4 mths putting that much effort, having late or even sleepless nites, into such a great thing that came down to a waste in the end. and i was the one who screwed it...

till now, i still feel very bad wad happened tis morning. i'm still dwelling on it. and tis sucks too, esp it's the second time alrdy.

the moment i return to my seat. i was filled with anguish and i was like: man. i'm so totally screwed tis time. i cant help it but all other moods or enthusiasm to do any other things juz disappeared. i was like emo-ing the whole day after my turn ended.

it's not abt not doing well to score that 5% assessment. but rather it's bcos i did not put in the best or the better i could've done. smthing that i truely stick to: put ur best into anything u do, and enjoy the process of doing it. and it was smthing i could not achieve today all over that one word.

it's disappointing. and i really cant think of any other words to replace it bcos i cant think properly even till now.

prolly some pple would hav thought that i was fine seeing me playing games not long after. but that was more like a mask i'm wearing. not wanting to worry my frens ard me, even though deep dwn i felt really sad. behind that mask, it's still me, dwelling on smthing i shldnt be dwelling on.

i hate tis. and i feel like crying again all of a sudden.
guess it juz goes to show how impt i look at tasks assigned for me to be done. esp whn i'm performing so off-form & my best is not there....

tis disappointment. why doesnt it seem to end?

SHIT!

2007-11-02T09:53:00.000+08:00

SHIT!

DAMN IT. I SCREWED MY PRESENTATION. WAS TOO NERVOUS THAT I FORGOT MY LINES OF INTRODUCTION FOR MY METEOR SHOWER TOPIC. ARGH!!!

GOD. CAN I PRESENT AGAIN!

DAMN IT! DAMN IT! DAMN IT! DAMN IT! DAMN IT! DAMN IT! DAMN IT! DAMN IT! DAMN IT! DAMN IT! DAMN IT! DAMN IT! DAMN IT! DAMN IT! DAMN IT! DAMN IT!

exhaustion

2007-10-30T22:57:00.000+08:00

exhaustion.

oh god. man, am i tired!

whoa. hav been slping past 4am the last 2 days, and seriously whn i wake up, i could juz fall easily back on the bed again. and i seriously doubt slping at tis kind of time will in any way aid in my recovery, instead it might get worse. so...GOTTA SLP EARLY!!!

but it seems difficult to do so though. with the amount of content i hav to read up for both Computer Info Processing (CIP) & Network Server Systems (NSS), it's pretty tough to slp early. in fact for the past 2 days, i haven done any reading up on the text. i'm seriously lagging behind. damn. not to mention, i still hav a biz communication presentation to prepare for tis fri. slide content is easy to do, and i hav done it alrdy. in fact i done 2 of it. one on shooting in powerpoint. and the other one on meteor showers in a flash player. having a hard time deciding which to present though.

taz for the content part. but wad abt the talking part?! my slides having aint no text. they're all pictures or super short clips. taz wad i've gotta prep. gotta crack my brains and think how to talk in a super great amazing way! WAHAHAHA! but seriously, my brain is lacking ideas tis few days, somehow, that is. or rather i'm more worried i cant get things across in an interesting manner.

alrite. taz hmewk.
as for training, it was tiring today. for 1 obvious reason:
I'M ALREADY THAT TIRED!
but still, i went down to HTNS to train.

hav been training prone a few wks now, and i find that there was some improvement today. for example, my endurance went up to 30mins long for my 1st round proning. but i couldnt bare the numbness in my hand for the 2nd time. only stayed in prone position for 20 mins for the 2nd round. even so, i felt good about today's training. maybe the break i had helped much. hmmm...

well. taz a wrap i guess.
today's a long day. i need some nice rest...phew...

the worst start

2007-10-19T22:42:00.000+08:00

the worst start.

alright. 1st wk of sch for sem 2 started. but it aint any nice for me to begin with. it's prolly one of the worst starts i hav for sch. woke up that monday, with a throat feeling so like shit, and i knew smthing bad was coming. in fact, i could feel the heat brewing in me b4 monday. juz that i didn expect it fall SO NICELY on the 1st day of sch.

the next few days, or rather the whole blardie wk spent was like so dead for me. i can hardly get any feeling to really focus in my studies. darn it. tis sucks big time. even till today.

at least now i'm starting to feel better, ~~almost on the brink of full recovery. abt 70%-80% maybe?~~(i decide to strike that out. cos everytime i say that kind of thing, i hav a very high chance of having a FULL relapse!) otherwise, i dn think i'll be here blogging. i'll still be walking ard like some living corpse.

man. i really wonder smtimes how the hell i actually was so determined to fight thru so many flu viruses for the past few yrs, always refusing to seek any treatment or take medicine. come to think of it, i feel really tired, somehow, after tis many battles. oh & btw, tis time round, i doubt it's a viral flu, rather it's a pretty bad sore throat, REALLY PRETTY BAD!

for the whole of tis wk, i've been trying pretty hard to recover, and i think there's really one person i muz thk. haha. esp. for the Hacks sweet. oh, i think it's obvious enuf with that "sweet part". hahaha. thks a lot.

1st wk took off with such a bad start. wad'll 2nd wk b for me? moreover, i haven done any tutorials thru out tis wk. omg. *head banging on the wall!!!*

*half-opened eyes* i feel very slpy. too much energy used in the effort to recover i guess.

incomparable passions

2007-10-13T23:57:00.000+08:00

incomparable passions

passion for shooting is one thing on its own. passion for love is too.

noticed she went offline a while ago. yet i was surprised i did not notice her coming online. it's been so difficult to see her online tis days with smthing big coming her way.

took a look at some new photos she posted. and i was reminded again. reminded of her images that was always in my mind. with such a long period of zero contact face to face, i really do miss seeing her in person. the only other way seems to be only looking at her photos, but it's different. the feeling. the passion. those words that i nvr dared to tell her in person. there's too much to it...

looking at her smiles, facial expressions in the photos, she prolly seems happy enuf. hopefully that is so, so at least i can put my heart at ease.

so many questions, so many wonders. i really wonder how she'll perform, wad she's gna do after that...etc.

haven been doing much for her the whole year. or rather, didn had much of a chance to do so. i guess, at tis point of time, the only thing i could wish for her, is luck and believing. May all the luck in the world help her to perform, as well as, the believe that i hold for her. i've been believing in her, and hopefully she believes in herself too. the rest, is up to her now.

biathlon shoot. 7 Oct 2007.

2007-10-07T23:38:00.000+08:00

biathlon shoot. 7 Oct 2007.

alrighty! told ya i'll b back in 2 days time to blog again. heh.

ok. so the biathlon shoot was today. and it ended quite disappointing for me in terms of the scores. but oh well, as much as i feel disappointed, i'm still feel quite glad.

woke up to a bad start tis morning. was freaking tired and i was really reluctant to get out of bed. *sleeping & lazing away* hahahaha. by the time i left my house it was already around 8.05am? (prolly ard that time.)

had to get some food b4 i went dwn to htns. unfortunately, Four Leaves at Northpoint wasnt open that early, and neither did Delifrance had much of a selection of bread. so, headed to woodlands via bus. (obviously lar, got bus concession. dn take bus thn take mrt meh?) luckily, BreadTalk had some sausage rolls. HEHEHE...

waz more interesting was...there was someone who stole a muffin from BreadTalk and NO STAFF NOTICED IT! but prolly the cctv shld hav caught it. the sad thing is, it's an old lady. she seems kinda poor and hav been hungry for days. cant blame her lor. but it's quite surprising lar.

ok. so 2nd bus journey towards HTNS. and after that it's a long story of the preparation, thn start of competition....the dreadful 5 hrs.

so the story is. blah blah blah blah blah blah....hahahaha (told u it's long alrdy. wan the story? get from me in person. dn ask me to type it out. i'm too lazy.)

no story. but there are some interesting happenings, prolly related to me only. couldnt really b bothered abt the other shooters. didn had much time to look ard and c waz happening. but even whn i did, i dn c any interesting things abt the others.

basically one of the fastest number of shots i've ever done. it was ard 17-18 mins left to end time. and i was like 50 more shots away. (for air pistol btw. not air rifle. i would've been dead if it was for rifle. ha.)

but of cos, 20 shots was done quite fast. & with 10 mins left for my 30 shots!!! AH!!! but still i finished shooting. WAHAHAHA. quite a crazy thing, i must say. haha. even during trainings. the fastest i did for 100 shots was 40 mins. PHEW!

well. in the end. no prizes for me. position unclear(didn bother to count also). but got COP.

reflecting back, i was actually more disappointed with my timing for rifle. it seems a little too slow. and there was a total misfire, giving me a zero. but i think that series avg around 80+. lowest series for rifle was 85(two series were 85). so the whole rifle score was 1822/2000. but pistol was way bad. 1200+++/2000. *sighs* my starting was quite bad. it seemed my right hand like kinda shrink, for some weird reason lar. and i had to find means to enlarge it. LOL!

but nvm. it's over now. come nxt yr. i'll start 2 mths earlier for pistol. MUAHAHAHA. seriously speaking, my pistol really needs a whole lot of improvement...

wad will it be...

2007-10-06T00:12:00.000+08:00

wad will it be...

finally after almost a dreadful month of training for the biathlon shoot. it has ended today. phew. it sure wasnt easy training for tis shoot. i think i've gotten quite shagged from all tis trainings. taz ONE. the other thing is bcos the holidays has been so darn boring! (AGAIN. if u've been reading, my posts hav been emphasising tis point yet again and again. haha).

now u know why tis is a dreadful month for me. zzzzZZZZ...

ok. so biathlon shoot is in 2 days time. tis sunday. 200 shots of rifle and 200 shots of pistol in 5 hrs. how well am i gna do? i've got totally no idea. (well taz obvious right, since it's my 1st time shooting it)

but on the all, i can say, my pistol shooting has definitely improved. hahahaha.
and yes! sch's starting in another wk. and starting from next wk, i'll start training up my prone position. ha.

dn ask me why i feel so excited abt sch starting. cos i myself dno why. it's the total opposite of how i feel whn i was in secondary sch. the only other reason i can find is, tis holidays cant get any better than whn i'm in school.

well. will b back in 2 days time. let's c how's my performance.
'til thn...ciao!

Fire true to your passion

2007-09-30T22:18:00.000+08:00

Fire true to your passion.

i've probably lost the feeling of how i felt hours ago, feeling very challenged & motivated to shoot. but oh well. at least i can remb the experience still. i shld b able to get the feeling back as i typed on. so read on as well.

so...wahaha. went down to cck and shot smallbore today. basically i was thinking of taking up 3P. and in fact i've been thinking of taking up 3P for quite a while alrdy. but i prolly only did 2P today. which is the prone and the standing position. didn get a chance to do kneeling today.

standing position. no elaboration on that. cos basically it's the same as normal air rifle standing position, just with the addition of a recoil whn u shoot. hmm. gotta work on that though, if i'm shooting 3P. cos basically, i find the buttplate too short for me so it aint fixed and i feel it's affecting my shooting for standing position.

prone position. tis is the challenge. but it's where the fun is for today. hahaha. coach asked me to take up the prone position in my innerwear at first. thn the jacket came on. and the perspiration starts to come in like a normal water tap that is turned on. it sure took quite a while for me to adapt to the position. the left arm going over the sling. the tightness. the pushing. the position. woah, it gets kinda tough on first try. thn my body starts to adapt. and tis process was filled with the most perspiration. hahaha. after a while, whn i finally end my prone training with 15 shots. i can say i was not perspring as much as b4.

50m rifle proning for the first time = perspiration till my whole long sleeve T was wet inside [taz basically for me. ha.]

haha. enuf talk abt the happenings. now as always. feelings are better to express in blogs. it makes blogs hav emotions (i guess so? or does it not?)

i think i'm falling in love all over again for my passion. shooting air rifle all tis years. i do actually feel kinda numb smtimes. so numbed i've find it no challenge to shoot good scores anymore, instead i switched to the challenge to perfect my processes. but that aint easy. now that i picked up shooting 3P, by basically starting out with proning. it's a challenge. a very much fun challenge. prolly taz waz been motivating me to shoot, all tis while. the challenges that every different discipline of sport shooting possesses that makes me wna further my shooting knowledge & technical skills.

i could feel the drive to really start shooting all over again. it's like bac to the basics. back right where i was really hyped up, passionate, motivated, fired up, enthusiastic to shoot air rifle. back right where i first started shooting, where i first touched the air rifle, picked it up, started to shoot on the target.

but only tis time it's a smallbore rifle. i feel i've got much to learn again. and in fact it is. it's like entering a totally new country, juz like how the different countries are on tis planet earth. Earth is shooting. And the countries are the different disciplines.

i can really feel how I first fell in love with shooting. and tis time it's all over again. and the love is even deep now. i'm not sure if i can commit to tis. but the only sport that i'll nvr quit in tis lifetime of mine, it's shooting. i know it cos i can feel it. i think i'll be really sad if i were not be able to shoot one day, even to the extent of breaking down. good or bad scores. singapore team or not. i'll still shoot. all my life. as long as i live.

so. to all out there who reads this. no matter wad. if it's such a sport u love so much. dn give it up within a few years of doing it. go on doing it if u love it so much. if it's such a passion of your life. do it with wadever u've got. for the sake of your passion. nvr give it up in your lifetime. esp, whn u've fallen very deeply in love with it. bcos if u give it up or no longer be able to do it, it's as good as losing someone u love...

问世间情为何物

2007-09-25T23:26:00.000+08:00

问世间情为何物;
Ask the world what is love.

life's been boring. again. it always has been since the start of this holidays. well at least it's gna end QUITE soon.

hmm. ve'been training for biathlon shoot which is nxt sun. 200 shots of rifle & 200 shots of pistol. it's gna b super speed shooting for me. n esp. there's been some problems for my rifle ever since i started using my shooting specs since last fri. i can hardly c e target!

ok nvm 'bout that. now. abt the title.

i was sitting in the bus tis afternoon, going towards htns for my training, basically. as usual, listening to my ipod's music. but tis tot kinda struck me n got me thinking real hard.

wad really is love? literally, in the most direct sense that is. not all other kinds of love.

all of a sudden, i found myself thinking that i dn really seem to know wad love meant anymore.

so wad is it? i always hear & see tis everywhere. be it the media, tv programmes, internet, public.

being concerned, caring, helpful, self-sacrificing. feeling attracted. having constant thoughts of the other person. understanding the other half, trusting him/her, protecting, cheering up, feel unpleasant when something may not be right abt him/her. making each other happy, going all out to do smthing the other wants...etc.

is it all that? more than that? & also that special feeling?

i tot to myself. all tis time, that i loved her. was it really love? or was it just a persistent effort that wasnt in anyway related to love? if it was the latter, why do i even persist?

why do we humans, come into tis world to search for a person we love? why?

why do some pple fall in love so easily, yet fall out of it in a such short period time such as a few wks? why is it to some, it's so difficult to fall in love, yet whn they do, they fall out juz as fast as those who fall in one easily.

wad are we really searching for? is it bcos it's related to how we grew up? the environment that we grew up, the way we think, the way we act as we grow?

somehow, i think i've lost the understanding wad love is all abt again. i believe i still love her. & i do.

but havin' thought back to how i hav lived my life, i cant help but think do i really know waz love? details to my younger past can be imagined from wad tis blog states - the life of a lonewolf. put pretty simply, i haven really been living my life communicating much abt myself w the outside world. until the recent years that is. communicating with frens or pple of the same gender was generally a much easier task thn whn i did to the opposite, in the past. but of cos, it's only pple that more or less i know, not those who are total strangers to me.

i kinda realise that in the recent years when i started opening myself up. i do actually communicate more, rgdless of gender. but the thing here is, there's this feeling i get when i communicate with the opposite gender. it gives me a feeling of being close, of being able to share, a lot in fact. you can put it in the way of a confidante. well. somehow. taz e feeling i get. n that was probably how it all started out the way i felt for her. but the feelings somehow went beyond.

as a matter of fact, it seems to me now, that when it comes to sharing the more personal side of me, it's becoming easier but so do i get the same feeling as i did when it started (as stated above). although tis feeling feels very much similar. it doesnt seem to find its way in developing further.

but in the end, here, i've still gotta ask: so wad does the word "love" mean at the end of the day?
and whether i still love her, i cant really say anymore. i know there's still a feeling there. a feeling that i feel, i want to do anything i can for her. until i know wad love is again, probably only thn i'll return...

问世间情为何物。。。

what am i livin' for?

2007-09-15T20:16:00.000+08:00

what am i livin' for?

well. results were out ytd. yea. and in fact i felt it was a little unexpected, considering the number of mistakes i made in the exam. and moreover, distinction rate was capped at 5%, so i tot it was kinda difficult. but oh well, the result had a strange turnout.

but couldnt really be bothered with e results anyway. god. n there's still a self-select timetabling to do tis coming tuesday. sighs.

hmm. life hasnt been very interesting at all. ups & dwns are at zero level. tis is pathetic. i really cant stand it any longer. playin' GE everyday. i cant quite stand it. somehow i'm getting tired of playing computer games.

what am i living for everyday? even i wan to know wad i've really been doing. oh god. ARH!!!

coming to shooting. i hav started to train for the biathlon shoot next mth. my standard for pistol shooting really dropped a whole lot since i last shot...like 2 yrs ago, and which lasted like only a few wks? hahahaha. guess it's more training.

alrite. coming bac to the topic. i'm seriously looking for an answer to tis.
it seems there's like a long list of things to do, but i juz dn feel like doing it.
1) mounting my tv onto e wall
2) reading up on ASP.NET & SQL Server
3) reformatting my comp
4) tidying up my room

or maybe it aint that long a list. but it does take quite a while to get those things done.

but. it seems to me that the purpose of living my life has become rather unclear. the short term purpose that is. not the long term one, that is in the future. as a matter of fact, the future one seems kinda vague too. oh...wadever.

my mind is rotting so much, even i'm starting to lose direction of where i'm movin' towards. sighs.

i hav a few big things in mind i wna achieve. but i feel i'm losing grip from wad i'm trying reach out for.
1) bringing NPSC to a whole new level, where wad shooters shld be, and of cos wad a shooting club shld really be.
2) change the world is another big thing. and a humongous thing, in fact. (but dn think on the lines of Evan Almighty. there's no way i'm doing that.)
3) learn new things. try out new things. things with high risk, high experience of adventure.

but there are things lacking to accomplish them. i dno wad exactly it is. is it courage? or is it comradeship?

i feel it's comradeship. but am i lacking courage? i dno.
am i really to seek out a destiny that lonely? to accomplish things on my own, is that wad i'm living for? or am i alrdy losing myself, my mind, and my sanity?

........

mulling thoughts

2007-09-03T22:35:00.000+08:00

mulling thoughts

my previous entry had some content to this. so read up if u dn understand.

somethings are not right around here. i dno waz happening. my mind juz probably stuck on to smthing day n nite. n this doesnt happens to be GE.

is it really bcos there's too much time for my mind to wander and think of it again?

i dno if i want to know y. yet, ironically, i've been really bothered by it again & again day by day.

wadever it is...

there's more than just this thought.

since life is pretty much lifeless. since i'm jobless at current state, i've gotta find smthing to do. some new things to do. as much as i wan, asking frens to go out to try new things, practically wad i get is just rejection. just wad the hell is with the world. saying bored urself yet not wanting to try new things. saying not liking the activity when u nvr try it b4. saying tis n that. practically seems to be excuses to me. u saying u'r bored yet not wanting to try out more new things to enrich ur own life. it's not as if it's blardie bz like fucking jcs these days.

jcs. a messed up shit. i dn wna talk abt tis. it'll juz waste my effort typing.

smtimes i really wonder. is it bcos i've been a lonewolf for way too long that i dno how to ask pple to try new things w me. or is it loneliness that lies in my destiny, if so, why do i even try so hard to get her heart...

do i really have to go bac to doing things all by myself?

i hate tis world. smtimes. i hate tis country. smtimes. i hate how it works. i hate smokers. i condemned them. i hate bastards who think they so blardie righteous.

n smtimes, i hate myself...

and there r times when i really fall again, and i dno wad is going on around me yet again.

n one of those times, is now...

near lifeless

2007-09-01T22:01:00.000+08:00

near lifeless

well well. hel-loo again. it's been quite a while i must say and it's been pretty long while since i blog. lol.

so where shall i start. hmm. POLY. 1st sem ended. exams were over since 2 wks ago. or was it a wk? ..........

ok nvm. it's over anyway.

so it's e holidays. n it sure is long. a 7 wks break. wooh gna b a refreshing nxt sem.

well not exactly i would say. life became pretty lifeless since e exams ended. god. life's a bore when you have nothing to do. basically i've been rotting at home. playing Granado Espada (GE) day & nite since it's ard e last 90 days b4 it's P2P. well. not exactly "day" either. since it seems that most of the time i spent chionging hovers around 10pm - 4am.

that's waz done at home, in front of the monitor every single day. i'm going GE crazy. it's madness leveling up. hopefully i dn faint at e end of the 90 days.

(ok. i'm starting find that this entry feels pretty lifeless too. probably the person typing this now is feeling way too dead to feel alive. oh god. argh...)

if not for the frequent trainings at htns, i think i'll really have nth to do. it's damn sian lar. wait. not so frequent actually. twice only. maybe i shld increase it. hmmm...

it's really bad if i hav nothing to do. cos i'll start finding crazy things to do. hahaha. LOL. spending money like nobdy's biz is one. which is very bad since my account figs r dropping. need to push up e figs or else i'll b a goner.

n taz where it leads to my next "story". job search. lol.

hopefully this coming monday i'll hav a job to work for 2 wks for adminstrative work. i gotta admit, admin work may kinda suck, but i really cant b bothered tis time since i need to make those figures go up. the other thing is, in fact, i haven really done any serious admin work, or rather the real admin work lar. in a bigger company that is. the prev one that i did, i dn think i would really take that as admin. oh wadever it is. i juz need money n to pass time. i cant b bothered with the rest in tis holidays abt what work is, with the exception of the working hours that is (since i still need to go for training...)

bored. boring. bore out. boredom. lifelessness-craziness.

smthings seem to get worse too. i dno y. but maybe there's too much time for my mind to wander around n keep thinking about smthings. the feeling has been coming back with much intensity. but no matter at this point of time, again i dn wna do anything. i seriously dno wad i can do, n definitely not at tis moment. it's difficult but i sure hope smthing comes out of my effort.

while that is in progress, it's juz bac to near-lifeless life tis holidays. sighs...

recuperation

2007-07-24T20:39:00.000+08:00

recuperation

well. as u can read from my prev. entry, i'm kinda injured here n there. and now, basically i seriously need my wounds to heal quickly. i mean it. otherwise how the hell am i gna train for this sunday's competition. arh!!! i need superman's invulnerability. grr...

the condition has, well, kinda worsen today somehow. i got up to a morning which i had diarrhoea. it's like wad the hell was wrong. i just get diarrhoea all of a sudden?! i tot it was gna be fine after that. but i think underestimated it. it continues in the afternoon. when macroecons tutorial was going on, my stomach was like some machine sucking out something....eh. dn understand hor? i also dno how to explain lar. it's juz like an overflow of hydrochloric acid in your stomach and it just like corroding inside. get it? if u dn get it, thn 4get it. u'll get it when u have that feeling.

anyway. where was i? errr. alright. i went to the washroom twice. oh god damn it man. n it was like freaking torturing. i dno y the heck it took such a long interval from the morning till the afternoon to happen again. thn in the afternoon it keeps happening. any explanations?

dno wad caused it. but my guesses are 10% - wrong food; 40% - too much toxins from my wounds (cos i didn wash my wounds); 50% - overdosage of NERDS (u know the Willy Wonka NERDS!!!). wanted to do PBA proj, but wasnt able to suppress my condition. hardly even started and we were on our way home alrdy. waz good is BMGT proj is over. well at least taz one thing of my mind. but god knows how it will turn out. MORE BUTS. i have a lot of catching up to do. i hardly even understand the whole of money-related topics, i.e. money, money creation, monetary policy, in macroecons. there's also a lecture on motivation for BMGT that i hav yet to go n listen n understand. (hopefully the link is still there...)

well. for all i know. there's a lot of unsettled work. including e-learning for POA. oh god. with my current state, of cos i wished it would end. just wait till i get bac into my top form. argh....

recuperation is wad i really need. but with all the deadlines to meet, lectures n tutorials to do. man it's gna b a tough one.

somehow, i am still thinking of you. i wonder how u r doin' now...

scratched & screwed

2007-07-21T20:36:00.000+08:00

scratch & screwed.

Great. My week ended with me getting hurt. scratches & abrasions. here & there. damn. tis sucks.

Just when I was thinkin' I could end my week peacefully & nicely by settling my 15 page report, god it turns out the otherwise from my thinking.

Went to ECP tis morning, (i mean e PARK itself, not e PARKWAY). Well it was damn early. Getting out of bed at abt 5.30am whn I only got to bed at abt 2+ am. & of cos, I was damn tired. It sure felt cold in the morning, esp. with the bus' air conditioning.

ok. let me get straight to story. went to cycle there. 1st hour was so fine. going at high speeds; thighs get tired if i went too fast. & it seemed nth could happen. yeah. it SEEMED! nxt thing I knew, we were gna take a rest at one of the pavillion near the end of the park. so I rode my bike towards the pavillion....& POOM! GRRRR!

there goes my limbs. left elbow & two knee caps. scratched quite badly I must say. especially the left elbow. even till now the elbow & my right kneecap is still bleeding though it's kinda minimal.

lucky, my frens and public were helpful. first it was a caucasian woman asking if I was ok. next, one china woman kinda passed by from somewhere & took out tis unknown cream & applied it to my wounds. woah. it really hurt at first. but the cooling effect came in after a while, though the pain was still there. thn, two girls didnt had plasters with them, but the concern to ask if i was fine was there. well at least taz nice. waz more was my frens were there to help me. otherwise, I think I would have lost consciousness right there after the sight of so much blood. In any case, I still have to thank both of them for helping me out, plus someone's half pass six first aid skills. hahaha...

God it hurts man...
Even walking has become a problem for me, needless to say running. I dno how the hell I'm gna train in the coming wk for next sunday's competition. arhh...

1st Injuries. 2nd Unfinished report. biz management 15 pg report is still undone. & I cannot get myself to do it cos my injuries are affecting my mind. & THUS, I cant think properly...ARGH!!!

tis is so screwed. Monday's the deadline. Tmrw's a major touching-up session with the group for the report and seriously I need to get the work done.

damn. I need help. I just hope tis wounds will at least clot fully or probably 75%?!....so that at least I can still walk properly tmrw...

bad bad bad...

whn life screws up

2007-07-02T00:02:00.000+08:00

whn life gets screwed at almost every corner

i dno waz gotten into me lately. i'm getting really emotional lately. irritated. frustrated. stressed. pissed off. lovesick.

basically my life is getting pretty screwed up recently. dno wad the fuck is happening. (damn. i'll try not to keep spouting F words here n there. grrr...)

tis blardie laptop's processor is getting real slow at times. bought GTR game ytd. playing was fine ytd. dno wad the fuck happened today. keep screwin' up, meaning the game hang for no blardie reason. i mean wad the damn hell is wrong lar. blardie fucking game. god damn it. ARGH!!! there's only 2 reasons lar. it's either the fucked up incompatibility w e blardie vista, otherwise it's e game. wadever. either reason, it's blardie freaking shit.

today. morning was suppose to b for exercise. in which it turn out totally e otherwise. first, i was told e gym at e blardie stadium opens at 9am. goddammit. thn nvm. i was still damn tired cos i slept at 3am plus ytd nite. so i juz slp on lor. thn overslept till 10am plus also. late for management project meeting by nearly 2 hrs. fuck it. afterwhich it ended. i remb it was youth day for JCs tmrw. so i called n ask whether they all wanted to go gym tmrw since it was opening at 7am. n there it goes. thinking that every damn fucking thing is so gna b damn fine. n wad e damn hell happened? it's cancelled bcos there's only 2 pple goin. total fucked up bullshit. exercise bcos of e no. of pple going rather than the purpose of exercising itself.

nxt,
sch kicked off w a blardie bad start. damn bz. kept slping late tis wk. hell lot of projects to settle, in which in tis case, it's still not settle. tutorials undone bcos i'm so tired n packed. thn had to go bac to ytss for e fiesta, which was literally packed with people, but not the worst i have seen. best attraction: meteorite. but i shall not talk abt e fiesta. tis entry aint for it. the fiesta wasnt all fun either. had to go around finding teachers to do my IAC survey. damn. pathetic aint it?

this is really fucked up. life sucked so much at tis point of time. i've been having tis short fuse lately. argh. i'm supposing that lack of slp is causing it. but there's gotta b other factors, like hmewk. stupid.

worse still, my mind is full of her again. argh. although i still hold true my love for her, somehow n i dno y, whn i'm in tis kind of situations, i start to miss her a lot a lot. i dn get it. is it companionship i wan? or is it a confidant i want? grr...i dno. but well isn't it funny, trying to seek a lonely destiny on one hand. & on the other hand, i'm thinking of love, of her. hahahahahahahahahaha *crazy laughters*

there's definitely a choice i gotta to make but wad will it b, i hav no idea.

whn e environment gets so stressed. whn i need someone(her). & whn i know that wun happen. i'm standing btwn strength & vulnerability.

an update in ages

2007-06-22T22:16:00.000+08:00

an update in ages.

alrite alrite. i better give an update to my blog. otherwise it would b really dead. other than juz changing blogskins, it has literally become not a blog anymore if it's owner doesnt inject some life into it.

hmm. talking abt blogskins, i didnt really like the user interface for e previous skin, e Naruto one. e box was kinda too small. if not for e backgrd pic, i dn think i would've used it. but anyway that skin was in fact juz a temporary skin. nth much. well. so now u c right front of u, a much better skin & a much better user interface. [well, as much as it is, taz wad i think...]

so. how long has it been since i last blogged? hmm. it was in some part of march when i last typed my previous entry on getting back into shooting. well, it has been 3 mths plus. woah. i guess i need to clear some cobwebs here.[in other words, if u dn understand, i gotta blog more often or else....alrite there's no or else. ok wadever it is. nvm if u dn understand. my mind's kinda messed up lately so pardon me, if my sentences sound strange. i dno wad exactly i'm talking. haha.]

now. bac to e topic. update. an update. hmm. in simple n short explanations. it's:
enrolled into Ngee Ann Poly Biz-IT (BIT);
life's kinda slack, sometimes even to e pt that it's lifeless [cos there's nth to do, or rather i dn wn to do. haha];
a lot of projects [okay lar. not all that a lot either];

having a pretty fucked up 2 wk holiday[1st it was Return of the Flu Virus, thn it's e stupid TDP];
my shooting is getting wobbly again, as in e shots or wadever lar. [ok wadever, i cant think of e words to typed].

well that sums it up.

thn again. it returns to e fact that i'm lifeless now cos i hav nth to do, taz y i'm blogging. ok, e prev sentence doesnt include doing hmewk (of which e most dreaded is e Excel work). so dn count hmewk as part of being having a life. doing hmewk, in fact, isnt much a life anyway. AGREE? u gotta b kidding if u telling me doing hmewk is having such a great life. hahaha.

ok wadever it is. tis mind of mine [repeat, minD of minE] is getting kinda crazy. arhhh. cant help it. mind's kinda dead today.

aiya. heck lar. end liao lar. dno wad the hell i'm talking alrdy.
okok. 'til nxt time. [hope that it's soon.]

Reinitialisation

2007-03-22T00:30:00.000+08:00

.Reinitialisation.

it's been more than a mth since i last updated tis blog. well, i guess i need to inject some life back into it.

so. training has been reinitiated. i've started training today. n man, does it feel great to b back. (zong2 yu1 chong2 chu1 jiang1 hu2 le4...)

it's been abt 8 mths since i "terminated" my training. n w today's reinitialisation, it sure is a surprising one. considering e fact that i havent train for 8 mths, my stability was quite well maintained, w some dry shots shaking a little here n there. well, i would consider today's training pretty fine. (though i wouldnt consider that to b true abt e training time, cos it's 2 bucks/hr. man, tis is e "real life" version of LAN gaming...haha)

ok. so now i'm stuck in e state of not having a jacket, bcos of that stupid "D" mistake. (to those who dn understand. it's abt my shooting jacket with my initials spelled in quite a "exquisite" way. so to change it from e actual "exquisite" form back to e normal form, it had to b sent back to korea. so in other words, it's gna take a while to come back. but as it is at tis time, it shld return by 2wks later, or even sooner - e nxt wk.) so in order words, i'm only training w my shooting pants ,shooting inner, n shooting boots. haiz. my reinitialisation got off to such a pathetic start.

but anyway, i dn think it really matters a lot. considering that i can probably only do dry-firing for tis wk juz to get accustomed back to my position, it's fine i supposed. (i muz say it is kinda boring to dry fire every session, but juz tis session today, i could c how much i've lost touch w my shooting. my processes were all screwed up. man, i couldnt remb much of my visualisation process.)

n w a 601 rifle, in which its cheek block cannot b decanted at an angle PLUS its buttplate cannot b adjusted as well, it's gna b a bit of a challenge to overcome tis. (e buttplate can only b extended by adding pieces of 'smthing' to extend e length. i dno wad they call that smthing, so dn ask me.)

another surprising fact was, when i wore e marksmen hse pants, i could still feel it's kinda stiff but not as stiff as b4.(considering that marksmen hse gears hav alrdy loosen up a lot in terms of e stiffness, including e addition of a lot of holes, to loosen up e material.) if i compared it to deling's stiffness, marksmen hse gears r still much stiffer.
hmmm...interesting. hahahaha.

well i shall end here. training will b slightly more intensive tmrw. 2hrs! hahaha!

valentines

2007-02-14T22:14:00.000+08:00

happy valentines day

well well, 1st thing off is e O lvl results. as i've said (in my previous entry) i'm practically numb or cant b bothered w my results alrdy. though it came out w a L1R5: 10, i wasnt really feeling happy or great. yes it's a gd score, but do i even care? nah... i wouldnt deny i tear that day too but those tears, not one was tears of happiness, but instead of gratitude. gratitude towards all e teachers, towards all my close frens supporting me all e way, n towards my hardwork.(although i wun really call it hard, cos i did slack a lot...hahaha...)

that ends e O result thingy...

nxt. e updated version of new yr resolutions. or might as well make it, CNY resolutions, since cny is ard e corner.

1) Get into NP BIT
2) Break personal best of 572
3) Work my way towards NTT in tis yr
4) Finish learning C++ b4 April..haha
5) n of cos, help her if she needs me. wadever; whenever; wherever...

last, of cos, tis is e only part taz related to e title...HAHAHA...lol
valentines today rite? but wad is there for me to do. nth. haiz. besides wishing her happy valentines, i've got nth to give her. n worse still, sore throat's back to haunt me after many many mths...let's say....6 mths? n worse of e worst, it happens juz b4 CNY...damn it. e hell am i gna eat all those goodies. darn...gotta cure tis within 2 days time. ARGH!!!!

hmmm...it seems tis is e 1st valentine that i actually get sore throat..haha....LOLS...
[muz b those 9 packets of curry twisties + big pack jack n jill potato chips that i've been gobbling up for e past 9 days. damn it, i guess i overshot my limit.]

well anyway, to her again n to all, a Happy Valentines Day!!!

prelude to O results

2007-02-05T00:59:00.000+08:00

"prelude" to release of 'O' results

well. results r gonna b out nxt wk. that is wad seems to b true. whether it really is? i dno. exact date? dn even ask. n i'm not bothered by these results a bit. not a bit at all. to wadever results that is gonna b on my cert. i seriously cant give a damn. good. bad. avg. wadever can b printed. i cant b bothered.

although i cant b bothered by that piece of paper w numbers printed on it, my mind is yet bothered by one other thing. closely linked to e word: RESULT. it has been quite a few mths ever since i stop takin' on e pace of life in e kind of education here. n instead of wasting time at home in these few mths, i took up education in my own perspective. educating my ownself solely w a library bk. it was a big difference. e two kinds of education, one really learns, n e one juz kills ur chance to learn.

how pathetic is it to c such a failing education here. esp asia. or shld i say everywhere? e whole of tis world. such competitive comparing of results, such intensive drilling to get "perfect" grades. is that wad u call learning? is that wad u call education? NO. NOT AT ALL. & NVR. doin all tis juz to lose ur ownselves in process of such pathetic competition juz to get that stupid WORTHLESS PIECE of BLARDIE USELESS paper w some DUMB ALPHABETS N NUMBERS. hahaha. humans. arent u becoming such a slave to tis kind of system? arent u becoming more of an idiot than someone who has a brain to live for themselves?

for all i know, i could as well spend some cash on tech n paper to print one useless paper myself. who needs those pathetic papers from e ministry. so wad if e ministry is doin all those bullshit to change from being result-oriented? goddammit, is it even taking a blardie effect? no.

for all those idiots out there, question urself man. u think u r really learning? or r u juz there sitting in sch, mugging real hard every single day, juz for better grades? wad do u really wan in e end? do u even think tis kind of education here is even learning? well. to a very small extent, probably some content u studied in e txtbk gets retained in ur brain.

"it" talks abt focussing on thinking, prob-solving, wadever u name it that uses ur brain. wad does it end up in e end? mugging! mug b4 u even do that.

waz so god damn impt abt that stupid so-called results? wad does it prove? that u r e best? that u r brainiest? that u can think god damn well? that u can hav e best job? that u r VERY academically-inclined?

so wad? even if u r? how much do u learn at end? how much do u gain out of learning? for all that stupid worthless certs? is it even worth to sacrifice ur own learning to get gd results? n for ur info, gd results doesnt necessary equals to learning e most, esp in tis case, in tis country where e system is so unfit of e word: education.

n for all u know, parents play a blardie big part in "brainwashing" their children's mindset. if e parents keep on havin that preconception these days that results r everything, prepare to regret it. results r worthless. it proves nth. e process is wad counts.

as a sportsman myself, e outcome was smething not to b considered at all. n as a sportsman, i'm sure that competition is a key thing. but i can say. competition in sports n in education(or workforce) are two very different things. e competition in sports is something enjoyed, something healthy, something beneficial. but of cos, unless some freaks take it to e extreme, then it'll b bad. as for education, y shld one even bother to even compete? waz e pt? education n learning. it's for one's own improvement. y shld there b any competition? resulting to only segregation between e upper class n e lower class, which in tis case e upper class r e academically inclined ones n e lower class e not so good ones. n tis again, forms e preconception that e academically inclined r those that will succeed in their life, those that arent they'r goners. that is so NOT TRUE.

so. humans out there. go out n find urself. live for urself. not for grades. n change e world, redefine wad learning really is n take that action. learning isnt grades, n it shall nvr b. it shld b enjoyed rather than b a torture.[my assumption: it is true for most(say abt 95%) students that it's a torture, probably only those minority r really those who r really born w those study brains.]

an unrequited love?

2007-01-28T23:25:00.000+08:00

an unrequited love?

will i tear again tis time? *bitter laughters* i dno man. one after another blow. it seems i'll nvr get that chance to b w her at all. everythin' i c, hear, or wadever verbs u can name, that is abt her. hmph...it's all practically against me. nth abt it seems to heighten my hopes. i really wonder is she juz tryin to run away from me, from my love, or was it an unrequited love all along...? *bitter laughs*...does it matter to her?...hahahahaha. i guess not...i guess not now anymore.

now that she's probably enjoying herself. enjoying herself w someone else. someone whom i dno. someone whom i'm not sure if she'll b happy w. if so, then i guess it's gd. n i shudder think e otherwise. n since both of them now r in e picture, a picture w all e lights on them, i guess i can only run bac to e shadows in e picture, hiding there, feeling practically numb while she enjoys herself.

i dno y. but it feels as if...as if i'm so numb alrdy. as if my heart has gone w her yet it cant feel her presence near. or as if my heart has stopped, my emotions r too hurt. i dno. i dno. i dno. i cant feel anything. yet i feel pain. n yet again. i wish i could cry. it's such a mess...

i'm lost in e middle of nowhere. i'm like stuck in sahara now, desperately trying to find a way out, yet sandstorms keep brewing, constantly disrupting my sense of direction n lvl of visibility.

i dn wanna lose her now. seriously. juz when i tot i was at least gettin' out of that waiting list, it falls bac to e same pt. tis chance, it's as gd as something i can nvr achieve. as much as i would love to achieve the impossibilities, tis is smthing beyond my control. a decision that can only b decided by her.

wad is my decision then? i dno. i wanna cont to wait. wait n wait n wait. probably forever i guess. staying in e shadows doesnt mean i cant go into e light, no matter how it goes, i'll still b there for her for anything, for wadever she needs. i'll protect her. i'll help her. i'll save her. i'll do wadever to benefit her, even beyond e limits of human or more - superhuman, n as crazy as it can get. for that word called love. even if it's unrequited...

untitled

2007-01-12T22:07:00.000+08:00

untitled.

as e title goes, it's untitled. i dno wad titles to give anymore. as much as i know, i know i aint in a very happy state lately. my guess is history repeating itself all over again.

(whether u still cont to read my blog, i still wna blog it out)

i've been feeling so terrible ever since something happened between me n her. although i'm still kinda unclear of e true reason behind it, i'm juz glad it's sort of solved now.

prob solved. but my heart aint. thru all her words i c, i know she's hurt, she's had enuf of all tis. e only way out now, is that i can only stop all of tis, since that is wad she really wans now. i know taz best now, but no matter wad my heart doesnt die. e love, it still stays.

i dn wan to disturb her anymore tis yr. i know it's impt for her to focus. i know it's one yr that she shldnt mess ard w. i understand tis yr is more than anything to her. but i wan her to know. i would still very much like to help her out tis year, help to do well.

i'll still always b there, when u need me. no matter wad e consequences, i'll always b there to help u.

over my dead body

2007-01-04T23:20:00.000+08:00

over my dead body

i freakin' pissed now. my dad doesnt agrees w my decision to withdraw. stating that he'll sort of discuss it 1st. i dun give a damn. not even a god damn. i've made e dead choice. out means OUT.
i wun turn bac. it was a regretful decision made during that freakin' exercise. from e start, i shldnt hav gone to that blardie place. it's total bullshit.

i'm gonna get e god damn hell out of that freakin' place no matter wad. as long as i still breathe, i will get myself out. w or w/o my parents' consent. i dun give a damn anymore.

i study to learn n enjoy, not suffer tis kind of blardie bullshit. sadly, tis isnt e case here. in fact, practically all over e region n even e world. it's a great pity only such minority understand such an impt fact to enjoy e process of learning instead of being result-oriented every god damn other day. on e shallow surface, pple always talk abt one muz enjoy e process of learning to get e most out of it. but wad kind of typical contradicting scenes exists everywhere. tis is pathetic n totally idiotic. such saddening acts of contradiction.

my future is in my hands. e decision lies w me. no external party including my parents will interfere w wad i decide. wadever advices there may b, it can only b of advices. nth will change my mind once i'm set, DEAD SET, on my decision.

e only time when my fate is in others' hands. it's gonna b over dead body.